rionaleonhart: final fantasy versus xiii: a young woman at night, her back to you, the moon high above. (nor women neither)
Riona ([personal profile] rionaleonhart) wrote2017-08-03 09:22 am

And I Can't Bring You Back.

A month ago today, I was in the O2, watching Chester Bennington bound around the stage. The stage was incredibly far from our seats, the performers were tiny, but his voice filled the arena and he had so much energy. Linkin Park's music had been a part of my life since I was twelve or thirteen years old, but I'd never really taken notice of the people behind it before. I fell a little in love.

Two weeks ago today, we lost him forever.

I keep thinking I'm okay and then realising I'm not.

It's not about the music. I love Linkin Park's work, it's true, and I'm sad that I'll never see what he would have done next (or see him perform again), but he's left his voice behind on over a hundred songs; it's an incredible legacy. I rediscovered Linkin Park in February and have been listening primarily to their music since then - I've been listening to them almost exclusively over the last month - and I'm still not bored. He achieved the hell out of his potential. But by all accounts he was a kind, funny, loving, talented, good man, and I felt lucky to be alive at the same time as him. I just wish he could be here and happy.

The pain of knowing he's gone has eased a little, at least, but I can't stop worrying about the rest of the band. They gave me so much, and now they're in so much pain I can't bear to imagine it, and there's nothing at all I can do to help them.

In a way, it's probably for the best that he was the first member of the band to go, because he was so intensely loving, he felt things far too strongly, and losing one of the others would have killed him, whereas I think the others will be able to survive this. But it was still far, far too early.

I hope they're not blaming themselves. I hope they realise how much joy they brought to his life.

When Chester was still around, Rei and I joked that he was my boyfriend, but our relationship was complicated by the fact he didn't know he was my boyfriend. Now I feel that my friends are suffering, but I can't offer them any comfort because they don't know they're my friends.

Okay, I'm not allowed to be sad about Chester without also posting something silly or cute about him. That's the rule. Here is Chester going to great lengths to scare Mike. Also, here is a video of pigeons backed by Linkin Park music, which is hilarious to me and I don't know why.

(Be aware that there's a lot of discussion of losing people to suicide in the Dreamwidth comments.)

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