Riona (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
rionaleonhart) wrote2012-05-02 08:54 pm
rionaleonhart) wrote2012-05-02 08:54 pm
Entry tags:
A Leaf Fell And Landed In His Hand... Erotically.
Last So Wrong It's Right recording of the series yesterday! The guests for the first episode were Susan Calman, Richard Osman and Rob SOMETHING BEGINNING WITH B, I CANNOT REMEMBER, SORRY ROB SOMETHING (EDIT: Rob Beckett! Thank you, ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
ruthi! I'd noted him down as 'Rob Bennett' and only realised that was wrong when I got home); the guests for the second were Calman again, Shaun Pye and Miles Jupp. The host, of course, was Charlie Brooker; this is the second recording I've been to at which he has speculated on shagging himself via time travel. Here is my report!
Prior to the show:
Brooker: We need a sound test for the man who's about to speak out of this little box.
Box: Yes, that's right, Charlie, thanks.
Brooker: I'm glad that actually happened. I'd have looked like such a nutter otherwise.
Brooker: We got to a worrying point in the second series where I was signalling for applause with a sort of salute (does a Nazi salute). And I know it's not right, but I'm going to do it anyway because it gives me an almost pornographic thrill.
Rob was talking about how, when he was a toddler, he was too fat to wear socks - they cut off his circulation - and consequently had to wear jellies on his feet.
Rob: I've just realised I'm a very working-class person on Radio 4 and you all might have no idea what I'm talking about. Do you know what jellies are? Those shoes?
Audience: (general 'yes' response)
Brooker: COMMONERS! SCUM! Ooh, you don't often get to yell that at people. SCUM! ...sorry, I take it back.
Calman went to a school disco dressed in a terrible polka-dot outfit and danced extremely badly to 'Star Trekkin''.
Calman: And nobody kissed me until I was twenty-five.
Rob: You were there until you were twenty-five?
Osman: It's an extremely long song.
Brooker: When did 'Star Trekkin'' come out? Richard, you'll probably know this.
Osman: Yes, it was 1987.
(applause)
Brooker: (impressed) Really?
(Osman shrugs)
Brooker: (outraged) HE'S JUST MAKING IT UP! STOP APPLAUDING!
Brooker was appalled when a girl first put her tongue in his mouth during a kiss. 'I just couldn't believe people did that to each other. I couldn't have been more disgusted if she'd defecated.'
Brooker told an unpleasant story of going to a school disco, seeing the girl he fancied getting off with another bloke and consequently making out very ostentatiously with another girl, lying on top of her on the floor and pelvic thrusting. At some point he realised someone had previously vomited in their present location, reducing the friction between them and the floor, and his pelvic thrusting was propelling them in the direction of the girl he fancied.
Calman: Your pelvic thrusts must be quite something, if they can literally propel a woman across the floor.
Brooker: Well, everyone needs something to make up for their shortcomings. If velocity is mine, I'm happy.
In his early teenage years, Brooker had Daley Thompson's Decathlon for the ZX Spectrum and found that, during the races, if he clamped the joystick between his thighs while he was wiggling it about (he demonstrated)...
Brooker: If I did that, I'd do really well.
Osman: You'd come first?
Brooker's mother apparently saw him at this, quickly looked away and went 'Oh, I'm sorry!'
Brooker: And because in my head it was completely innocent, I just acted normally - 'Oh, hi, Mum, come in.'
Brooker: I always used to run from the cops when I was younger, because I had an irrational fear of small wooded areas.
Osman claimed to be a great fan of word-shortening and proposed a law that 'to speak proper would be totes illege'.
Osman: You can plead 'totes not guilts' or 'guilts'. And the longer the sentence the longer the sentence. I think that's fair.
Brooker hated the idea.
Brooker: There are reasons words are the lengths they are! For rhythm, aesthetics! And to distinguish them from other words! I mean, 'totes' means something different, doesn't it?
Osman: Oh, so you don't think any word should mean more than one thing?
Brooker: (obviously realising he's been caught out but stubbornly determined to stick to his guns regardless) No.
Osman: Do you mean 'no' as in 'no, I don't' or 'no' as in 'I know'?
