Riona (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
rionaleonhart) wrote2024-08-29 05:40 pm
rionaleonhart) wrote2024-08-29 05:40 pm
Entry tags:
Fanfiction: Reciprocation (In Stars and Time, one-sided Isabeau/Siffrin)
I'll pop my author's notes for this fic under a cut, because they contain In Stars and Time spoilers:
I've been thinking a lot about a detail at the end of In Stars and Time. After Isa confesses his love, Siffrin says, 'I love you too, Isa.' When Isa asks if it's the same sort of love, though, Siffrin admits that he's not sure.
It's really interesting to me that, despite this uncertainty, Siffrin still says 'I love you too' in a context where it's obviously going to be interpreted as romantic. Siffrin isn't sure they're in love with Isa, but they accept Isa's confession anyway, because that's what Isa wants. If Isa hadn't double-checked, would Siffrin have ended up in a relationship they weren't comfortable with?
NB: in canon, Siffrin uses he/they pronouns. From the fact that their friends regularly switch between the two, I've assumed that Siffrin likes to be referred to with a mix of pronouns, and I've used both 'he' and 'they' in the narration of this fic. I've tried to do this as smoothly as possible, switching here and there based on what feels clear or sounds good, so hopefully it's easy to follow!
To be honest, I'm very nervous that the fandom is going to hate this fic. I'm worried it might come across as mean-spirited towards the ship. I just thought it could be an interesting concept to explore!
Title: Reciprocation
Fandom: In Stars and Time
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: one-sided Isabeau/Siffrin
Wordcount: 3,100
Summary: Siffrin is the kind of person who'll lie in a heartbeat to keep their friends happy. It's a dangerous habit when love confessions are involved.
Warnings: Unwanted romantic relationship.
Siffrin is left reeling and mortified by Isa’s confession. It feels—
It feels incredible, to know that Isa’s paid that kind of attention to him. To know that someone recognises and appreciates so many things about Siffrin, things that even Siffrin himself never really noticed. But it also kind of feels like too much.
“Thank you,” they manage to say. “For telling me.”
That’s... that’s not enough, is it? Isa’s just poured out his heart, he’s just confessed, and Siffrin knows more than anyone how much effort that must have taken. He’s still holding Siffrin’s hands in his; he’s looking thrilled, nervous, expectant.
Siffrin’s heart is beating so hard they feel a little dizzy, somewhere almost verging on terror. “A-and I love you too, Isa!”
It’s true. It’s true; they’re not lying. They love Isa; they love every one of their companions. That’s never been in question.
“Oh!” Isa exclaims “Oh! Crab yeah!” He takes a step back, seems to forcibly calm himself down a little. “But do you love me the same way I love you, though?”
Siffrin doesn’t know. There’s been kind of a lot happening; it’s hard to piece together how they feel about anything right now. But—
They couldn’t not say it. Not after everything. They couldn’t let Isa down like that. The loop is ending, hopefully; there are consequences now.
Rejecting Isa would hurt him. And Siffrin can never let themself hurt any of their friends again.
He looks so happy right now.
“Well,” Siffrin says, “if I didn’t, it would have been really stupid of me to say I loved you too, right?”
-
The five of them take a look back at Dormont before they leave. Honestly, if Siffrin ever sees this place again, it’ll be too soon. But it hasn’t all been bad.
Isa is holding his hand. That’s okay, that’s not too much. That’s fine.
When Siffrin looks over, he finds Isa looking back at him. Smiling a little, eyebrows raised. Asking a silent question that makes Siffrin tense up a little.
But Siffrin’s already committed to this; he can’t turn back now.
He nods.
It was the right decision, Siffrin thinks, as Isa kisses him. It made Isa happy, accepting his confession. And Isa deserves to be happy; he’s one of the kindest, most amazing people Siffrin has ever met.
This could be okay. It’s basically just friendship, with the occasional kiss, maybe. That’s okay; Siffrin can handle that.
Isa moves a hand to Siffrin’s side, deepens the kiss, and – no, it’s too strange, it’s too much, it’s too fast—
Siffrin wants to stop this. But they don’t want to break off too abruptly or awkwardly, they can’t make Isa think they don’t want this.
Some innocuous, positive way to end a kiss, something that’ll reassure Isa they’re still having a good time...
Siffrin laughs into the kiss, pulls away.
“What’s so funny?” Isa asks, amused.
“It’s just hard to believe this is really happening,” Siffrin says. Careful to smile as they say it.
Isa laughs in return. “How do you think I feel?”
