Riona (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
rionaleonhart) wrote2007-08-22 09:49 pm
rionaleonhart) wrote2007-08-22 09:49 pm
Up To Thirteen Inches, If You're Curious.
Today, my father came into the room and proudly handed me a printout listing all the different dimensions he's seen attributed to Harry Potter's penis in fanfiction. I just thought you should know.
Anyway!![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
thebaconfat did this meme a couple of weeks ago and said she wanted everyone else to do it, and I've just about managed to work up the courage to go hunting for my fics.
When you see this, post a little weensy excerpt from as many random works-in-progress as you can find lying around. Who knows? Maybe inspiration will burst forth and do something, um, inspiration-y.
Let's go! (The only ones of these that really have a chance of being finished are the Alex/Jess/Paul and Jack/Fran/Balthier ones, I should warn you. Also, these are by no means all the unfinished fics I have lying around.)
The Real Hustle, Alex/Jess/Paul:
Jess turns and sees him. "Alex! I was just talking to Paul about, well..."
She trails off, and grins sheepishly, and twirls a strand of hair around her fingers. Alex looks to Paul, in the hope that he will be slightly more enlightening.
"She's hustled my heart," Paul says, solemnly, and then they both burst out laughing at the look of abject horror on Alex's face.
"Nobody should be allowed to say that," he says. "And, er, what do you mean?"
Doctor Who/Scrubs, Martha/JD, set in the year between 'The Sound of Drums' and 'Last of the Time Lords'. Idea courtesy oflakester.
She found herself working on cauterising Toclafane-inflicted wounds with a young man, pale and exhausted-looking but still apparently with enough optimism in reserve to give her a friendly grin and speak to her quite cheerfully. She appreciated it; it had been difficult to find anyone capable of mustering a smile over the past few months.
He listened to her story with a wide-eyed, open-mouthed astonishment she would have expected of someone a third of his age.
"You've been into space?" he asked, failing to suppress his enormous grin and so causing the patient he had just informed would be losing her arm to give him a rather put-out look. "Really?"
"Really," she said, smiling despite the situation; his enthusiasm was infectious.
"I've always wanted to be an astronaut," he said, gazing wistfully into the distance. "You just know the only reason they say the moon isn't made of cheese is because none of them have ever tried tasting it."
Martha was rather perplexed by this, but decided that it would probably be better not to ask about it.
Time-Travelling Sky Pirates of Ivalice: Final Fantasy XII/Doctor Who, Balthier/Fran/Captain Jack Harkness:
“You’ve never used any bladed weapons?” Balthier repeats, sceptically.
“Look,” Jack protests, “I’ve never exactly urgently needed to learn. I’ve always had my sonic blaster.” He pauses, then says, rather wistfully, “Wish the guards hadn’t taken it off me.”
“Had they left it with you,” Balthier observes, “they would have been more than foolish enough for you to escape on your own, and we would never have met the invaluable third member of our little team. And we couldn’t have that, could we? Now: to swordsmanship.”
“Couldn’t I use a gun instead?” Jack asks, looking at the holster on Balthier’s hip.
Balthier looks at him in incredulity. “You want me to lend you my weapon?” he asks, in the sort of disbelieving tone he might have used if Jack had asked to borrow one of his legs for a couple of days.
“Maybe not yours,” Jack says, hastily, “but I could buy one for myself, couldn’t I?”
Balthier considers him for a moment. “Even if you’re planning to use a gun, you should probably at least know how to wield a sword,” he says, eventually. “Good guns are difficult to come by, and you’ll often find that the bladed weapons on sale are more effective.”
“Swords are more powerful than guns here?” Jack asks, half-laughing. “What kind of place is this?”
“A place in which, if you do carry a gun, your foes are like to sorely underestimate you,” Balthier says, smirking, and he brushes his fingers fondly over the holster. “Shall we begin your lessons?”
Scrubs, JD/Cox. The idea was that this would be a Cox-perspective follow-up to My Demands. I wrote this, ooh, at least a year ago.
"Dr. Cox!"
I look up and groan. Kelly is walking this way with a slightly alarming spring in her step, grinning like an idiot. I don't know what she's so happy about, but I'm pretty sure that it can't mean anything good.
"I saw you talking to the Janitor," she says, practically skipping on the spot. "Ha! I knew you cared about me!"
...dammit.
