Does Whatever An Iron Can.

[rionaleonhart]

DC comics from forty years ago are absolutely hilarious. We've got colossal boxes of my dad's old superhero comics in the attic, and I've just started looking through them. It is an interesting experience! Also, my dad becomes a gigantic fanboy when I talk to him about them, which is a bit brilliant.

One of my favourite stories is the hypothetical reversed-role tale 'Killer Kent Vs. Super Luthor!', because it is ridiculous on so many levels.


Mrs Kent: This is the third bank job we've had to pull this month!
Mr Kent: That's because we need lots of loot to pay Dr. Markem for the operation he performed today on our son, Clark! (Ahahaha, 'our son, Clark'? 'Our son, Clark. You remember that our son's name is Clark, don't you, dear?')
[In our imaginary tale, the Kents are Clark's real parents--and also notorious bank robbers!]
Mr Kent: But the operation was worth every G-note we had to pay! Now, thanks to Dr. Markem... we can be absolutely sure that Clark will grow up to be a criminal, like us!


That's right: they robbed a bank to pay for an operation to make their son evil. I know that some parents are keen on carrying on the family business, but, er...

OH, WAIT, IT GETS BETTER. Do you want to hear exactly what this operation entailed?


Dr. Markem: I gave you your criminal mind! Years ago, when you were a child, I inserted a tiny chromo-stimulant in your brain! I made it from evil genes and chromosomes I took from your real parents. It duplicated their criminal tendencies in you!


EVIL GENES, YOU GUYS. EVIL GENES. Also, I notice I seem to have somehow picked up these comics' bizarre tendency to emphasise everything despite never having read them before. Hmmm. (There is also a villain called Mxyzptlk, who is from the fifth dimension and can only be defeated by tricking him into saying his name backwards. OH, AND SUPERMAN HAS THE POWER OF SUPER-VENTRILOQUISM. ALTHOUGH DON'T ASK ME HOW THAT DIFFERS FROM NORMAL VENTRILOQUISM. AND SO DOES HIS SUPER-DOG. I have no idea why I didn't start reading these earlier.)

Did you know that Lex Luthor wants to kill Superman because Superman made him bald? I didn't. I laughed for about five minutes when my dad told me. SUPERHERO COMICS ARE AMAZING.

Comments

[th-esaurus.livejournal.com]

I hate how in comics every other word is emphasised even if it doesn't need to be. EVEN WATCHMEN DOES THIS. STOP IT, COMICS.

[rionaleonhart]

I am mildly afraid that people may think this about my journal.

[slasherfersure.livejournal.com]

AHAHAHA! xD


I can SO imagine that conversation:

Luther: DAMMIT SUPERMAN! YOU MADE ME BALD - PREPARE TO DIE!
Superman: Catch me if you can, sucka~

[rionaleonhart]

GUESS HOW SUPERMAN MADE LUTHOR BALD. GUESS.

Luthor accidentally set his laboratory on fire, and Superman burst in and used his super-breath to blow the fire out, and in the process he blew all the hair off Luthor's head.

I THINK YOU CAN SORT OF EXCUSE SUPERMAN THERE, LUTHOR.

[mekosuchinae.livejournal.com]

Just wait until you get to the issue in which Superman develops the ability to shoot tiny Supermen from his fingertips.

[rionaleonhart]

WHICH ISSUE IS THIS? THIS SOUNDS LIKE THE MOST AMAZING THING EVER. EVERYTHING IN THE SUPERMAN COMICS SOUNDS LIKE THE MOST AMAZING THING EVER. I CAN'T BELIEVE I ONLY JUST DISCOVERED THIS SUPERNOVA OF GENIUS.

[amy-wolf.livejournal.com]

So wait, they're his biological parents, and they've got evil genes, and yet it took an operation to give him their evil chromosomes?

Okay, that's pretty damn special.

Also, you need to read this: http://www.superdickery.com/ Especially the "Everything's better with monkeys" section. Because it's true!

[dracothelizard.livejournal.com]

I was just going to mention superdickery! It's the best website about comics EVER, although the boners thing gets a bit old eventually. But the 'stupor powers' section never does. SUPER-WEAVING!

I still can't get over EVIL GENES. Blast that evil DNA! Damn you, adenine, for corrupting that innocent thymine!

[justspaz.livejournal.com]

I could be extra nerdy and point out that your entry is about DC, but your tag is from Marvel.

Superheroes are completely strange. Even my boy Batman.

