Trabia Garden

necrophilia was visiting the UK, so we met up yesterday for a day out in London! Wandered around the Science Museum and the Natural History Museum, looked at some cool rocks (there was a gemstone exhibit that made it very hard not to contemplate a museum heist), talked about Oxenfree and Ace Attorney and Severance and Ben Starr, ate some delicious pasta, tried to navigate a marathon that was directly in our path, had ice cream by the river. I had a great time!

My favourite moment: Jes paused briefly among the crowds on the South Bank. She was standing under the London Eye, the London Dungeon on her left side, Big Ben visible across the Thames to her right. She asked me whether this was a touristy area. You know, I think it might just be.

At one point I dragged Jes into a shop full of anime figurines and the like, so I could see whether they had anything featuring Light Yagami. They had figurines of Misa, L and Rem, but there was no sign of Light.

A shop assistant approached and asked whether we were looking for any franchise in particular. I asked whether they had anything else for Death Note.

'No,' he said, 'but we have Joker over here, if you're interested,' and he pointed me to a figurine of Persona 5's protagonist.

For an absolutely bewildered instant, I had no idea how this stranger could know that I'm a Persona fan.

And then I remembered that, for ease of meeting up, I'd dressed in such a way that Jes would be able to see me and go 'yeah, there's no way that's not Riona.' I was wearing a Persona 5 hoodie open over my Final Fantasy XV T-shirt and Final Fantasy VIII Griever necklace. I felt like an absolute parody of myself, standing there in a nerd shop while dressed like the huge nerd I am.

As we left the shop, BABYMETAL's 'Megitsune' started playing, and the final indignity was the fact that I recognised it.

On Saturday I went to the British Museum with wolfy_writing! We'd known each other for almost a decade online, so it was strange and delightful to meet in person at last and realise she wasn't actually a 100x100-pixel LJ icon.

wolfy_writing has swum with sharks and sat on an elephant and stroked a cheetah and been startled by a Komodo dragon and ridden a lion (one of these things may not, strictly speaking, be true). She is fascinating company, and also understandably unimpressed by the UK's lack of deadly animals for her to hang out with. Still, we do have the seagulls of Brighton.

My favourite exhibit in the British Museum is an enormous detached arm from an ancient Egyptian pharaoh statue, its hand in a fist (someone's posted a photo on Flickr here). It is my favourite because you can watch all the visitors internally struggling with the urge to give it a fistbump. Some linger for a moment and then tear themselves away and move on. Some almost give it a fistbump, leaving a little space between their fist and the stone to avoid breaking the 'no touching' rule. Some quickly give it a fistbump and then turn away and try to look innocent. At one point two guys walked past, looked at it, and then gave each other a fistbump to dispel the tension.

I'm also fond of the Tring tiles, a set of cartoonish fourteenth-century English tiles that depict the young Jesus killing his classmates in various situations and then bringing them back to life. One tile has the description 'Parents shut their children in an oven to prevent them from playing with Jesus'.


Important conversations whilst hanging out the washing:

Rei: I haven't washed all of my socks. Why not, you ask?
Riona: Er, because some of your socks are clean? Because two of your socks are on your feet?
Rei: Both of those things are true. Excellently deduced.
Riona: Thanks.
Rei: Thank you, Shersock Holmes.
Riona: REI, GO AWAY.

My favourite quote so far from For Richer, For Poorer, Victoria Coren's poker memoirs:

There is not enough money in the world for Ram. He is ever so handsome and the lady croupiers get lost in his big dark eyes, but Ram doesn't seem to notice women. If the dealer was topless, Ram would still look at the cards. He once had a girlfriend who asked Ram to write her a love poem. He wrote, 'On the moors there's heather and bramble, but all I want to do is gamble.' They are not together any more.

(I'm reading this book very slowly, I know, but it's absolutely not because I'm not enjoying it. I am savouring it. It's a great book to take to a coffee shop and read over a mug of hot chocolate.)

I bought For Richer, For Poorer on the way to see The Unbelievable Truth being recorded a couple of weeks ago, which leads nicely into my next paragraph: whilst waiting for the recording to begin, valderys and I started talking about throwing underwear at David Mitchell, for some reason (as a general concept; we weren't making plans). We eventually concluded that the only way one could fittingly throw pants at Mitchell would be if they were very sensible plain M&S knickers, still in the five-pack. Nobody should actually do this; there's too much potential for injury, and you'd almost certainly be kicked out of the recording. It's just a thought that amuses me.


I spent the weekend at my aunt's, and in the course of the visit I read The Worry Website, one of many Jacqueline Wilson books belonging to my adorable tiny cousin-once-removed. I cried. I haven't read a Jacqueline Wilson book in so many years, and I'd forgotten what a wonderful writer for children she is.

