Riona (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
rionaleonhart) wrote2012-03-17 07:28 am
rionaleonhart) wrote2012-03-17 07:28 am
Entry tags:
I Think I Got Every Claim Wrong.
Last night, courtesy of ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
valderys, I went to a Would I Lie to You? recording! On David Mitchell's team were Sanjeev Bhaskar and Richard Madeley; on Lee Mack's were Kate Humble and Miles Jupp. The host, of course, was Rob Brydon.
(I'm not sure whether I've ever mentioned this before, but prior to every Would I Lie to You? recording - every single one - Brydon claims that someone asked him on Twitter to demonstrate his 'small man in a box' voice at the show. Nobody's fooled, Brydon, you massive showoff.)
Here is my report! For anyone unfamiliar with the concept: Would I Lie to You? is a panel show in which a panellist on one team reads out a fact about themselves from a card, and the other team cross-examine them in order to determine whether the fact is true or false.
Out-of-Context Theatre, because I cannot remember the context for this at all:
Mack: Before the show, Rob wanked me off. Did you do that for David as well?
Brydon: I did.
Madeley claimed to have woken up one Christmas morning in the cupboard under the stairs, stark naked and clutching two empty fake snow cans. Apparently he'd drunkenly, nakedly covered the entire tree in fake snow.
Mack: How much had you had to drink?
Madeley: Oh, Christ knows.
Mack: (calls up to the ceiling) How much had he had to drink?
Humble: What happened when your family saw the tree in the morning?
Madeley: Well, the great thing about having children is you can blame them for things you've done.
He went on to tell how he blamed his son, Jack, for ruining the Christmas tree.
Humble: What did Jack do?
Madeley: He started to cry. Almost immediately.
Mack: How old was he at the time?
Madeley: Eight.
Mack: You said you didn't come clean for about a minute. That's a long time for your eight-year-old son to be crying about something he didn't do.
Madeley: But you don't know Jack! Have you seen We Need to Talk About Kevin?
Jupp thought a posh person wouldn't have a cupboard under the stairs; they would have converted it into a 'downstairs facility'.
Mitchell: Is that your idea of opulence? Every small space in the house must be equipped for immediate egestion? 'Obviously a rich person would want to shit in there.'
They went on to discuss how a cupboard under the stairs would actually be quite inconvenient for that purpose, because of the lack of space.
Mitchell, it transpired, had once been in a loo where there wasn't room to stand up; he had to sit down to have a piss.
Mitchell: And it was very odd. Women won't understand this, but... I sat down and instinctively tried to shit.
Mack asked Mitchell what he wore to bed. Mitchell refused to answer in case it came up in a future episode.
Mack: But you're not naked.
Mitchell: Not now, no. Only in the sense that you've mentally undressed me. Although I am naked from the waist down.
Mitchell: I've heard that some people drink the urine of people who've taken certain drugs, because that way it's safer. You get all the advantages of taking the drug with none of the downsides.
Humble: I think there's quite a lot of downside.
Mack: You've never washed your own car?
Jupp: Well, I've taken it through that thing with the spinning brushes, but...
Mack: Yeah, that's not the same thing. Putting a coin in a slot is not manual labour.
Mitchell: So, after you'd taken it through that thing with the spinning brushes that you can't remember the name of, even though the name essentially creates itself...
The programme has been moved to 8.30, before the watershed, and so panellists would occasionally say 'Eight thirty!' as a reminder when someone was coming out with unbroadcastable material.
Mitchell: When this series has finished, 'eight thirty' will be a euphemism for all sorts of things. People will be going into brothels and asking for an eight thirty.
Later:
Brydon: (reading from the autocue) My dry cleaner once lost one of my jackets. Beautiful, double-breasted thing... which was why I forgave her.
Mitchell: That's even earlier than eight thirty; that's 1976.
Humble claimed to take her hair down to London and scatter it for the pigeons to use in their nests whenever she had a haircut. She said she thought the pigeons preferred curly hair.
Madeley: Have you done a proper experiment? If you put my straight hair next to your curly hair, which would the pigeons go for?
