Riona (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
rionaleonhart) wrote2010-04-20 10:08 am
rionaleonhart) wrote2010-04-20 10:08 am
'At Least My Shoplifting Was Useful.'
I went to the recording of Would I Lie To You? last night! My companions were ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
anewcitylife, causethesounds, chocolatepeach, amandapear and sawnoffcourtney, and the whole thing was tremendous fun.
For those unfamiliar with Would I Lie To You?: the host is Rob Brydon, and the team captains are David Mitchell and Lee Mack. The guest panellists, on this occasion, were John Bishop, Patsy Palmer, Joanna Page and Chris Addison (who is apparently nearly forty, what the hell, he looks about twenty-three). The game: a panellist gives a fact about themselves, and the opposing team have to determine whether it is true or false.
Here is my report!
In the wings, prior to coming on, Mitchell constantly had a biro in his mouth (and not, as I just typed, in his moth). He occasionally removed it, only to restore it immediately afterwards. I just felt the need to record that.
Bishop's first claim was 'I once worked for a company where we started each day with a motivational song' (and also had to 'throw their negative feelings out of the window' with symbolic hand gestures, apparently).
When it came up that he was selling vacuum cleaners, I thought, Hang on...
And then he was asked to give an example song (Mack: What was the song? Bishop: There were actually several songs. Mack: You know, I really hope this is a lie and you've just made it harder for yourself by saying that). The example song, set to this tune, went thus:
'We sell Kirby cleaners!
We sell Kirby cleaners!'
My mother once worked for this company. She tells me that, in their morning meetings, after singing 'Glory, glory to the Kirby!' or whatever the song of the day was, someone would put a cream cake on a table, jump on the cream cake and then vacuum it up as everyone cheered. It sounds absolutely bizarre.
During the cross-examination, Palmer asked Bishop which vacuum cleaner was the most popular when he was selling them.
Bishop: We only had one.
Mack: One vacuum cleaner? They'd been spending years trying to shift one vacuum cleaner? No wonder you needed a motivational song.
Palmer had the claim that she once got the EastEnders dog drunk.
Mitchell: What - what - what -
Mack: (Mitchell-voice) What's EastEnders?
Mitchell's eventual reasoning: 'We think it's true. Because anyone, given enough time in a room with some vodka and a dog...'
Page, having claimed that, ashamed of her poor maths skills, she recited the times tables every night, was called upon to recite the seven-times table.
Page: It's so embarrassing! Especially sitting next to you.
Mitchell: I am a renowned mathematician. My secret identity is Percentage Man! He can divide anything by a hundred.
Brydon, meanwhile, was sceptical about Palmer's attribution of her own mathematical problems to dyscalcula.
Brydon: I've got shortulus.
Later:
Palmer: Remember, kids, if you can't add up it doesn't mean you're thick.
Brydon: Well, you are a bit thick. You're not too bright, put it that way.
At one point, Brydon told a rather nasty joke, then, after a moment's silence, said, 'Applause.' The audience, rather uncertainly, clapped. Mitchell was appalled.
Mitchell: You've just made the audience sad with your horrible jokes, and then you've extorted applause from them! They're just sitting there now, sadly applauding.
In the 'This Is My...' round, Addison claimed that the guest, Mark, was a neighbour to whom he had given his wheelbarrow.
Addison: This is a bit embarrassing, as he's here, but it was one of those moments when you offer a bit more than you meant to.
Bishop: Chris, was getting Mark on here just a ploy to get your wheelbarrow back?
Addison: ...little bit.
Bishop doubted that Addison would have spoken to his neighbour, as he lives in London.
Bishop: People don't talk to each other in London.
Addison: We're in London, and we're having this ridiculous conversation.
Bishop: Yeah, but we're getting paid for it.
Mitchell: (urgently) We're not in London! We are outside the M25. You can't say we're in London; there's a different budget; it was crucial to the show's getting recommissioned. If we say we're in London, we're finished. We are helping the BBC to cover all of this varied and fascinating country by recording this very slightly outside the M25.