-
Isa draws Siffrin aside while Mira and Odile are discussing the relative merits of the local inns. Gives Siffrin a quick, gentle kiss, and Siffrin dutifully kisses back. Bonnie starts making loud, pointed hacking noises, and Isa steers Siffrin a little further away.
“I was thinking,” Isa says. He’s smiling a little, kind of sheepish. “Maybe we could book two rooms tonight? One just for us? You know, if that sounds good to you.”
Siffrin stares at him.
Say yes, a part of their mind is whispering. Isa wants you to say yes. If you say no, he’ll be disappointed, maybe he’ll even feel bad for bringing it up. Say yes.
“Only if that’s what you want, obviously,” Isa says. “I, uh, I don’t want to rush you or anything.”
No, Siffrin thinks. I don’t want that. I don’t want that. I don’t want that. Not with anyone, not even with you, if it turns out I do love you the way you love me.
But they don’t, do they? They can’t love Isabeau the way he loves them, not completely. Because Isabeau wants this, and Siffrin can’t. Just another way they’re betraying Isa.
Siffrin feels sick.
“Maybe another time,” they say. Because they can’t say never, not when it’s what Isa wants.
Isa nods. “Yeah, of course.”
-
Isa likes to sit next to Siffrin when they take breaks for food, their sides pressed together. Mira teases them lightly about how cute they are, sometimes, and Isa laughs.
It’s starting to feel suffocating. Which is insane; there’s no reason it should.
It’s not anything huge or weird. It’s just being close to someone Siffrin cares about, just Isa’s familiar warmth against his arm. It doesn’t feel bad, physically. It feels kind of nice. There’s no reason it should make Siffrin want to claw his way out of his own skin.
It’s the same weird sensation when they’re sharing a bed. Isa tucks himself against Siffrin’s back, maybe kisses him on the shoulder. It’s all chaste, it’s sweet, it’s nothing that should be overwhelming. Isa hasn’t tried to push anything further since Siffrin shot down the idea of a room of their own. And Siffrin still just lies there, unable to stop wondering whether Isa ever pictures them having sex.
It never felt strange to share a bed with Isa, before all this. When they were friends, when they weren’t together, Siffrin actually found it kind of comforting.
He’s been struggling to sleep lately.
-
“You’ve seemed a little distracted lately,” Odile remarks. “I suppose I can’t blame you, after what you’ve been through. But I thought I’d ask if there’s anything bothering you.”
Siffrin casts a quick glance at Isa. He’s still washing his clothes in the river, far enough not to overhear them. He catches Siffrin looking in his direction, gives them a wave and a smile; Siffrin waves back.
“I’m fine,” Siffrin says. “I just haven’t been sleeping well. Not since the loops.” Which is true. If they try to pin down the roots of their sleep deprivation, it’s hard to establish where the loops end and Isa begins.
“Not surprising,” Odile remarks. “It’s good to see you’ve found happiness with someone, at least.” She pauses. “You are happy with Isabeau, aren’t you?”
Siffrin stares at her.
They’ve dreamt of this. Someone else noticing something’s wrong, swooping in to end the relationship. Isa would still get hurt; there’s probably no way around that. But at least Siffrin wouldn’t have to be the one to open that conversation with him.
In their daydreams, Siffrin always somehow knew what to say at this point.
“Of course,” they say. “Everything’s great.”
-
Siffrin follows Isa into their inn room and freezes.
This is a two-person room. There’s only one bed in here. It feels like a bomb going off in Siffrin’s mind.
Siffrin hadn’t registered that the others weren’t following the two of them, he hadn’t realised—
They’re alone, they’re alone in a room for just them, and Siffrin is suddenly breathing so quickly and sharply that it feels like he might somehow choke on air.
“Hey!” Isa’s hands are on Siffrin’s shoulders. “Hey, hey, it’s okay.”
“Isa?” Siffrin brings up his hands to grip one of Isa’s wrists. The touch is comforting, the presence of Isa is comforting, and it seems like that shouldn’t be possible when Isa is also at the heart of Siffrin’s panic.
“It’s okay,” Isa says. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to freak you out. I don’t expect anything from you. I just...” He pauses. “I thought maybe we needed to talk, and, I’ll be honest, right now I think we definitely need to talk.”
That... isn’t exactly freaking Siffrin out less, but at least it’s freaking them out differently.
Isa tries to guide Siffrin to sit on the bed, but there’s still too much panic tied up in that concept for Siffrin to handle it. They duck out of Isa’s grasp, stay standing. Isa’s worried expression is making them feel terrible, but they don’t know what else to do.