I try to salvage the situation. "Look, Jeanette, I don't know what relationships are like in the Land of Puppydogs and Unicorns, but here in reality you should know that, just because a guy doesn't particularly want you to be assaulted by Hell's Janitor, it doesn't mean he gives a damn."
There is a long, confused pause, during which I mentally re-evaluate what I just said and resolve to slam my head into a wall as soon as possible.
"I mean, you know, if you're always being handcuffed to – handcuffed to – " right, this is not a good direction to go and it'd be best not to continue it – "if the janitor's always holding you up, how are you supposed to answer my summons on time?"
"So..." it's all about the patients, Newbie, it's about the patients, shut up about it and walk away now – "you want the Janitor to torment me less because you want to spend more time with me?"
Oh, for God's sake.
She looks at me with her eyes all a-sparkle, and she's just so damn cute and hopeful and puppy-eyed that it almost makes me feel bad – or at least a little less gleeful – that I'm just about to crush all of her dreams.
You see, Sarah Jane – and I don't say this very often, so listen closely or you'll miss it – Sarah Jane, although she certainly has the heart and soul of a teenage girl, bless her, is actually male; physically, at least. And I don't go for the males. I do not. Maybe she'd have had a better chance if she'd been born the gender God intended – although she'd still be a giggling idiot of a lapdog, and in any case this train of thought is just a li-hi-hittle bit creepy and I'm going to be derailing it right about now – but as it is...
"No," I say, firmly. "No," and then I say it about twenty times more at ever-increasing speed and volume, just to make a-habsolutely sure that she's completely clear on what my feelings on the matter are. Now, you might think that nobody could need anything to be drilled into their mind that much, but if you do I have only this to say to you: you've obviously never met Newbie.
Doctor Who, Master/Doctor:
"The two renegade Time Lords, all alone in time and space," the Master murmurs into his ear. "And now we have each other. Or, more accurately, I have you."
Finally, a fic idea I found scribbled in one of my notebooks and don't remember thinking of at all:
Balthier and Fran are thrown into 1973. Balthier proposes stealing an airship; there are, of course, no airships. Then they meet Gene Hunt. Awesomeness ensues.
Yes.
Anyway!
thebaconfat did this meme a couple of weeks ago and said she wanted everyone else to do it, and I've just about managed to work up the courage to go hunting for my fics.When you see this, post a little weensy excerpt from as many random works-in-progress as you can find lying around. Who knows? Maybe inspiration will burst forth and do something, um, inspiration-y.
Let's go! (The only ones of these that really have a chance of being finished are the Alex/Jess/Paul and Jack/Fran/Balthier ones, I should warn you. Also, these are by no means all the unfinished fics I have lying around.)
The Real Hustle, Alex/Jess/Paul:
Jess turns and sees him. "Alex! I was just talking to Paul about, well..."
She trails off, and grins sheepishly, and twirls a strand of hair around her fingers. Alex looks to Paul, in the hope that he will be slightly more enlightening.
"She's hustled my heart," Paul says, solemnly, and then they both burst out laughing at the look of abject horror on Alex's face.
"Nobody should be allowed to say that," he says. "And, er, what do you mean?"
Doctor Who/Scrubs, Martha/JD, set in the year between 'The Sound of Drums' and 'Last of the Time Lords'. Idea courtesy of
lakester.She found herself working on cauterising Toclafane-inflicted wounds with a young man, pale and exhausted-looking but still apparently with enough optimism in reserve to give her a friendly grin and speak to her quite cheerfully. She appreciated it; it had been difficult to find anyone capable of mustering a smile over the past few months.
He listened to her story with a wide-eyed, open-mouthed astonishment she would have expected of someone a third of his age.
"You've been into space?" he asked, failing to suppress his enormous grin and so causing the patient he had just informed would be losing her arm to give him a rather put-out look. "Really?"
"Really," she said, smiling despite the situation; his enthusiasm was infectious.
"I've always wanted to be an astronaut," he said, gazing wistfully into the distance. "You just know the only reason they say the moon isn't made of cheese is because none of them have ever tried tasting it."
Martha was rather perplexed by this, but decided that it would probably be better not to ask about it.
Time-Travelling Sky Pirates of Ivalice: Final Fantasy XII/Doctor Who, Balthier/Fran/Captain Jack Harkness:
“You’ve never used any bladed weapons?” Balthier repeats, sceptically.