You know, my first attempt at fanfiction - conceived before I even knew what fanfiction was - was actually a wildly ambitious idea for a film called Harry Potter and the Double Act Twins, in which Ruby and Garnet, the twins from Jacqueline Wilson's Double Act, went to Hogwarts. My best friend from primary school and I were going to write the script and play the twins. There were extremely fierce fights about who got to play Garnet, which, because I am meeker (...more Garnet-like, in fact), I lost.

I still have my handwritten notes on problems we would need to get around when filming it. These notes tell me that I was thinking we could get the necessary owls from bird sanctuaries, although what I've actually written is 'bird sancuo places'. The plan for Quidditch is 'Players sit on brooms suspended by springy wires. They will easily be able to swing round'. There's an illustration, but I note that the illustration doesn't show exactly what the brooms are to be suspended from.

To my recollection, we only actually rehearsed one scene, which involved my brother Joseph (playing Harry Potter) crawling along the landing towards the imagined Voldemort and snarling 'YOU... KILLED... MY... PARENTS' in the most dramatic way you've ever heard.

LET'S ALL REMINISCE ABOUT JACQUELINE WILSON'S BOOKS. I suppose it's possible that you didn't read her books as a child, in which case I can only apologise for your life. Go back in time, read them, and then come back here and join in the reminiscing.

Yesterday, sos_your_face and I went to a recording of Would I Lie to You?. On the journey to the studios, I mentioned that Victoria Coren hadn't appeared on the game before and I'd love to see her there.

'You've said it, so now it's going to happen,' sos_your_face said, referring back to an earlier discussion of my weird power to alter reality: the way Charlie Brooker began flirting with David Mitchell only after I began theoretically 'shipping them, the way I came away from an earlier Would I Lie to You? filming thinking Keeley Hawes/David Mitchell would be adorable and subsequently along came this sketch. 'I'm going to be really disappointed if she's not there tonight. I'm just going to leave and go home.'

'Right,' I said. 'Well, I apologise in advance if on this occasion my reality-warping powers let you down.'


Fast-forward a couple of hours and you'd find us sitting in the studio.

'Next,' Rob Brydon said, 'please welcome to the stage one of my favourite writers, presenters and poker players...'

I actually exclaimed 'Yes!' aloud.

So, yes! On David Mitchell's team were Chris Packham and Mackenzie Crook; on Lee Mack's were Rhod Gilbert and ♥ Victoria Coren ♥. I was convinced for several minutes after Coren's appearance that I was dreaming.

(Victoria Coren is, incidentally, the best player of Would I Lie to You? as a game ever. She got every single claim right.)


Here are some things that I remember from the recording! For anyone unfamiliar with the concept of Would I Lie to You?: a panellist on one team reads out a fact about themselves from a card, and the other team cross-examine them in order to determine whether the fact is true or false.


( Would I Lie to You? recording, 4th March 2011. )


At the end, Coren put on her duffel coat and she and Mitchell walked away together and Mitchell stepped down from the set and held out his hand to assist her and she took it and stepped down and it was the most adorable thing ever. It's fine if you don't want to get married and produce the world's most intelligent and sarcastic children, guys, but I think it would be a great loss to humanity.

I have finished the first series of Phineas and Ferb! And you should all watch it as well, because, guys, this cartoon is really good. The bizarrely amicable struggles of Perry and Dr Doofenshmirtz in particular are a constant delight. I love 'we may be enemies, but that doesn't mean we dislike each other' dynamics.

I also love that Phineas and Ferb never takes itself too seriously. Even in the 'Candace realises she loves her siblings really' song, what could have been entirely sincere is tempered by the hilariously literal lyrics:

You will always be my
Little brothers
'Cause you're younger
We're related
And you're boys

Other favourite lyrics: 'It only took a magic portal to Mars to give me some self-worth' and 'Just the two of us, in an oesophagus' (I love how ridiculously specific Phineas and Ferb songs can be. That song can only apply to the situation of 'going through someone's digestive system in a miniature submarine'. This one applies to the situation of 'dancing wildly because there are squirrels in your jeans'). Plus there's Busted, which is just incredibly catchy.


I stayed the night at th_esaurus's house recently! We discussed the concept of the King of All Cosmos as a private detective (worst idea ever, someone please write it) and of Wallace of Scott Pilgrim vs. the World going out with Nega Scott, rather to Scott's perturbation (better idea, someone write this as well). Also, whilst poking around fanfiction.net, we stumbled across what is possibly my favourite fanfiction line ever written (the 'I' in question is female):

"Oh god Joe!" I moaned out as he released inside of me. "you are not gay!"