“Okay,” Isa says. “That’s fine. We don’t have to sit down.” He pauses, breathes in deeply. “I’m just going to say it. Do you still want to be in this relationship?”
Of course they want to be in this relationship. They have to want to be in this relationship. And Isa’s great; there’s no reason anyone wouldn’t love him.
But they also want this to be over. Or—
No. Siffrin doesn’t want this to be over. The idea of it ending is horrifying; it’ll tear down their friendship with Isa, and Siffrin can’t risk that.
They want it never to have started. But that isn’t an option, not now that the loops have stopped. So it has to continue.
“I just... feel like you haven’t really been happy,” Isa says. “Maybe I’m just imagining things. Or... I guess that time loop thing was rough on you. But I just wanted to check in.”
“I’m fine,” Siffrin says.
“Okay,” Isa says. “I just... I noticed that I’m always the one kissing you. It’s never the other way around, y’know? And – I’m not trying to complain, I was just kind of worried that maybe you don’t want—”
Siffrin doesn’t consciously think about it. It’s almost a reflex: Isa is worried, you have to stop him worrying, and Siffrin’s kissing him before he’s finished his sentence.
It brings Siffrin straight back to the memory of doing the same thing in the loops, the bone-deep self-loathing of it. He jerks back too quickly, suddenly nauseous.
No. No, no, that makes things worse. That was weird, Isa knows it was weird, it’s clear in his expression, Siffrin needs to say something right now—
“I have to be in love with you,” Siffrin says, desperately. “I – I kissed you, in the loops, you know that? And I kept looping, over and over again, trying to make sure everything was perfect, trying to get you to confess.” He draws in a quick, unsteady breath. “I need to be in love with you, because otherwise – what, was I just manipulating someone I didn’t feel anything for? Just so – just so something new would happen? I can’t be that person. What kind of person does that?”
Isa looks like Siffrin has just stabbed him in the chest.
Siffrin covers his mouth with his hand, sharply. He thinks he might throw up. He’s messed this up so, so badly.
The two of them stare at each other, for a few agonising seconds, across what suddenly feels like a distance of several thousand miles.
“Did you... ever want to be in a relationship with me?” Isa asks.
Siffrin can’t even think about speaking. It feels like there’s a hand closing around his throat.
There’s a long, long silence.
“Okay,” Isa says, after a pause that almost feels longer than all the time Siffrin spent looping. “I...”
He rubs a hand across the back of his neck. He looks like he might cry. Siffrin would do anything for this not to be happening; they would walk willingly back into the time loops if it could prevent this.
“I don’t think I can talk about this right now,” Isa says at last. “We’ll – we’ll talk about this. We’ll work this out. But, uh, I need some time to think.”
He walks out of the room.
Siffrin wants to collapse on the floor and dissolve into dust.
-
Isa doesn’t come back to the room. Siffrin lies awake all night, tearing his own mind into shreds.
As soon as the sky starts to lighten outside the window, he scrambles to his feet and starts grabbing his things. If there’s enough light to see by, he can travel, he can leave, he can get away from here. He really hurt Isa; if he stays, he’s forcing Isa to be around him, day after day after—
Two steps out of the inn, Siffrin stops like he’s hit a stone wall. It’s barely dawn, but Isa is out here, sitting on the grass. Staring at him.
“Sif!” Isa exclaims, scrambling to his feet. “I, uh, I wasn’t expecting to see you this early.”
“I can leave,” Siffrin says, instantly. “If you need more time, if—”
“It’s okay,” Isa says, and Siffrin falls silent. “I think I’m ready to talk.”
Siffrin is not even slightly ready to talk. But it’s not their call; Isa is the one who matters here.
“Where did you sleep?” Siffrin asks, in a half-hearted effort to delay the actual conversation.
Isa hesitates. “Uh, I didn’t really sleep.”
Same here. It feels like saying it would be manipulating Isa into feeling bad for them. “I’m sorry.”
“I guess I needed the time to think,” Isa says. “This wasn’t what you wanted, was it? Being with me, I mean. Romantically. You didn’t want it from the start, right?”
Just saying I’m sorry again feels like it would seem insincere. Siffrin scrambles through their head for the right thing to say, comes up empty-handed.
“I can handle being rejected,” Isa says. “I know I’m the hottest man in Vaugarde and you wouldn’t think it would be something I’d have to deal with, but feelings are feelings. You can’t force them. I get that.” He pauses. “What I can’t handle is the idea that you’ve been suffering in this relationship because of me.”
It feels like a fist to the gut. Which is no more than Siffrin deserves, they guess.
