Riona (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
rionaleonhart) wrote2019-10-16 12:30 pm
rionaleonhart) wrote2019-10-16 12:30 pm
Entry tags:
Fanfiction: See Where You Belong (The Book of Mormon, Price/McKinley)
A detail about The Book of Mormon that I've found myself thinking about: Elder Price's hell dream dwells on his abandonment of his companion, and the fact he pinned his doughnut theft on his brother when he was five, suggesting he's committed no other sins by Mormon standards between then and now. Kevin Price has never masturbated.
I haven't read any explicit fanfiction for The Book of Mormon, but I hope it's all about Elder Price having no idea what he's doing and getting really frustrated because he's so used to being good at things.
During the Spooky Mormon Hell Dream sequence, when Elder McKinley showed up, I initially thought he and Elder Price were sharing the same dream. It later becomes clear that it's just Elder Price dreaming about Elder McKinley. That could be an interesting fic concept, though: Price and McKinley, meeting in their dreams about hell. Maybe sharing their dreams before Price actually goes to Uganda, where they meet for the first time and go '???? YOU'RE A REAL PERSON?'
...aaaaaand then I wrote it.
Title: See Where You Belong
Fandom: The Book of Mormon (musical)
Pairing: Elder Kevin Price/Elder McKinley
Rating: PG-13
Wordcount: 3,500
Summary: Elder Price and Elder McKinley first meet in their dreams of Hell.
Warnings: Internalised homophobia.
There’s another Mormon elder in Kevin’s dream of Hell.
Kevin dodges behind an outcrop of spiky black rocks, trying to hide from the demons shrieking you neglected your scripture studies for two days, and there the guy is. Tie, nametag, blood-spattered white shirt. On his knees and coughing up rusted nails.
“Are you okay?” Kevin asks without thinking. Shoot, he shouldn’t be drawing attention to himself. This guy’ll just be a demon in disguise, or another Hitler, or—
The only other humans Kevin has seen in this dream have been famous sinners, though; he’s known who they are, he’s known why they’re here. This guy isn’t from the missionary training centre. Who is he?
The guy jerks away, scrambles back, shielding his mouth with his hand.
“I’m not going to make you eat nails,” Kevin says. “I’m not a demon. I’m not—” Can he say I’m not a bad person? He’s dreaming of this place for a reason. “Well, I could be worse.”
“Who are you?” the guy asks, breathing hard.
It’s going to be a lot easier to answer that question when Kevin’s made his mark on the world. “Elder Kevin Price. I’m in training.” He stoops and offers a hand to help the guy up, glancing at his nametag. “You’re... Elder McKinley?”
“What is this?” Elder McKinley demands. Crossing his arms tightly over his chest, like he’s trying to shield himself.
“What do you mean?”
“I’ve been having this dream since fifth grade,” Elder McKinley says. “No one’s just tried to talk, no one’s tried to be nice. What are you trying to do? Who are you, really?”
“Hey, this isn’t your dream,” Kevin says. “This is my dream.”
He wakes as he’s saying it. Stares at the ceiling, breathing shallowly, trying to get his bearings.
He’s not in Hell. He’s at the training centre. He’s not in Hell.
He grabs the Book of Mormon next to his bed and dives straight into studying.
-
“It’s you again.”
The voice is surprised. Kevin, curled into himself and bleeding on the rocky ground, is in too much pain to look up and see who it is.
A hand on his shoulder. He tenses up. And then someone is rolling him onto his back, and he tries to brace for whatever comes next.
It isn’t a demon. It’s Elder McKinley, scorched and filthy and looking exhausted.
“You just disappeared last time,” Elder McKinley says. “What was it, three weeks ago?”
Kevin swallows a few times. Manages to speak. “I woke up.”
He guesses he’ll wake up from this as well, eventually. It’s just – it’s so hard, when he’s actually in the hell dream, to remind himself that it’s not forever.
One of the trainees in his dorm room was sent doughnuts from home yesterday, and he shared them around. Kevin knowingly ate more than his fair share. Doughnuts do nothing but lead people into temptation. They should be banned.
“You’re just a person, right?” Elder McKinley asks. “You’re not a demon.”
“That’s what...” Speaking hurts, and he clutches his side with a groan. “That’s, that’s what I was trying to tell you last time. I’m just – just another sinner, I guess.”
“Let me look at you,” Elder McKinley says, and then there are hands moving Kevin’s aside, hands tugging up the hem of his shirt, hesitant and anxious.
Elder McKinley inhales sharply at the sight of his wound. “Okay. It’s bad. Just – remember it’s not real, okay? We’ll wake up.”
“I’m trying,” Kevin mutters.
“Or... I’ll wake up, I guess,” Elder McKinley says, after a moment. “I guess you’re not real.” He pauses. “I shouldn’t. No, no, it’s fine, it’s for practical reasons. Hesitating, that means you’re reading in things you’re not meant to, that’s the sin.”
He tears a strip off the bottom of Kevin’s shirt.
“Hey,” Kevin protests. The shirt was pretty cut up already, but still.
“You’re not real,” Elder McKinley says, wadding the cloth up and holding it hard against the wound. He doesn’t really seem to be talking to Kevin any more. Kevin’s shivering so much it’s hard to tell, but he thinks Elder McKinley might be shaking too. “This is just, this is just another temptation, this is a test. I need to be stronger.”
“I’m real,” Kevin says. “I promise I’m the real one.” He pauses, breathing raggedly. The pressure helps; having someone nearby helps, even if they’re just a figment of his imagination. He reaches out to brush his fingers against Elder McKinley’s arm. “Thanks.”
“Turn it off,” Elder McKinley is muttering. “Turn it off, turn it off, turn it off.”
