Trabia Garden

I don't have a fic on the go at the moment, but I'm in the mood to do something creative, so I thought I'd dig up one of my favourite memes!

Ask any fictional character you think I might be able to manage a question, and I'll reply in-character as them with an answer (or possibly reply as myself going 'WHAT THE HELL, I CAN'T DO THIS'). Feel free to ask either as yourself or as another character.

If you're not sure what fandoms I'm in, the fandom list on my AO3 might help.

You may, if you wish, ask multiple questions (and/or multiple characters) or attempt to engage the characters in extended conversation. Ask away!

I am extremely sorry to everyone for this post.

Here are my thoughts on the masturbation habits of the characters of The Goes Wrong Show.


( Surprisingly few of these characters actually masturbate. )


I briefly considered posting this under access lock, but I've decided to make it a public entry because my housemates have a right to see it and laugh at me.

It's time for another dream roundup!


( Dreams from March and April. )


Finally: in one dream, I was trying to remember whether the word for someone who doesn't drink was 'geepltimer' or 'geppltimer', and then I woke up and remembered it was 'teetotaller'.

I've received a few more Goes Wrong questions on Tumblr!


Anonymous: Cornley School au anon here. I worded it terribly, sorry. What I meant to ask was about the Cornley Polytechnic Drama Society if they had met as teenagers and grown up in the 2010s but I absolutely garbled the word soup there.

Ah, thank you for clarifying, and I'm sorry for getting confused! It worked out in the end, because I enjoyed the idea of everyone getting trapped in the drama room.

I was an adult by the 2010s myself (I'm pretty much exactly the same age as Lewis/Sayer/Shields) (even the most virulent antis cannot complain about our four-month age gap when Robert Grove and I get married)*, so I don't know how intelligently I could talk about what it would be like for them to grow up in that decade; I imagine smartphones in particular made it a very different experience! (Unless Cornley has no reception, which I could definitely believe.)

* This is assuming that Robert is the same age as his actor, which is admittedly not a given! Chris is canonically two years older than Robert, whereas there are only three months between their actors. I considered using Lewis for this joke instead, but it's not Henry Lewis I'm weird about; it's Robert Grove. Which is unfortunate, because marrying Lewis would be a) more achievable and b) probably a less terrible idea.

If they met as teenagers, I could see them sort of gravitating around Robert. Things often feel uncertain and unstable when you're a teenager, and, at that age, I can imagine that Robert's projected air of absolute confidence might feel magnetic, particularly for the characters who have very little confidence themselves (e.g. Dennis and Vanessa). It's possible I just think that because I find Robert so compelling myself, though!

If Robert does end up the centre of their group, of course, it's only a matter of time before he ropes them into putting on theatre. They are doomed to end up in the drama society in every universe.


Anonymous, continued: Also, I am taking notes on If We Were Villains and I shall explore that... but yes, we do not want Robert killing Chris!

I hope you enjoy If We Were Villains, if you check it out! It's not a perfect book, but I really enjoyed how intense and weird the character dynamics were.

Maybe Robert could instead attempt to murder Chris and then get really huffy that Chris won't let it go. The man's still alive, isn't he? Why is he still complaining over one measly murder attempt? It's been weeks!


Anonymous: I don't know if this counts as a ficlet, but I'd love to see Man-Spider's mishaps with the Goes Wrong crew.

This is such a deep cut, and I’m so curious about who you are! In any case, Man-Spider is thrilled that someone remembers him.


( The Theatrical Adventures of Man-Spider. )


Anonymous: Who would be the worst member of Cornley for Robert to be bodyswapped with? I am imagining shenanigans galore for every possibility!!!

I feel Sandra is simultaneously the worst and the best option!

Robert rather enjoys being in Sandra’s body. Does a lot of strutting and posing, comments that he can see why Sandra’s such a fan of it.

Sandra hates being Robert, right up until she realises that, if she’s in someone else’s body, she can have sex with herself. Robert takes up the suggestion with great enthusiasm. They make very little effort to hide what they’re up to from the rest of the society, who are deeply unhappy about this.