“It’s because of me,” Siffrin says, instantly. “You didn’t force me into anything. You just confessed, and I accepted it because...” I didn’t want to hurt you sticks in their throat. It feels like making excuses. They can’t try to claim that decision was for Isa’s sake; they ended up hurting him so much worse, in the end. “I don’t know. I’m sorry.”
I’m an idiot, they want to say. I’m a coward. But then Isa will try to make them feel better, and they don’t deserve his kindness.
“You didn’t want to hurt me, right?” Isa asks.
Isa is hideously perceptive sometimes.
“What I wanted doesn’t matter,” Siffrin says. “I still hurt you.”
“What you want absolutely, definitely matters,” Isa says. “That’s the whole point. You—” He cuts himself off, pauses. Tries again. “Okay. If someone’s in love with you. If they want a relationship with you. You know they want you to want to be in that relationship, right?”
That’s obvious. That’s the problem. Siffrin nods.
“What I mean,” Isa says, “is you can’t just be in a relationship to make them happy. Because they want you to be happy, too. I want you to be happy, I mean. So you can’t—” He shakes his head. “Ugh, this is really hard. What I’m saying is that the choice isn’t just ‘say no and make them sad, or say yes and make them happy’. If you don’t want the relationship, it’ll make them sad either way. So all you can do is choose what’ll make you happy, and they’ll get over it.” He pauses. “I’ll get over it.”
Siffrin’s first instinct is that he could have made Isa happy. If he’d tried harder, if he’d pretended better. If he’d been prepared to grit his teeth and get over his aversion to sex. If he’d—
If he’d successfully tricked Isa into thinking someone was in love with him.
It doesn’t feel like that would have been a great thing to do, either, when he thinks of it like that.
“You’re being so nice to me,” Siffrin mumbles, ducking his head. “I don’t deserve it.”
“It’s not really about what you deserve,” Isa says. “That’s not what matters to me. I want to be nice to you. You’re my friend.”
It seems to lodge in Siffrin’s throat: the knowledge that Isa is still willing to consider him a friend, after all of this. He finds himself blinking back tears.
“I really screwed this up,” Siffrin says. “I’m sorry.”
“Yeah,” Isa says, simply. “You did. This is pretty awful for both of us.” He offers Siffrin a small smile. “But I can see why you did it. And... we’re both gonna be okay, you know?”
-
Things are a little tense as they keep travelling, a little quiet. That’s probably no surprise. But they’re still travelling together, and that’s more than Siffrin could hope for; it’s more than he deserves.
At least he doesn’t have to convince anyone he’s in love. He sleeps on his own; he doesn’t have to be on guard for casual moments of intimacy he’s not prepared for. He feels bad for being relieved by that.
He does kind of miss the way he and Isa used to share a bed before, just as friends. He wonders if they’ll ever reach a point where they can do that again.
The five of them stop at a lake, to rest their legs and replenish their water supplies. Siffrin wanders away a little, along the edge of the water, just to look at the scenery.
Maybe to be alone for a moment, too. Isa’s told the others that they’ve broken up, without giving details, and Mira keeps casting anxious glances at both of them. It’s making Siffrin increasingly nervous that she’s going to ask questions he’s not ready to answer.
Eventually, he hears someone approaching from behind. Tenses up a little. That’s Isa; there’s no mistaking his footsteps.
“We’ll be leaving once everyone’s ready,” Isa says, coming up beside him. “Should start heading back soon.” He goes quiet for a moment. “It’s beautiful here.”
He’s not wrong. The calm surface of the lake, the fields of wheat beyond, the mountains in the distance, the fringe of the woods to their right. The sky, vibrant and bright.
Everything in sight feels so vast and eternal, but Siffrin knows that Isa probably looks at it and sees Change everywhere. Growth and decay and erosion, the fish beneath the surface of the water, the insects in the fields and trees, the birds flying overhead. Everything living and growing and changing.
Feelings can change too, of course.
I think I could fall in love with you. Siffrin thinks about saying it. I’m not there right now. And I can’t make promises. But that doesn’t mean it won’t happen.
They’ve already played with Isa’s feelings enough. If things change, things will change. Isa doesn’t need to hear about it now.
“I’m sorry,” they say, instead. “For everything. I’m glad we’re still friends.”
“Hey,” Isa says. “Bad news: you’re stuck with me. You would have to literally throw me into a volcano to make me stop hanging around you.”
Siffrin looks out at the mountains for a moment.
“I’d lava volcano right now,” they say.
Isa bursts out laughing and slaps Siffrin on the back, and, for the first time in what feels like a long time, Siffrin finds himself smiling.