[rionaleonhart]

Indeed it is (the title is also a Marvel reference), but I have decided to use a single tag for any comic-related posts I may make. Because I am a comic philistine. (My father also has Marvel comics, but they're just not as entertainingly ridiculous as the DC ones, from what I've seen.)

[the-wanlorn.livejournal.com]

OH MY GOD WHY ARE YOU READING DC DC IS CRAP >:(

EXCEPT FOR BATMAN. AND GREEN ARROW. AND BIRDS OF PREY. AND

Okay, most of DC is crap, and even the things that are not crap are kind of crap BUT STILL >:(

[rionaleonhart]

BECAUSE CRAP IS AWESOME. I tried reading a couple of the Marvel comics, and they weren't nearly crap enough for me to laugh at.

MY PRIORITIES ARE FINE.

[dorcas-gustine.livejournal.com]

SUPERHERO COMICS ARE AMAZING.

ALSO VERY AMBIGUOS!

(I never read the old ones, because they make me squeamish. Also, because all of that storytelling inside boxes gets really tiring after a while.)

[bubbles-san.livejournal.com]

I... I can't tell if it's meant to be read in a sexual manner or not.

[rionaleonhart]

...

WELL, THAT'S INCREDIBLY CREEPY. How can that possibly be innocent?

[bubbles-san.livejournal.com]

YOU SHOULD BE READING MARVEL NOT DC, RIONA. MARVEL IS SO MUCH COOLER THAN DC. Though admitedly not that rediculous. Stan Lee (who is made of even more awesome than me) did not make rediculous things. Unless, you know, he wanted to, in which case IT WAS THE COOLEST REDICULOUS THING EVER. *blatant Stan Lee love*

[aestivalis]

Shun the nonbelievers, DC is great >:! YES THAT IS THE POINT OF THIS POST.

[terra]

Really, I think my icon says all that I want to.

[rionaleonhart]

...I think I must find this issue. Seriously, who writes these things?

[twilit-wanderer.livejournal.com]

ahaha I love old comics so much. I wept bitter tears when my father decided to get rid of all of his a few years back.

Evil genes and chromosomes being implanted via surgery is glorious, but all I can think of is, "Brain impulses! Evil brain impulses!" . I'm not sure if that adds to or detracts from the hilarity.

[tronella.livejournal.com]

I am trying (and failing) to think of a way in which a dog with super-ventriloquism would be in any way useful.

Also, I love Mxyzptlk! He was in an episode of Lois and Clark one time, it was hilarious. :D

[rionaleonhart]

The dog uses its super-ventriloquism to make Superboy bark so that everyone thinks he and Superboy have swapped bodies.

It is amazing.

[the-funmonkey.livejournal.com]

I fucking love comics (http://www.the-isb.com/?p=658#comments)

[lotus0kid.livejournal.com]

Seriously, it's like they weren't even paying attention to how ridiculous that all sounds. Speaking of, have you ever seen this website: Superman's a Dick (http://superdickery.com/)? They take a bunch of (mostly) old comicbook covers and strips where Superman is doing some wildly out-of-character thing or other (mostly to Jimmy Olsen), and using them to show how Superman isn't the Boy Scout everyone thinks he is. They're really pretty hilarious, because when you get all of those bits and pieces together, Superman truly comes off as a colossal.. well, dick.

Sorry about the linkspamming, especially if Draco and the Supergirls take over the world

[amy-wolf.livejournal.com]

And it has the power of Super-Landscaping! http://superdickery.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&catid=36%3Astupor-powers-index&id=685%3Asuperlandscaping&Itemid=38

[eva-kasumi.livejournal.com]

Now I want to link you to the much more recent issue where Mxyzptlk and the Dodo encounter each other in interdimentional space and decide to trade, thus creating a DC comics/Looney Tunes crossover. Green Arrow is given a box containing the Michigan J Frog. There is an attempt at switching Batman and Daffy Duck's bodies. The Flash fails to save Wile E Coyote.

(Note: I HIGHLY encourage you to start reading comics. Like, A LOT. PLEASE.)

[rionaleonhart]

WHAT IS THIS? How can you possibly say 'Now I want to link you to [INSERT AMAZINGNESS]' and not actually link me to it? I WANT TO BE LINKED TO IT. YOU WANT TO LINK ME TO IT. LINKING ME TO THIS WOULD BE A MUTUALLY BENEFICIAL ACT.

[spunkysidekick.livejournal.com]

Unrelatedly: unditchabledate.

jfyi.

[rionaleonhart]

Hooray! I'd been hoping for more of the Exciting Adventures of You and Sam.