-
“I assume you know why you’re here,” Lucifer says.
“I don’t!” Kevin protests. “I didn’t do anything! I mean—” Will they think he’s denying his previous sins? “I mean, not yesterday. I always just came here the night after.”
He’s never been to the hell dream two nights in a row before. But here he is.
“Oh, I’m not talking to you,” Lucifer says.
Kevin looks over at Elder McKinley. He’s standing very straight and still, eyes cast down.
“Well?” Lucifer asks. “If you don’t say it, I will, and I’m gonna make it sound much more gross.”
Elder McKinley closes his eyes. “Onanism,” he says to the ground, very quietly.
Well, this is uncomfortable. Kevin looks away.
Two demons are puppeting around a replica of Kevin’s head on a stake nearby.
He decides maybe he’ll just look back at Elder McKinley instead.
“Like that’s all I’m making you admit to,” Lucifer says. “You’re missing out the best part.”
Elder McKinley looks up sharply. “I didn’t picture anything. I was careful. I didn’t picture anything.”
“True,” Lucifer says. “Weren’t picturing anything, nothing sparked it off. Tell me, why would a good Mormon boy masturbate if he wasn’t even turned on?”
Elder McKinley glances over at Kevin, catches his eye before Kevin has the chance to pretend he wasn’t watching. He looks terrified.
“Unless,” Lucifer says, “he wanted to come here. Unless he was hoping to see a cute boy in his hell dreams that night.”
Kevin and Elder McKinley just stare at each other for a moment.
A cute boy? What? Is Lucifer talking about himself?
And then Elder McKinley runs, and it suddenly clicks in Kevin’s head.
Oh.
“Oh, yes,” Lucifer says. “Running in the hell dream. Because that always works out so well.”
He snaps his fingers, and two winged demons swoop down to grab Elder McKinley, carry him back. They hold him in front of Lucifer as he struggles, keeping him in mid-air with claws in his arms and teeth in his shoulders, their tails wound tightly around his legs.
Kevin can only watch.
“No,” Elder McKinley says, desperately, “no, Elder Price, I swear I wasn’t—”
“Swearing falsely?” Lucifer asks. “In the hell dream? We’ll have to send you down to the hell dream’s hell dream, and I promise there are no cute boys there.”
Elder McKinley came here on purpose? To see Kevin?
There’s no way.
No, he isn’t real. Elder McKinley isn’t an actual person; he’s just part of the hell dream, he only exists in Kevin’s mind. He represents... something. Kevin’s a little afraid of what that might be. But he’s not a person, he’s not an actual person Kevin somehow tempted down here by being – being cute.
The demons drop Elder McKinley. He hits the ground hard, with a gasp of pain. Struggles to his knees.
“Anyway,” Lucifer says, “Kev here actually wasn’t sinning yesterday, but he got sent to the hell dream anyway. Want to guess why?”
“I knew it!” Kevin exclaims. “I knew it wasn’t fair, I knew it—”
Lucifer reaches out and strokes Elder McKinley’s face with the tip of one oversized claw. “We just couldn’t bear to disappoint you.”
What?
“What?” Elder McKinley asks, his voice wavering.
“Well, you got yourself sent to Hell just to see this guy, right?” Lucifer asks, sweeping a hand toward Kevin; Kevin takes a shaking step back. “Be a heck of a waste if he wasn’t here tonight.”
It seems weird that the devil says heck.
Also: what? Elder McKinley brought him here?
“Elder Price,” Elder McKinley says, looking desperately over at him, “I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to—”
-
Kevin wakes up.
What?
Elder McKinley wanted to see him? So much that he willingly went into that spooky hell dream, and dragged Kevin with him? Because—
He closes his eyes tightly. No. Elder McKinley is just a guy he made up in his head.
A guy he made up and then... gave a crush on him.
Is that bad? It doesn’t feel like it can be good.
-
“Did you sin yesterday?” Elder McKinley asks. “Please tell me you sinned.”
They’re strapped to identical racks, next to each other. Kevin can’t move his head to look at Elder McKinley, but they can speak to each other, at least.
“I cheated at Scrabble,” Kevin admits. He didn’t mean to. But he misspelled a word, and none of the other trainees called him on it, and he didn’t realise until he’d already won.
He guesses he could have confessed, apologised, passed the title of victor on to Elder Green. Maybe that could have been enough to keep him from coming back down here.
He guesses he’s just that competitive.
He hears Elder McKinley sigh. “Thank the Lord for that.”
Kevin frowns. “Thank the Lord that I’m strapped up here, having my toenails pulled out?”
“No!” Elder McKinley exclaims. “No, of course not. Just – I’d feel bad if I were the reason you were here again. I’ve been trying really hard not to hope to see you.”
It makes Kevin feel strange, the thought that Elder McKinley wanted to see him, the thought that it’s such a struggle for him to fight against it. It’s a little scary. But it makes him feel good about himself, too.
“So it’s a coincidence?” Kevin asks. “Us being here at the same time?”
“I’m here most nights,” Elder McKinley says. “If you’re here, there’s like an eighty percent chance you’ll see me. I’d probably have been here last time even if I hadn’t done it on purpose.”
“Oh,” Kevin says. “You... do a lot of sinning?”
“Uh, mostly sinful thoughts.”
He could ask. He’s tempted to ask. But maybe that’ll just put the thoughts in his head as well.
Kevin pauses. “I guess—”
The demons choose that moment to yank out another two nails, and Kevin bites down on his own tongue, hard, to distract himself from the pain.
“Elder Price?” Elder McKinley asks, alarmed.
When Kevin’s able to speak again, he can feel the indentation his teeth have left in his tongue. “I guess it’s good to know there’ll probably be a friendly face around, the nights I end up here.”