I've been thinking a lot about a detail at the end of In Stars and Time. After Isa confesses his love, Siffrin says, 'I love you too, Isa.' When Isa asks if it's the same sort of love, though, Siffrin admits that he's not sure.
It's really interesting to me that, despite this uncertainty, Siffrin still says 'I love you too' in a context where it's obviously going to be interpreted as romantic. Siffrin isn't sure they're in love with Isa, but they accept Isa's confession anyway, because that's what Isa wants. If Isa hadn't double-checked, would Siffrin have ended up in a relationship they weren't comfortable with?
NB: in canon, Siffrin uses he/they pronouns. From the fact that their friends regularly switch between the two, I've assumed that Siffrin likes to be referred to with a mix of pronouns, and I've used both 'he' and 'they' in the narration of this fic. I've tried to do this as smoothly as possible, switching here and there based on what feels clear or sounds good, so hopefully it's easy to follow!
To be honest, I'm very nervous that the fandom is going to hate this fic. I'm worried it might come across as mean-spirited towards the ship. I just thought it could be an interesting concept to explore!
Title: Reciprocation
Fandom: In Stars and Time
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: one-sided Isabeau/Siffrin
Wordcount: 3,100
Summary: Siffrin is the kind of person who'll lie in a heartbeat to keep their friends happy. It's a dangerous habit when love confessions are involved.
Warnings: Unwanted romantic relationship.
Siffrin is left reeling and mortified by Isa’s confession. It feels—
It feels incredible, to know that Isa’s paid that kind of attention to him. To know that someone recognises and appreciates so many things about Siffrin, things that even Siffrin himself never really noticed. But it also kind of feels like too much.
“Thank you,” they manage to say. “For telling me.”
That’s... that’s not enough, is it? Isa’s just poured out his heart, he’s just confessed, and Siffrin knows more than anyone how much effort that must have taken. He’s still holding Siffrin’s hands in his; he’s looking thrilled, nervous, expectant.
Siffrin’s heart is beating so hard they feel a little dizzy, somewhere almost verging on terror. “A-and I love you too, Isa!”
It’s true. It’s true; they’re not lying. They love Isa; they love every one of their companions. That’s never been in question.
“Oh!” Isa exclaims “Oh! Crab yeah!” He takes a step back, seems to forcibly calm himself down a little. “But do you love me the same way I love you, though?”
Siffrin doesn’t know. There’s been kind of a lot happening; it’s hard to piece together how they feel about anything right now. But—
They couldn’t not say it. Not after everything. They couldn’t let Isa down like that. The loop is ending, hopefully; there are consequences now.
Rejecting Isa would hurt him. And Siffrin can never let themself hurt any of their friends again.
He looks so happy right now.
“Well,” Siffrin says, “if I didn’t, it would have been really stupid of me to say I loved you too, right?”
The five of them take a look back at Dormont before they leave. Honestly, if Siffrin ever sees this place again, it’ll be too soon. But it hasn’t all been bad.
Isa is holding his hand. That’s okay, that’s not too much. That’s fine.
When Siffrin looks over, he finds Isa looking back at him. Smiling a little, eyebrows raised. Asking a silent question that makes Siffrin tense up a little.
But Siffrin’s already committed to this; he can’t turn back now.
He nods.
It was the right decision, Siffrin thinks, as Isa kisses him. It made Isa happy, accepting his confession. And Isa deserves to be happy; he’s one of the kindest, most amazing people Siffrin has ever met.
This could be okay. It’s basically just friendship, with the occasional kiss, maybe. That’s okay; Siffrin can handle that.
Isa moves a hand to Siffrin’s side, deepens the kiss, and – no, it’s too strange, it’s too much, it’s too fast—
Siffrin wants to stop this. But they don’t want to break off too abruptly or awkwardly, they can’t make Isa think they don’t want this.
Some innocuous, positive way to end a kiss, something that’ll reassure Isa they’re still having a good time...
Siffrin laughs into the kiss, pulls away.
“What’s so funny?” Isa asks, amused.
“It’s just hard to believe this is really happening,” Siffrin says. Careful to smile as they say it.
Isa laughs in return. “How do you think I feel?”
Isa draws Siffrin aside while Mira and Odile are discussing the relative merits of the local inns. Gives Siffrin a quick, gentle kiss, and Siffrin dutifully kisses back. Bonnie starts making loud, pointed hacking noises, and Isa steers Siffrin a little further away.
“I was thinking,” Isa says. He’s smiling a little, kind of sheepish. “Maybe we could book two rooms tonight? One just for us? You know, if that sounds good to you.”
