rionaleonhart | Blood, Sweat And Tears. Manly Tears.

Still thinking about what a Final Fantasy VIII remake could be like. We'll never see it. The VII remake isn't even finished yet. But I can still dream of walking through Balamb Garden.

In Final Fantasy VII Remake, I've just left the Honey Bee Inn. Wall Market has been an experience.

Madam M is an excellent new character. Intelligent, confident and absolutely unprepared to tolerate bullshit. I loved her letting her refined air drop and bursting into a torrent of swearing.

I chose the standard massage, in which Madam M gives Cloud's hand a rough but helpful massage. Then, out of terrible curiosity, I reloaded and tried the luxury massage, in which Madam M touches Cloud's hand until he comes.

This sounds like a joke. I swear it is absolutely true. She started the massage, and he winced, and she asked if it hurt, and he said, 'No.' That alone was more sexual than I tend to expect in a Final Fantasy game; Cloud was explicitly turned on! And then she kept massaging his hand until he came. It was deeply, deeply weird.

I mean, I suppose the original did have the scene where Cloud participates in group sex with a bunch of burly men in the bath. Maybe I should be less surprised.

I don't know what happens if you choose the cheap massage. I assume she breaks your arm.

HELL HOUSE. I'm so pleased that you still get to fight a cottage in this remake!

I wonder how many different lines of commentary there are; the commentators reacted to several specific actions I took in that fight!

Andrea watches in fascination. Every character in this game still wants to bang Cloud.

And I suppose one of them sort of succeeded. I keep thinking back to that massage scene and being bewildered afresh.

I had to do a couple of fighting missions solo while Aerith was having her dress fitted, and I failed both of them several times. I've sort of got the hang of fighting when I've got multiple characters to control, but I'm a disaster when I'm asked to fight alone.

Cloud's so thrown when he sees Aerith in the dress! I love how awkward and useless he is, desperately trying to project a cool, unruffled image.

The wildly homoerotic dance/dressup sequence was magical. I love that Cloud was clearly getting into it as it progressed. I love that Andrea dipped him and there was a moment where it very much looked like they were about to kiss.

My housemates joined me to watch that sequence. 'Why is everyone dressed as a sexy bee?' Ginger asked. 'Was this place built by someone who watched Bee Movie and had a sexual awakening?'

Speaking of sexual awakenings, Aerith definitely had one when she saw Cloud in drag.

Aerith said 'well, at least you tried' post-dance (which I thought was harsh; I only made five slipups!), but Andrea still declared he was in love with me. I'm half-tempted to reload my save and see if I can do better. If I do well enough, maybe Cloud and Andrea will get married and the entire rest of the game will be derailed.

I'm glad this remake hasn't forgotten just how weird the original game was.

Threaded | Top-Level Comments Only

This sounds like a joke. I swear it is absolutely true. She started the massage, and he winced, and she asked if it hurt, and he said, 'No.' That alone was more sexual than I tend to expect in a Final Fantasy game; Cloud was explicitly turned on! And then she kept massaging his hand until he came. It was deeply, deeply weird.

Wait, what?

I mean, I suppose the original did have the scene where Cloud participates in group sex with a bunch of burly men in the bath. Maybe I should be less surprised.

WHAT?

Speaking of sexual awakenings, Aerith definitely had one when she saw Cloud in drag.

Wow, this game does not sound like what I pictured.

Aerith said 'well, at least you tried' post-dance (which I thought was harsh; I only made five slipups!), but Andrea still declared he was in love with me. I'm half-tempted to reload my save and see if I can do better. If I do well enough, maybe Cloud and Andrea will get married and the entire rest of the game will be derailed.

That sounds unlikely, but amazing.

LOOK I SWEAR I DIDN'T DREAM THIS. I mean, I definitely feel a bit like I dreamt it, but the sexy hand massage is on YouTube, so either it actually was in this game or someone's recording my dreams.

The homoerotic dance/drag sequence is also on YouTube, if you're curious.

There's absolutely no obligation to watch either of these clips; I'm just putting them here as evidence, because I realise a lot of this entry sounds fairly difficult to believe.

Edited (missed a word!) 2020-04-17 11:58 (UTC)

That is absolutely amazing! I don't know what I was picturing with these games, but...this is very different!