“Yeah,” Elder McKinley says. “Ye—” There’s a sharp inhale of pain, and his voice is less steady when he speaks again. “Yeah, it’s better when you’re around, too.”
-
“Elder Price!”
The voice as they enter the Ugandan mission’s living quarters is breathless and familiar, and it jolts Kevin out of his dark thoughts about the fix he’s found himself in. “Who—”
An instant later, someone’s slammed into him in a hug, and for a change it’s not Elder Cunningham.
“You’re real,” Elder McKinley says, pulling back to look at him. Touching his arms, touching his face. “I heard one of the new recruits was an Elder Price, of course I hoped – but, you know, I didn’t think it could really be you, and now—”
No. No, no, no.
It’s Elder McKinley.
And Kevin isn’t asleep.
Which means he must actually be in Hell.
He jerks back, looking sharply around. It explains everything, it’s why he’s in this pit instead of Orlando. He never confessed, he never told his parents he was the one who ate the doughnut, he’s missed his chance now, he should have known this would happen—
“Sorry!” Elder McKinley jumps back as well. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to touch you, I wasn’t thinking.”
“How did I die?” Kevin asks, his voice twisted up with tears.
For a moment, everyone is completely silent.
“Hi!” Elder Cunningham says. “Hi, I’m here as well.”
-
Elder Cunningham spends hours with Kevin, talking him back to solid ground, while the other elders bring them Pop-Tarts and cups of tea. By the time night’s fallen, Kevin’s pretty sure this is real.
But how can the district leader here be a guy Kevin’s been seeing in his dreams for months? And it’s not just that he’s misremembering the face and name of the person in his dreams; Elder McKinley recognised Kevin as well.
They’ve been having the same dream? Is that possible?
Rule 23 dictates that they can’t leave the living quarters after nine in the evening. Kevin slips outside for a few minutes while Elder Cunningham is in the shower. Enough to send him into the hell dream without getting him too badly tortured, hopefully.
-
When the demons have finished dunking him in lava – “like a doughnut,” they cheerfully point out – they leave Kevin alone for a moment. He stumbles unsteadily away from the lava stream, looking around for Elder McKinley.
“Hey.” Elder McKinley catches him, supporting him, helping him find his feet.
“Thanks.” Kevin grips his arm. “I’m glad you’re here. I thought we should talk.”
Elder McKinley lets go and steps back, pulling his arm out of Kevin’s hold, suddenly formal. Tucks his hands firmly behind his back. “Sure.”
Kevin doesn’t really know where to start. “You’re real.”
“So are you,” Elder McKinley says. “Which means you’re an actual person I dragged into the hell dream. I’m really sorry.”
“Hey,” Kevin says. “You didn’t know it would happen.”
“I knew it would happen this time,” Elder McKinley says. “I just – I needed to see you here again, I needed to remind myself it was real.”
Kevin blinks. “You tried to hope me in here?”
“Sorry,” Elder McKinley says.
“It’s fine,” Kevin says. “I came here myself. I guess I needed to see you, too.”
Kind of ridiculous, that they both tried to meet up in Hell when they’re staying in the same building. They’ll be seeing each other in the flesh tomorrow morning, in the marginally better location of Uganda. But here they are, dreaming of each other again, knowing they’re both real.
“What did you do?” Elder McKinley asks.
Kevin hesitates. “I went outside after curfew.”
Elder McKinley looks alarmed. “You’re not sleeping out there, are you? It’s not safe.”
“I’m fine,” Kevin assures him. “I’m with Elder Cunningham, I’m indoors.” Some part of him is aware of Elder Cunningham’s snoring, although it might just be the sound of the demons drilling through Saddam Hussein’s skull nearby. “What brought you here?”
Elder McKinley shrugs uncomfortably. “Oh, the usual.”
The usual. Sinful thoughts, he said before. It’s been bothering Kevin, now that he knows Elder McKinley is a real person.
“I don’t think it’s right that your ‘sinful thoughts’ put you in the spooky hell dream,” Kevin says. “They’re just gay thoughts, right?”
Elder McKinley flinches.
“I was taught that having gay thoughts is okay, so long as you don’t act on them,” Kevin says.
“But they send me to the hell dream,” Elder McKinley says. “Pretty much every night. So they have to be wrong, right?”
Kevin shakes his head. “Then why don’t—” He stumbles on the word, but he picks himself up again. “Why don’t mine?”
Elder McKinley stares at him.
“You were into me, right?” Kevin asks. “I wasn’t just going to forget about that. I thought about it. I – I pictured things, I guess. I don’t know. But I didn’t end up here.” He shrugs. “Maybe the hell dream isn’t about what’s actually wrong. Maybe it’s just what we feel guilty about.”
“You can’t say that,” Elder McKinley says, a little frantically. “You can’t say things like that, you have to be a good straight boy, you can’t just make things seem possible like that. I’m trying so hard not to have these thoughts. You’re going to ruin it.”
“Elder McKinley,” Kevin says, “I don’t mean any offence, but you already said you’re here pretty much every night, so I’m not sure you can just turn them off like that.”
“I want—” He’s almost in tears. “I want so many things I shouldn’t, and I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be making you the subject of my, my, my impure desires—”
“I don’t mind,” Kevin says. The leg of his pants is on fire and his shin is in screaming agony, but this conversation feels more important right now. “It’s flattering.”
He’s always enjoyed being flattered. He guesses that doesn’t change, even when it’s a kind of flattery he probably shouldn’t be enjoying.
“I wouldn’t try anything,” Elder McKinley says. “Just so you know. I couldn’t, anyway; I mean, our companions are with us all the time, and—”
“They aren’t with us all the time,” Kevin says.