Siffrin stares at him.
Say yes, a part of their mind is whispering. Isa wants you to say yes. If you say no, he’ll be disappointed, maybe he’ll even feel bad for bringing it up. Say yes.
“Only if that’s what you want, obviously,” Isa says. “I, uh, I don’t want to rush you or anything.”
No, Siffrin thinks. I don’t want that. I don’t want that. I don’t want that. Not with anyone, not even with you, if it turns out I do love you the way you love me.
But they don’t, do they? They can’t love Isabeau the way he loves them, not completely. Because Isabeau wants this, and Siffrin can’t. Just another way they’re betraying Isa.
Siffrin feels sick.
“Maybe another time,” they say. Because they can’t say never, not when it’s what Isa wants.
Isa nods. “Yeah, of course.”
Isa likes to sit next to Siffrin when they take breaks for food, their sides pressed together. Mira teases them lightly about how cute they are, sometimes, and Isa laughs.
It’s starting to feel suffocating. Which is insane; there’s no reason it should.
It’s not anything huge or weird. It’s just being close to someone Siffrin cares about, just Isa’s familiar warmth against his arm. It doesn’t feel bad, physically. It feels kind of nice. There’s no reason it should make Siffrin want to claw his way out of his own skin.
It’s the same weird sensation when they’re sharing a bed. Isa tucks himself against Siffrin’s back, maybe kisses him on the shoulder. It’s all chaste, it’s sweet, it’s nothing that should be overwhelming. Isa hasn’t tried to push anything further since Siffrin shot down the idea of a room of their own. And Siffrin still just lies there, unable to stop wondering whether Isa ever pictures them having sex.
It never felt strange to share a bed with Isa, before all this. When they were friends, when they weren’t together, Siffrin actually found it kind of comforting.
He’s been struggling to sleep lately.
“You’ve seemed a little distracted lately,” Odile remarks. “I suppose I can’t blame you, after what you’ve been through. But I thought I’d ask if there’s anything bothering you.”
Siffrin casts a quick glance at Isa. He’s still washing his clothes in the river, far enough not to overhear them. He catches Siffrin looking in his direction, gives them a wave and a smile; Siffrin waves back.
“I’m fine,” Siffrin says. “I just haven’t been sleeping well. Not since the loops.” Which is true. If they try to pin down the roots of their sleep deprivation, it’s hard to establish where the loops end and Isa begins.
“Not surprising,” Odile remarks. “It’s good to see you’ve found happiness with someone, at least.” She pauses. “You are happy with Isabeau, aren’t you?”
Siffrin stares at her.
They’ve dreamt of this. Someone else noticing something’s wrong, swooping in to end the relationship. Isa would still get hurt; there’s probably no way around that. But at least Siffrin wouldn’t have to be the one to open that conversation with him.
In their daydreams, Siffrin always somehow knew what to say at this point.
“Of course,” they say. “Everything’s great.”
Siffrin follows Isa into their inn room and freezes.
This is a two-person room. There’s only one bed in here. It feels like a bomb going off in Siffrin’s mind.
Siffrin hadn’t registered that the others weren’t following the two of them, he hadn’t realised—
They’re alone, they’re alone in a room for just them, and Siffrin is suddenly breathing so quickly and sharply that it feels like he might somehow choke on air.
“Hey!” Isa’s hands are on Siffrin’s shoulders. “Hey, hey, it’s okay.”
“Isa?” Siffrin brings up his hands to grip one of Isa’s wrists. The touch is comforting, the presence of Isa is comforting, and it seems like that shouldn’t be possible when Isa is also at the heart of Siffrin’s panic.
“It’s okay,” Isa says. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to freak you out. I don’t expect anything from you. I just...” He pauses. “I thought maybe we needed to talk, and, I’ll be honest, right now I think we definitely need to talk.”
That... isn’t exactly freaking Siffrin out less, but at least it’s freaking them out differently.
Isa tries to guide Siffrin to sit on the bed, but there’s still too much panic tied up in that concept for Siffrin to handle it. They duck out of Isa’s grasp, stay standing. Isa’s worried expression is making them feel terrible, but they don’t know what else to do.
“Okay,” Isa says. “That’s fine. We don’t have to sit down.” He pauses, breathes in deeply. “I’m just going to say it. Do you still want to be in this relationship?”
Of course they want to be in this relationship. They have to want to be in this relationship. And Isa’s great; there’s no reason anyone wouldn’t love him.