My usual policy is that, if I write fanfiction in the comments of someone else's journal or community, I'll repost it in an entry over here. If I write fanfiction in the comments of my own journal, though, I won't make an entry for it; it already exists on my journal in some capacity, after all.

However! wolfy_writing's prompt in the comments of this entry ('Robert's ideas for seducing every other member of the drama society') launched me into writing eight separate short fics in response, one pairing Robert of The Goes Wrong Show with each other member of the drama society. I think that's an ambitious enough project to warrant its own entry!

Do these fics technically fit the original prompt? Let's... let's not worry about that.


( Much Ado, Robert/Annie, 900 words. )

( With the Camera, Robert/Sandra, 700 words. )

( In Position, Robert/Trevor, 1,100 words. )

( Imparting Wisdom, Robert/Dennis, 1,200 words. )

( Problem-Solving, Robert/Jonathan, 700 words. )

( Hands-On, Robert/Vanessa, 2,200 words. )

( Chemistry Testing, Robert/Max, 1,000 words. )

( Rehearsals, Robert/Chris, 2,300 words. )

Thank you to wolfy_writing for inspiring the concept of Robert trying to help Chris accept his sexuality! I had a great time writing this.


Title: Breaking the Closet
Fandom: The Goes Wrong Show
Rating: G
Pairing: Robert/Chris
Wordcount: 2,200
Summary: “Left to his own devices,” Robert says, “Chris will simply continue to repress his homosexuality. We have a duty to help.”

( Breaking the Closet )

Taskmaster is back, and I enjoyed the new episode a lot; it looks like it's shaping up to be a fun series! Here, in honour of the occasion, are a couple of Goes Wrong/Taskmaster questions I've been asked on Tumblr.


the-red-thread-that-strangles: If you could pick a lineup of contestants from The Goes Wrong Show to participate in Taskmaster, who would you pick, how would they do, and who do you think would win?

I’d love to see Annie, Chris, Dennis, Robert and Vanessa as a Taskmaster lineup!

I don’t imagine anyone’s surprised that I’ve chosen Robert. He’d throw himself into every task with great determination, but he’d swiftly get frustrated and start complaining. He’d argue passionately against every poor score he receives, no matter how obviously warranted.

Vanessa would approach every task with an air of brisk but slightly nervous competence and fall apart immediately.

Dennis would misunderstand more or less every task and do something completely different. His general air is ‘wandered onto the set by accident, confused and scared, doesn’t entirely know what Taskmaster is and seems to believe that something terrible will happen if he doesn’t complete these tasks’. Greg and Alex are increasingly baffled by him. Over the course of the series, Greg’s responses to Dennis’s task attempts go from making fun of him to 'you okay, mate?’

Annie would be having an incredible time; she’d have a blast with the tasks and would cheer the others on enthusiastically in the studio. She’d probably win the series.

Chris would consider the affair undignified and would sigh deeply after reading every task. He’d start out putting in a half-hearted effort, then get increasingly angry as his efforts fail and end up throwing his entire being into getting the task done.

The teams are Annie/Vanessa/Dennis, who muddle disastrously through tasks together but occasionally manage to do something surprisingly well, and Chris/Robert, who never get anything done because they’re so busy arguing about the correct approach.

Trevor, despite not being a contestant, is inexplicably there, running around in the background of tasks and putting out fires.


Anonymous: ok but who would win in a fight between robert grove and greg davies?

I think both Greg and Robert would shrink from a serious physical fight! If you forced them to battle, however, Robert is strong as hell and it’s hot; he unintentionally knocks Chris flat with a backhand in The Lodge, and he’s able to pick Annie and Dennis up with apparently very little effort. (This five-second clip in particular, where he grabs Dennis and zooms offstage, left me thinking a lot about Robert's capacity to throw people around.)

So my answer is that they’ll both try to run away from the fight. If a battle did take place, Robert would theoretically win. However, because he is a member of the Cornley Drama Society, he’s going to trip over and knock himself out in the first five seconds of the fight, and Greg will be left to claim slightly confused victory.

That or they’d make out, obviously.