Brooker: I sometimes think we should do away with words altogether and just make a sort of mooing noise (demonstrates). You could get through most conversations like that. That's basically what you're saying, isn't it?
Osman: Er, no. You've mistaken my saying 'words should be shorter' for 'people should moo everything'.
Calman - 'I've not done it!' - was talking about how easy it is to persuade people you're official if you've got a clipboard: you can knock on their door, say there's a gas leak and they'll obediently evacuate their house.
Brooker wants a programme in which a person holding a clipboard talks people into doing lethal things. 'I reckon society only has to degrade about another five per cent before that's acceptable.'
Osman doesn't like unnecessarily being given receipts. Brooker got quite worked up.
Brooker: Receipts are not a big problem! I'm going to record you whinging about receipts and play it to some person dying in a gutter in some third-world country. Your first-world problems - you disgust me.
Osman: With absolute respect, they will not speak English.
Calman hates it when men approach her and say 'Cheer up, love, it might never happen'.
Calman: And I want to say, oh, really? How do you know it hasn't happened? Do you know what's happened to me? Do you know what's happened in my life? Shall I tell you? The girlfriend I was living with cheated on me with my friend. That's 1996; we can start there.
Brooker: Do men really say this to you? I'm interested in what... we men do. As a - as a thing. I'm interested in what we things do when there aren't any other things around. (As he speaks, his expression becomes less and less 'do men really say this?' and more and more 'what am I talking about?')
Brooker: Who's the worst person to find out you're related to?
Rob: Your girlfriend. That's a joke that works for the entire panel.
(Calman nods happily)
Osman: To be honest, you're making quite an assumption about me there, Rob.
Brooker: What's the worst thing to say to the widow at a funeral?
Osman: Morning.
Prior to the second recording, Pye did a remarkable Brooker impression. Brooker cracked up. 'Do I really sound like that?' he asked, high-pitched and incredulous, before realising he was speaking in exactly Pye's tone.
He became quite selfconscious about his voice afterwards. 'I'm really aware now that I sound like your impression of me.'
Pye: I've got a friend - you know her, Charlie - who won't eat oranges because she won't put anything in her mouth that explodes.
Brooker: Sounds like a sensible policy.
Calman: That's why I'm the way I am.
Pye: Anything that explodes or anything encased in a sac.
(Calman gestures emphatically to herself)
Brooker: Is this the person who can't have sex without thinking the word 'innards'?
Pye told the story of how, when he was twenty-five and his sister was fifteen, he met her at the coach station and gave her a hug and tried to get her to come along with him and she was being weird and didn't really want to talk and then he realised that... on the other side of the station... there was another person... who looked a lot more like his sister...
The other panellists pointed out that 'I thought she was my sister' might have made things look even worse in front of a jury. Brooker leapt on this opportunity to indulge his intriguing obsession with having sex with himself.
Brooker: Is it a defence for molesting someone if you thought they were you? If they just looked really like you?
Shortly afterwards, he found a way to bring it up again. Calman was talking about how she wanted to sleep with someone else named Susan, getting to yell out 'Oh, Susan, you're the best!' It would be the ultimate form of masturbation, she said.
Brooker: Don't people normally call out their own name when they're masturbating anyway?
(Calman laughs so hard she falls off her chair)
Brooker: I've been wondering: if you went back in time and gave your thirteen-year-old self a handjob, would that be paedophilia or would it just be masturbation?
Pye: That's what you're using a time machine for? 'I could kill Hitler, but I think I'm going to wank myself off instead.'
Brooker: What if you kept going back to the same point until there were eight of you, and then you had a huge orgy with yourself? That would be the ultimate form of masturbation.
Later in the same round, Jupp made a reference to this. Brooker pointed out that there was no point making callbacks to it, as it was completely unbroadcastable.
Jupp: Well, I'm sorry, but we've had to indulge this obsession of yours... we've had to sit here and listen to you talk about how much you enjoy yourself, for seven or eight minutes, while the rest of the show was just forgotten. I didn't say anything because I was so embarrassed for you.