Palmer claimed that Mark was the swimming tutor who had helped her overcome her fear of water. In the interrogation, she explained that she used to swim before meeting him.
Mitchell: ...so you could actually swim before you met this swimming tutor?
Palmer: (perfectly matter-of-fact) Yes.
He later questioned how she could have managed to not realise she had a fear of water when swimming earlier.
Mitchell: So you started the swimming lessons, you got in the water and realised (wild flailing) 'Oh, God, I hate it! I thought I just wasn't much good at swimming, but it turns out I'm terrified of water and I hate it!'
Later:
Palmer: I'm not a good swimmer. I can't breathe underwater...
Mack: Well, nobody can do that.
Palmer: (earnestly) No, you can breathe underwater!
Entire Studio: ...
Mack claimed that he was once beaten at swingball by a chimpanzee whilst drunk. Mitchell became VERY SHOUTY about the idea that a zoo might let a group of drunkards into a chimpanzee enclosure.
Mack: Well, there were only four of us, 'cause the stag week had started to break up a bit, so -
Mitchell: Oh, and four drunk men was fine, was it? Seven drunk men, they might have had a problem, but four drunk men is fine.
Mitchell and Mack are great to watch arguing. Their interactions were probably my favourite part of the recording.
When Mitchell's team were trying to establish whether the chimpanzee story was true:
Page: It does seem like something he would do.
Mack: (rising from his seat, affronted) Why? Why? ...I mean, it's true, but why?
Brydon aided Mack's team by pointing out that Bishop's story of being thrown out of the cinema for crying too loudly at Rocky didn't add up, as he'd said he was crying at the ending; why throw him out?
Mitchell was furious.
Mitchell: I want to lodge a complaint! You can't just help them!
Brydon: Complaint duly lodged.
His reason, Brydon explained, was that Bishop was so terrible at lying that he deserved to be thoroughly shamed.
Mitchell had a possession claim: 'This is my special travel dressing gown. It is the one thing I always take with me when I go away'. He modelled it for us on-set.
Mitchell: (pulls the dressing gown on) ...the cord's missing.
Mack: Don't cry!
Mitchell wanted a pipe so he could feel more like an anachronistic detective in his purplish-red paisley dressing gown.
Palmer: What do you wear with it? Do you wear anything underneath, or...?
Mack: I think I'm going to be sick.
Mitchell: Well, I don't generally wear it over my normal clothes, like I am now, but...
Mack: This is the least sexy chat-up ever. 'Well, let me tell you, I'm not wearing my normal clothes under here...'
Mitchell: To be honest, Lee, I don't know why you enter so many situations with me expecting arousal.
Later, Mack painted a picture of Mitchell shopping in the dressing gown whilst Mack stood in the corner, tutting, 'Well, that's not very arousing.'
Palmer: Do you always wear it when you're away, or does it depend on whether you're alone or you have someone with you, or...?
Mack: (stage whisper) David's always alone.
Mitchell: Erm.
Mack: We don't like to talk about it on here, but David's always alone.
Mitchell: Erm, well, yes, I am usually... you know, I feel so much of my life has been exposed by this programme. It's completely ruined my reputation. Before, I was this cool guy who liked music and fashion, and then this came along and destroyed all that with my dressing as an eighteenth-century nobleman and my little bell.
Mack: Sixth series of Would I Lie To You?: 'My cock stinks!'
Mitchell: 'Since Would I Lie To You? began, I have started to self-harm.'
Mack: 'I have been having sex with my nan for four years.'
Afterwards, Mitchell was asked to demonstrate how he would pack his dressing gown. He just sort of scrunched it up. NEW, PERHAPS SURPRISING CANON: David Mitchell is a messy packer.
When the time came to decide on whether the claim was true or not:
Addison: Considering the appearance of the dressing gown and his demeanour, I think it must be true.
Mitchell: Fuck you!
It was true, in the end, which pleased us. Aschocolatepeach said, 'It's such a waste when they do David Mitchell and it's a lie.'