Mack: Are you trying out chat-up lines? 'If you put my straight hair next to your curly hair...'
Humble claimed that she and the This Is My guest had dressed as a giraffe in order to photograph giraffes in Africa. Asked to re-enact this, she dragged everyone else into the pantomime.
Humble: (to Mitchell's team) Can you three stand up and be giraffes in the wild?
The re-enactment took some time.
Mitchell: Can I be a giraffe who sits down in a minute?
Jupp claimed that he and the This Is My guest were once paid to dress as gladiators and fight in a supermarket.
Brydon: Did you wear a skirt?
Jupp: Well, there was a sort of tunic...
Brydon: A skirt. You wore a skirt. A little leather miniskirt. I bet you borrowed it from your mother, didn't you? I bet you rather enjoyed it, didn't you? I bet you've got it on now under those trousers, haven't you?
Jupp: My mother does not wear a leather miniskirt.
Mack: She does when I see her.
Jupp: I find it impossible to envision a scenario in which my mother would even speak to you. Even if I introduced you to her, she wouldn't have a fucking reason to talk to you. You are what my mother and I would call 'fucking scum'.
Mitchell: What sorts of gladiators were you dressed as?
Jupp: Well, I was Hector, and...
Mitchell: Who's Hector?
Jupp: Er, in the Trojan War—
Mitchell: Hector, prince of Troy? Hector wasn't a gladiator.
I love that I didn't doubt for a moment that he knew who Hector was. I knew he was going to call Jupp out on the not-a-gladiator thing.
Mitchell: Why were you paid to fight as gladiators in this supermarket?
Jupp: We were advertising a range of foods.
Mitchell: What range of foods were you advertising?
Mack: Fresh lion meat.
Humble: Christians.
Mitchell: Do people really dress up in stupid costumes for advertising, or is that only in lies for this show?
Bhaskar: They really do. A friend of mine once had a fight with a Mr Man.
Mitchell: I think we're approaching this from two sides of the same logical inconsistency.
Mack: Still working on your catchphrases, David?
Mack claimed that he and the This Is My guest, despite being strangers to each other, were once forced to share a bed in a hotel because their room was double-booked.
Madeley: Did you wake up to find him staring at your face?
Mack was asked to demonstrate the position in which he had slept and did (fairly standard turned-away-from-bedmate sleeping position, really).
Madeley: I don't believe you'd stay in the one position all night.
Mack: If you're got eight hours, I can demonstrate them all.
Mitchell: Well, you can't help it if you turn over or, you know, playfully lick someone's ear in your sleep. These things happen; they don't mean anything.
Mack: It was late; all the rooms were full; I was on the Isle of Skye; what could I do? We had sex.
Mitchell: (reading from his card) 'I like pens.'
Mack: IT'S TRUE.
Mitchell: 'I like pens, and I like to know where my pens are. To this end, I have adopted a three-point pen policy.'
Mitchell: The first point is to be aware of where my pens are at all times. The second point is to be hyper-aware of any pens I might have lent out to someone. And the third point is, by any means necessary within a reasonable interpretation of the law, to purloin or otherwise acquire pens.
Mack: According to plot point two... plot point two?
Mitchell: From my thrilling novel, The Man Who Had Pens.
Mitchell: When someone asks if they can borrow one of my pens, what I want to say is 'NO! IT'S MY PEN AND YOU COULD FORGET TO GIVE IT BACK AND THEN AT SOME POINT IN THE FUTURE I WON'T HAVE A PEN.' But in my efforts to appear... 'normal' would be an exaggeration, but acceptable socially, what I do is say, 'Yes, of course you can borrow it,' and then obsess about it until the pen is back in my possession.
Humble: Do you write down where your pens are and who you've lent them to?
Mitchell: No, I don't. I feel the knowledge has to be instinctual.
Mack: What do you use them for, then?
Mitchell: Even I can recognise that it would be mad to obsess over having pens only so you can keep a record of where your pens are.
Mack: That pen you have there: is that yours, or does it belong to the BBC?
