bironic: Neil Perry gazing out a window at night (Default)
[personal profile] bironic
Funny, I had assumed no one would be interested in this one. Should have known better.

contains talk of negative body image, weight and fitness )

Is this weird to post about? It feels weird to post about in a mainly fannish/media space. And this is only the summary version of things.

I'd better do it before I think twice. Or ten times, heh.

(no subject)

Oct. 22nd, 2017 10:25 pm
apiphile: (fuck your ideals)
[personal profile] apiphile
The Excruciating Tired has landed on me today. I spent my bus journey trying to worry out the structure of an app I can't code anyway in the hopes that if I'm pedantic about it somehow it will cause the code to appear somewhere.

Friend C asked me what NaNo is about this year:

mad multi-reality thing very firmly set in and about london/s and riffing on the idea that ideas create realities (literally in this case) and destroy them

with a big dose of complicated internal politics, a lot of people not knowing what the fuck they're doing, entitled assholes screwing everything up, and evasive gays with a Past refusing to deal with their issues because really why would i write a book if i couldn't put myself in the middle of it?

[I tried to find some drop-in yoga sessions but they only appear to have been LAST month. I tried to find holidays to Jordan for single travellers but they're all operated by dodgy people. But I could conceivably do a tour of three major Italian cities. So that's something]

Shit I probably don't need to spend time doing includes: learning entirely new software/coding language for the sole purpose of making really ugly noises from scratch but I've wanted to do granular synthesis ever since I found out it existed so. That's a thing.

"Hedgehogs" as a word gave me some bad bleakness earlier because LOL KASPER'S STILL DEAD. I do have a reasonable amount of faith that not dwelling in constant darkness with The Fucking News and being on buses all my waking hours might recover some of my sanity soon though.

(no subject)

Oct. 22nd, 2017 09:21 pm
jekesta: Franky Doyle's prisoner picture (Franky)
[personal profile] jekesta
Spoilers for the latest episode of MacGyver. )

Food from Gousto )

The gousto website is here if you want to try them yourself. My code is embedded in there. If you use it you'll get 50% off your first two boxes, and I get a bit of money off my next box too. The cheapest boxes have two meals for two, and will cost about £25, so at half price you'll get four meals for £13. Which is not bad, and honestly the food is Very Lovely.

It looks at first a bit like one of those things where you have to sign up to get food all the time every week - you very much don't. I just get a box now and then, when I can't think of ANYTHING to cook or when there is money in my account. (Delivery is really easy because they come in boxes that stay refrigerated for anywhere up to 24 hours. They just leave mine in the back garden for me for when I get home from work.)

Harvey Weinstein

It's so frustrating watching some of the reactions to the whole Harvey Weinstein thing. Because obviously it's brilliant, and I do think it might make a tiny start to a slow steady change in a fucked up fucked up fucked up industry. But oh god you can just see and watch in real time as it doesn't quite stick and people shy away from it.

People go 'oh wow that man is TERRIBLE' and you wait, and they go '...and if he's terrible, oh god, maybe, you don't think, might, maybe might those other three men be terrible too??????' and you wait, and you get '...oh my god I can't believe it's so many men, like that entire section of men over there is awful, I'm so shocked...' and you wait, and you're hopeful, and you're waiting. 'I've really loved seeing all the wonderful things some guys have been posting on twitter, it really gives me hope...' No. Stop it. Fuck off. They're doing a bare minimum and they probably don't mean it, that's literally the whole point of the story, that men support this whole system, it's dicks all the way down. You can't just hate the three men at the top of a pyramid of terrible men, and then feel like you achieved anything. I know 'feminists don't hate men' sounds all very good and everything, but...

I'm too tired to write this properly. I just don't know why women find it so hard to hate men. Men find it so easy to hate women.

I'm too tired to disclaim.
batman: Dana Icarusia from Ys VIII: Lacrimosa of Dana (the tomboy Maiden)
[personal profile] batman
Hey, who remembers me saying that I wasn't going to be playing any more Falcom games because I wanted to try out new publishers? Not me, apparently, as last week I finished Ys VIII: Lacrimosa of Dana. I meant to write about this earlier but didn't. I actually really liked the game, which i suppose comes as a surprise to no one.