And that is an incredible way to get someone's earring!

I'm afraid I've got to screen your comment because, not having finished the game, I'm not sure whether what you say you've osmosed is a spoiler, and, if it is, I don't want people who've only played as far as I have to see it here in the comments! But, yes, this remake is very different from the original, and it'd be interesting to see what a VIII remake would change.

I don't know what happens if you choose the cheap massage. I assume she breaks your arm.

Go to Youtube and watch it. It's hilarious, xD

If I do well enough, maybe Cloud and Andrea will get married and the entire rest of the game will be derailed.

I have been shipping them since the trailer (Cloud little gasp when Andrea declares him perfection was perfect), and the Honey Bee scene didn't disappoint. I love how much fun Cloud was having during the dance, :3

Speaking of sexual awakenings, Aerith definitely had one when she saw Cloud in drag.

Ooh, yes, she discovered a whole new world in that moment. Which dress did you get? I got one with a dark corset that looked amazing.

Then, out of terrible curiosity, I reloaded and tried the luxury massage, in which Madam M touches Cloud's hand until he comes.

I have been following your posts about this with great interest and a whole lot of nothing to say, but this is just... incredible. How does this remake exist? I know it does, I clicked both your links in the comments, but just. How!

I got the wildly elaborate light purple dress! I wasn't really a fan of it, but apparently Don Corneo was.

I have been shipping them since the trailer (Cloud little gasp when Andrea declares him perfection was perfect)

Yes! Cloud's slightly parted lips as Andrea holds him in his arms!

I've now watched the cheap massage, and I enjoyed how much pain Cloud was in. (Sorry, Cloud.)

I played through that scene myself and I'm still not sure whether it was real.

Wall Market may well now be my favorite part of this remake. I love what they did with the whole sequence.

And no, I do not miss the hot tub gang rape scene. Poor Cloud.

It's a pretty great sequence! You can really feel that the remake is having fun with it.

Wall Market is hands down the best part of the game for me. It's so much fun! I could only afford the standard massage when I first played through so I had to wait until my second playthrough to see the luxury massage and... yeah. Wow.

So yeah, I also appreciate how deeply weird the remake is, haha.

I was really curious about what the Wall Market section would be like, and I was delighted that it was such a blast. Even if Wall Market itself is absolutely hellish to navigate.

I mean, I suppose the original did have the scene where Cloud participates in group sex with a bunch of burly men in the bath. Maybe I should be less surprised.

I was thinking how impressively female-gaze-y it was for them to show us Cloud getting all hot and bothered over a hand message.

Also, I'm doing a speed replay of the original game because the ending of the remake made me go ?!?!?!!?! so much, and the last time I played this game I understood that something sexual was happening in the 'Group Room', it's only this time around that I made the connection that 'ohhh, this is the room you pick if you want to get gang-banged'. A lot of people's headcanons about Cloud suddenly make more sense to me.

I don't know what happens if you choose the cheap massage. I assume she breaks your arm.

~~Cloud probably still comes~~

This made me laugh out loud.

The wildly homoerotic dance/dressup sequence was magical. I love that Cloud was clearly getting into it as it progressed.

Yes THEY DID SUCH A GOOD JOB WITH THIS, Cloud CANNOT HELP HIMSELF but get into this ridiculous dance

Speaking of sexual awakenings, Aerith definitely had one when she saw Cloud in drag.

YES that was MAGICAL, I am SO PLEASED that while she still finds the humour in the whole thing, Aerith's first reaction to seeing Cloud in drag is starry eyes. And all her interactions with Tifa made me so happy.

I was thinking how impressively female-gaze-y it was for them to show us Cloud getting all hot and bothered over a hand message.

True! I had similar thoughts at the fact that every character in the game flirts with Cloud, regardless of gender.

The Group Room got wilder every time I replayed Final Fantasy VII. On my last playthrough,

th_esaurus watched me play through that bit and absolutely couldn't believe it. 'This is the incredibly famous, influential game that everyone says is the best RPG ever made?? What is happening???'

Cloud probably still comes

PFFT, absolutely

Blood, Sweat And Tears. Manly Tears.

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