Mitchell: Prior to this evening, it was the BBC's pen; it is now mine.
Mack: Can I... can I borrow that pen you have there, David?
Mitchell: ...I'd rather you didn't.
Mack: Come on. (standing up) We can meet each other halfway. It'll be the first time we've made contact in five years.
Mitchell: ...all right. (stands up, crosses to the middle of the room)
Mack: Put down the pen!
(Mitchell sets the pen on the floor)
Mack: Step away from the pen!
(Mitchell steps back. Mack walks to the pen and picks it up)
Mitchell: You're going to destroy it.
Mack: I'm not going to destroy it.
Mitchell: (mutters, returning to his seat) He's going to destroy it.
Mack: (returns to his seat with Mitchell's pen) So, this was the BBC's pen, and now it's yours because you stole it, in accordance with point three. That's what you do. You're the pen stealer. Now that I have it, what are you going to do about it?
Mitchell: I will not fight you.
Mack: Will you do the opposite of that?
Mitchell: I will not fight you, and I will not penetrate you. And I will not allow myself to be penetrated by you.
Mack: You're so obsessed with pens, even when you say 'sex' it has to have 'pen' in it. You don't have to fight me, or... make love to me, but what are you going to do?
Mack: Okay, imagine I've taken your pen. Well, you don't need to imagine; I have. So I've got your pen, and I use it to... (mimes signing something) 'To David, love Lee...' kiss for you, David... and then I hand you the signed thing and... (sits back, tucks the pen inside his jacket). How are you now going to get that pen back?
Mitchell: Can I have my pen back, please?
Mack: No.
Mitchell: ...Well—
Mack: Stay in character!
Mitchell: Right. At some point, you do have to give a pen up as lost.
Mack: What, that's it? Some pen plan.
(Mack snaps Mitchell's pen in half. Gasps from the audience!)
Mack: I think it's fair to say that I've created drama here.
Mitchell: I knew you were going to break it. I hope this doesn't make me sound heartless, but the moment I laid it on the floor that pen was dead to me.
Mack: It's definitely true that he has a pen policy. When I met David, my first thought was 'this is a man with a policy for his pens'. The question is, is it a three-point pen policy?
Madeley claimed that his household had a 'bore jar'; anyone who said anything dull had to put a pound in.
Mack: What was the last thing you had to put money in for?
Madeley: I suggested we go on holiday to St David's.
Brydon: (glares)
Mack: Where's St David's?
Brydon: (still glaring) It's in Wales.
Madeley: Actually, I just said that to wind him up.
Brydon: Well, it didn't work, did it, because I'm completely relaxed, you tit.
Bhaskar claimed to have been approached to do a film with the tagline 'Hugh Grant is bhangra dancing for his life'. It just kept getting odder and odder.
Bhaskar: He wants to impress the parents of his Indian girlfriend, so he enters the World Bhangra Dancing Championship, which is held in Glasgow.
Bhaskar: There's a bomb at the competition.
Bhaskar: If he stops dancing, it'll go off.
Bhaskar: It's strapped between his legs.
In retakes, Mack kept fluffing his This Is My claim to the point where he just gave up.
Brydon: Lee Mack, what is John to you?
Mack: He's my dad.
Brydon: Lee Mack, how do you know John?
Mack: He's my mum.
Brydon: Lee Mack, what is John's relationship to you?
Mack: He's me.
I hope you enjoyed this writeup! I've no idea when it's going to be broadcast, I'm afraid; probably at some point in the autumn.
valderys, I went to a Would I Lie to You? recording! On David Mitchell's team were Sanjeev Bhaskar and Richard Madeley; on Lee Mack's were Kate Humble and Miles Jupp. The host, of course, was Rob Brydon.(I'm not sure whether I've ever mentioned this before, but prior to every Would I Lie to You? recording - every single one - Brydon claims that someone asked him on Twitter to demonstrate his 'small man in a box' voice at the show. Nobody's fooled, Brydon, you massive showoff.)
