rionaleonhart: final fantasy viii: found a draw point! no one can draw... (you're a terrible artist)
Riona ([personal profile] rionaleonhart) wrote2016-10-07 10:36 pm

If There's Something Strange...

Somehow, in an idle moment, I found myself running a brief 'text adventure' in a Whatsapp group for the benefit of some friends. The result was a deeply silly mess of references and bad poetry, but I thought I'd reproduce it here in case it entertains someone. My narration is in italics.



You're walking in the woods. There's no one around and your phone is dead. Visible exits are N, E, W and U. What will you do?

Yuffie: U
G: Get eaten by a grue

You climb a tree. You now have a great view of all the other trees around you. There are a lot of them. They're nice trees. You feel inspired by the soul of poetry.

F: > pen masterpiece

Ah, trees,
It's you I sees,
I spread diseases when I sneeze.


F: > compose CYOA book

You do that. It is the greatest CYOA book ever written and not for mere mortals to experience, which is why it is not reproduced here. At the end you accidentally drop it out of the tree, like a prat.

Rei: > make a leaf crown

You feel regal.

F: > contemplate life choices

You feel pretty good about your life choices right now, largely on account of your sweet leaf crown.

Rei: > make wings out of branches and leaves
> strap wings to back
> leap out of tree

This proves to be a poor decision. You suspect you have broken your leg.

F: > fight through the pain

You stagger to your feet, just to show that broken leg who's boss. You don't enjoy it. It is possible that you are not, in fact, boss.

AH: Wtf is going on! I don't check in for a few hours and this...??
Rei: > fashion walking stick out of tree limb
F: > advocate for promotion

You limp over to a tree. It seems unresponsive to your demands for promotion, but it does have limbs. How do you plan to obtain one?

Rei: > grab limb and yank

Let's say that worked. You have obtained some manner of transportation aid, although, being a limb you could just yank off the tree, it seems liable to break if you don't move cautiously.

Rei: > check for mobile phone signal

Your phone is dead.

Yuffie: > attempt to summon its ghost

You draw a summoning circle with your stick and sing the Nokia ringtone. Unfortunately, you only succeed in summoning Lucifer.

N: > hit lucifer with steel chair to the head

I don't see a steel chair.

Yuffie: > challenge Lucifer to a duel

You do have gloves. You hit Lucifer across the face with one of them. He doesn't seem impressed. What terms would you like to propose for your duel?

F: > a fully charged and operational phone to whoever is the least like the devil

Lucifer accepts your duel and immediately realises he's fucked up. You obtain a phone!

Rei: > make phonecall

There doesn't appear to be any signal here.

Rei: > make. phonecall.

There doesn't appear to be any signal here. Lucifer departs in a huff.

Rei: > miss Lucifer

You really felt you had a connection.

Rei: > write a poem about your loss

Oh, Satan,
I wish we ate in
a restaurant, you know, as if we were datin'.


F: > E

You remember you can move in directions and go east. There are trees here, unsurprisingly. In the light of your phone screen, you see something on the ground.

Rei: > poke object with toe

You poke the object with your toe and quickly regret it, having used your broken leg. The object rocks slightly.

Rei: > wonder why I didn't use my other leg

You often wonder why you do the things you do.

F: > rock object further

The object rocks more. Nothing exciting appears to transpire.

Rei: > tickle object

The object doesn't seem very ticklish.

F: > make really earnest attempt to tip object over

You make a really earnest attempt to tip the object over and succeed! As it tips, despite your best efforts to avoid examining it, you note that it appears to be some sort of wooden idol or totem. On the back you've now exposed is a black-rimmed hole in the shape of a butterfly.

Rei: > look around for butterflies
N: > lament the condition of man.

You look around. A bright blue butterfly flutters past, referencing an entirely different videogame.

F: > get the reference
Rei: > CRY
G: > cry at the reference

You take a moment to not feel great about the condition of man, and then you feel MUCH WORSE about the butterfly. More like butterCRY.

Rei: > thanks for crying!
N: > draw a deku stick

You sketch a Deku stick on the forest floor with your walking stick, having failed to clarify 'draw'.

G: > admire your own artwork

You are on creative FIRE today.

F: > cast creative FIRA

Unfortunately, you have yet to learn second-level spells, mainly because you won't stop pissing around with poetry rather than applying yourself to your studies.

F: > settle for creative FIRE
F: > cast it on the butterfly in a attempt to farm AP
AH: Please stop!

The butterfly has fluttered away, you monster.
AH, you have the power to end this session.

AH: How?! I don't even understand this conversation!
F: > make phone call

There doesn't appear to be any signal here.

F: > believe in the heart of the cards and make phone call

You believe as hard as you can. There doesn't appear to be any signal here.

Rei: > pick up totem

You pick up the totem. As you gaze into the butterfly hole, you have a sudden vision of yourself being eaten by Shia LaBeouf.

F: > contemplate weirdness of that

It does seem a bit odd.

N: > call on the spirt of Joseph Gordon Levitt.

You call on the spirit of someone Riona doesn't know. He greets you briefly and immediately departs before she has to write him.

Rei: > throw the totem against a tree and keep walking

You throw the totem against a tree. It clatters to the forest floor. Its expression doesn't change, but somehow it looks betrayed.
You keep walking.

Yuffie: > suddenly stop, feeling like someone is following creepily
F: > without further warning, cast creative fire behind self

You cast creative fire, hitting Shia LaBeouf full in the face.
It creates a fetching pair of spectacles.

Yuffie: > pick up spectacles
F: > don spectacles

Shia LaBeouf was so happy with his new spectacles that he was going to let you go, but now that you've so brazenly plucked them straight off his nose he seems pretty intent on eating you again.

F: > eat self first

You laugh in Shia LaBeouf's face as you devour yourself in front of him. You perish, but in the most satisfying way possible, and in the knowledge that your poetry will shape the English literary canon for decades to come.

***YOU HAVE WON!***

F: > ghost victory dance
C: More of this sort of thing
Yuffie: Proud of you all
F: > ghost. phone. call.

Who you gonna call?

F: AH

AH, you're up.

AH: No



I can't believe they didn't check the inventory once. There wouldn't have been anything particularly interesting in the inventory, but come on. It's like you guys have never played a text adventure before.

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