Another instalment of Goes Wrong questions I've been asked on Tumblr! I've been having a great time with these.


Anonymous: Do you think Chris would have felt self-conscious about being called 'weak' by Robert? Would Robert like that Chris is 'weak' or want him to be a more even match? (I am imagining a (disastrous) Cornley training montage.)

I think Chris probably hated being called weak by Robert; it bothered him more than he'd like to admit. From anyone else, he'd have been able to shrug it off; his strength isn't usually something he's particularly insecure about! From Robert, though, the accusation of weakness gets under his skin.

For his part, Robert disapproves of Chris's weakness and feels a responsibility to fix it. This might actually be part of why he's constantly pushing against Chris's decisions; in his head, he's helping Chris learn to stand up for himself. They can't have a weak director, either in mind or in body; it puts the whole drama society at risk. What if someone stronger comes along and forces Chris to make the wrong casting decision?

Robert should ideally be the director, of course. But, if he can't be, he can at least make Chris stronger. (Cue the disastrous training montage.)


Anonymous: DO YOU THINK ANY OF CORNLEY WOULD BE TUMBLR USERS? AND IF THEY ALL WERE THEN WHAT WOULD THEIR BLOGS LOOK LIKE?

Chris created a Tumblr in the hope of promoting the drama society, but he gave up on it very quickly. It contains four posts: a photograph of the set for one of their plays, a photograph of the poster for one of their plays, and two photographs of birds he reblogged.

Robert is not really an Internet person and does not have a Tumblr. However, if he did have one, it would be entirely filled with black-and-white photographs of himself in dramatic poses, each captioned with a quotation from a play.

Sandra's Tumblr is all selfies, all the time. She never reblogs anything or communicates with anyone else on the platform. (Chris and Robert might communicate with other Tumblr users, but a) rarely, and b) only to get into arguments.)

Max posts photographs multiple times per day. Pictures of rehearsals, friends, family, animals, landscapes, plants, food. Sometimes he'll post a photograph that leaves people going 'why did you even take this?': a paving slab, the corner of a desk, a blurry close-up of his own sleeve. He follows all the others and likes everything they post, but he never reblogs.

Annie actually uses Tumblr properly! She reblogs pictures she likes and text posts that make her laugh, she keeps up with her mutuals, and she posts a lot of ask memes to encourage people to talk to her. She's definitely at least peripherally aware of fandom and may well be actively in fandom.

Dennis originally just used his Tumblr for liking animal pictures and videos, but then he saw a post scolding people for not reblogging and panicked. He now reblogs everything he sees out of a confused sense of obligation.

Vanessa created a Tumblr at Annie's insistence, spent a long time carefully setting it up and finding the perfect layout, and then got too intimidated to actually use it and left it untouched. If she did use it, she would exclusively reblog, rather than making any posts of her own, and would tag everything meticulously; she and Annie are the only members of the drama society who actually use tags.

Jonathan exclusively makes short text posts about his everyday life like he thinks he's on Twitter.

Trevor's Tumblr has never been used; it has a default icon and no posts. The blog name is 'trevor' and the blog description is 'stop telling me to make one of these annie'.

Part two of my responses to questions about The Goes Wrong Show from Tumblr!


solspeak: What elements of Robert's character/voice do you try to keep in mind when you're writing him? Why are you so weird about Robert? Are these two things connected? robert

The main things I bear in mind when writing fanfiction about Robert Grove:

- Robert is always acting. The world's a stage, and he takes that very literally. He's always looking for opportunities to give some sort of performance to some sort of audience, in the theatre or out of it.

- Robert is always correct. Whatever he says, no matter how ridiculous, he says it with perfect confidence. He'll also refuse to take the blame for anything, because that would mean admitting that his actions were wrong, and he is, as mentioned, always correct.

- Robert enjoys giving advice and assistance. His efforts to help will probably make things worse, but he's convinced he knows how to solve your issue, and good luck persuading him otherwise.

