wolfy_writing: (Default)
wolfy_writing ([personal profile] wolfy_writing) wrote in [personal profile] rionaleonhart 2020-06-27 04:53 pm (UTC)

“Maybe it’ll be easier if I think of you as Rimmer’s identical twin, like,” Lister says from the top bunk. “Uh, Dimmer.”

Excellent name choice, Lister. Likely to go over really well!

“I’m not saying that,” Lister says. “I’m just saying I wouldn’t mind if you were a different Rimmer, who happens to be dead.”

I love this line!

“Well, excuse me if I don’t particularly want to hear you mooning over how deeply in love you were with this other, better version of me,” Rimmer says. “I’m sure it was tragic that he didn’t have a physical body and you couldn’t get your end away, but—”

“Nah, that got sorted later on,” Lister says.

There is a pause.

A really quite extensive pause.


AWHITH AUOT IGTOUhhQUTGIH!

“You’re still saying you think I could conceive of wanting...” He makes a sweeping hand gesture, intended to indicate Lister’s general hideous personage.

Yes, Rimmer, because you spontaneously brought it up!

“I’d like to reiterate that we’re not total strangers to each other,” Rimmer says. “It may not be the however many years you keep wittering on about, but I’ve still spent a frankly intolerable amount of time in your company. I probably know things about you that your Rimmer” – he puts as much distaste into the word your as humanly possible – “ended up forgetting. Didn’t you say he spent six hundred years on a sort of... planet of me? That’s got to push out a fond cable repair memory or two.”

He is so jealous of himself!

“He asked me to,” Lister says, slightly defensive. “He couldn’t really function with that taking up, what, ninety-five percent of his life? I took the bad parts of Rimmerworld out of his head, let him keep the good parts.” He pauses. “Think he ended up with about three hours.”

I love everything about this!

There but for the grace of nanobots, apparently. “Right. Well, the point remains: I’m still Rimmer. I’m not necessarily someone you like, but I’m someone you know. I’m not... not Steve Deve with a face transplant.”

“Who’s Steve Deve?”

“Someone you don’t know,” Rimmer says. “That’s the point.”


This made me laugh out loud!

“A euphemism?” Rimmer asks. “Look, I realise there are a lot of euphemisms for death. I’d have accepted ‘passed away’ or ‘shuffled off the post-mortal coil’ or ‘unclogged his last soup nozzle’. I’m not sure I can accept ‘put on that stupid smegging wig and flew off in that fancy spaceship’.”

AGAIN, LITERALLY LAUGHING OUT LOUD!

“Yeah, the fancy spaceship of Death,” Lister says. “Wearing the stupid wig... of Death.”

VERY CONVINCING SAVE, LISTER!

“Okay,” Rimmer says at last, when Lister’s finished telling his absurd story. “I hate to break it to you, but I absolutely did hologram-die, because there is no possible way I survived more than two days as some sort of dimension-hopping do-gooder.”

Lister winces. “Don’t say that.”


Oh god, that's got to hurt Lister so much, thinking about that!

“God, you really were smegging in love with him, weren’t you?” Rimmer asks. “That’s all I need.”

Again, Rimmer, you jumped from "Had confidence in a version of me" to "Was in love with that version of me."

“Are you serious?” Lister asks. “Is this bog-standard homophobia, or does it just freak you out that anyone could be stupid enough to care about you?”

This being Rimmer, I'm pretty sure it's both.

“Wait.” Lister swings himself out of his bunk, stands with his arms crossed and head cocked, looking down at Rimmer. “Are you jealous?”

Lister, you're just suspecting that now? The man cannot stop talking about your feelings for the alternate version of him and how very sexual he's sure they are!

He can still salvage this conversation. “Yes, Lister, because there’s so much to envy about a dead git who had the good fortune to be fawned over by you. Let me guess: are you still wearing the same pair of boxers you came out of stasis in?”

“Nah, Kryten made me change them.”

“Didn’t you say you met Kryten, what, a year after you emerged?”


Another literal laugh-out-loud moment!

“Show you?” Lister asks.

Smeg. “Tell me, I meant.”

“Show you,” Lister repeats.

Rimmer points at him, accusatory. “You’re thinking again!”

“Oh, sorry,” Lister says. “My mistake. Don’t know why these thoughts keep crossing my mind when all you did was innocently ask me to snog you.”


I love how the only one who fails to perceive Rimmer's blatant flirtation is Rimmer!

Well, all right, a regular morning jog isn’t going to make anyone immune to radiation poisoning, but rightly it feels like it should.

That is extremely Rimmer!

“Look, I’m just giving you smeg,” Lister says. “I’ll back off if you want me to.”

“Oh, yes,” Rimmer says. “Scurry off with your tail between your legs. You’ve never carried anything through; why start now?”


You know, Rimmer, an emotionally functional person would either accept the out because he didn't want to kiss Lister or admit that he wants to kiss Lister!

It’s a matter of principle by this point. Isn’t it? It’s a matter of principle. There are principles here, somewhere, and it’s Rimmer’s duty—

THERE IS CLEARLY SOME KIND OF PRICIPLE AT WORK OBLIGATING RIMMER TO KISS LISTER!

“Like that,” Lister says at last, breaking away. “Only he was a better kisser.”

All of the things Rimmer intended to say – well, that was a mistake, let’s just quietly erase it from the history books and never mention it again – are instantly chased out by outrage. “Smeg off. He was not.”


That is the best possible way to get him to want more kissing, Lister! Very clever!

“This is the version of me you get,” Rimmer says. “You’d better get used to it.”

A grin creeps onto Lister’s face again. “I get you, do I?”

“This—” Rimmer has to pause and clear his throat. “This is the version of me who – who happens to be here, in your vicinity.”

Lister laughs and kisses him again.


Adorable ending!

Post a comment in response:

If you don't have an account you can create one now.
No Subject Icon Selected
More info about formatting