Plus I spent a few hours yesterday with the lovely faeries_bite and mychickadee. faeries_bite wasn't feeling very well, sadly, but she was still able to help form the idea that is going to make my fortune: Parcelville, a theme park based on the Royal Mail. None of the rides end up where you're expecting them to go, and you can't buy a ticket at the gate; you have to go a couple of miles away. The most expensive tickets will allow you to go on the rides within a day or so, if you're lucky. I expect to see you all there at the grand opening.


Seriously, do give Phineas and Ferb a try. The only complaint I have is that Candace's screaming can begin to grate after a while, but it's got great characters and great songs and it's genuinely clever and funny. Even its formulaic nature works in its favour, because after it's established a pattern of expectation it begins to subvert and play with it in all sorts of interesting ways. It's great fun to watch, and I very much recommend it.

Had a picnic in Regent's Park yesterday with anewcitylife (Charlie), causethesounds (Chris), apiphile (Del), foxinmyhands, ruthi, ukcalico, ihavecake and strangefrontier! It was delightful and also highly inappropriate.



Out-of-Context Theatre:

(Chris is biting Del's fist.)
Charlie: Don't taunt her, Chris! You're fifteen!
Del: It's all right. One day I'll punch her in the vag; it'll be amazing.

(Yes, all right, that had a bit of context. 'Out-of-Context Theatre' isn't actually terribly strict about the anecdotes it allows in.)


Charlie: I want fic in which David Mitchell has to logically work out that he should get naked right the fuck now.


Riona: Was I looking the other way when sticking candles up bums became something everyone did?


Charlie: David Mitchell would make quite a good owl. ...I've drunk too much today.


(Chris and Charlie are lying adorably on each other; Riona is writing this fact down.)
Chris: You fucking voyeur, Riona. But, to be fair, I am flirting a lot.
Riona: That's no justification! You can't say 'oh, yes, I was watching, but to be fair to me you were having sex'.

(Seriously, Chris and Charlie were far too cute. We all ended up 'shipping them. Later, I was somehow absorbed into the cuddlepile and felt like the new character who turns up in the third series and is resented by the fandom for interfering with the OTP. If you ever actually got together, guys, I promise I wouldn't stand in your way! I would sit comfortably out of the way. In the corner. With my notebook.)


Del: I once had a sex dream about Hugh Laurie. And then my boyfriend tried to get into bed when I was half-asleep, and I kicked him out, and my rationale was 'you're not Hugh Laurie'.


(Chris is scratching Charlie's back.)
Charlie: Are you trying to undo my bra?
Chris: Not yet.


Charlie: Del for Prime Minister! She's less creepy than David Cameron!
Del: ...thanks.



We have decided that my autobiography is going to be titled On the Edge of the Gangbang, Looking Awkward. It will be a million-seller.

My constituency's gone Conservative. I feel as if my vote somehow exploded in the ballot box and burnt up four thousand Lib Dem votes. Blast. Should have realised that was a risk.

AWESOMER THINGS: last night I was at the live broadcast of Channel Four's Alternative Election Night! IT'S NOT AS IF I WOULD HAVE BEEN DOING ANY WORK WHEN DAVID MITCHELL WAS PRESENTING ELECTION COVERAGE; I'M ALLOWED. I was a bit saddened by how scripted it was, but I suppose they want to take as few risks as possible on live television. Also saddened by how little Mitchell and Brooker interacted, and for a long time afraid that they might not interact at all, but then came the last ten minutes or so to prove that they should never not be together. If you have Brooker and Mitchell and they are not speaking to each other, programme-makers, you are wasting an opportunity.

I suppose they couldn't have Brooker on too much because he is absolutely, hilariously terrible with autocues. (Mitchell, however, will happily read out anything that's on an autocue without thinking about it; at one point, he said, 'I'm sitting here with [name], [name], David, [name] and [name].' There was no other David at the table. You're sitting there with yourself, Mitchell?)

Don't know whether anyone caught sight of me in the audience. anewcitylife, causethesounds and I were all Lib Dems, but were seated in the tiny section for miscellaneous parties because the Lib Dem section was full; the rest of our contingent had to say they were Labour supporters to be allowed in.

Anyway, I didn't make detailed notes, because it was being broadcast live and so things wouldn't be cut out. Here are a few notes on various events of which you might not be aware, though.


- derryderrydown: Vagina dentata: what a wonderful phrase! Vagina dentata, ain't no passing craze! It means no penis for the rest of your days...

- Jimmy Carr seems quite a friendly chap! He said hello as he walked past the queue at the beginning, hung back to talk to the audience at the end, and shook hands with anewcitylife when she commiserated with him about their mockable laughs.