Elder McKinley breaks off. “What?”
Kevin takes a moment to beat out the fire in his pants. Is he saying this?
“They aren’t with us now,” Kevin says. “We’re alone when we’re in Hell.”
“We’re not alone,” Elder McKinley says. “Hitler’s watching.”
Kevin glances over at Hitler. Back at Elder McKinley. “Well, he’s not going to report us to the church leaders.”
Elder McKinley shakes his head.
“Dreams are just thoughts,” Kevin says. He takes a step toward Elder McKinley, his heart beating high in his chest. Nervous, excited. “They’re not acting on anything, they’re not real.”
“You’re real,” Elder McKinley says. “I’m real. I think that means this is real.”
-
Kevin can’t look Elder McKinley in the eye the next morning. What are you supposed to do after a guy turns you down in your shared dream?
-
“I thought I’d find you here,” Elder McKinley says.
“The feather boa is new,” Kevin says. “And the, uh, the sequins.”
Elder McKinley looks down at himself. “You know, all the years I’ve been coming here, I’ve never been dressed like this. I think it’s your subconscious that’s responsible.”
“I’m sorry,” Kevin says. “I’m sorry I ran away. I couldn’t take it. At least I wake up from the hell dreams. I just kept waiting to wake up from Uganda.”
“Having company helps, right?” Elder McKinley asks. “In the dream. I know it’s easier for me the nights you’re here, at least.”
It doesn’t seem right that his own sinning could bring comfort to somebody else, but somehow it’s still good to hear that. “Yeah. Yeah, it’s good to have you here.”
“Well, I’m in Uganda, too,” Elder McKinley says. “And so is your companion. So are all of us. We look after each other.” He holds out a hand. “Come back to us. You’re here, so I know you don’t feel good about leaving.”
Kevin hesitates for a moment. He thinks about Orlando. He thinks about that village, and how little hope there seemed to be there.
He thinks about Elder McKinley, and Elder Cunningham, and how hard everyone is working.
He reaches out to take Elder McKinley’s hand.
-
Kevin wakes up.
He’s on the floor. He – where is he?
Is there someone sleeping in his arms?
He’s surrounded by anxious elders. And he and Elder McKinley are just waking up, on the floor, clinging to each other.
What?
“What happened?” he asks.
“It looks like you passed out at the bus station,” Elder Davis says.
“With – with Elder McKinley?” Kevin asks.
Elder McKinley finally seems to wake up properly. He scrambles frantically out of Kevin’s arms and to his feet. Kevin sits up, feeling slightly bereft.
“Uh.” Elder Thomas glances over at Elder McKinley. “Elder McKinley said he needed to talk to you. And then he... he lay down and went to sleep.”
Elder McKinley shrugs, looking embarrassed. “We couldn’t wake you up.”
-
As they’re heading back to the living quarters, Kevin tugs Elder McKinley back by the arm to walk with him, behind the other elders. Elder McKinley tenses up at the touch, as he always does.
“Thanks,” Kevin says, quietly. “I needed you to bring me back.” He pauses. “I’ve always tried to do things on my own. I guess it’s kind of embarrassing to admit I needed help this time.”
“We’re not meant to do things on our own,” Elder McKinley says. “Why do you think we have companions? Everyone needs help.”
“Anyway,” Kevin says, “thank you.” He tugs Elder McKinley around to face him and kisses him. Just briefly, just on the corner of the mouth.
Elder McKinley goes very, very still. “Don’t do this to me.”
“I’m sorry,” Kevin says, quickly. “I just – I’m still trying to sort some things out in my head. I was hoping we could talk more tonight. You know, without our companions.”
Elder McKinley looks at him for a moment.
“You think that’ll be enough?” he asks. “You said thoughts weren’t enough to give you the dreams. That was barely a kiss.”
And then Elder McKinley’s kissing him, hard. Kevin’s never been kissed on the mouth before; this is really happening, they’re not even dreaming, this is real. He clings to Elder McKinley’s arms, trying to stay upright. He’s so dizzy he thinks he might pass out and fall straight back into the dream again.
Elder McKinley pulls away at last, breathless, and smiles. “I’ll see you in Hell.”
I haven't read any explicit fanfiction for The Book of Mormon, but I hope it's all about Elder Price having no idea what he's doing and getting really frustrated because he's so used to being good at things.
During the Spooky Mormon Hell Dream sequence, when Elder McKinley showed up, I initially thought he and Elder Price were sharing the same dream. It later becomes clear that it's just Elder Price dreaming about Elder McKinley. That could be an interesting fic concept, though: Price and McKinley, meeting in their dreams about hell. Maybe sharing their dreams before Price actually goes to Uganda, where they meet for the first time and go '???? YOU'RE A REAL PERSON?'
...aaaaaand then I wrote it.
Title: See Where You Belong
Fandom: The Book of Mormon (musical)
Pairing: Elder Kevin Price/Elder McKinley
Rating: PG-13
Wordcount: 3,500
Summary: Elder Price and Elder McKinley first meet in their dreams of Hell.
Warnings: Internalised homophobia.
There’s another Mormon elder in Kevin’s dream of Hell.
Kevin dodges behind an outcrop of spiky black rocks, trying to hide from the demons shrieking you neglected your scripture studies for two days, and there the guy is. Tie, nametag, blood-spattered white shirt. On his knees and coughing up rusted nails.
“Are you okay?” Kevin asks without thinking. Shoot, he shouldn’t be drawing attention to himself. This guy’ll just be a demon in disguise, or another Hitler, or—
The only other humans Kevin has seen in this dream have been famous sinners, though; he’s known who they are, he’s known why they’re here. This guy isn’t from the missionary training centre. Who is he?
