Blood, Sweat And Tears. Manly Tears.

[rionaleonhart]

Still thinking about what a Final Fantasy VIII remake could be like. We'll never see it. The VII remake isn't even finished yet. But I can still dream of walking through Balamb Garden.

In Final Fantasy VII Remake, I've just left the Honey Bee Inn. Wall Market has been an experience.



Madam M is an excellent new character. Intelligent, confident and absolutely unprepared to tolerate bullshit. I loved her letting her refined air drop and bursting into a torrent of swearing.

I chose the standard massage, in which Madam M gives Cloud's hand a rough but helpful massage. Then, out of terrible curiosity, I reloaded and tried the luxury massage, in which Madam M touches Cloud's hand until he comes.

This sounds like a joke. I swear it is absolutely true. She started the massage, and he winced, and she asked if it hurt, and he said, 'No.' That alone was more sexual than I tend to expect in a Final Fantasy game; Cloud was explicitly turned on! And then she kept massaging his hand until he came. It was deeply, deeply weird.

I mean, I suppose the original did have the scene where Cloud participates in group sex with a bunch of burly men in the bath. Maybe I should be less surprised.

I don't know what happens if you choose the cheap massage. I assume she breaks your arm.

HELL HOUSE. I'm so pleased that you still get to fight a cottage in this remake!

I wonder how many different lines of commentary there are; the commentators reacted to several specific actions I took in that fight!

Andrea watches in fascination. Every character in this game still wants to bang Cloud.

And I suppose one of them sort of succeeded. I keep thinking back to that massage scene and being bewildered afresh.

I had to do a couple of fighting missions solo while Aerith was having her dress fitted, and I failed both of them several times. I've sort of got the hang of fighting when I've got multiple characters to control, but I'm a disaster when I'm asked to fight alone.

Cloud's so thrown when he sees Aerith in the dress! I love how awkward and useless he is, desperately trying to project a cool, unruffled image.

The wildly homoerotic dance/dressup sequence was magical. I love that Cloud was clearly getting into it as it progressed. I love that Andrea dipped him and there was a moment where it very much looked like they were about to kiss.

My housemates joined me to watch that sequence. 'Why is everyone dressed as a sexy bee?' Ginger asked. 'Was this place built by someone who watched Bee Movie and had a sexual awakening?'

Speaking of sexual awakenings, Aerith definitely had one when she saw Cloud in drag.

Aerith said 'well, at least you tried' post-dance (which I thought was harsh; I only made five slipups!), but Andrea still declared he was in love with me. I'm half-tempted to reload my save and see if I can do better. If I do well enough, maybe Cloud and Andrea will get married and the entire rest of the game will be derailed.



I'm glad this remake hasn't forgotten just how weird the original game was.

Comments

[wolfy_writing]

This sounds like a joke. I swear it is absolutely true. She started the massage, and he winced, and she asked if it hurt, and he said, 'No.' That alone was more sexual than I tend to expect in a Final Fantasy game; Cloud was explicitly turned on! And then she kept massaging his hand until he came. It was deeply, deeply weird.

Wait, what?

I mean, I suppose the original did have the scene where Cloud participates in group sex with a bunch of burly men in the bath. Maybe I should be less surprised.

WHAT?

Speaking of sexual awakenings, Aerith definitely had one when she saw Cloud in drag.

Wow, this game does not sound like what I pictured.

Aerith said 'well, at least you tried' post-dance (which I thought was harsh; I only made five slipups!), but Andrea still declared he was in love with me. I'm half-tempted to reload my save and see if I can do better. If I do well enough, maybe Cloud and Andrea will get married and the entire rest of the game will be derailed.

That sounds unlikely, but amazing.

[rionaleonhart]

LOOK I SWEAR I DIDN'T DREAM THIS. I mean, I definitely feel a bit like I dreamt it, but the sexy hand massage is on YouTube, so either it actually was in this game or someone's recording my dreams.

The homoerotic dance/drag sequence is also on YouTube, if you're curious.

There's absolutely no obligation to watch either of these clips; I'm just putting them here as evidence, because I realise a lot of this entry sounds fairly difficult to believe.

[wolfy_writing]

That is absolutely amazing! I don't know what I was picturing with these games, but...this is very different!

And that is an incredible way to get someone's earring!