rionaleonhart | The Answer Is kadrin/George Carruthers.

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The Answer Is kadrin/George Carruthers.

I keep wanting to make a poll with questions like 'WHAT IS THE TRUE LIVEJOURNAL OTP?

thebaconfat/

squeemu,

ladybella/

tick_,

jantalaimon/evil/

draegonhawke,

rionaleonhart/crack/

dracothelizard, etc.' and 'WRITE A 250-CHARACTER REAL-PERSON FANFIC ABOUT SOMEONE ON YOUR FRIENDSLIST', but I fear that it would be far too creepy. Also, I don't want to give you frightening frightening people any excuse to send me into Silent Hill.

So, instead, I am going to wonder aloud why on Earth I haven't written a Top Gear/Silent Hill crossover involving Zombie Piers Morgan yet. I mean, honestly.

Actually, I have a question for you all. There are two 'fandom injokes' I know of in the Top Gear fandom: Zombie Piers Morgan, and the idea of Jonathan Ross writing terrible Top Gear fanfiction. These are recurring concepts in the fandom, despite the fact that they never appear in 'canon' (which is, of course, real life): Zombie Piers Morgan will pop up in fanfics and discussions; people will write hilariously dreadful fanfiction 'by' Jonathan Ross (in fact, he now has his own journal:

wossy60).

Do any of your fandoms have injokes shared by the entire community? What are they? Do you know the origins?

I'd imagine that they might be more likely to develop in fairly smallish fandoms, but I could be wrong.

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"I have something to tell you," Draco said, inwardly wincing at being forced to use such a clichéd line. "I think..."

She trailed off. It was, admittedly, difficult to tell with the undead, but she thought that Morgan looked even paler than usual.

"Are you all right?"

"Apart from the undead thing, I'm marvellous. What were you going to tell me?"

"I'm - "

"You're not pregnant, are you?"

She stared at him. "No."

"Ah. Good."

There was a brief silence.

"I am."

*DIES LAUGHING*

BECAUSE OBVIOUSLY I WOULD JOKE ABOUT PREGNANCY TO A ZOMBIE, WELL DONE SELF.

Perhaps fic!me is trying to piss Piers off into killing her?

Honestly, self, why on Earth didn't you use a condom?

you were scared to put it on in case the friction broke off the zombie cock?

*flees*

No, no, Piers is the one who's pregnant.

Oh, thank God. (see, see, you've driven me to being happy about Pregnant Zombie Piers Morgan!)

It might've been a bit clearer if you had a 'and then she fainted upon hearing the news' or something, but I probably should've read it better.

"No, hang on, shouldn't we use a condom?"

Piers suddenly looked very sheepish. "Well, I had a couple of condoms with me, but, well, a few of my fingers have fallen off and I needed somewhere to keep them, so..."

Draco winced. "Right. Er, the zombie virus can't be sexually transmitted, can it?"

"No," Morgan said. "I'd have to bite you. Which means that I'll have to be somewhat restrained in the heat of passion, but I can probably manage that."

"That's... good to know, I guess. I don't think I'll get pregnant if I have sex with a zombie, and I'll be very surprised if you do. We'll probably be all right, won't we?"

LITTLE DID THEY KNOW.

EXCUSE ME, SELF, WHY ARE YOU SEEMINGLY CONSENTING.

"Which means that I'll have to be somewhat restrained in the heat of passion, but I can probably manage that."

*wibbles a lot*

See, and this is why women should also carry condoms.

See, and this is why women should also carry condoms.

Especially during a zombie apocalypse!

AND YOU ARE CONSENTING BECAUSE YOUR LOVE FOR ZOMBIE PIERS MORGAN IS TRUE AND DEEP AND BEAUTIFUL LIKE A POOL OF BEAUTIFUL DEEP WATER THAT IS ALSO TRUE.

I'm going to assume that fic!me is high and hallucinating.

"Wait," Morgan said. "I just need to know: are you high and hallucinating?"

Draco paused half-way through unbuttoning her jeans. "That's a slightly random question, isn't it?"

Morgan shrugged. "I suddenly felt compelled to ask. And, being at least remotely decent, I wouldn't want to feel that I was taking advantage."

"I'm not," Draco informed him. And she wasn't!

"Draco paused half-way through unbuttoning her jeans."

Well, fic!me is clearly an utterly deranged LUNATIC.

Not unlike the real-life you!

I should really go to bed around now. You know, I'm almost going to be disappointed if you haven't enacted some sort of deranged fic-revenge by the time I wake up.

You can't imply that the real-life would willingly have sex with Zombie Piers Morgan!