The guy jerks away, scrambles back, shielding his mouth with his hand.
“I’m not going to make you eat nails,” Kevin says. “I’m not a demon. I’m not—” Can he say I’m not a bad person? He’s dreaming of this place for a reason. “Well, I could be worse.”
“Who are you?” the guy asks, breathing hard.
It’s going to be a lot easier to answer that question when Kevin’s made his mark on the world. “Elder Kevin Price. I’m in training.” He stoops and offers a hand to help the guy up, glancing at his nametag. “You’re... Elder McKinley?”
“What is this?” Elder McKinley demands. Crossing his arms tightly over his chest, like he’s trying to shield himself.
“What do you mean?”
“I’ve been having this dream since fifth grade,” Elder McKinley says. “No one’s just tried to talk, no one’s tried to be nice. What are you trying to do? Who are you, really?”
“Hey, this isn’t your dream,” Kevin says. “This is my dream.”
He wakes as he’s saying it. Stares at the ceiling, breathing shallowly, trying to get his bearings.
He’s not in Hell. He’s at the training centre. He’s not in Hell.
He grabs the Book of Mormon next to his bed and dives straight into studying.
“It’s you again.”
The voice is surprised. Kevin, curled into himself and bleeding on the rocky ground, is in too much pain to look up and see who it is.
A hand on his shoulder. He tenses up. And then someone is rolling him onto his back, and he tries to brace for whatever comes next.
It isn’t a demon. It’s Elder McKinley, scorched and filthy and looking exhausted.
“You just disappeared last time,” Elder McKinley says. “What was it, three weeks ago?”
Kevin swallows a few times. Manages to speak. “I woke up.”
He guesses he’ll wake up from this as well, eventually. It’s just – it’s so hard, when he’s actually in the hell dream, to remind himself that it’s not forever.
One of the trainees in his dorm room was sent doughnuts from home yesterday, and he shared them around. Kevin knowingly ate more than his fair share. Doughnuts do nothing but lead people into temptation. They should be banned.
“You’re just a person, right?” Elder McKinley asks. “You’re not a demon.”
“That’s what...” Speaking hurts, and he clutches his side with a groan. “That’s, that’s what I was trying to tell you last time. I’m just – just another sinner, I guess.”
“Let me look at you,” Elder McKinley says, and then there are hands moving Kevin’s aside, hands tugging up the hem of his shirt, hesitant and anxious.
Elder McKinley inhales sharply at the sight of his wound. “Okay. It’s bad. Just – remember it’s not real, okay? We’ll wake up.”
“I’m trying,” Kevin mutters.
“Or... I’ll wake up, I guess,” Elder McKinley says, after a moment. “I guess you’re not real.” He pauses. “I shouldn’t. No, no, it’s fine, it’s for practical reasons. Hesitating, that means you’re reading in things you’re not meant to, that’s the sin.”
He tears a strip off the bottom of Kevin’s shirt.
“Hey,” Kevin protests. The shirt was pretty cut up already, but still.
“You’re not real,” Elder McKinley says, wadding the cloth up and holding it hard against the wound. He doesn’t really seem to be talking to Kevin any more. Kevin’s shivering so much it’s hard to tell, but he thinks Elder McKinley might be shaking too. “This is just, this is just another temptation, this is a test. I need to be stronger.”
“I’m real,” Kevin says. “I promise I’m the real one.” He pauses, breathing raggedly. The pressure helps; having someone nearby helps, even if they’re just a figment of his imagination. He reaches out to brush his fingers against Elder McKinley’s arm. “Thanks.”
“Turn it off,” Elder McKinley is muttering. “Turn it off, turn it off, turn it off.”
“I assume you know why you’re here,” Lucifer says.
“I don’t!” Kevin protests. “I didn’t do anything! I mean—” Will they think he’s denying his previous sins? “I mean, not yesterday. I always just came here the night after.”
He’s never been to the hell dream two nights in a row before. But here he is.
“Oh, I’m not talking to you,” Lucifer says.
Kevin looks over at Elder McKinley. He’s standing very straight and still, eyes cast down.
“Well?” Lucifer asks. “If you don’t say it, I will, and I’m gonna make it sound much more gross.”
Elder McKinley closes his eyes. “Onanism,” he says to the ground, very quietly.
Well, this is uncomfortable. Kevin looks away.
Two demons are puppeting around a replica of Kevin’s head on a stake nearby.
He decides maybe he’ll just look back at Elder McKinley instead.
“Like that’s all I’m making you admit to,” Lucifer says. “You’re missing out the best part.”
Elder McKinley looks up sharply. “I didn’t picture anything. I was careful. I didn’t picture anything.”
“True,” Lucifer says. “Weren’t picturing anything, nothing sparked it off. Tell me, why would a good Mormon boy masturbate if he wasn’t even turned on?”
Elder McKinley glances over at Kevin, catches his eye before Kevin has the chance to pretend he wasn’t watching. He looks terrified.
“Unless,” Lucifer says, “he wanted to come here. Unless he was hoping to see a cute boy in his hell dreams that night.”
Kevin and Elder McKinley just stare at each other for a moment.
A cute boy? What? Is Lucifer talking about himself?
And then Elder McKinley runs, and it suddenly clicks in Kevin’s head.
Oh.
“Oh, yes,” Lucifer says. “Running in the hell dream. Because that always works out so well.”
He snaps his fingers, and two winged demons swoop down to grab Elder McKinley, carry him back. They hold him in front of Lucifer as he struggles, keeping him in mid-air with claws in his arms and teeth in his shoulders, their tails wound tightly around his legs.
Kevin can only watch.
