Unless, Of Course, I Am Wrong.

[rionaleonhart]

Sometimes, I worry 'what if the impossible happens?' and become very distressed when I can't work out a way of fixing it. I have actually thought 'what if Jeremy Clarkson and I swap bodies for some reason and we can't find a way to change back? What if he doesn't want to change back? OH MY GOD, WHAT WILL I DO WHEN THAT HAPPENS?'

Yes, Riona, I am sure that your inability to work out how to reverse an inexplicable bodyswap will have terrible consequences in the future.

I'd like to have some sort of content in this entry, but I don't really have anything to say. Apart from 'er, please tell me I'm not the only person who thought that Charles and Sir were totally a couple in Lemony Snicket's The Penultimate Peril?', but I'm a bit afraid of saying that in case everyone says 'Yes, Riona, you are the only person who thought that. Take your slash-addled brain and stay far away from children's books, please.'

Comments

[rionaleonhart]

It's fine! Everyone has Things to Do, and I admire that you're responsible enough to actually do them.

Hot Clarkson-loving! Ahahaha!

whose horrible grin was now too horrible for description.

Oh, it is so Clarkson. And I love that Richard is actually considering it!

managing to make this sound like the most innuendo-laden statement yet.

Oh, well, it would be. Gayest Victorians ever.

[newbie1990.livejournal.com]

Er, I wouldn't say that I'm responsible; it's more that I'm forced to do them.

Hee, Holmes/Watson!

"Clarkson, you do realise we're trying to find the gang of little highwaymen that robbed poor Harriet, not trying to stalk Richard?"

"Shut up, May, he might hear us."

"I can hear you, Jeremy; half the village can hear you. We're supposed to be keeping quiet, because in case you'd all forgotten, we still happen to be kidnappers."

"You know," said May slowly, "we should probably work on some sort of explanation for all this kidnapping business."

"Well," said Clarkson, "we could always stick with my version; that she forced her way into the car because she loves me."

"Jeremy, no-one who is actually in their right mind is going to believe that, and as I don't think that the entire police force is insane, we may have to come up with a more convincing explanation."

"Well, we could say she forced her way into the car to meet me," said Hammond, his smile returning.

"Richard, if you're going to be unhelpful, I'm going to say things that he can turn into innuendo."

He stopped smiling instantly. "Harriet, do you have any ideas that would convince your family?"

Harriet frowned. "Erm, well, I've never really... wait a second, isn't that Harry?"

And so it was Harry, emerging from a yellowstone sweet shop carrying an enormous toffee ice-cream that seemed to be overbalancing slightly on the cone. He was laughing and joking with Hermione and Ron, who carried similarly huge ice-creams which were strawberry and chocolate respectively.

May frowned. "There's a possibility that's your money they're eating."

Clarkson rubbed his hands together. "Is there going to be a fight?" He grinned unpleasantly. "Because I make love, not war." He frowned. "Actually, scratch that. I don't make love. I - "

"Unless it's shutting up, no-one cares what you do!" snapped Hammond.

Clarkon's grin was nearly as wide as he was tall. "I think there might very well be a fight," he said. "Come on, lads! And you, former-lad. And the dog."

It occurred to Clarkson that if the Trio were the Famous Five, only with no dog and no George, they were actually the Famous Five, and this meant Hammond was of course George. He was about to voice this thought when it occurred to him that a few minutes ago he had been a girl, and so therefore he might be the George of the group; and so for once, he didn't say exactly what was on his mind. And so instead, he snapped, "Well come on, what are we waiting for? Let's go and kick some wizard arse!"

[rionaleonhart]

I love the way May phrases "There's a possibility that's your money they're eating."

Hee, half the village can hear Clarkson! And he doesn't make love, of course he doesn't. And the grin being nearly as wide as he's tall!

[newbie1990.livejournal.com]

Right, um, I think this neverending story needs to be finished, so I shall attempt to write a quick ending. I am pleased you have liked it so far, but if it goes on any longer you may wish to kill me. And, er, I don't really want people to wish to kill me.

And so they went to talk to the Trio, who said that they didn't really care about the contents, but they had been hungry, and what remained of the contents of the purse was returned to Harriet, and after much loud complaining from Clarkson, they returned to London and took Harriet home.

The Trio, as penance for their thieving ways, had cast a spell to make everyone forget about the kidnapping, and Hammond convinced them to make Clarkson forget about his desire for a disturbing threesome with him and May, and so that was done too, and all was well in the world.

May continued to go to Hogglesbrook without too many horrible memories marring the experience, and although Harriet never quite shook off the mental scars of seeing Clarkson's Impossibly Evil Grin (a grin so evil that it should perhaps have been taken to prison years ago) on her face, or the incredible embarrassing-ness of his teenage-girl impressions, she was able to watch him on television without wanting to strangle him.

Jeremy was of course very pleased that he had a fangirl, and often mentioned it to annoy Hammond, which resulted in glaring and misery and irritation, until one day, in the middle of one particularly long speech, Hammond leapt up and kissed him, and when Clarkson gave him a startled glance, he snapped, "Well, you said tongues were a good alternative to gobstoppers, Jeremy."

May raised an eyebrow at Jeremy's gobsmacked expression and said, "I think you may have found a surefire way of shutting him up, Richard. You'll have to try that again." Oddly enough, neither Richard nor Jeremy seemed to mind, and nor did they mind when May began to try it also. And so they all lived happily-enough ever, and thankfully no-one had to suffer the indignity of being Jeremy Clarkson ever again, and even more thankfully, Jeremy never became a teenage girl again. Which was very, very good. Although he still wanted that purse.

(Hooray! It is finished!)

[rionaleonhart]

Hee! I was quite sad that Clarkson forgot about his obsession with threesomes, but then there was kissing anyway, so joy! And thank God for Jeremy never becoming a teenage girl again.

This has been gloriously fun to read, and thank you so much for writing it!

[newbie1990.livejournal.com]

Eee, thank you! I absolutely adored writing it, and, er, yes, I think even having a teenagegirl!Clarkson for a day was more than enough. In fact, it was probably too much.