You'll be getting another of these quite soon, because I appear, ridiculously, to be going to the recording on Wednesday as well. Oh, dear.
anewcitylife, causethesounds, chocolatepeach, amandapear and sawnoffcourtney, and the whole thing was tremendous fun.For those unfamiliar with Would I Lie To You?: the host is Rob Brydon, and the team captains are David Mitchell and Lee Mack. The guest panellists, on this occasion, were John Bishop, Patsy Palmer, Joanna Page and Chris Addison (who is apparently nearly forty, what the hell, he looks about twenty-three). The game: a panellist gives a fact about themselves, and the opposing team have to determine whether it is true or false.
Here is my report!
In the wings, prior to coming on, Mitchell constantly had a biro in his mouth (and not, as I just typed, in his moth). He occasionally removed it, only to restore it immediately afterwards. I just felt the need to record that.
Bishop's first claim was 'I once worked for a company where we started each day with a motivational song' (and also had to 'throw their negative feelings out of the window' with symbolic hand gestures, apparently).
When it came up that he was selling vacuum cleaners, I thought, Hang on...
And then he was asked to give an example song (Mack: What was the song? Bishop: There were actually several songs. Mack: You know, I really hope this is a lie and you've just made it harder for yourself by saying that). The example song, set to this tune, went thus:
'We sell Kirby cleaners!
We sell Kirby cleaners!'
My mother once worked for this company. She tells me that, in their morning meetings, after singing 'Glory, glory to the Kirby!' or whatever the song of the day was, someone would put a cream cake on a table, jump on the cream cake and then vacuum it up as everyone cheered. It sounds absolutely bizarre.
During the cross-examination, Palmer asked Bishop which vacuum cleaner was the most popular when he was selling them.
Bishop: We only had one.
Mack: One vacuum cleaner? They'd been spending years trying to shift one vacuum cleaner? No wonder you needed a motivational song.
Palmer had the claim that she once got the EastEnders dog drunk.
Mitchell: What - what - what -
Mack: (Mitchell-voice) What's EastEnders?
Mitchell's eventual reasoning: 'We think it's true. Because anyone, given enough time in a room with some vodka and a dog...'
Page, having claimed that, ashamed of her poor maths skills, she recited the times tables every night, was called upon to recite the seven-times table.
Page: It's so embarrassing! Especially sitting next to you.
Mitchell: I am a renowned mathematician. My secret identity is Percentage Man! He can divide anything by a hundred.
Brydon, meanwhile, was sceptical about Palmer's attribution of her own mathematical problems to dyscalcula.
Brydon: I've got shortulus.
Later:
Palmer: Remember, kids, if you can't add up it doesn't mean you're thick.
Brydon: Well, you are a bit thick. You're not too bright, put it that way.
At one point, Brydon told a rather nasty joke, then, after a moment's silence, said, 'Applause.' The audience, rather uncertainly, clapped. Mitchell was appalled.
Mitchell: You've just made the audience sad with your horrible jokes, and then you've extorted applause from them! They're just sitting there now, sadly applauding.
In the 'This Is My...' round, Addison claimed that the guest, Mark, was a neighbour to whom he had given his wheelbarrow.
Addison: This is a bit embarrassing, as he's here, but it was one of those moments when you offer a bit more than you meant to.
Bishop: Chris, was getting Mark on here just a ploy to get your wheelbarrow back?
Addison: ...little bit.
Bishop doubted that Addison would have spoken to his neighbour, as he lives in London.
Bishop: People don't talk to each other in London.
Addison: We're in London, and we're having this ridiculous conversation.
Bishop: Yeah, but we're getting paid for it.
Mitchell: (urgently) We're not in London! We are outside the M25. You can't say we're in London; there's a different budget; it was crucial to the show's getting recommissioned. If we say we're in London, we're finished. We are helping the BBC to cover all of this varied and fascinating country by recording this very slightly outside the M25.
Palmer claimed that Mark was the swimming tutor who had helped her overcome her fear of water. In the interrogation, she explained that she used to swim before meeting him.