“No,” Elder McKinley says, desperately, “no, Elder Price, I swear I wasn’t—”
“Swearing falsely?” Lucifer asks. “In the hell dream? We’ll have to send you down to the hell dream’s hell dream, and I promise there are no cute boys there.”
Elder McKinley came here on purpose? To see Kevin?
There’s no way.
No, he isn’t real. Elder McKinley isn’t an actual person; he’s just part of the hell dream, he only exists in Kevin’s mind. He represents... something. Kevin’s a little afraid of what that might be. But he’s not a person, he’s not an actual person Kevin somehow tempted down here by being – being cute.
The demons drop Elder McKinley. He hits the ground hard, with a gasp of pain. Struggles to his knees.
“Anyway,” Lucifer says, “Kev here actually wasn’t sinning yesterday, but he got sent to the hell dream anyway. Want to guess why?”
“I knew it!” Kevin exclaims. “I knew it wasn’t fair, I knew it—”
Lucifer reaches out and strokes Elder McKinley’s face with the tip of one oversized claw. “We just couldn’t bear to disappoint you.”
What?
“What?” Elder McKinley asks, his voice wavering.
“Well, you got yourself sent to Hell just to see this guy, right?” Lucifer asks, sweeping a hand toward Kevin; Kevin takes a shaking step back. “Be a heck of a waste if he wasn’t here tonight.”
It seems weird that the devil says heck.
Also: what? Elder McKinley brought him here?
“Elder Price,” Elder McKinley says, looking desperately over at him, “I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to—”
Kevin wakes up.
What?
Elder McKinley wanted to see him? So much that he willingly went into that spooky hell dream, and dragged Kevin with him? Because—
He closes his eyes tightly. No. Elder McKinley is just a guy he made up in his head.
A guy he made up and then... gave a crush on him.
Is that bad? It doesn’t feel like it can be good.
“Did you sin yesterday?” Elder McKinley asks. “Please tell me you sinned.”
They’re strapped to identical racks, next to each other. Kevin can’t move his head to look at Elder McKinley, but they can speak to each other, at least.
“I cheated at Scrabble,” Kevin admits. He didn’t mean to. But he misspelled a word, and none of the other trainees called him on it, and he didn’t realise until he’d already won.
He guesses he could have confessed, apologised, passed the title of victor on to Elder Green. Maybe that could have been enough to keep him from coming back down here.
He guesses he’s just that competitive.
He hears Elder McKinley sigh. “Thank the Lord for that.”
Kevin frowns. “Thank the Lord that I’m strapped up here, having my toenails pulled out?”
“No!” Elder McKinley exclaims. “No, of course not. Just – I’d feel bad if I were the reason you were here again. I’ve been trying really hard not to hope to see you.”
It makes Kevin feel strange, the thought that Elder McKinley wanted to see him, the thought that it’s such a struggle for him to fight against it. It’s a little scary. But it makes him feel good about himself, too.
“So it’s a coincidence?” Kevin asks. “Us being here at the same time?”
“I’m here most nights,” Elder McKinley says. “If you’re here, there’s like an eighty percent chance you’ll see me. I’d probably have been here last time even if I hadn’t done it on purpose.”
“Oh,” Kevin says. “You... do a lot of sinning?”
“Uh, mostly sinful thoughts.”
He could ask. He’s tempted to ask. But maybe that’ll just put the thoughts in his head as well.
Kevin pauses. “I guess—”
The demons choose that moment to yank out another two nails, and Kevin bites down on his own tongue, hard, to distract himself from the pain.
“Elder Price?” Elder McKinley asks, alarmed.
When Kevin’s able to speak again, he can feel the indentation his teeth have left in his tongue. “I guess it’s good to know there’ll probably be a friendly face around, the nights I end up here.”
“Yeah,” Elder McKinley says. “Ye—” There’s a sharp inhale of pain, and his voice is less steady when he speaks again. “Yeah, it’s better when you’re around, too.”
“Elder Price!”
The voice as they enter the Ugandan mission’s living quarters is breathless and familiar, and it jolts Kevin out of his dark thoughts about the fix he’s found himself in. “Who—”
An instant later, someone’s slammed into him in a hug, and for a change it’s not Elder Cunningham.
“You’re real,” Elder McKinley says, pulling back to look at him. Touching his arms, touching his face. “I heard one of the new recruits was an Elder Price, of course I hoped – but, you know, I didn’t think it could really be you, and now—”
No. No, no, no.
It’s Elder McKinley.
And Kevin isn’t asleep.
Which means he must actually be in Hell.
He jerks back, looking sharply around. It explains everything, it’s why he’s in this pit instead of Orlando. He never confessed, he never told his parents he was the one who ate the doughnut, he’s missed his chance now, he should have known this would happen—
“Sorry!” Elder McKinley jumps back as well. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to touch you, I wasn’t thinking.”
“How did I die?” Kevin asks, his voice twisted up with tears.
For a moment, everyone is completely silent.
“Hi!” Elder Cunningham says. “Hi, I’m here as well.”
Elder Cunningham spends hours with Kevin, talking him back to solid ground, while the other elders bring them Pop-Tarts and cups of tea. By the time night’s fallen, Kevin’s pretty sure this is real.
But how can the district leader here be a guy Kevin’s been seeing in his dreams for months? And it’s not just that he’s misremembering the face and name of the person in his dreams; Elder McKinley recognised Kevin as well.
They’ve been having the same dream? Is that possible?
Rule 23 dictates that they can’t leave the living quarters after nine in the evening. Kevin slips outside for a few minutes while Elder Cunningham is in the shower. Enough to send him into the hell dream without getting him too badly tortured, hopefully.