“Look,” Jack protests, “I’ve never exactly urgently needed to learn. I’ve always had my sonic blaster.” He pauses, then says, rather wistfully, “Wish the guards hadn’t taken it off me.”
“Had they left it with you,” Balthier observes, “they would have been more than foolish enough for you to escape on your own, and we would never have met the invaluable third member of our little team. And we couldn’t have that, could we? Now: to swordsmanship.”
“Couldn’t I use a gun instead?” Jack asks, looking at the holster on Balthier’s hip.
Balthier looks at him in incredulity. “You want me to lend you my weapon?” he asks, in the sort of disbelieving tone he might have used if Jack had asked to borrow one of his legs for a couple of days.
“Maybe not yours,” Jack says, hastily, “but I could buy one for myself, couldn’t I?”
Balthier considers him for a moment. “Even if you’re planning to use a gun, you should probably at least know how to wield a sword,” he says, eventually. “Good guns are difficult to come by, and you’ll often find that the bladed weapons on sale are more effective.”
“Swords are more powerful than guns here?” Jack asks, half-laughing. “What kind of place is this?”
“A place in which, if you do carry a gun, your foes are like to sorely underestimate you,” Balthier says, smirking, and he brushes his fingers fondly over the holster. “Shall we begin your lessons?”
Scrubs, JD/Cox. The idea was that this would be a Cox-perspective follow-up to My Demands. I wrote this, ooh, at least a year ago.
"Dr. Cox!"
I look up and groan. Kelly is walking this way with a slightly alarming spring in her step, grinning like an idiot. I don't know what she's so happy about, but I'm pretty sure that it can't mean anything good.
"I saw you talking to the Janitor," she says, practically skipping on the spot. "Ha! I knew you cared about me!"
...dammit.
I try to salvage the situation. "Look, Jeanette, I don't know what relationships are like in the Land of Puppydogs and Unicorns, but here in reality you should know that, just because a guy doesn't particularly want you to be assaulted by Hell's Janitor, it doesn't mean he gives a damn."
There is a long, confused pause, during which I mentally re-evaluate what I just said and resolve to slam my head into a wall as soon as possible.
"I mean, you know, if you're always being handcuffed to – handcuffed to – " right, this is not a good direction to go and it'd be best not to continue it – "if the janitor's always holding you up, how are you supposed to answer my summons on time?"
"So..." it's all about the patients, Newbie, it's about the patients, shut up about it and walk away now – "you want the Janitor to torment me less because you want to spend more time with me?"
Oh, for God's sake.
She looks at me with her eyes all a-sparkle, and she's just so damn cute and hopeful and puppy-eyed that it almost makes me feel bad – or at least a little less gleeful – that I'm just about to crush all of her dreams.
You see, Sarah Jane – and I don't say this very often, so listen closely or you'll miss it – Sarah Jane, although she certainly has the heart and soul of a teenage girl, bless her, is actually male; physically, at least. And I don't go for the males. I do not. Maybe she'd have had a better chance if she'd been born the gender God intended – although she'd still be a giggling idiot of a lapdog, and in any case this train of thought is just a li-hi-hittle bit creepy and I'm going to be derailing it right about now – but as it is...
"No," I say, firmly. "No," and then I say it about twenty times more at ever-increasing speed and volume, just to make a-habsolutely sure that she's completely clear on what my feelings on the matter are. Now, you might think that nobody could need anything to be drilled into their mind that much, but if you do I have only this to say to you: you've obviously never met Newbie.
Doctor Who, Master/Doctor:
"The two renegade Time Lords, all alone in time and space," the Master murmurs into his ear. "And now we have each other. Or, more accurately, I have you."
Finally, a fic idea I found scribbled in one of my notebooks and don't remember thinking of at all:
Balthier and Fran are thrown into 1973. Balthier proposes stealing an airship; there are, of course, no airships. Then they meet Gene Hunt. Awesomeness ensues.
Yes.
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Your dad = AWESOMEST PARENT EVER!!!
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He is! He'd even written a 'This Is A Serious Discussion' paragraph at the top:
HOW BIG IS HARRY'S PENIS?
It is inevitable, you may think utterly predictable, that fans have widely different opinions about this vital question. JK herself skirts around the issue when six of his comrades are transformed into his bodily image by Polyjuice Potion. 'He felt like asking them to show a little more respect for his privacy as they all began stripping off with impunity.' So Harry is modest - but does he have much to be modest about?