- During an ad break, when Carr and Mitchell were preparing to do a bit to camera, Carr linked his hands together over Mitchell's shoulder and attempted to lean on him.

Mitchell: ...are you going to do that? Because it's a bit weird.

EVERYONE FLIRTS WITH DAVID MITCHELL. It is just true.

- On one occasion, whilst leaving the studio, Brooker paused to say something to Mitchell: the first contact the two of them had had. Mitchell was speaking to someone else, though, and didn't seem to notice; Brooker left, casting a backwards glance. I was bizarrely heartbroken.

- Later, Brooker attempted to engage Mitchell and succeeded! They looked at some sort of document together, and then Mitchell clapped a hand on Brooker's back and gave him a playful shove towards where he was supposed to be sitting. It was adorable.

- EDIT: Oh, yes, and at the beginning David Mitchell was sitting on a table with his legs apart and his crotch practically in anewcitylife's face.


And a few things that were broadcast, just because they give me glee (and because the programme isn't available on 4oD, tsk):

- Brooker's 'now over to our very own David Mitchell': the most delightfully sarcastic pronunciation of a name I've ever heard.

- Mitchell made a joke about killing all the politicians. There were cheers and applause from the audience, to his visible alarm.

Carr: People will ask how the revolution started, and we'll say, 'It was David Mitchell.'

Carr then cast Brooker as the leader of the revolution. I love it when they write their own AU prompts for us.

- Towards the end of broadcasting, Mitchell made a joke that didn't really work, and then, after a moment, exclaimed, 'Don't give me that look, Charlie! It's late!'

They are so married. The marriedest.

My mental screensaver is now Charlie Brooker snogging an adorable furry handpuppet. If I'm not thinking of anything in particular, I'm seeing Brooker making out with a puppet. I suspect this may be the case for a while.

By which I mean that I went to see the You Have Been Watching Children's TV Special being recorded yesterday with causethesounds, anewcitylife and th_esaurus. My memory is sort of overwhelmed by CHARLIE BROOKER SNOGGED A PUPPET, but I'll try to recall enough things to make a proper report.

The guests were Mark Watson, Chris Addison and Holly Walsh; the host, of course, was Charlie Brooker.


( Mr Fuggles and Other Stories: the recording of the You Have Been Watching Children's TV Special. )


There was a LINE here. It's gone now.

I went to the recording of Would I Lie To You? last night! My companions were anewcitylife, causethesounds, chocolatepeach, amandapear and sawnoffcourtney, and the whole thing was tremendous fun.

For those unfamiliar with Would I Lie To You?: the host is Rob Brydon, and the team captains are David Mitchell and Lee Mack. The guest panellists, on this occasion, were John Bishop, Patsy Palmer, Joanna Page and Chris Addison (who is apparently nearly forty, what the hell, he looks about twenty-three). The game: a panellist gives a fact about themselves, and the opposing team have to determine whether it is true or false.

Here is my report!


( Would I Lie To You? recording, 19th April 2010. )


You'll be getting another of these quite soon, because I appear, ridiculously, to be going to the recording on Wednesday as well. Oh, dear.

I have been to another recording of The Unbelievable Truth, with anewcitylife and causethesounds! It was hosted, of course, by David Mitchell; the panellists were Fred MacAulay, Susan Calman, Liza Tarbuck and Charlie 'Charlie Freaking Brooker' Brooker.

I'll say that again: one of the panellists was Charlie Brooker.

I cannot express how excited I have been for the past week.

I was trying to be dignified whilst queueing with anewcitylife and causethesounds, and almost succeeded until we spotted Brooker nearby, taking a phone call, his dry cleaning over his shoulder. Charlie Brooker is a real person! I can confirm this because I saw him with my eyes. We all promptly became extremely giggly, which set the tone for the evening.

Here is my report on that evening! (This report may, I'll be honest, be slightly biased towards recording exchanges between David Mitchell and Charlie Brooker.)


Charlie Brooker's hair was astonishingly stupid. It brought me a great deal of joy.

David Mitchell and Charlie Brooker have such chemistry. They really do. I just want to sit and listen to them disputing things for hours.

Mitchell and Brooker were sort of monopolising each other's attention; they certainly seemed to have more extended exchanges than other members of the panel, although perhaps it just seemed that way because I was paying particular attention to the Mitchell-and-Brooker exchanges. I'd describe the tone of their relationship at the recording as 'playful hostility with occasional outright flirting'. I don't think I could have asked for anything better.


( And here are some of the things that were said! )


It was an absolute joy. Thank you so, so much to amandapear for the tickets.