When the demons have finished dunking him in lava – “like a doughnut,” they cheerfully point out – they leave Kevin alone for a moment. He stumbles unsteadily away from the lava stream, looking around for Elder McKinley.
“Hey.” Elder McKinley catches him, supporting him, helping him find his feet.
“Thanks.” Kevin grips his arm. “I’m glad you’re here. I thought we should talk.”
Elder McKinley lets go and steps back, pulling his arm out of Kevin’s hold, suddenly formal. Tucks his hands firmly behind his back. “Sure.”
Kevin doesn’t really know where to start. “You’re real.”
“So are you,” Elder McKinley says. “Which means you’re an actual person I dragged into the hell dream. I’m really sorry.”
“Hey,” Kevin says. “You didn’t know it would happen.”
“I knew it would happen this time,” Elder McKinley says. “I just – I needed to see you here again, I needed to remind myself it was real.”
Kevin blinks. “You tried to hope me in here?”
“Sorry,” Elder McKinley says.
“It’s fine,” Kevin says. “I came here myself. I guess I needed to see you, too.”
Kind of ridiculous, that they both tried to meet up in Hell when they’re staying in the same building. They’ll be seeing each other in the flesh tomorrow morning, in the marginally better location of Uganda. But here they are, dreaming of each other again, knowing they’re both real.
“What did you do?” Elder McKinley asks.
Kevin hesitates. “I went outside after curfew.”
Elder McKinley looks alarmed. “You’re not sleeping out there, are you? It’s not safe.”
“I’m fine,” Kevin assures him. “I’m with Elder Cunningham, I’m indoors.” Some part of him is aware of Elder Cunningham’s snoring, although it might just be the sound of the demons drilling through Saddam Hussein’s skull nearby. “What brought you here?”
Elder McKinley shrugs uncomfortably. “Oh, the usual.”
The usual. Sinful thoughts, he said before. It’s been bothering Kevin, now that he knows Elder McKinley is a real person.
“I don’t think it’s right that your ‘sinful thoughts’ put you in the spooky hell dream,” Kevin says. “They’re just gay thoughts, right?”
Elder McKinley flinches.
“I was taught that having gay thoughts is okay, so long as you don’t act on them,” Kevin says.
“But they send me to the hell dream,” Elder McKinley says. “Pretty much every night. So they have to be wrong, right?”
Kevin shakes his head. “Then why don’t—” He stumbles on the word, but he picks himself up again. “Why don’t mine?”
Elder McKinley stares at him.
“You were into me, right?” Kevin asks. “I wasn’t just going to forget about that. I thought about it. I – I pictured things, I guess. I don’t know. But I didn’t end up here.” He shrugs. “Maybe the hell dream isn’t about what’s actually wrong. Maybe it’s just what we feel guilty about.”
“You can’t say that,” Elder McKinley says, a little frantically. “You can’t say things like that, you have to be a good straight boy, you can’t just make things seem possible like that. I’m trying so hard not to have these thoughts. You’re going to ruin it.”
“Elder McKinley,” Kevin says, “I don’t mean any offence, but you already said you’re here pretty much every night, so I’m not sure you can just turn them off like that.”
“I want—” He’s almost in tears. “I want so many things I shouldn’t, and I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be making you the subject of my, my, my impure desires—”
“I don’t mind,” Kevin says. The leg of his pants is on fire and his shin is in screaming agony, but this conversation feels more important right now. “It’s flattering.”
He’s always enjoyed being flattered. He guesses that doesn’t change, even when it’s a kind of flattery he probably shouldn’t be enjoying.
“I wouldn’t try anything,” Elder McKinley says. “Just so you know. I couldn’t, anyway; I mean, our companions are with us all the time, and—”
“They aren’t with us all the time,” Kevin says.
Elder McKinley breaks off. “What?”
Kevin takes a moment to beat out the fire in his pants. Is he saying this?
“They aren’t with us now,” Kevin says. “We’re alone when we’re in Hell.”
“We’re not alone,” Elder McKinley says. “Hitler’s watching.”
Kevin glances over at Hitler. Back at Elder McKinley. “Well, he’s not going to report us to the church leaders.”
Elder McKinley shakes his head.
“Dreams are just thoughts,” Kevin says. He takes a step toward Elder McKinley, his heart beating high in his chest. Nervous, excited. “They’re not acting on anything, they’re not real.”
“You’re real,” Elder McKinley says. “I’m real. I think that means this is real.”
Kevin can’t look Elder McKinley in the eye the next morning. What are you supposed to do after a guy turns you down in your shared dream?
“I thought I’d find you here,” Elder McKinley says.
“The feather boa is new,” Kevin says. “And the, uh, the sequins.”
Elder McKinley looks down at himself. “You know, all the years I’ve been coming here, I’ve never been dressed like this. I think it’s your subconscious that’s responsible.”
“I’m sorry,” Kevin says. “I’m sorry I ran away. I couldn’t take it. At least I wake up from the hell dreams. I just kept waiting to wake up from Uganda.”
“Having company helps, right?” Elder McKinley asks. “In the dream. I know it’s easier for me the nights you’re here, at least.”
It doesn’t seem right that his own sinning could bring comfort to somebody else, but somehow it’s still good to hear that. “Yeah. Yeah, it’s good to have you here.”
“Well, I’m in Uganda, too,” Elder McKinley says. “And so is your companion. So are all of us. We look after each other.” He holds out a hand. “Come back to us. You’re here, so I know you don’t feel good about leaving.”
Kevin hesitates for a moment. He thinks about Orlando. He thinks about that village, and how little hope there seemed to be there.
He thinks about Elder McKinley, and Elder Cunningham, and how hard everyone is working.
He reaches out to take Elder McKinley’s hand.
Kevin wakes up.