But they also want this to be over. Or—
No. Siffrin doesn’t want this to be over. The idea of it ending is horrifying; it’ll tear down their friendship with Isa, and Siffrin can’t risk that.
They want it never to have started. But that isn’t an option, not now that the loops have stopped. So it has to continue.
“I just... feel like you haven’t really been happy,” Isa says. “Maybe I’m just imagining things. Or... I guess that time loop thing was rough on you. But I just wanted to check in.”
“I’m fine,” Siffrin says.
“Okay,” Isa says. “I just... I noticed that I’m always the one kissing you. It’s never the other way around, y’know? And – I’m not trying to complain, I was just kind of worried that maybe you don’t want—”
Siffrin doesn’t consciously think about it. It’s almost a reflex: Isa is worried, you have to stop him worrying, and Siffrin’s kissing him before he’s finished his sentence.
It brings Siffrin straight back to the memory of doing the same thing in the loops, the bone-deep self-loathing of it. He jerks back too quickly, suddenly nauseous.
No. No, no, that makes things worse. That was weird, Isa knows it was weird, it’s clear in his expression, Siffrin needs to say something right now—
“I have to be in love with you,” Siffrin says, desperately. “I – I kissed you, in the loops, you know that? And I kept looping, over and over again, trying to make sure everything was perfect, trying to get you to confess.” He draws in a quick, unsteady breath. “I need to be in love with you, because otherwise – what, was I just manipulating someone I didn’t feel anything for? Just so – just so something new would happen? I can’t be that person. What kind of person does that?”
Isa looks like Siffrin has just stabbed him in the chest.
Siffrin covers his mouth with his hand, sharply. He thinks he might throw up. He’s messed this up so, so badly.
The two of them stare at each other, for a few agonising seconds, across what suddenly feels like a distance of several thousand miles.
“Did you... ever want to be in a relationship with me?” Isa asks.
Siffrin can’t even think about speaking. It feels like there’s a hand closing around his throat.
There’s a long, long silence.
“Okay,” Isa says, after a pause that almost feels longer than all the time Siffrin spent looping. “I...”
He rubs a hand across the back of his neck. He looks like he might cry. Siffrin would do anything for this not to be happening; they would walk willingly back into the time loops if it could prevent this.
“I don’t think I can talk about this right now,” Isa says at last. “We’ll – we’ll talk about this. We’ll work this out. But, uh, I need some time to think.”
He walks out of the room.
Siffrin wants to collapse on the floor and dissolve into dust.
Isa doesn’t come back to the room. Siffrin lies awake all night, tearing his own mind into shreds.
As soon as the sky starts to lighten outside the window, he scrambles to his feet and starts grabbing his things. If there’s enough light to see by, he can travel, he can leave, he can get away from here. He really hurt Isa; if he stays, he’s forcing Isa to be around him, day after day after—
Two steps out of the inn, Siffrin stops like he’s hit a stone wall. It’s barely dawn, but Isa is out here, sitting on the grass. Staring at him.
“Sif!” Isa exclaims, scrambling to his feet. “I, uh, I wasn’t expecting to see you this early.”
“I can leave,” Siffrin says, instantly. “If you need more time, if—”
“It’s okay,” Isa says, and Siffrin falls silent. “I think I’m ready to talk.”
Siffrin is not even slightly ready to talk. But it’s not their call; Isa is the one who matters here.
“Where did you sleep?” Siffrin asks, in a half-hearted effort to delay the actual conversation.
Isa hesitates. “Uh, I didn’t really sleep.”
Same here. It feels like saying it would be manipulating Isa into feeling bad for them. “I’m sorry.”
“I guess I needed the time to think,” Isa says. “This wasn’t what you wanted, was it? Being with me, I mean. Romantically. You didn’t want it from the start, right?”
Just saying I’m sorry again feels like it would seem insincere. Siffrin scrambles through their head for the right thing to say, comes up empty-handed.
“I can handle being rejected,” Isa says. “I know I’m the hottest man in Vaugarde and you wouldn’t think it would be something I’d have to deal with, but feelings are feelings. You can’t force them. I get that.” He pauses. “What I can’t handle is the idea that you’ve been suffering in this relationship because of me.”
It feels like a fist to the gut. Which is no more than Siffrin deserves, they guess.
“It’s because of me,” Siffrin says, instantly. “You didn’t force me into anything. You just confessed, and I accepted it because...” I didn’t want to hurt you sticks in their throat. It feels like making excuses. They can’t try to claim that decision was for Isa’s sake; they ended up hurting him so much worse, in the end. “I don’t know. I’m sorry.”