Calman, on how she'd like to respond to judgemental people on the 'quiet coach' of a train: 'You see this crisp? I'm going to eat this crisp. I'm not going to suck this crisp. I'm just going to stick this crisp in my face and watch you cry.'
It's the quiet coach, not the silent coach, she pointed out. Brooker started speculating on coaches for other noise levels. He wants a screaming coach, in which everyone is forced to scream whatever they have to say at the top of their voice.
Pye: I hate it when people invite you around for dinner and say 'we've made pasta'. No, you haven't. You've just boiled something for twelve minutes. That's not cooking.
Later:
Brooker: So, Miles, what do you hate about the modern world?
Jupp: People who think they're too good for pasta.
(applause)
Calman: Shaun, let me ask you: if I invited you around for dinner - and don't take this as an invitation - but if you came around for dinner and you found me naked on the table with an apple in my mouth and the food on my body, how would you react?
Pye: So long as some effort had gone into the food...
Brooker: (looking hard at Calman) I don't think you have a table.
(Calman cracks up)
Brooker: I think it speaks of a level of planning that's beyond you.
Calman: (almost sobbing) It's true.
Jupp is annoyed by umbrellas.
Brooker: All right, what would you replace umbrellas with, smartypants?
Jupp: Erm...
Brooker: You haven't thought this through.
Jupp: I have! I haven't just come on here, I'll have you know.
Brooker: Go on, then: what?
Jupp: Erm - erm - roofs?
Brooker: This round is supposed to be about modern annoyances, and you're going for umbrellas?
Jupp: I think they're still quite topical, aren't they? It's not like I'm going 'ooh, bloody mangles. It takes ages to get anything mangled.'
Calman tried to explain a 'Rainmate'.
Brooker: I think you've got a knack... I think you could explain anything and make it sound mental. You could explain scissors and I'd go 'That's mad! Why would anyone want to divide paper?'
Brooker: Is Rainmate a brand name? Do we have to mention other forms of protective rain gear? That... may or may not be your friends?
Brooker: Why am I saying ninety per cent unbroadcastable material? I might as well just be making noises.
I think this series of So Wrong It's Right is going to be broadcast on Radio 4 later this month, so keep an ear out for that! In the meantime: everyone knows the thoroughly excellent Would I Lie to You? is on BBC One on Fridays at the moment, right? Well, it is.
ruthi! I'd noted him down as 'Rob Bennett' and only realised that was wrong when I got home); the guests for the second were Calman again, Shaun Pye and Miles Jupp. The host, of course, was Charlie Brooker; this is the second recording I've been to at which he has speculated on shagging himself via time travel. Here is my report!Prior to the show:
Brooker: We need a sound test for the man who's about to speak out of this little box.
Box: Yes, that's right, Charlie, thanks.
Brooker: I'm glad that actually happened. I'd have looked like such a nutter otherwise.
Brooker: We got to a worrying point in the second series where I was signalling for applause with a sort of salute (does a Nazi salute). And I know it's not right, but I'm going to do it anyway because it gives me an almost pornographic thrill.
Rob was talking about how, when he was a toddler, he was too fat to wear socks - they cut off his circulation - and consequently had to wear jellies on his feet.
Rob: I've just realised I'm a very working-class person on Radio 4 and you all might have no idea what I'm talking about. Do you know what jellies are? Those shoes?
Audience: (general 'yes' response)
Brooker: COMMONERS! SCUM! Ooh, you don't often get to yell that at people. SCUM! ...sorry, I take it back.
Calman went to a school disco dressed in a terrible polka-dot outfit and danced extremely badly to 'Star Trekkin''.
Calman: And nobody kissed me until I was twenty-five.
Rob: You were there until you were twenty-five?
Osman: It's an extremely long song.
Brooker: When did 'Star Trekkin'' come out? Richard, you'll probably know this.
Osman: Yes, it was 1987.
(applause)
Brooker: (impressed) Really?
(Osman shrugs)
Brooker: (outraged) HE'S JUST MAKING IT UP! STOP APPLAUDING!
Brooker was appalled when a girl first put her tongue in his mouth during a kiss. 'I just couldn't believe people did that to each other. I couldn't have been more disgusted if she'd defecated.'
