Liar! Our Pay Scheme Is Awful!

[rionaleonhart]

It's odd how all the little clues that you were ill - the feeling-incapable-of-going-out that you put down to laziness last night, the inexplicable but persistent tiredness all day - fall into place when you're actually leaning over the lavatory and un-eating the meal you worked so hard to prepare. It is possibly slightly worrying that I was genuinely mentally comparing it to foreshadowing in a work of fiction while in the act of throwing up. You'd think I'd have other things to think about, wouldn't you? (Er, sorry for the TMI.)

I feel much less dreadful now than I did before my impromptu reverse lunch, but I'm still rather unwell and, y'know, if you felt like writing ficsnippets in the comments, that might be nice? Only if you have the time and the inclination, obviously.

Comments

[dracothelizard.livejournal.com]

James looked at him sternly, which Jeremy thought was quite a feat for a hatstand. "Now, Jeremy, let's go over this once again, shall we?"

"Fine," Jeremy grumbled.

"You will be friendly. You will not be terrifying. You will at least try to be charming and social, and you will also act like a human being."

"But I'm not!" Jeremy protested. "That's the whole point of being turned into a beast!"

"I've been turned into a hatstand and I'm managing," James replied snippily. "Now, try to start things with a nice compliment, okay?"

"That's what I did last time, and then you said I was a philistine," Jeremy reminded him.

"Telling a nice peasant girl she has a nice rack doesn't count as a compliment," James told him. "Now, come on, let's see what the Stig has brought to the castle this time."

Jeremy grumbled, but followed his servant-turned-hatstand through the large hallway to the dining room. Why did that stupid magician have to turn him into a beast anyway, simply because he had turned him away from his door? It was his castle, surely he could turn annoying magicians away if he wanted to. And now he was cursed, and if he didn't find true love - as if that actually existed - or he'd be doomed to stay a beast forever, and because he now had a lot more hair, the drains were getting clogged every few weeks and the plungers were beginning to complain.

James slowly opened a door to see inside, Jeremy looking over him. "Right, there she -" James stopped. "Stig brought a man. I can't believe he made such a mistake."

Jeremy had ignored the hatstand's waffling and was eyeing the young man staring at his utensils, who were no doubt talking to him. "Never mind, James. I'm sure it'll be fine. Perhaps I've been looking for this true love in the wrong place." He shoved James aside and slammed the door shut.

[rionaleonhart]

Ahahaha, complaining plungers! Beast!Jeremy! James the longsuffering hatstand! You are amazing! PLEASE CONTINUE THIS; IT IS FANTASTIC.

[dracothelizard.livejournal.com]

No! This was supposed to exorcise the whole Top Gear Does Beauty and the Beast thing!

Did I mention Stig is a horseless white carriage that rides around the forest looking for lost people to drag off to the castle?

[dracothelizard.livejournal.com]

Richard stared at his utensils, which were patiently explaining to him that yes, he really was in an enchanted castle in the middle of the forest, and wasn't it nice to be here, with all the lovely food about to be served, and Richard noticed that they didn't mention him leaving, or anything about an exit, or why the odd white horseless carriage had dragged him here in the first place. He had just been gathering wood, getting off the path a bit more than usual, and yes, there had been some odd disappearances lately with local girls coming back after a week and never wanting to say what happened, but that didn't mean some horseless carriage could just kidnap him. "Excuse me," he said, interrupting his fork. "Are you saying I'm supposed to use you to eat?"

"Exactly!" the fork said happily. "Now you've got it."

"Right. So, er, the food's not - not alive, is it?" Richard asked.

"Of course not, silly boy," his tea pot told him. "Now tuck in, you look like you could use a good meal."

Richard nodded, thinking that being kidnapped had made him quite hungry. "I suppose I could stay for dinner," he said.

Suddenly, a door slammed shut, and Richard looked up and saw the most terifying sight of his life. It was some sort of huge hairy monstrosity. For a moment he thought it was a huge bear, but it seemed to be walking on two legs. He also noticed that all his utensils has stopped moving and were lying very still. Oh, god, was this the monster that had kidnapped all the girls from his village for some foul and unthinkable purpose? It slowly approaching him, and Richard could see the glint of claws. It was even bigger than he had first thought, and the monster stopped a few feet away from him, staring down at him.

"Um," Richard said, fighting his fear, "please don't eat me."

The monster growled, and then showed its huge fangs. It leaned over to Richard, and he moved backwards on his seat. "I promise I won't bite. Not unless you ask me to," the massive beast told him in a deep voice.

Richard then told himself that the monster had definitely not leered at him, or had just said what it had said, and that he was probably asleep under a tree and that he'd wake up any minute now.

[rionaleonhart]

...YES, JEREMY, THAT IS EXACTLY HOW TO MAKE SOMEONE YOU'VE JUST KIDNAPPED FALL FOR YOU. Good Lord.

Hee, poor confused Richard. 'Please don't eat me.' He is adorable!

[dracothelizard.livejournal.com]

I bet Hatstand!James is watching and banging his, er, head against a wall.

This is an annoyingly amount of fun. Damn!