- Robert is a very genuine and serious person, but he's not an honest person, which is an interesting combination. He says what he means, he's not in the habit of playing pranks (I'm struggling to think of times he even makes jokes), and, when he lies, it tends to be either because he's panicking or because he believes the lie is necessary for the greater good. (Not everyone will agree with Robert's interpretation of 'the greater good'. For example, he believes that, for the sake of theatre, he should play the lead role at any cost.)

- Following on from that thought, Robert expects other people to be genuine in return; he's a trusting person, I think! He doesn't necessarily expect them to be competent, but he expects them to mean what they say.

- Robert's speech is always a little too grand. He doesn't speak like a person; he speaks like someone acting from a script. His choice of phrasing tends to be on the elaborate or old-fashioned side, and it's rare for him to hesitate or stumble over his words.

- Robert is selfish and has questionable morals, but it's rare for him to act maliciously. When he hurts people, it tends to be because the consequences of his words or actions simply did not occur to him, often because he was too focused on his goal to consider that he'd be hurting someone in the process. The people around him end up just as hurt, of course! But, for characterisation purposes, I think it's important to remember that Robert isn't a cackling villain; he's an inconsiderate friend.

- Although Robert is often rude in his thoughtless bluntness, he thinks of himself as polite, so he’ll follow surface-level rules of politeness like saying 'please’ and 'thank you’.

- Robert is a slightly lonely person, although he may not consciously acknowledge it, and enjoys the company of the drama society.

- Robert is extremely goddamn weird about Chris. Are you writing a Robert/Chris fic? No? Doesn't matter. He is still thinking about Chris two hundred percent of the time.

- Fundamentally, all of Robert's actions proceed logically from the belief that nothing is more important than acting. He's very weird, but he's weird in a way that makes internal sense.

As for why I'm so weird about Robert... well. In part, it's because he's such a fun character! He's dramatic and ridiculous and in-your-face in a way that I find an absolute blast to write, and I have a lot of fun exploring his insane dynamic with Chris.

In part, it's... I'll be honest: it's because Robert Grove, as played by Henry Lewis, is ridiculously hot. I've always had a weakness for a large, imposing man with a loud and aggressive persona, and he's extremely handsome on top of that. The first episode of The Goes Wrong Show I watched was 'The Lodge', which features one of Robert's most attractive roles, and my two main reactions were 'this is very silly and pretty fun' and 'this show contains the hottest man in the world???'

In conclusion, Robert Grove is hot as hell and twice as unbearable, and I find him deeply compelling.


the-red-thread-that-strangles: How is the practice that somehow was scheduled on Valentine's Day going?

It sounds to me like this is a question for the Cornley Drama Society themselves, so I've sent it their way!

Dennis: We've got a question from someone called... the-red-thread-that-strangles? Bit violent. Um, she wants to know how the Valentine's Day rehearsal is going.
Chris: Fine. It's going fine, obviously. We're professionals; I don't know why you'd expect anything else.
Robert: You're being needlessly defensive, Chris; all she asked was how it's going. Thank you for your interest, Ms Strangles. It's going very well.
Chris: We're professionals. It's going very professionally.
Dennis: Annie kissed everyone. And Max.
Chris: In a – in a professional fashion.
Dennis: I liked it. I thought it was nice. And I made everyone Valentine's Day cards.
Robert: Absolutely illegible.
Dennis: But you knew what they meant, right? Because you know what day it is.
Robert: I suppose that's undeniable.
Chris: (very reluctantly) The cards were a nice touch.

Dream roundup time! It's only been three weeks since the last one, but I've had some convoluted dreams lately.


( Dreams from March. )


Finally: I think I dreamt last night that Robert of The Goes Wrong Show turned into a small aeroplane and Chris turned into an engine? They were indoors - in a restaurant or something, rather than a hangar - so it was a very small aeroplane: still larger than a person, certainly, but able to fit in a room. It was strangely intimate, because Chris was nestled against Robert's aeroplane 'neck', where the forward edge of the wing met the fuselage, and rumbling/purring.

I am now weirdly emotionally invested in aeroplane/engine slash, and I don't know what to do with this feeling.

Wait, did this happen because I was talking yesterday about what it would be like to be next to Robert Grove on a flight?