Here is my report! For anyone unfamiliar with the concept: Would I Lie to You? is a panel show in which a panellist on one team reads out a fact about themselves from a card, and the other team cross-examine them in order to determine whether the fact is true or false.
Out-of-Context Theatre, because I cannot remember the context for this at all:
Mack: Before the show, Rob wanked me off. Did you do that for David as well?
Brydon: I did.
Madeley claimed to have woken up one Christmas morning in the cupboard under the stairs, stark naked and clutching two empty fake snow cans. Apparently he'd drunkenly, nakedly covered the entire tree in fake snow.
Mack: How much had you had to drink?
Madeley: Oh, Christ knows.
Mack: (calls up to the ceiling) How much had he had to drink?
Humble: What happened when your family saw the tree in the morning?
Madeley: Well, the great thing about having children is you can blame them for things you've done.
He went on to tell how he blamed his son, Jack, for ruining the Christmas tree.
Humble: What did Jack do?
Madeley: He started to cry. Almost immediately.
Mack: How old was he at the time?
Madeley: Eight.
Mack: You said you didn't come clean for about a minute. That's a long time for your eight-year-old son to be crying about something he didn't do.
Madeley: But you don't know Jack! Have you seen We Need to Talk About Kevin?
Jupp thought a posh person wouldn't have a cupboard under the stairs; they would have converted it into a 'downstairs facility'.
Mitchell: Is that your idea of opulence? Every small space in the house must be equipped for immediate egestion? 'Obviously a rich person would want to shit in there.'
They went on to discuss how a cupboard under the stairs would actually be quite inconvenient for that purpose, because of the lack of space.
Mitchell, it transpired, had once been in a loo where there wasn't room to stand up; he had to sit down to have a piss.
Mitchell: And it was very odd. Women won't understand this, but... I sat down and instinctively tried to shit.
Mack asked Mitchell what he wore to bed. Mitchell refused to answer in case it came up in a future episode.
Mack: But you're not naked.
Mitchell: Not now, no. Only in the sense that you've mentally undressed me. Although I am naked from the waist down.
Mitchell: I've heard that some people drink the urine of people who've taken certain drugs, because that way it's safer. You get all the advantages of taking the drug with none of the downsides.
Humble: I think there's quite a lot of downside.
Mack: You've never washed your own car?
Jupp: Well, I've taken it through that thing with the spinning brushes, but...
Mack: Yeah, that's not the same thing. Putting a coin in a slot is not manual labour.
Mitchell: So, after you'd taken it through that thing with the spinning brushes that you can't remember the name of, even though the name essentially creates itself...
The programme has been moved to 8.30, before the watershed, and so panellists would occasionally say 'Eight thirty!' as a reminder when someone was coming out with unbroadcastable material.
Mitchell: When this series has finished, 'eight thirty' will be a euphemism for all sorts of things. People will be going into brothels and asking for an eight thirty.
Later:
Brydon: (reading from the autocue) My dry cleaner once lost one of my jackets. Beautiful, double-breasted thing... which was why I forgave her.
Mitchell: That's even earlier than eight thirty; that's 1976.
Humble claimed to take her hair down to London and scatter it for the pigeons to use in their nests whenever she had a haircut. She said she thought the pigeons preferred curly hair.
Madeley: Have you done a proper experiment? If you put my straight hair next to your curly hair, which would the pigeons go for?
Mack: Are you trying out chat-up lines? 'If you put my straight hair next to your curly hair...'
Humble claimed that she and the This Is My guest had dressed as a giraffe in order to photograph giraffes in Africa. Asked to re-enact this, she dragged everyone else into the pantomime.
Humble: (to Mitchell's team) Can you three stand up and be giraffes in the wild?
The re-enactment took some time.
Mitchell: Can I be a giraffe who sits down in a minute?
Jupp claimed that he and the This Is My guest were once paid to dress as gladiators and fight in a supermarket.
Brydon: Did you wear a skirt?
Jupp: Well, there was a sort of tunic...
Brydon: A skirt. You wore a skirt. A little leather miniskirt. I bet you borrowed it from your mother, didn't you? I bet you rather enjoyed it, didn't you? I bet you've got it on now under those trousers, haven't you?