(cue lots of fanfiction quotes about Harry's cock.)
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Wait wait wait. Are we talking measurements or planes of existence here?
(it probably says something about HP fandom that I have to ask these things)
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I laughed but carried on reading - I read The Real Hustle fic (which, by the way, is great and I want more
and I blame you entirely for me noticing that threesome more lately) - I then spotted the title and actually laughed loud enough that mum heard me and shouted to see what had happened. You dad sounds awesome.no subject
(My dad is insane and I love him for it.)
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AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
AWESOME.
"Nobody should be allowed to say that,"
I lol'd.
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I have to admit, I was utterly overcome by shame as soon as I wrote 'She's hustled my heart' in my notebook. I don't think I'd ever have been able to look myself in the eye again if I'd actually used it seriously.
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Your father is insane. INSANE.
*wonders if there's a difference between het and slash when it comes to penis-length*
JD/Martha would be the most adorable thing EVER. And your Cox-perspective frightens me and he is SO in denial.
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Hmmm. Well, the statistics from my dad's quick research:
Slash: 'thick and short', 'a little wilted', 'small', 'thick', 'only (I'm not joking; it does actually say "only") slightly more than thirteen inches'.
Het: 'six-inch', 'foot-long'.
There's not as much of it, but apparently het wins!
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...
OUCH.
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The fanfic is actually titled 'Harry Potter and the Enormous Penis'.
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ASDLASJD WHAT.
Maybe that's why Harry and Draco are so stupid sometimes? All the blood is busy elsewhere and their brains are deprived?
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*also entitled "the comments to this post"
Is it odd that the clip I liked most was the JD/Cox one? Given that I've never seen Scrubs? It had very clear character voice, lots of humour, lots of great lines.
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I sort of miss writing for Scrubs, actually, just because the characters were so much fun (the crossover with House was an absolute joy to write, if you ignore all the frantic disease-researching). But it's been far too long, and I'd probably be horribly rusty if I tried to write for it now. Alas.
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WHAT? There are so many levels to that WHAT? that I'm not sure where to start. Something to do with "father", "proudly", "handed me", "printout", "listing all the different dimensions", "Harry Potter's penis", and "fanfiction". I think you can probably tell where I'm going with this, no? :D
Oh, and your Martha/JD sounds awesome, as does that one single, solitary, very lonely little line of Master/Doctor. I love the way you can just toss out a simple little line and there's just so much that you put into it.
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I think I may have been mentally prepared already after reading the title.
Grigori Rasputin was only credited with twelve, how much more could people want?
there are, of course, no airships. is, for some reason I can't quite ascertain, absolutely brilliant, I love the way you describe fics when you're noting down ideas for them.
I need to get around to playing FFXII. *Is eaten by the game backlog of doom.*
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I am not entirely certain of why he felt compelled to do this.
I need to get around to playing FFXII.
I approve very much of this plan! Do you realise how much you're missing out on by not having met Balthier and Fran yet?
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Oh my gosh I cannot wait to read more, you gotta post soon!
Balthier is once again giving tutorials!
“You want me to lend you my weapon?” he asks, in the sort of disbelieving tone he might have used if Jack had asked to borrow one of his legs for a couple of days.
Heeeeeeeeeee you are so so brilliant.
“A place in which, if you do carry a gun, your foes are like to sorely underestimate you,” Balthier says, smirking, and he brushes his fingers fondly over the holster.
akajskfksdfkfklsdfklsgdfjkkf I heart you more than words can say.
And your Dr. Cox is wonderful.
in the Land of Puppydogs and Unicorns
WONDERFUL.
"No," I say, firmly. "No," and then I say it about twenty times more at ever-increasing speed and volume, just to make a-habsolutely sure that she's completely clear on what my feelings on the matter are.
kjasjkdksakdff such a perfect Dr. Cox. If you don't post more fic soon, I will cry.
You dad sounds totally awesome.
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AAAAAAH I AM SO STUCK ON THE BALTHIER/JACK/FRAN THING. I just don't know how to actually have them being awesome and stealing things! I keep delaying it with sword tutorials and weapon-acquisition issues and 'what do you mean you don't know any magicks?'
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{I am so excited to read all of those things, and I KNOW HAVING PLOT AND ACTUAL THINGS HAPPENING IS SO HARD, please let me know if there's anything I can do to help!)