Brooker told an unpleasant story of going to a school disco, seeing the girl he fancied getting off with another bloke and consequently making out very ostentatiously with another girl, lying on top of her on the floor and pelvic thrusting. At some point he realised someone had previously vomited in their present location, reducing the friction between them and the floor, and his pelvic thrusting was propelling them in the direction of the girl he fancied.
Calman: Your pelvic thrusts must be quite something, if they can literally propel a woman across the floor.
Brooker: Well, everyone needs something to make up for their shortcomings. If velocity is mine, I'm happy.
In his early teenage years, Brooker had Daley Thompson's Decathlon for the ZX Spectrum and found that, during the races, if he clamped the joystick between his thighs while he was wiggling it about (he demonstrated)...
Brooker: If I did that, I'd do really well.
Osman: You'd come first?
Brooker's mother apparently saw him at this, quickly looked away and went 'Oh, I'm sorry!'
Brooker: And because in my head it was completely innocent, I just acted normally - 'Oh, hi, Mum, come in.'
Brooker: I always used to run from the cops when I was younger, because I had an irrational fear of small wooded areas.
Osman claimed to be a great fan of word-shortening and proposed a law that 'to speak proper would be totes illege'.
Osman: You can plead 'totes not guilts' or 'guilts'. And the longer the sentence the longer the sentence. I think that's fair.
Brooker hated the idea.
Brooker: There are reasons words are the lengths they are! For rhythm, aesthetics! And to distinguish them from other words! I mean, 'totes' means something different, doesn't it?
Osman: Oh, so you don't think any word should mean more than one thing?
Brooker: (obviously realising he's been caught out but stubbornly determined to stick to his guns regardless) No.
Osman: Do you mean 'no' as in 'no, I don't' or 'no' as in 'I know'?
Brooker: I sometimes think we should do away with words altogether and just make a sort of mooing noise (demonstrates). You could get through most conversations like that. That's basically what you're saying, isn't it?
Osman: Er, no. You've mistaken my saying 'words should be shorter' for 'people should moo everything'.
Calman - 'I've not done it!' - was talking about how easy it is to persuade people you're official if you've got a clipboard: you can knock on their door, say there's a gas leak and they'll obediently evacuate their house.
Brooker wants a programme in which a person holding a clipboard talks people into doing lethal things. 'I reckon society only has to degrade about another five per cent before that's acceptable.'
Osman doesn't like unnecessarily being given receipts. Brooker got quite worked up.
Brooker: Receipts are not a big problem! I'm going to record you whinging about receipts and play it to some person dying in a gutter in some third-world country. Your first-world problems - you disgust me.
Osman: With absolute respect, they will not speak English.
Calman hates it when men approach her and say 'Cheer up, love, it might never happen'.
Calman: And I want to say, oh, really? How do you know it hasn't happened? Do you know what's happened to me? Do you know what's happened in my life? Shall I tell you? The girlfriend I was living with cheated on me with my friend. That's 1996; we can start there.
Brooker: Do men really say this to you? I'm interested in what... we men do. As a - as a thing. I'm interested in what we things do when there aren't any other things around. (As he speaks, his expression becomes less and less 'do men really say this?' and more and more 'what am I talking about?')
Brooker: Who's the worst person to find out you're related to?
Rob: Your girlfriend. That's a joke that works for the entire panel.
(Calman nods happily)
Osman: To be honest, you're making quite an assumption about me there, Rob.
Brooker: What's the worst thing to say to the widow at a funeral?
Osman: Morning.
Prior to the second recording, Pye did a remarkable Brooker impression. Brooker cracked up. 'Do I really sound like that?' he asked, high-pitched and incredulous, before realising he was speaking in exactly Pye's tone.
He became quite selfconscious about his voice afterwards. 'I'm really aware now that I sound like your impression of me.'
Pye: I've got a friend - you know her, Charlie - who won't eat oranges because she won't put anything in her mouth that explodes.
Brooker: Sounds like a sensible policy.
Calman: That's why I'm the way I am.
