rionaleonhart | Unless, Of Course, I Am Wrong.

Entry tags:

Unless, Of Course, I Am Wrong.

Sometimes, I worry 'what if the impossible happens?' and become very distressed when I can't work out a way of fixing it. I have actually thought 'what if Jeremy Clarkson and I swap bodies for some reason and we can't find a way to change back? What if he doesn't want to change back? OH MY GOD, WHAT WILL I DO WHEN THAT HAPPENS?'

Yes, Riona, I am sure that your inability to work out how to reverse an inexplicable bodyswap will have terrible consequences in the future.

I'd like to have some sort of content in this entry, but I don't really have anything to say. Apart from 'er, please tell me I'm not the only person who thought that Charles and Sir were totally a couple in Lemony Snicket's The Penultimate Peril?', but I'm a bit afraid of saying that in case everyone says 'Yes, Riona, you are the only person who thought that. Take your slash-addled brain and stay far away from children's books, please.'

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Jeremy's grin was that of an escaped lunatic with a machete.

Oh, dear. Jeremy does have some truly amazing expressions. Also terrifying. (Ahahaha, unnerving eyebrow-waggling!)

I can't get a bus home, Jeremy; the bastard Harry Potter trio have stolen all my money.

(I very much like reading it, so feel free to be as unable to stop writing it as you want.)

(The continued streak of lateness, er, continues.)

Ah, Jeremy would not be Jeremy without insane expressions.

Oh, God, they are evil, aren't they? They will have to get their comeuppance at some point.

And many many yippees that you think I have a good May-voice! This is wonderful news!

(This is good, as I seem to not want to stop writing it.)

"There's more to the plan?" said May, an expression of bemusement crossing his face. "Actually, never mind, we need to get Harriet home."

"Oh, but I think Harriet wants to hear the plan, " said Jeremy, his 'mad scientist' expression appearing. "She was asking about the evidence of Hammond fancying me earlier."

Hammond flushed. "Please don't start all that again."

Jeremy grinned. "No, Richard, we're on to a new subject now. On it like May was on you in that art gallery."

James raised his eyebrows. "I'm impressed you managed to squeeze innuendo from that," he said.

"Oh, I'm sure you'll be impressed with a lot of things if you stay," said Jeremy, grinning an unpleasantly lewd grin.

Hammond groaned and his head fell to his waiting hands. "Please, if nothing else, think of the dog." TG whined as though to back up the statement.

"Fine, the dog can go for a walk with Harriet," said Jeremy. "See how caring I am, Richard? Doesn't it warm your heart?"

"No," said Richard through gritted teeth and his hands.

"Jeremy," said James, "as amusing as it is to see you torture poor Hammond ("Hey!" he cried indignantly), I think it would be best if we took poor Harriet home. She's suffered enough today after having to put up with you and your impersonations of a teenage girl all day." TG nuzzled James' trouser leg in appreciation for his sensibleness.

"Oh, fine," snapped Jeremy. "We're coming back here afterwards though."

"You are not dragging us back here just so we can turn you down!" exclaimed Richard.

"Richard, I'm shocked; I was thinking we could look at the scenery and possibly take a nice nature walk."

"Jeremy, I'd rather you didn't ruin my favourite holiday spot," said May. "Now, we're going home."

"You know," said Harriet, a rather worried tone creeping into her voice, "I think those people who were looking for the Horcrux have stolen all my money."

"Oh, no," said Jeremy, "now we're going to have to sleep here and find them in the morning! What a shame!"

Hammond eyeballed him. "Shut up, Jeremy, you're even less convincing at that than you were at being a teenage girl."

~~today~~. *sighs*

I think Harriet should TOTALLY go for a walk with TG. Well, it's what I would do, anyway.

Also, Jeremy continues to be unconvincing! Haha!

TG APPRECIATING SENSIBLENESS! JAMES/TG FOR THE WIN!

Well, going for a walk with TG would of course be lovely, but there is the possibility that Clarkson would be evil enough to leave them stranded in Hogglesbrook without money or food. Which would not be lovely at all.

Jeremy can't be convincing at all. Poor Jeremy.

Oh, God, they sort of fit together she said without having read any of the fic. If there is fic. *sighs*

Well, yes, but Harriet could keep TG for ransom until she got what she wanted.