He’s on the floor. He – where is he?
Is there someone sleeping in his arms?
He’s surrounded by anxious elders. And he and Elder McKinley are just waking up, on the floor, clinging to each other.
What?
“What happened?” he asks.
“It looks like you passed out at the bus station,” Elder Davis says.
“With – with Elder McKinley?” Kevin asks.
Elder McKinley finally seems to wake up properly. He scrambles frantically out of Kevin’s arms and to his feet. Kevin sits up, feeling slightly bereft.
“Uh.” Elder Thomas glances over at Elder McKinley. “Elder McKinley said he needed to talk to you. And then he... he lay down and went to sleep.”
Elder McKinley shrugs, looking embarrassed. “We couldn’t wake you up.”
As they’re heading back to the living quarters, Kevin tugs Elder McKinley back by the arm to walk with him, behind the other elders. Elder McKinley tenses up at the touch, as he always does.
“Thanks,” Kevin says, quietly. “I needed you to bring me back.” He pauses. “I’ve always tried to do things on my own. I guess it’s kind of embarrassing to admit I needed help this time.”
“We’re not meant to do things on our own,” Elder McKinley says. “Why do you think we have companions? Everyone needs help.”
“Anyway,” Kevin says, “thank you.” He tugs Elder McKinley around to face him and kisses him. Just briefly, just on the corner of the mouth.
Elder McKinley goes very, very still. “Don’t do this to me.”
“I’m sorry,” Kevin says, quickly. “I just – I’m still trying to sort some things out in my head. I was hoping we could talk more tonight. You know, without our companions.”
Elder McKinley looks at him for a moment.
“You think that’ll be enough?” he asks. “You said thoughts weren’t enough to give you the dreams. That was barely a kiss.”
And then Elder McKinley’s kissing him, hard. Kevin’s never been kissed on the mouth before; this is really happening, they’re not even dreaming, this is real. He clings to Elder McKinley’s arms, trying to stay upright. He’s so dizzy he thinks he might pass out and fall straight back into the dream again.
Elder McKinley pulls away at last, breathless, and smiles. “I’ll see you in Hell.”
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Already you're breaking my heart. No fifth grader can possibly deserve dreams of rusty nails, Elder McKinley!
Oh no, Kevin, I didn't sign up to have feelings about you too! Even if you are weirdly sweet to McKinley whenever you're in the hell dream together!
See, there's the asshole Kevin I was expecting from your first entry. People live here, Kevin.
Oh no, he's being brave! So he can try to reassure McKinley some more! This is terrible!
As much as it pains me to say this, I agree with McKinley on this point.
But you can kiss boys in real life, Elder McKinley, it's really okay!As you do, I guess.
Okay, the tactical sins were already amazing, but this is orders of magnitude more so. I had to kiss you! So I'll go to hell tonight! So we can be alone! It's like a sandwich where the subtext is also the surface text, with just a thin layer of rationalization in between them.
I love how much Kevin's sexuality comes across as "someone thinks I'm cute! me! they do!" Is McKinley cute himself?
Yes, he suffers very appealinglyWe just don't know! But he sure thinks Kevin is, and that seems to be answer enough!no subject
I love how much Kevin's sexuality comes across as "someone thinks I'm cute! me! they do!" Is McKinley cute himself?
Yes, he suffers very appealinglyWe just don't know! But he sure thinks Kevin is, and that seems to be answer enough!I'm delighted by how neatly this captures Kevin. Someone's looking at him! It's all he's ever wanted! In part I avoided describing McKinley because the fact that it's a stage production means the characters don't really have concrete canonical appearances (the McKinley I saw is blond, so I get slightly jarred whenever I see him described as a redhead in fanfiction), but I'm very pleased that it's contributed to the impression that Kevin's sexuality is 'someone's paying attention to me!!', because that's exactly it.
I also love 'Yes, he suffers very appealingly'; he really does. I was very pleased by how much scope the canonical 'all the Mormon missionaries have been haunted by dreams of Hell' detail offered for suffering. In the musical, McKinley's response to Kevin waking up and going 'actually, I'm not going to abandon my mission after all' is 'you had the hell dream, didn't you? ...was I in it?' (He did and he was.)
If you're curious, here are the songs from this musical that I think most sum each of these boys up. Obviously there's no obligation to check these out; I'm just dropping the links here in case!
Kevin: 'You and Me (But Mostly Me)'. He's passionate and dedicated and encouraging; he really does mean well! But he's also wildly egotistic and spends the whole song going 'but I'm the important one, right? we're clear on that, right??' (One of my favourite lines of his from a later song: 'Heavenly Father, why do you let bad things happen? More to the point, why do you let bad things happen to me?')
McKinley: 'Turn It Off' (other characters are sharing their own issues from the 1m mark to 2m10s - this gets pretty dark and you can skip it if you're just interested in McKinley). Extremely gay, extremely guilt-ridden, extremely repressed. (Also featuring Kevin going 'but you're okay, just having thoughts is fine' and McKinley going 'NO.')
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Oh, that makes sense! As well as meshing beautifully with Kevin's unique self.
That's amazing. I now approve of this pairing even more than I did after reading your fic!
I'm especially struck by the animator's choice to have his eyes brim over with tears when God is nice to him. Kevin's terrible to... is that Elder Cunningham? ...but I feel like he's genuinely touched at receiving attention; he doesn't seem to have the self-assurance to take it for granted.
Oh wow, that's incredible. I did not see that counterargument coming, but it makes the most painful kind of sense?
Meanwhile, for better or worse, I've now gone back and watched the "Spooky Mormon Hell Dream" animatic as well. I can't say I disapprove of the desperation in Kevin's voice on "Jesus, I'm sorry!"
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