Mitchell: ...so you could actually swim before you met this swimming tutor?
Palmer: (perfectly matter-of-fact) Yes.
He later questioned how she could have managed to not realise she had a fear of water when swimming earlier.
Mitchell: So you started the swimming lessons, you got in the water and realised (wild flailing) 'Oh, God, I hate it! I thought I just wasn't much good at swimming, but it turns out I'm terrified of water and I hate it!'
Later:
Palmer: I'm not a good swimmer. I can't breathe underwater...
Mack: Well, nobody can do that.
Palmer: (earnestly) No, you can breathe underwater!
Entire Studio: ...
Mack claimed that he was once beaten at swingball by a chimpanzee whilst drunk. Mitchell became VERY SHOUTY about the idea that a zoo might let a group of drunkards into a chimpanzee enclosure.
Mack: Well, there were only four of us, 'cause the stag week had started to break up a bit, so -
Mitchell: Oh, and four drunk men was fine, was it? Seven drunk men, they might have had a problem, but four drunk men is fine.
Mitchell and Mack are great to watch arguing. Their interactions were probably my favourite part of the recording.
When Mitchell's team were trying to establish whether the chimpanzee story was true:
Page: It does seem like something he would do.
Mack: (rising from his seat, affronted) Why? Why? ...I mean, it's true, but why?
Brydon aided Mack's team by pointing out that Bishop's story of being thrown out of the cinema for crying too loudly at Rocky didn't add up, as he'd said he was crying at the ending; why throw him out?
Mitchell was furious.
Mitchell: I want to lodge a complaint! You can't just help them!
Brydon: Complaint duly lodged.
His reason, Brydon explained, was that Bishop was so terrible at lying that he deserved to be thoroughly shamed.
Mitchell had a possession claim: 'This is my special travel dressing gown. It is the one thing I always take with me when I go away'. He modelled it for us on-set.
Mitchell: (pulls the dressing gown on) ...the cord's missing.
Mack: Don't cry!
Mitchell wanted a pipe so he could feel more like an anachronistic detective in his purplish-red paisley dressing gown.
Palmer: What do you wear with it? Do you wear anything underneath, or...?
Mack: I think I'm going to be sick.
Mitchell: Well, I don't generally wear it over my normal clothes, like I am now, but...
Mack: This is the least sexy chat-up ever. 'Well, let me tell you, I'm not wearing my normal clothes under here...'
Mitchell: To be honest, Lee, I don't know why you enter so many situations with me expecting arousal.
Later, Mack painted a picture of Mitchell shopping in the dressing gown whilst Mack stood in the corner, tutting, 'Well, that's not very arousing.'
Palmer: Do you always wear it when you're away, or does it depend on whether you're alone or you have someone with you, or...?
Mack: (stage whisper) David's always alone.
Mitchell: Erm.
Mack: We don't like to talk about it on here, but David's always alone.
Mitchell: Erm, well, yes, I am usually... you know, I feel so much of my life has been exposed by this programme. It's completely ruined my reputation. Before, I was this cool guy who liked music and fashion, and then this came along and destroyed all that with my dressing as an eighteenth-century nobleman and my little bell.
Mack: Sixth series of Would I Lie To You?: 'My cock stinks!'
Mitchell: 'Since Would I Lie To You? began, I have started to self-harm.'
Mack: 'I have been having sex with my nan for four years.'
Afterwards, Mitchell was asked to demonstrate how he would pack his dressing gown. He just sort of scrunched it up. NEW, PERHAPS SURPRISING CANON: David Mitchell is a messy packer.
When the time came to decide on whether the claim was true or not:
Addison: Considering the appearance of the dressing gown and his demeanour, I think it must be true.
Mitchell: Fuck you!
It was true, in the end, which pleased us. As
chocolatepeach said, 'It's such a waste when they do David Mitchell and it's a lie.'You'll be getting another of these quite soon, because I appear, ridiculously, to be going to the recording on Wednesday as well. Oh, dear.
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