Pye: Anything that explodes or anything encased in a sac.
(Calman gestures emphatically to herself)
Brooker: Is this the person who can't have sex without thinking the word 'innards'?
Pye told the story of how, when he was twenty-five and his sister was fifteen, he met her at the coach station and gave her a hug and tried to get her to come along with him and she was being weird and didn't really want to talk and then he realised that... on the other side of the station... there was another person... who looked a lot more like his sister...
The other panellists pointed out that 'I thought she was my sister' might have made things look even worse in front of a jury. Brooker leapt on this opportunity to indulge his intriguing obsession with having sex with himself.
Brooker: Is it a defence for molesting someone if you thought they were you? If they just looked really like you?
Shortly afterwards, he found a way to bring it up again. Calman was talking about how she wanted to sleep with someone else named Susan, getting to yell out 'Oh, Susan, you're the best!' It would be the ultimate form of masturbation, she said.
Brooker: Don't people normally call out their own name when they're masturbating anyway?
(Calman laughs so hard she falls off her chair)
Brooker: I've been wondering: if you went back in time and gave your thirteen-year-old self a handjob, would that be paedophilia or would it just be masturbation?
Pye: That's what you're using a time machine for? 'I could kill Hitler, but I think I'm going to wank myself off instead.'
Brooker: What if you kept going back to the same point until there were eight of you, and then you had a huge orgy with yourself? That would be the ultimate form of masturbation.
Later in the same round, Jupp made a reference to this. Brooker pointed out that there was no point making callbacks to it, as it was completely unbroadcastable.
Jupp: Well, I'm sorry, but we've had to indulge this obsession of yours... we've had to sit here and listen to you talk about how much you enjoy yourself, for seven or eight minutes, while the rest of the show was just forgotten. I didn't say anything because I was so embarrassed for you.
Calman, on how she'd like to respond to judgemental people on the 'quiet coach' of a train: 'You see this crisp? I'm going to eat this crisp. I'm not going to suck this crisp. I'm just going to stick this crisp in my face and watch you cry.'
It's the quiet coach, not the silent coach, she pointed out. Brooker started speculating on coaches for other noise levels. He wants a screaming coach, in which everyone is forced to scream whatever they have to say at the top of their voice.
Pye: I hate it when people invite you around for dinner and say 'we've made pasta'. No, you haven't. You've just boiled something for twelve minutes. That's not cooking.
Later:
Brooker: So, Miles, what do you hate about the modern world?
Jupp: People who think they're too good for pasta.
(applause)
Calman: Shaun, let me ask you: if I invited you around for dinner - and don't take this as an invitation - but if you came around for dinner and you found me naked on the table with an apple in my mouth and the food on my body, how would you react?
Pye: So long as some effort had gone into the food...
Brooker: (looking hard at Calman) I don't think you have a table.
(Calman cracks up)
Brooker: I think it speaks of a level of planning that's beyond you.
Calman: (almost sobbing) It's true.
Jupp is annoyed by umbrellas.
Brooker: All right, what would you replace umbrellas with, smartypants?
Jupp: Erm...
Brooker: You haven't thought this through.
Jupp: I have! I haven't just come on here, I'll have you know.
Brooker: Go on, then: what?
Jupp: Erm - erm - roofs?
Brooker: This round is supposed to be about modern annoyances, and you're going for umbrellas?
Jupp: I think they're still quite topical, aren't they? It's not like I'm going 'ooh, bloody mangles. It takes ages to get anything mangled.'
Calman tried to explain a 'Rainmate'.
Brooker: I think you've got a knack... I think you could explain anything and make it sound mental. You could explain scissors and I'd go 'That's mad! Why would anyone want to divide paper?'
Brooker: Is Rainmate a brand name? Do we have to mention other forms of protective rain gear? That... may or may not be your friends?
Brooker: Why am I saying ninety per cent unbroadcastable material? I might as well just be making noises.
I think this series of So Wrong It's Right is going to be broadcast on Radio 4 later this month, so keep an ear out for that! In the meantime: everyone knows the thoroughly excellent Would I Lie to You? is on BBC One on Fridays at the moment, right? Well, it is.