Riona (
rionaleonhart) wrote2008-09-28 08:08 pm
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Does Whatever An Iron Can.
DC comics from forty years ago are absolutely hilarious. We've got colossal boxes of my dad's old superhero comics in the attic, and I've just started looking through them. It is an interesting experience! Also, my dad becomes a gigantic fanboy when I talk to him about them, which is a bit brilliant.
One of my favourite stories is the hypothetical reversed-role tale 'Killer Kent Vs. Super Luthor!', because it is ridiculous on so many levels.
Mrs Kent: This is the third bank job we've had to pull this month!
Mr Kent: That's because we need lots of loot to pay Dr. Markem for the operation he performed today on our son, Clark! (Ahahaha, 'our son, Clark'? 'Our son, Clark. You remember that our son's name is Clark, don't you, dear?')
[In our imaginary tale, the Kents are Clark's real parents--and also notorious bank robbers!]
Mr Kent: But the operation was worth every G-note we had to pay! Now, thanks to Dr. Markem... we can be absolutely sure that Clark will grow up to be a criminal, like us!
That's right: they robbed a bank to pay for an operation to make their son evil. I know that some parents are keen on carrying on the family business, but, er...
OH, WAIT, IT GETS BETTER. Do you want to hear exactly what this operation entailed?
Dr. Markem: I gave you your criminal mind! Years ago, when you were a child, I inserted a tiny chromo-stimulant in your brain! I made it from evil genes and chromosomes I took from your real parents. It duplicated their criminal tendencies in you!
EVIL GENES, YOU GUYS. EVIL GENES. Also, I notice I seem to have somehow picked up these comics' bizarre tendency to emphasise everything despite never having read them before. Hmmm. (There is also a villain called Mxyzptlk, who is from the fifth dimension and can only be defeated by tricking him into saying his name backwards. OH, AND SUPERMAN HAS THE POWER OF SUPER-VENTRILOQUISM. ALTHOUGH DON'T ASK ME HOW THAT DIFFERS FROM NORMAL VENTRILOQUISM. AND SO DOES HIS SUPER-DOG. I have no idea why I didn't start reading these earlier.)
Did you know that Lex Luthor wants to kill Superman because Superman made him bald? I didn't. I laughed for about five minutes when my dad told me. SUPERHERO COMICS ARE AMAZING.
One of my favourite stories is the hypothetical reversed-role tale 'Killer Kent Vs. Super Luthor!', because it is ridiculous on so many levels.
Mrs Kent: This is the third bank job we've had to pull this month!
Mr Kent: That's because we need lots of loot to pay Dr. Markem for the operation he performed today on our son, Clark! (Ahahaha, 'our son, Clark'? 'Our son, Clark. You remember that our son's name is Clark, don't you, dear?')
[In our imaginary tale, the Kents are Clark's real parents--and also notorious bank robbers!]
Mr Kent: But the operation was worth every G-note we had to pay! Now, thanks to Dr. Markem... we can be absolutely sure that Clark will grow up to be a criminal, like us!
That's right: they robbed a bank to pay for an operation to make their son evil. I know that some parents are keen on carrying on the family business, but, er...
OH, WAIT, IT GETS BETTER. Do you want to hear exactly what this operation entailed?
Dr. Markem: I gave you your criminal mind! Years ago, when you were a child, I inserted a tiny chromo-stimulant in your brain! I made it from evil genes and chromosomes I took from your real parents. It duplicated their criminal tendencies in you!
EVIL GENES, YOU GUYS. EVIL GENES. Also, I notice I seem to have somehow picked up these comics' bizarre tendency to emphasise everything despite never having read them before. Hmmm. (There is also a villain called Mxyzptlk, who is from the fifth dimension and can only be defeated by tricking him into saying his name backwards. OH, AND SUPERMAN HAS THE POWER OF SUPER-VENTRILOQUISM. ALTHOUGH DON'T ASK ME HOW THAT DIFFERS FROM NORMAL VENTRILOQUISM. AND SO DOES HIS SUPER-DOG. I have no idea why I didn't start reading these earlier.)
Did you know that Lex Luthor wants to kill Superman because Superman made him bald? I didn't. I laughed for about five minutes when my dad told me. SUPERHERO COMICS ARE AMAZING.
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I can SO imagine that conversation:
Luther: DAMMIT SUPERMAN! YOU MADE ME BALD - PREPARE TO DIE!
Superman: Catch me if you can, sucka~
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Luthor accidentally set his laboratory on fire, and Superman burst in and used his super-breath to blow the fire out, and in the process he blew all the hair off Luthor's head.
I THINK YOU CAN SORT OF EXCUSE SUPERMAN THERE, LUTHOR.
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Okay, that's pretty damn special.
Also, you need to read this: http://www.superdickery.com/ Especially the "Everything's better with monkeys" section. Because it's true!
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I still can't get over EVIL GENES. Blast that evil DNA! Damn you, adenine, for corrupting that innocent thymine!
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Superheroes are completely strange. Even my boy Batman.
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EXCEPT FOR BATMAN. AND GREEN ARROW. AND BIRDS OF PREY. AND
Okay, most of DC is crap, and even the things that are not crap are kind of crap BUT STILL >:(
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MY PRIORITIES ARE FINE.
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ALSO VERY AMBIGUOS!
(I never read the old ones, because they make me squeamish. Also, because all of that storytelling inside boxes gets really tiring after a while.)
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WELL, THAT'S INCREDIBLY CREEPY. How can that possibly be innocent?
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Evil genes and chromosomes being implanted via surgery is glorious, but all I can think of is, "Brain impulses! Evil brain impulses!" . I'm not sure if that adds to or detracts from the hilarity.
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Also, I love Mxyzptlk! He was in an episode of Lois and Clark one time, it was hilarious. :D
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It is amazing.
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Sorry about the linkspamming, especially if Draco and the Supergirls take over the world
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(Note: I HIGHLY encourage you to start reading comics. Like, A LOT. PLEASE.)
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jfyi.
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