"For our Star in a Reasonably-Priced Car tonight, we couldn't get anyone. No one at all! So I'm going to be boring and interview Richard and James. Stop them sneaking out for a smoke while I'm up here working."
---
"So, James, how long have you been a homosexual?"
"How long have you been fantasizing about me being one?"
"I'm assuming the motorcycle is so you have an excuse to swan about in leather trousers. Does you get many blokes checking out your arse? Particularly Richard, under drunk and embarrassing circumstances I can get you to repeat on national television?"
"I have not!"
"Well, there's one man I know who always seems to notice. Every time I ride my motorcycle around him, he stares at my bottom and makes remarks. He's constantly insinuating that I'm a homosexual, and can't stop talking about men, male attractiveness, and who is or isn't gay. Rather a blatant closet-case, but I think he could be a nice boyfriend once he grows out of it."
"Oh, God. You did not just say that. Jeremy, tell me he did not just say that. Oh, God, why are you smiling?"
"And in the meantime, you can always have another drunken summer romance with Oz Clarke."
"Actually, the principle problem of summers with Oz is that he doesn't let me drink enough."
"I would give anything not to be in this conversation right now."
---
"Well, that was unexpected."
"Jezza, did you know about Richard and the Stig?"
"Not a clue, mate. I didn't even know the helmet came off, let alone that Hamster would want to snog what was underneath."
"He did look happy."
"True. Want to shag? The entire audience collapsed in shock when the Stig opened his visor."
As I am slightly bored and insane, I am going to fill this in with random Top Gear Presenters.
---
"So, James, how long have you been a homosexual?"
"How long have you been fantasizing about me being one?"
"I'm assuming the motorcycle is so you have an excuse to swan about in leather trousers. Does you get many blokes checking out your arse? Particularly Richard, under drunk and embarrassing circumstances I can get you to repeat on national television?"
"I have not!"
"Well, there's one man I know who always seems to notice. Every time I ride my motorcycle around him, he stares at my bottom and makes remarks. He's constantly insinuating that I'm a homosexual, and can't stop talking about men, male attractiveness, and who is or isn't gay. Rather a blatant closet-case, but I think he could be a nice boyfriend once he grows out of it."
"Oh, God. You did not just say that. Jeremy, tell me he did not just say that. Oh, God, why are you smiling?"
"And in the meantime, you can always have another drunken summer romance with Oz Clarke."
"Actually, the principle problem of summers with Oz is that he doesn't let me drink enough."
"I would give anything not to be in this conversation right now."
---
"Well, that was unexpected."
"Jezza, did you know about Richard and the Stig?"
"Not a clue, mate. I didn't even know the helmet came off, let alone that Hamster would want to snog what was underneath."
"He did look happy."
"True. Want to shag? The entire audience collapsed in shock when the Stig opened his visor."
"I suppose."
"Homosexualist."
"Pikey."