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Today, my father came into the room and proudly handed me a printout listing all the different dimensions he's seen attributed to Harry Potter's penis in fanfiction.
...any particular reason why?
Also, these are by no means all the unfinished fics I have lying around.
Then you must post them! Post-haste! Also vjkdfhjhg you posted Scrubs fic SO MUCH YAY.
I am interested to see what occurs with the The Real Hustle fic. Also, 'she's hustled my heart' is gloriously cheesy.
Hee, the time-travelling sky pirates are awesome in spite of my only having heard of a third of them! WIN.
AND THE SCRUBS FIC OMG.
The Land Of Puppydogs And Unicorns! I HAVE MISSED YOUR DOCTOR COX SO, HE IS A THING OF GENIUS. And he really must face up to his all-consuming love for JD.
And the headwall! Oh, Doctor Cox does love his headwall.
"I mean, you know, if you're always being handcuffed to – handcuffed to – " right, this is not a good direction to go and it'd be best not to continue it – "if the janitor's always holding you up, how are you supposed to answer my summons on time?"
HE IS SO BEAUTIFULLY IN DENIAL. 'The janitor's always holding you up' is a glorious euphemism and he is trying so hard and it is amazing and fantastic and ACK IS THERE ANY MORE UNFINISHED SCRUBS FIC? A LINE WOULD DO. IT IS SO AWESOME I MAY CRY. ...that made sense in my head.
"it's all about the patients, Newbie, it's about the patients, shut up about it and walk away now"
I LOVE HIM SO MUCH. And the anger and the glorious writing and the perfect italics and WHY DOES HE NOT KISS HIM ALREADY JHVDFIU??!!!
And JD! Oh, JD is so hopeful, and adorable and they are THE MOST WONDERFUL THINGS IN THE WORLD. How does he get to that conclusion? JD IS THE MOST OPTIMISTIC PERSON EVER, AWWW.
She looks at me with her eyes all a-sparkle, and she's just so damn cute and hopeful and puppy-eyes
JD is adorable. Clearly Dr. Cox is writing shiny pretty poetry in his head because he loves JD with all his soul. Much like I love this ficsnippet.
or at least a little less gleeful
I LOVE HOW YOU ARE KEEPING HIM IN CHARACTER. I want to run onto the parking lot with them (probably they are in the hospital and not the parking lot, but I can't seem to stop imagining them in the parking lot, so they're there) and DANCE WITH GLEE. Possibly Dr. Cox would yell at me. IT WOULD BE MARVELLOUS.
Nooo, Dr. Cox, of course you don't go for the males. NEVER. And the word elongation and it is wonderful and I love how he is explaining it to us. IT IS JUST GREAT.
HE SAYS IT OVER AND OVER AGAIN. SO MUCH GLEE. The denial, it is deep in this one. And it is because we have NEVER MET NEWBIE I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM OMG I WANT TO APPLAUD HIM. MAJOR GLEE. I LOVE YOU AND YOU MUST HAVE MORE SNIPPETS OR RE-DISCOVER SCRUBS IN ORDER TO WRITE INSANE CROSSOVERS AND EVERYONE IN THE WORLD WILL BE HAPPY. Because it is brilliant. I may WEEP WITH JOY.
DOCTOR/MASTER. DOCTOR/MASTER. B-but your master!voice is perfect like a Bugatti Veyron and he is so controlling and perfect and LOVE AND HEARTS AND KEYBOARD SMASHING THERE IS MORE SOMEWHERE YES?
I think I have been creepy enough now. Also I love how the comments in the next post are total awesome crack. It is SO AWESOME.
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Thank you so much! Your reviews always make me so utterly joyful. And it is incredibly lovely for you to comment on fanfiction for things you haven't even seen! And 'perfect like a Bugatti Veyron' I LOVE YOUR DESCRIPTIONS SO MUCH.
Tomorrow, I will look for any other Scrubs ficsnippets and send them to you! (Unless I forget, in which case you should e-mail me and point out my rubbishness.)
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Also I somehow missed the Martha/JD, which is clearly wrong of me, and therefore shall point out that JD could not be more adorable if he ACTIVELY TRIED, and that I am considering e-mailing RTD to ask WHY OH WHY this was not in the season finale. JD and Martha are the best double act ever.