Jupp: My mother does not wear a leather miniskirt.
Mack: She does when I see her.
Jupp: I find it impossible to envision a scenario in which my mother would even speak to you. Even if I introduced you to her, she wouldn't have a fucking reason to talk to you. You are what my mother and I would call 'fucking scum'.
Mitchell: What sorts of gladiators were you dressed as?
Jupp: Well, I was Hector, and...
Mitchell: Who's Hector?
Jupp: Er, in the Trojan War—
Mitchell: Hector, prince of Troy? Hector wasn't a gladiator.
I love that I didn't doubt for a moment that he knew who Hector was. I knew he was going to call Jupp out on the not-a-gladiator thing.
Mitchell: Why were you paid to fight as gladiators in this supermarket?
Jupp: We were advertising a range of foods.
Mitchell: What range of foods were you advertising?
Mack: Fresh lion meat.
Humble: Christians.
Mitchell: Do people really dress up in stupid costumes for advertising, or is that only in lies for this show?
Bhaskar: They really do. A friend of mine once had a fight with a Mr Man.
Mitchell: I think we're approaching this from two sides of the same logical inconsistency.
Mack: Still working on your catchphrases, David?
Mack claimed that he and the This Is My guest, despite being strangers to each other, were once forced to share a bed in a hotel because their room was double-booked.
Madeley: Did you wake up to find him staring at your face?
Mack was asked to demonstrate the position in which he had slept and did (fairly standard turned-away-from-bedmate sleeping position, really).
Madeley: I don't believe you'd stay in the one position all night.
Mack: If you're got eight hours, I can demonstrate them all.
Mitchell: Well, you can't help it if you turn over or, you know, playfully lick someone's ear in your sleep. These things happen; they don't mean anything.
Mack: It was late; all the rooms were full; I was on the Isle of Skye; what could I do? We had sex.
Mitchell: (reading from his card) 'I like pens.'
Mack: IT'S TRUE.
Mitchell: 'I like pens, and I like to know where my pens are. To this end, I have adopted a three-point pen policy.'
Mitchell: The first point is to be aware of where my pens are at all times. The second point is to be hyper-aware of any pens I might have lent out to someone. And the third point is, by any means necessary within a reasonable interpretation of the law, to purloin or otherwise acquire pens.
Mack: According to plot point two... plot point two?
Mitchell: From my thrilling novel, The Man Who Had Pens.
Mitchell: When someone asks if they can borrow one of my pens, what I want to say is 'NO! IT'S MY PEN AND YOU COULD FORGET TO GIVE IT BACK AND THEN AT SOME POINT IN THE FUTURE I WON'T HAVE A PEN.' But in my efforts to appear... 'normal' would be an exaggeration, but acceptable socially, what I do is say, 'Yes, of course you can borrow it,' and then obsess about it until the pen is back in my possession.
Humble: Do you write down where your pens are and who you've lent them to?
Mitchell: No, I don't. I feel the knowledge has to be instinctual.
Mack: What do you use them for, then?
Mitchell: Even I can recognise that it would be mad to obsess over having pens only so you can keep a record of where your pens are.
Mack: That pen you have there: is that yours, or does it belong to the BBC?
Mitchell: Prior to this evening, it was the BBC's pen; it is now mine.
Mack: Can I... can I borrow that pen you have there, David?
Mitchell: ...I'd rather you didn't.
Mack: Come on. (standing up) We can meet each other halfway. It'll be the first time we've made contact in five years.
Mitchell: ...all right. (stands up, crosses to the middle of the room)
Mack: Put down the pen!
(Mitchell sets the pen on the floor)
Mack: Step away from the pen!
(Mitchell steps back. Mack walks to the pen and picks it up)
Mitchell: You're going to destroy it.
Mack: I'm not going to destroy it.
Mitchell: (mutters, returning to his seat) He's going to destroy it.
Mack: (returns to his seat with Mitchell's pen) So, this was the BBC's pen, and now it's yours because you stole it, in accordance with point three. That's what you do. You're the pen stealer. Now that I have it, what are you going to do about it?