I’m an idiot, they want to say. I’m a coward. But then Isa will try to make them feel better, and they don’t deserve his kindness.
“You didn’t want to hurt me, right?” Isa asks.
Isa is hideously perceptive sometimes.
“What I wanted doesn’t matter,” Siffrin says. “I still hurt you.”
“What you want absolutely, definitely matters,” Isa says. “That’s the whole point. You—” He cuts himself off, pauses. Tries again. “Okay. If someone’s in love with you. If they want a relationship with you. You know they want you to want to be in that relationship, right?”
That’s obvious. That’s the problem. Siffrin nods.
“What I mean,” Isa says, “is you can’t just be in a relationship to make them happy. Because they want you to be happy, too. I want you to be happy, I mean. So you can’t—” He shakes his head. “Ugh, this is really hard. What I’m saying is that the choice isn’t just ‘say no and make them sad, or say yes and make them happy’. If you don’t want the relationship, it’ll make them sad either way. So all you can do is choose what’ll make you happy, and they’ll get over it.” He pauses. “I’ll get over it.”
Siffrin’s first instinct is that he could have made Isa happy. If he’d tried harder, if he’d pretended better. If he’d been prepared to grit his teeth and get over his aversion to sex. If he’d—
If he’d successfully tricked Isa into thinking someone was in love with him.
It doesn’t feel like that would have been a great thing to do, either, when he thinks of it like that.
“You’re being so nice to me,” Siffrin mumbles, ducking his head. “I don’t deserve it.”
“It’s not really about what you deserve,” Isa says. “That’s not what matters to me. I want to be nice to you. You’re my friend.”
It seems to lodge in Siffrin’s throat: the knowledge that Isa is still willing to consider him a friend, after all of this. He finds himself blinking back tears.
“I really screwed this up,” Siffrin says. “I’m sorry.”
“Yeah,” Isa says, simply. “You did. This is pretty awful for both of us.” He offers Siffrin a small smile. “But I can see why you did it. And... we’re both gonna be okay, you know?”
Things are a little tense as they keep travelling, a little quiet. That’s probably no surprise. But they’re still travelling together, and that’s more than Siffrin could hope for; it’s more than he deserves.
At least he doesn’t have to convince anyone he’s in love. He sleeps on his own; he doesn’t have to be on guard for casual moments of intimacy he’s not prepared for. He feels bad for being relieved by that.
He does kind of miss the way he and Isa used to share a bed before, just as friends. He wonders if they’ll ever reach a point where they can do that again.
The five of them stop at a lake, to rest their legs and replenish their water supplies. Siffrin wanders away a little, along the edge of the water, just to look at the scenery.
Maybe to be alone for a moment, too. Isa’s told the others that they’ve broken up, without giving details, and Mira keeps casting anxious glances at both of them. It’s making Siffrin increasingly nervous that she’s going to ask questions he’s not ready to answer.
Eventually, he hears someone approaching from behind. Tenses up a little. That’s Isa; there’s no mistaking his footsteps.
“We’ll be leaving once everyone’s ready,” Isa says, coming up beside him. “Should start heading back soon.” He goes quiet for a moment. “It’s beautiful here.”
He’s not wrong. The calm surface of the lake, the fields of wheat beyond, the mountains in the distance, the fringe of the woods to their right. The sky, vibrant and bright.
Everything in sight feels so vast and eternal, but Siffrin knows that Isa probably looks at it and sees Change everywhere. Growth and decay and erosion, the fish beneath the surface of the water, the insects in the fields and trees, the birds flying overhead. Everything living and growing and changing.
Feelings can change too, of course.
I think I could fall in love with you. Siffrin thinks about saying it. I’m not there right now. And I can’t make promises. But that doesn’t mean it won’t happen.
They’ve already played with Isa’s feelings enough. If things change, things will change. Isa doesn’t need to hear about it now.
“I’m sorry,” they say, instead. “For everything. I’m glad we’re still friends.”
“Hey,” Isa says. “Bad news: you’re stuck with me. You would have to literally throw me into a volcano to make me stop hanging around you.”
Siffrin looks out at the mountains for a moment.
“I’d lava volcano right now,” they say.
Isa bursts out laughing and slaps Siffrin on the back, and, for the first time in what feels like a long time, Siffrin finds himself smiling.
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(Anonymous) 2024-09-13 02:57 pm (UTC)(link)I'm very glad to see you got a ton of comments over there too! Lately I haven't been looking through the ISAT tag as much as I was when the game first came out, so I guess it was lucky that I ended up sticking my head in here because I might not have seen it otherwise.