They do! Which is why I prefer James/TG over Jeremy/TG. Obviously, no proper fic exists for either pairing. Yet.

Oh, that's an idea. Although I'm not sure Jeremy would care. I'm sure he must've gone into Evil Mind-Controlling Partnership with the HP trio to get James and Richard to leave Harriet and TG behind anyway, so they'd be indisposed.

Yet? :D

Harry Potter teaming up with Jeremy Clarkson! Now there's a way to defeat Voldemort!

Harriet is working on something Jeremy/TG related, which means I shall have to work on something James/TG related, to show her the error of her ways.

Hee! Oh God, it would be awful. Voldemort would end up ruling the world, and Jeremy would probably join him and then end up ruining things for him as well. And then things would be such a mess that Jeremy would end up ruling the world... scary.

Well, obviously. And the fact that glorious insane crackfic featuring man/dog is being written makes me very happy.

Clarkson ruling the world would be HORRIBLE.

Normal people would say 'no, no, you can't write man/TG, it's awful'. But I shouldn't say anything, I wrote May/moped, after all.

It would be dreadful, and everyone would be forced to drive everywhere, and just... badness.

*laughter* May/moped?! No, you shouldn't say anything. And you and Riona are writing it!

The world would explode in DAYS.

Hey, look, it's not my fault that James devotes an entire column to the unsated lust he felt for some moped! The fic is here (http://community.livejournal.com/topgearslash/453781.html).

Ahahaha, Jeremy's amazing powers of innuendo!

"See how caring I am, Richard? Doesn't it warm your heart?"

Hee hee hee! Oh, Jeremy.

"Oh, no," said Jeremy, "now we're going to have to sleep here and find them in the morning! What a shame!"

Oh, Jeremy is so awful. And by 'awful', of course, I mean brilliant.

There is late replying, there is very late replying, and then there is this. There were many Things today. Very many.

May sighed. "We could always search for them now," he said calmly. "They can't have gone that far; they only just left."

"Unless they had a Portkey," said Harriet worriedly. "They'd be miles away then."

Jeremy frowned. "You really do know too much. Perhaps you'd be better off going to look for them on your own. I'll stay here with Hammond and May. I'm sure we'll find some way to pass the time."

May sighed. "Clarkson, I think you owe her some help considering the way you've been behaving all day."

Clarkson sighed. "Oh, all right, James. I'm sure you'll regret passing up the opportunity of some hot Clarkson-loving to look for a gang of teenage criminals."

James looked from him to Hammond, whose face had not yet been removed from his hands. "Has he been like this all day?"

"Yes," said Richard's muffled voice, "yes he has. Please find some way of stopping him."

"You could always try a tongue. Tongues are a nice alternative to gobstoppers, Rich," said Clarkson, whose horrible grin was now too horrible for description.

"James," said Richard desperately, "I'm actually considering trying that. Please help me."

"Jeremy," said May determinedly, "you're coming with me ("Oh, am I? What about poor Hammond, you wouldn't want to leave him out," said Clarkson, evil grin now at least five times more evil than Voldemort. Hammond died a little inside). Richard, you can go with Harriet and Top Gear Dog. We've got some criminals to find."

"Are you going to be the Watson to my Holmes?" said Jeremy, managing to make this sound like the most innuendo-laden statement yet.

"It'll probably be the other way around," said James.

And they set off to find the evil thieves.

(Oh, dear, I shall attempt to make the search for the Thieving Trio as quick as possible.)

It's fine! Everyone has Things to Do, and I admire that you're responsible enough to actually do them.

Hot Clarkson-loving! Ahahaha!

whose horrible grin was now too horrible for description.

Oh, it is so Clarkson. And I love that Richard is actually considering it!

managing to make this sound like the most innuendo-laden statement yet.

Oh, well, it would be. Gayest Victorians ever.

Er, I wouldn't say that I'm responsible; it's more that I'm forced to do them.

Hee, Holmes/Watson!

"Clarkson, you do realise we're trying to find the gang of little highwaymen that robbed poor Harriet, not trying to stalk Richard?"

"Shut up, May, he might hear us."

"I can hear you, Jeremy; half the village can hear you. We're supposed to be keeping quiet, because in case you'd all forgotten, we still happen to be kidnappers."

