Riona (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
rionaleonhart) wrote2006-04-03 10:55 pm
rionaleonhart) wrote2006-04-03 10:55 pm
Entry tags:
Truth Be Told
After briefly shamelessly plugging my second JD/Cox fic, which I'm much more pleased with than the first (and I hope you enjoy it, because I've got a feeling that I'll be writing nothing but angst from now on), I will ramble about the episode My Screwup, which I have just watched. Spoilers and excessive woe behind the cut.
I really wish that I hadn't been spoiled for that episode, but it still hit me like a truck. My breathing is shallower than usual, and I'm shivering, and there's an incredibly strange not-quite-pain in my chest - I think that to say that this episode has broken my heart might actually be a literal truth. I sobbed aloud during the final scene - I think it was JD's 'where do you think you are?' that broke me, the sudden realisation of just how much Dr. Cox has been destroyed by this, how delusional he is with grief.
And oh, God, when Ben was mimicking Elliot and Cox was laughing and crying and it hurts my soul, it's such a beautiful mixture of the adorable love between them and sorrow and oh God my chest is tightening up again what has this episode done to me?
One of the things that distresses me the most is the last real parting of Cox and Ben, because it's just so casual and normal and they have no idea that they're never going to see each other again. Argh. Argh.
I loved Ben so much - I loved the way he teased everyone, and I loved his odd habits, and I especially loved the relationship he had with Dr. Cox. He was the only real friend Dr. Cox had - JD is important to Cox, yes, but they will never, never have the relationship that he and Ben had. And then he lost the only person he could ever have that connection with - without a goodbye, without any idea that it was going to happen, and with that horrible guilt hanging over him. It's no wonder that he became delusional.
...maybe it's better that I was spoiled for it, because if I'm reacting like this when I knew what was going on, I would probably have gone into cardiac arrest myself at the revelation if I hadn't.
And yes, I do realise that they are fictional characters and that I am being crazy, but when one of my favourite fictional characters and one half of one of my favourite fictional relationships dies, thereby destroying another of my favourite fictional characters, I'm allowed to lament, dammit.
...I get far too emotionally invested in things. Seriously.
I kind of hope that Cox still sees Ben, sometimes. I know that that probably wouldn't be a good thing - it was probably at least partially because of his guilt and inability to accept what had happened that he kept seeing Ben in the first place, and even if it was more grief- rather than guilt-related it seems a little cruel to wish a fragile mental state upon him (honestly, Riona, he's a fictional character, please stop worrying about him), but I can't bear to think that he's completely lost the companionship that Ben gave him. I hope that Ben's still hanging around, poking fun at him and annoying him by comparing himself to Jiminy Cricket.
The truth is, the thing that really upsets me isn't that I'm never going to see Ben again, although that does bother me. If he had never appeared on the show again, I would have been fine, so long as I knew that he was still alive. I'm worried for Dr. Cox's sake, and I know that's insane and stupid, but it's true. Also, because, y'know, I adored Ben.
God, I need Cox/Ben fanfiction. I don't care if I'm reading it or writing it. I don't care whether it's friendship or romance or full-blown sex. Why have I been writing JD/Cox all this time? ...and by 'all this time' I mean 'for the past couple of weeks', and I know why I've been writing it, it's because it's fun to write and they're incredibly slashable, but still. Cox/Ben. The world needs it. I need it.
...he shouldn't have died.
I really wish that I hadn't been spoiled for that episode, but it still hit me like a truck. My breathing is shallower than usual, and I'm shivering, and there's an incredibly strange not-quite-pain in my chest - I think that to say that this episode has broken my heart might actually be a literal truth. I sobbed aloud during the final scene - I think it was JD's 'where do you think you are?' that broke me, the sudden realisation of just how much Dr. Cox has been destroyed by this, how delusional he is with grief.
And oh, God, when Ben was mimicking Elliot and Cox was laughing and crying and it hurts my soul, it's such a beautiful mixture of the adorable love between them and sorrow and oh God my chest is tightening up again what has this episode done to me?
One of the things that distresses me the most is the last real parting of Cox and Ben, because it's just so casual and normal and they have no idea that they're never going to see each other again. Argh. Argh.
I loved Ben so much - I loved the way he teased everyone, and I loved his odd habits, and I especially loved the relationship he had with Dr. Cox. He was the only real friend Dr. Cox had - JD is important to Cox, yes, but they will never, never have the relationship that he and Ben had. And then he lost the only person he could ever have that connection with - without a goodbye, without any idea that it was going to happen, and with that horrible guilt hanging over him. It's no wonder that he became delusional.
...maybe it's better that I was spoiled for it, because if I'm reacting like this when I knew what was going on, I would probably have gone into cardiac arrest myself at the revelation if I hadn't.
And yes, I do realise that they are fictional characters and that I am being crazy, but when one of my favourite fictional characters and one half of one of my favourite fictional relationships dies, thereby destroying another of my favourite fictional characters, I'm allowed to lament, dammit.
...I get far too emotionally invested in things. Seriously.
I kind of hope that Cox still sees Ben, sometimes. I know that that probably wouldn't be a good thing - it was probably at least partially because of his guilt and inability to accept what had happened that he kept seeing Ben in the first place, and even if it was more grief- rather than guilt-related it seems a little cruel to wish a fragile mental state upon him (honestly, Riona, he's a fictional character, please stop worrying about him), but I can't bear to think that he's completely lost the companionship that Ben gave him. I hope that Ben's still hanging around, poking fun at him and annoying him by comparing himself to Jiminy Cricket.
The truth is, the thing that really upsets me isn't that I'm never going to see Ben again, although that does bother me. If he had never appeared on the show again, I would have been fine, so long as I knew that he was still alive. I'm worried for Dr. Cox's sake, and I know that's insane and stupid, but it's true. Also, because, y'know, I adored Ben.
God, I need Cox/Ben fanfiction. I don't care if I'm reading it or writing it. I don't care whether it's friendship or romance or full-blown sex. Why have I been writing JD/Cox all this time? ...and by 'all this time' I mean 'for the past couple of weeks', and I know why I've been writing it, it's because it's fun to write and they're incredibly slashable, but still. Cox/Ben. The world needs it. I need it.
...he shouldn't have died.
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Having said that, by all means, write some Cox/Ben stuff! The relationship intrigues me. But oh my god, don't tell me you're completely giving up on JD/Cox?!?
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I have absolutely no idea what the future of my Scrubsfic writing is! To be perfectly honest, I originally thought that My Problem was the only thing I'd ever write for it, and then My Explanation came out of nowhere, kicked me in the head and demanded to be written. Basically, whatever happens depends on my random inspiration. I'd really like to carry on writing for it, because it's just so much fun, and JD/Cox is more fun than Cox/Ben, which has much more potential to be depressing.
I've tried scribbling down some Cox/Ben scenes, but it's not really working, because I'm finding it impossible to write Cox in-character around Ben - he behaves in a very different way towards his close friend than he does towards his subordinates, and I really don't think I've got a handle on it yet. Argh.