I'm considering guilting you into writing Top Gear/The Young Ones.

"Hang on," said Draco, when the zombie announced his pregnancy. "Why were you worried whether or not I might be pregnant? We never actually, y'know, did it."

Zombie Piers nodded, remembering the interruption from Top Gear Dog, who had barked at him, and due to a sudden movement his penis had fallen off. Draco had showed no inclination to sow it back on, especially after the dog had eaten it and thrown it up later. "You might've got pregnant and thought it was from me, somehow."

"Right," Draco said, quietly questioning his sanity. "So, who's the, er, other parent of your baby, then?"

"Clarkson is," Zombie Piers replied glumly. "I knew I should never have had unprotected sex with him as part of my revenge."

Draco felt briefly jealous at the revelation that Morgan and Clarkson had shagged, because she did still fancy Morgan's slowly-decaying arse off, but reassured herself with the thought that she would be able to force Riona to write about it later and that she could always have a passionate affair with Top Gear Dog in return.

She also mused on how, easy as it was to ignore the 'AND THEN THEY HAD DISTURBING ZOMBIE SEX' in the first instalment of Draco and Zombie Piers Morgan's Tale of Love, it didn't stop it being true.

(reposted for comment title)

*howls*

"So, when's the wedding, then?" Draco asked, ignoring her strange feelings of jealousy and lust. "I'd quite like to be invited."

"What?" Zombie Piers asked. "Whose wedding?"

"Between you and Clarkson. You don't want to be a single parent, do you? I'd at least sue him and demand allimony, or something. How does British law work?"

"I, er, am not entirely sure," Zombie Piers confessed. He had to admit that the idea of marrying Clarkson was an excellent one. It would certainly make his revenge complete.

"Maybe you should just ask him to marry you first," Draco prompted. "Romantically, of course."

"I'm not entirely sure if I want to married to Clarkson," Zombie Piers said. "He'd be probably a bad father."

"Also, is this the time to mention that I've had my body swapped with Riona?" Draco asked. "All this time? Ever since the first installment, in fact?"

WGGFjhgmjghshnhnfgmghnbdsgjjmhsbdjkhbfjhbfYOU ARE THE WORST PERSON EVER.

But good Lord, I can't stop laughing.

"YOU ARE THE WORST PERSON EVER."

WELL IT SERVES YOU RIGHT.

Mwuhahaha.

I just chocked on my sandwich...

But after recovering from the first shock, I find this rather entertaining.

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The Answer Is kadrin/George Carruthers.

DRACO/ZOMBIE PIERS MORGAN II: ONCE MORE, WITH ZOMBIE BABIES

Re: DRACO/ZOMBIE PIERS MORGAN II: ONCE MORE, WITH ZOMBIE BABIES

Re: DRACO/ZOMBIE PIERS MORGAN II: ONCE MORE, WITH ZOMBIE BABIES

Re: DRACO/ZOMBIE PIERS MORGAN II: ONCE MORE, WITH ZOMBIE BABIES

Re: DRACO/ZOMBIE PIERS MORGAN II: ONCE MORE, WITH ZOMBIE BABIES

Re: DRACO/ZOMBIE PIERS MORGAN II: ONCE MORE, WITH ZOMBIE BABIES

Draco/Zombie Piers Morgan III: Why They Didn't Use A Condom

Re: Draco/Zombie Piers Morgan III: Why They Didn't Use A Condom

Re: Draco/Zombie Piers Morgan III: Why They Didn't Use A Condom

Re: Draco/Zombie Piers Morgan III: Why They Didn't Use A Condom

Draco/Zombie Piers Morgan IV: Ruining Draco's Sanity-Preserving Theories for Fun and Profit

Re: Draco/Zombie Piers Morgan IV: Ruining Draco's Sanity-Preserving Theories for Fun and Profit

Re: Draco/Zombie Piers Morgan IV: Ruining Draco's Sanity-Preserving Theories for Fun and Profit

Re: Draco/Zombie Piers Morgan V: Convenient and Never Before Mentioned Plottwists!

Draco/Zombie Piers Morgan VI: But Their Love Is Still Pure and True.

Re: Draco/Zombie Piers Morgan VII: In Which Draco Insists On A Clarkson/Morgan Wedding

Re: Draco/Zombie Piers Morgan VIII: But Their Love Is Still Pure and True.

Re: Draco/Zombie Piers Morgan VIII: But Their Love Is Still Pure and True.

Re: Draco/Zombie Piers Morgan VIII: But Their Love Is Still Pure and True.

Re: Draco/Zombie Piers Morgan V: Convenient and Never Before Mentioned Plottwists!