The Top Gear Trio Stayed In Their Own Universe. It Was Nice.

[rionaleonhart]

Today, I was writing Top Gear werewolf-fic and fanfiction about the Top Gear trio meeting members of Torchwood in a Cardiff that had turned into Silent Hill before the Doctor turned up and whisked them away to find Sherlock Holmes, unintentionally catapulting Sam Tyler and the Real Hustle trio into 1973 in the process, and I realised, rather to my distress, that I seem to be completely incapable nowadays of writing anything that isn't crackfic.

As some other people on my friendslist also seem to have been feeling a bit of a crack overload of late, this seems like an appropriate time to offer: would you like to request a non-crack drabble? Something a bit more specific than just a character or a pairing would be appreciated, as I am completely incapable of coming up with ideas on my own.

(Of course, I'll probably be back to posting entries about KATAMARI MADE OUT OF PYRAMID HEADS before long, but I'd just like to take a moment to reassure myself that I can write things that are relatively sane.)

Comments

[yaminokurisu.livejournal.com]

I seem to be completely incapable nowadays of writing anything that isn't crackfic.

SAME PROBLEM HERE BUT THIS ISN'T A PROBLEM (for me at least). I recently wrote about David Mitchell turning into a rabbit. Why write sane things when you can make people laugh?

[apiphile.livejournal.com]

He already looks like one! *is thrilled*

[dracothelizard.livejournal.com]

A prompt for something non-cracky?

Er.

*has a think*

Jeremy/Richard and unfortunate incidents involving cooking appliances.

[rionaleonhart]

...BLAST BLAST BLAST I MUST RESIST THE URGE TO MAKE ONE OF THEM INTO A WOMAN IN A HORRIBLE TOASTER ACCIDENT.



Jeremy had very little discretion when it came to his relationship with Richard; he was quite clearly delighted that he had acquired a man lusted after by half of the population of Great Britain, and so he very much enjoyed flaunting that fact by snogging him in the street, during filming and indeed anywhere they could be seen.

As Jeremy was convinced that James especially would love to be in his position, he took particular care to ravish Richard in front of him at every opportunity.

Unfortunately, one of these opportunities involved dragging Richard out of the kitchen to ensure that James would have a good view, and by the time they remembered that the frying pan had been left on the hob most of the room was on fire.

Really, James thought as they evacuated, he was surprised it hadn’t happened before.

[dracothelizard.livejournal.com]

*sniggers* I knew something was going to be set on fire!

[amy-wolf.livejournal.com]

I MUST RESIST THE URGE TO MAKE ONE OF THEM INTO A WOMAN IN A HORRIBLE TOASTER ACCIDENT.

This definitely needs to be one of your post titles.

Great drabble, by the way. More Jeremy/Richard needs to feature them accidentally setting things on fire in the heat of passion.

And possibly gratuitous explosions.

[apiphile.livejournal.com]

Could you write about Jack/Ianto's first proper date for me?

[rionaleonhart]

...Hmmm. This could be difficult, because I've barely written a word of Torchwood fanfiction (seriously, the Top Gear trio in the Silent Hill-ised Cardiff thing I was writing today is the first time I've attempted any Torchwood characters), but I shall try!

...AND NOW I HAVE TRIED AND IT IS AWFUL, GAH.



The food has been delicious, and the conversation has not yet faltered to such an extent that it would be awkward. That's not what's bothering Ianto. What is bothering Ianto is the fact that all of the conversation has been about work, and, while murderous aliens never entirely lose their appeal as a topic of discussion, they are not what he thought they would be talking about tonight.

"Why haven't you told us where you went?" he asks, when they have exhausted the topic of the flying whale that ate three families while Jack was missing and then plunged into the Atlantic.

Jack laughs. "You wouldn't believe me."

Ianto raises an eyebrow. Jack, apparently oblivious, orders more wine.

When ten minutes have passed, Jack can apparently no longer ignore Ianto's obvious discomfort. "Something wrong?"

"You never tell us anything about what's happened to you," Ianto says. "I thought I might have a chance to learn something about you tonight."

Jack looks at him for a moment, then leans back, folding his arms. "All right. Ask me any question; I'll answer it."

"Where did you go when you left us?"

"Any yes or no question," Jack amends.

It's infuriating, but Ianto can't quite suppress a small smile anyway. "Were you ill?"

"What?"

"You said you were looking for a doctor."

"Ah, right." He pauses. "It depends on whether you'd call immortality an illness. I definitely haven't been cured."

Ianto nods. He finishes his steak before speaking again.

"Did you go on a skiing holiday?"

Jack laughs. "No."

"Kidnapped by aliens?"

Jack frowns, thinking for a moment. "...No."

Ianto folds and unfolds and refolds his napkin, not meeting Jack's eyes. "Did you go because you didn't care about us?"

"If I didn't care about you," Jack says, "I wouldn't have come back."

"But you cared more about finding your doctor."

"Yes," Jack says, and then, seeing Ianto's almost-flinch, "See, this is why you don't want me to tell you things."

Ianto stares at his glass of wine. "Did you kiss Captain John? In the bar?"

"Yes."

"Did you have sex with him?"

"No."

"Would you have, if we hadn't turned up?" He doesn't want to know the answer. He doesn't know why he's asking.

"Probably, yes."

There is a pause.

"This is a terrible, terrible date," Ianto mutters.

"Would you rather we talked about the Raxacoricofallapatorians?"

"Please."

[emmarrrrr.livejournal.com]

ahahahaha

i love you

your ianto is adorable and you obviously have practice writing jack from all the sky-pirating.

[apiphile.livejournal.com]

OW. *sobs* Oh Ianto. NOW I NEED TO GIVE HIM A HUG.

[rowanberries.livejournal.com]

AHAHAHA.

This is so very, very true. And your voices are excellent.

[amy-wolf.livejournal.com]

Jeremy agreeing to kiss whoever wins some race or challenge (like that race on one of his car videos where he wound up having to kiss the Stig's helmet), as a joke.

Jame or Richard (your choice) wins.

[rionaleonhart]

"No," Jeremy said. "No. Absolutely not."

"Come on, Jeremy," James said, with the barest hint of a self-satisfied smile. "You shouldn't make bargains like this if you're not prepared to follow through with them."

"I wouldn't have made bargains like this if I'd known there'd be any chance that I'd need to!" Jeremy argued, apparently entirely convinced that this was a perfectly valid excuse. "Technically, you didn't even beat me, because I never reached the finish line."

There was a pause.

"I'm not sure your 'technical' definition is shared by anyone else in the world," Richard pointed out.

"No, look," Jeremy said. "In order to beat me, he has to cross the finish line before I do. If I haven't crossed the finish line at all, he can't have crossed it before I did."

"Presumably, you'll have to avoid crossing the finish line for the rest of your life, then," James observed. "Meaning you'll never be able to go to Germany again."

"It's no great loss," Jeremy said, waving a hand dismissively and trying not to think of the Autobahn. "Why do you want me to kiss you, anyway? I always knew you were a homosexualist."

"The question of my sexuality aside," James said, "I think that, having said that you would kiss me if I won the race, you can't really back out now. You ate the snow."

"Better golden snow than Captain Slow," Jeremy muttered. "All right, but I want you both never to mention this again."

And he kissed James. It was awkward, and a little longer than either of them had anticipated, as the wager hadn't been hugely specific and they weren't quite sure of how much was expected, but eventually they broke apart.

"Hmmm," Jeremy said.

There was a brief silence, and then he spoke again.

"Fancy another race?"

[amy-wolf.livejournal.com]

You're brilliant! This is perfect!

[amy-wolf.livejournal.com]

AND, AND, AND...

Jeremy Clarkson and Oz Clark. Drinking far too much and talking about James. Oscillation ensues.

[th-esaurus.livejournal.com]

I would request something Boosh-y, but you would probably make a distressed face at me ):

[rionaleonhart]

I - I could try? But it wouldn't be good, so I'm more worried about the distressed faces you would be making.

[th-esaurus.livejournal.com]

O Riona. You know I always think your stuff is awesome.

[rionaleonhart]

You are terribly lovely, but I don't usually write fanfiction about people I have no idea how to characterise!

If you make a request, though, I'll give it a try.

[emmarrrrr.livejournal.com]

Um.

The Doctor and the Master are living together in the tardis post-s3. angst ensues?

or

time-travelling sky-pirates in any way shape or form

there is such a thing as a non-crack crossover, i swear!

[talcat.livejournal.com]

Richard worring he's not smart enough for James.

I wanted to ask for TW but couldn't think of anything that wasn't crack

[thebaconfat.livejournal.com]

Omg!

I would absolutely love some Balthier and Fran sky-pirating OR hanging out at The Sandsea OR crashing and/or fixing the Strahl.

OR some nonspoilery Sam/Gene hatesex crime-fighting, possibly involving a stakeout or being in disguise or sharing a hotel room?

[newbie1990.livejournal.com]

Jeremy mocks James. I AM SPECIFIC. Oh, idk. Drabble in which James is James-ish and lovely and ignores Jeremy's intense mockery AS HE DOES.

Or James-comes-out-of-the-closet.

Or Jeremy has EVIL EVIL PLANS about threesomes.

OR Jeremy comes out of the closet. I REALLY WANT THIS. I am pretty sure that I have never seen it done before.

Or GEN. The first prompt is probably gen. INSIDE JEREMY CLARKSON'S MIND.

/too many prompts argh what

I would request other fandoms (JD/Cox - Cox mocks JD pointlessly for a bit, INSIDE ELLIOT REID'S MIND, Oz Clarke as Star In A Reasonably Priced Car, the Master being awesome, etc.) BUT there are too many already.

[rionaleonhart]

I am enormously distressed, because according to the rules of the game I am not allowed to interpret 'INSIDE JEREMY CLARKSON'S MIND' as 'RICHARD AND JAMES LITERALLY GO INSIDE JEREMY'S MIND AND EXPLORE A LANDSCAPE REPRESENTING HIS PSYCHE', and it is difficult to keep myself from doing so.

Jeremy coming out of the closet sounds rather like fun!

[dracothelizard.livejournal.com]

"'RICHARD AND JAMES LITERALLY GO INSIDE JEREMY'S MIND AND EXPLORE A LANDSCAPE REPRESENTING HIS PSYCHE'"

That would be so hilarious and frightening.

[newbie1990.livejournal.com]

'RICHARD AND JAMES LITERALLY GO INSIDE JEREMY'S MIND AND EXPLORE A LANDSCAPE REPRESENTING HIS PSYCHE'

WRITE THIS. It would be the best thing ever. Just. Write it. /enabling.

[rhosyndu.livejournal.com]

Lesse, normal, normal...
But a motoring journalist having sex with his car while an undead newspaper editor watches is normal for Top Gear!

How about...
Holmes and Watson, an hour before Watson's wedding?
Withnail and I, trying to buy fish 'n chips from a toy shop?
A small blue plastic frog, and its unrequited love for its green counterpart?
Foreman and Wilson, discussing the new ducklings?

[galaxysong9.livejournal.com]

I'm sort of confused about the boundaries of 'crack'. Is carsex crack? I certainly don't think so, especially since I tend to think crack means 'not canon' and carsex clearly is canon. What about crossovers with people who have legitimate chance of being a Star in a etc.? Or have no chance but would still be amusing? Is Silent Hill crack? I mean, it's so illogical it's practically crack for Sunderland, and it might just be an exercise in characterisation! ARGH.

Write something in-character as Jeremy. Trying to do the sofa Hundai administration challenge, but not in song format (unless you're feeling really inspired).

[squeemu.livejournal.com]

Three ways Fran could have first met Balthier!

[wolfenkahlon.livejournal.com]

Um...

Something non-spoilery involving Fran and Balthier and... Giza rabbits.

The Top Gear trio lost in the jungle, or three challenges that they decided should not be attempted... (er, that last one would probably sound like crack wouldn't it...)

Torchwood, argument involving pizza...

Why is it so hard to think of prompts?

[wolfenkahlon.livejournal.com]

Why is this a reply to Squeemu?

*Goes to yell at own brain*