"You know," said May slowly, "we should probably work on some sort of explanation for all this kidnapping business."

"Well," said Clarkson, "we could always stick with my version; that she forced her way into the car because she loves me."

"Jeremy, no-one who is actually in their right mind is going to believe that, and as I don't think that the entire police force is insane, we may have to come up with a more convincing explanation."

"Well, we could say she forced her way into the car to meet me," said Hammond, his smile returning.

"Richard, if you're going to be unhelpful, I'm going to say things that he can turn into innuendo."

He stopped smiling instantly. "Harriet, do you have any ideas that would convince your family?"

Harriet frowned. "Erm, well, I've never really... wait a second, isn't that Harry?"

And so it was Harry, emerging from a yellowstone sweet shop carrying an enormous toffee ice-cream that seemed to be overbalancing slightly on the cone. He was laughing and joking with Hermione and Ron, who carried similarly huge ice-creams which were strawberry and chocolate respectively.

May frowned. "There's a possibility that's your money they're eating."

Clarkson rubbed his hands together. "Is there going to be a fight?" He grinned unpleasantly. "Because I make love, not war." He frowned. "Actually, scratch that. I don't make love. I - "

"Unless it's shutting up, no-one cares what you do!" snapped Hammond.

Clarkon's grin was nearly as wide as he was tall. "I think there might very well be a fight," he said. "Come on, lads! And you, former-lad. And the dog."

It occurred to Clarkson that if the Trio were the Famous Five, only with no dog and no George, they were actually the Famous Five, and this meant Hammond was of course George. He was about to voice this thought when it occurred to him that a few minutes ago he had been a girl, and so therefore he might be the George of the group; and so for once, he didn't say exactly what was on his mind. And so instead, he snapped, "Well come on, what are we waiting for? Let's go and kick some wizard arse!"

I love the way May phrases "There's a possibility that's your money they're eating."

Hee, half the village can hear Clarkson! And he doesn't make love, of course he doesn't. And the grin being nearly as wide as he's tall!

Right, um, I think this neverending story needs to be finished, so I shall attempt to write a quick ending. I am pleased you have liked it so far, but if it goes on any longer you may wish to kill me. And, er, I don't really want people to wish to kill me.

And so they went to talk to the Trio, who said that they didn't really care about the contents, but they had been hungry, and what remained of the contents of the purse was returned to Harriet, and after much loud complaining from Clarkson, they returned to London and took Harriet home.

The Trio, as penance for their thieving ways, had cast a spell to make everyone forget about the kidnapping, and Hammond convinced them to make Clarkson forget about his desire for a disturbing threesome with him and May, and so that was done too, and all was well in the world.

May continued to go to Hogglesbrook without too many horrible memories marring the experience, and although Harriet never quite shook off the mental scars of seeing Clarkson's Impossibly Evil Grin (a grin so evil that it should perhaps have been taken to prison years ago) on her face, or the incredible embarrassing-ness of his teenage-girl impressions, she was able to watch him on television without wanting to strangle him.

Jeremy was of course very pleased that he had a fangirl, and often mentioned it to annoy Hammond, which resulted in glaring and misery and irritation, until one day, in the middle of one particularly long speech, Hammond leapt up and kissed him, and when Clarkson gave him a startled glance, he snapped, "Well, you said tongues were a good alternative to gobstoppers, Jeremy."

May raised an eyebrow at Jeremy's gobsmacked expression and said, "I think you may have found a surefire way of shutting him up, Richard. You'll have to try that again." Oddly enough, neither Richard nor Jeremy seemed to mind, and nor did they mind when May began to try it also. And so they all lived happily-enough ever, and thankfully no-one had to suffer the indignity of being Jeremy Clarkson ever again, and even more thankfully, Jeremy never became a teenage girl again. Which was very, very good. Although he still wanted that purse.

(Hooray! It is finished!)

Hee! I was quite sad that Clarkson forgot about his obsession with threesomes, but then there was kissing anyway, so joy! And thank God for Jeremy never becoming a teenage girl again.

This has been gloriously fun to read, and thank you so much for writing it!

Eee, thank you! I absolutely adored writing it, and, er, yes, I think even having a teenagegirl!Clarkson for a day was more than enough. In fact, it was probably too much.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Unless, Of Course, I Am Wrong.

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject