If Your Mum Were A Computer, She'd Run Windows 3.1.

[rionaleonhart]

David Mitchell is a boilerhouse of pure sexual energy. Every time I meet him I act all aggressive without realising it, because I'm suppressing the urge to get all Gone With The Wind on his arse.

THIS IS AN ACTUAL THING THAT CHARLIE BROOKER SAID. AN ACTUAL THING. CHARLIE BROOKER ACTUALLY SAID THIS.

And to think I've been worried about tinhatting! I have every excuse.


I really just wanted to say that, but that's hardly a proper entry, is it? So I'm going to type up the Post-it exchanges between Mark and Jeremy in the book of Peep Show scripts I've just rediscovered (Peep Show: The Scripts and More), because they amuse me.



Jeremy's notes are in bold, Mark's in italics. The first message from Jeremy is spread over several notes, which is why there are paragraph breaks in odd places.


To Mark.
Look, I know what you think happened, and yes, you're right, I have eaten all your ice cream, but there are mitigating circumstances.

I was up very late and got very, very stoned and I know you don't know what that's like, except that one time in the bowling alley, but as I've explained before I'm not sure you did it right. But listen, let me assure you that the munchies are not a myth cooked up by Cheech or Chong or Bill Clinton. They are actually a serious medical condition and

Super Hans says they can lead to nasty complications unless treated immediately. Preferably with ice cream. Anyway, it's your fault for buying ice cream in the first place, I mean what did you expect me to do when I saw it, not eat it like some sort of maniac or saint?

Look at it this way, Ben and Jerry are still living in the sixties and they probably give all their money to trees and Red Indians so in a way I've helped contribute to saving the planet just by eating it. Plus Cherry Garcia was a legendary pothead who would

have completely understood my need to get baked and chow down on his ice cream, so in memory of Cherry let's call it quits OK?


There is a Marks & Spencer's gastropub moussaka on the middle shelf. DO NOT EAT IT. I am working very late tonight at the office and I am looking forward to eating this when I get home, and if you do eat it I will be VERY VERY ANGRY. Microwaving it and eating a little bit of it and putting the packaging back on is not OK. Eating it all and swapping it for a Bird's Eye moussaka from the shop is not OK. Eating it and apologising is not OK. I am not the Catholic church. There is a two for one Sainsbury's voucher for garlic bread on the kitchen table which you are free to use.

Hey man
As you can see I have eaten just over half of your gastropub moussaka. There was a note about it which unfortunately got covered in moussaka before I had a chance to read it, I hope it was nothing urgent.
I will of course pay you back, EMI have had my new CD for two days and I would expect that the first royalty cheque will be rolling in by the end of the week at the latest.
Cheers
Jez


FUCK OFF MY FOOD

Could you be a bit more sympathetic to a hungry man? I'm the ugly side of capitalism, the side no one apart from Noam Chomsky and Mark Thomas, God rest his soul, wants to remember. You give £10 a month to Oxfam, what about throwing a little bit of sugar my way? Or if it's not on the news, you're not interested?

Hello Jeremy. I am a refrigerator. Inside me is a Taste the Difference Chicken Tikka Masala. As you will notice when you slip back its snug cardboard envelope, its plastic seal has already been broken. It has been 'tampered with'. Whether or not that means it has been infected by an invisible poison or tasteless laxative is anyone's guess.
Are you going to play Taste the Difference Russian Roulette and take your chances with the 12-hour loo marathon and the possible trip to casualty? Or are you going to leave it alone and go and buy your own dinner? The choice is yours.

Thanks for the curry. Feelin' good!


Dear Jeremy
Inside this fridge is a chocolate birthday cake. Baked by my mother and hand-delivered by my sister. It is an object of considerable value to me as a delicious treat and a symbol of my family's love and I am saving it to give out to guests at my birthday party. If you eat it there is a good chance you will cause me to become so upset I might possibly cry. Please, please do not eat it.
Yours sincerely,
Mark

How much will you give me not to eat it? This isn't blackmail. I'm just curious.

£10

How about £50 and a DVD box set of the X-Men trilogy?

I can't believe I'm saying this, but £20 and Transformers.

Double-disc special edition.

This is outrageous. DONE.



I want to see so many more of their note exchanges. This is why the world needs more Peep Show fanfiction! (Which you should post over at peepshowfic should you write/have written any, incidentally.)


Finally, here is firefly99 singing the Pokémon theme to the tune of Lady Gaga's 'Poker Face'. It is one of the greatest things I have ever heard.