Mitchell: I will not fight you.
Mack: Will you do the opposite of that?
Mitchell: I will not fight you, and I will not penetrate you. And I will not allow myself to be penetrated by you.
Mack: You're so obsessed with pens, even when you say 'sex' it has to have 'pen' in it. You don't have to fight me, or... make love to me, but what are you going to do?
Mack: Okay, imagine I've taken your pen. Well, you don't need to imagine; I have. So I've got your pen, and I use it to... (mimes signing something) 'To David, love Lee...' kiss for you, David... and then I hand you the signed thing and... (sits back, tucks the pen inside his jacket). How are you now going to get that pen back?
Mitchell: Can I have my pen back, please?
Mack: No.
Mitchell: ...Well—
Mack: Stay in character!
Mitchell: Right. At some point, you do have to give a pen up as lost.
Mack: What, that's it? Some pen plan.
(Mack snaps Mitchell's pen in half. Gasps from the audience!)
Mack: I think it's fair to say that I've created drama here.
Mitchell: I knew you were going to break it. I hope this doesn't make me sound heartless, but the moment I laid it on the floor that pen was dead to me.
Mack: It's definitely true that he has a pen policy. When I met David, my first thought was 'this is a man with a policy for his pens'. The question is, is it a three-point pen policy?
Madeley claimed that his household had a 'bore jar'; anyone who said anything dull had to put a pound in.
Mack: What was the last thing you had to put money in for?
Madeley: I suggested we go on holiday to St David's.
Brydon: (glares)
Mack: Where's St David's?
Brydon: (still glaring) It's in Wales.
Madeley: Actually, I just said that to wind him up.
Brydon: Well, it didn't work, did it, because I'm completely relaxed, you tit.
Bhaskar claimed to have been approached to do a film with the tagline 'Hugh Grant is bhangra dancing for his life'. It just kept getting odder and odder.
Bhaskar: He wants to impress the parents of his Indian girlfriend, so he enters the World Bhangra Dancing Championship, which is held in Glasgow.
Bhaskar: There's a bomb at the competition.
Bhaskar: If he stops dancing, it'll go off.
Bhaskar: It's strapped between his legs.
In retakes, Mack kept fluffing his This Is My claim to the point where he just gave up.
Brydon: Lee Mack, what is John to you?
Mack: He's my dad.
Brydon: Lee Mack, how do you know John?
Mack: He's my mum.
Brydon: Lee Mack, what is John's relationship to you?
Mack: He's me.
I hope you enjoyed this writeup! I've no idea when it's going to be broadcast, I'm afraid; probably at some point in the autumn.
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Oh, man, I genuinely almost spit out my tea!
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LOL!
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Mitchell: That's even earlier than eight thirty; that's 1976.
<3 this.
Just ran across your recaps. I can't decide if I'm more delighted at these extra snippets or devastated to realize how much footage I'll never get to see. Either way, thanks for posting them. *subscribes*
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(Incidentally, I just had a poke around your journal, read Would I Lie to You (About a Thing Like This)? and really enjoyed it (the voices are so well captured), so thank you for that!)
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And so glad you enjoyed Would I Lie to You (About a Thing Like This)?. Thanks for the flattering comment re: the voices. It was really fun to write!
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Very good write up. My stomach muscles still hurt from the laughing!
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Oh no! I felt like that ruined QI a bit; hopefully it won't ruin WILTY? too much.
Thanks for the write-up, as ever :)
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Initially I read that as 'paid to dress as giraffes', which sounded... quite ambitious.
(Also the "I will not penetrate you" bit made me laugh really loudly. Sorry, neighbours.)
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(awww David and his pen policy, i might die)
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That recording was the best one so far, by the way!
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(I've just looked at your writeup, and I can't believe I forgot Mitchell's 'why don't you just fucking do it?' line! That was one of my favourite moments.)
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I think I would probably have gone down on him round about then and I really don't know what that says about me.
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I remember that sketch! :D
(I love Brydon's man trapped in a box voice.)
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