Lacrimosa of Dana: literal dinosaurs, moonshine, and that one time Adol ruined everything. )

Anyway! I enjoyed the game a lot, though it's not my favourite Ys game (I'm pretty sure that's Ys Origin) and I look forward to seeing what direction it takes the Ys series into for future games. Let's just hope that someone other than NISA localises it.

Next games post will be about Steins;Gate as I have already finished the original VN and have two endings to get before I finish off Steins;Gate 0. It'll mostly be me going "damn this series was made for me I wish I had played it in time to request it for Yuletide". Y'all are all warned. THEN I will do Virtue's Last Reward, as I wanted a break after finishing The Longest Journey in terms of puzzle games. Or I will cave and play the latest Dangan Ronpa game and join you all in protagonist shipping hell.

(no subject)

Oct. 21st, 2017 10:22 pm
apiphile: (henry scott tuke)
[personal profile] apiphile
I'm going to spare you any details of the grim argument I had about money over my very nice dessert and the tiresome warbling I did over my mediocre dinner about the transformative power of translation or reproductions of art, Turkish grammar as I understand it so far, how belly dancing costume mostly exists to help you maintain the correct posture, and Liza's PhD (also Jack's PhD in passing and how much I want to go to Cahoots w/ Jack because I think he'll love it but he's SUCH A FUCKING FLAKE), about how a reproduction of a three dimensional object (in her case a painting) is inherently an editorial choice, which brought me onto translation... no, I will spare you. Here is a photo: the black pudding scotch egg was nice but pretty much everything else was a disappointment at Mac & Wild - it's a bad case of style over substance - and the style is out of date. I may have been mean about things being behind the curve for like, 20 solid loud minutes after we left. And also I saw a fairytale princess carriage someone was getting married in randomly in Soho but the photo came out blurry.

Oh also the first thing I did on waking?

"I just blew my nose, ripping the ball out of my septum ring in the process, which I only noticed after I'd thrown the tissue in the loo, so what I'm saying is autumn continues to be Bad and Wrong."

zarla: newspaper disparaging eiffel 65's musical prowess (eiffel65wooo)
[personal profile] zarla
Ah dang, I was going to post UMOs but I forgot, I'll have to do it later, but I'm gonna head off to see Moro for about ten days or so! I'll be back probably around the beginning of November I think. Hopefully taking a break will help me unwind a little, or alternately get more done, who knows. I MIGHT do a Handplates page but maybe I'll just play Metroid instead. Why isn't the FF Picross game being released in america sob I got addicted to Picross thanks to Pokemon Picross and now I need more to slake my thirst

Also as a note, the Gaster ukagaka is technically done! But I'm doing a small testrun now with some people to try and catch bugs and incorporate feedback, and already I've caught a few fairly serious bugs thanks to their help so it was a good idea. Man the headache it would've caused me if everyone got hit with one of these bugs...
But he'll probably be ready to go by the time I get back, I bet. So you can look forward to that if you're into Ghosts!

I spent way too much time last night on the stupidest little thing. One of the bits of text that comes up randomly if you've asked Gaster about the brothers is that he's checking his phone, and you wonder if he's using that to check on the brothers somehow. Which got to joking about Gaster using a tiny 8bit app to look at them and...

lol papyrus was easy but it was really hard to get sans to fit in such a tiny sprite. AND THEN IT KEPT GOING

of course it did )

(no subject)

Oct. 21st, 2017 08:17 pm
jekesta: Apollo on an alien world (Apollo)
[personal profile] jekesta
- Logging into the tax return website always takes me about three times as long as actually filing a tax return. No login they have ever given me works from one year to the next. So now there is this system where instead of entering a password they sent you through the physical post, you have to login with someone else and prove that you are who you think you are by having a passport and knowing things about your credit history, and then eventually that website vouches for you and tells the government to let you pay tax.

- I haven't posted for ages. The apocalyptic weather day was ages ago now, but it was magnificent and I loved it. The colour was like I was literally inside an oil painting, but an oil painting that was anticipating something awful, and the weather itself was properly alien. It was windy but not really touching me. I loved it. It was genuinely like being under a massive dome on mars where they've terraformed and it's indistinguishable from real world earth, but except ENTIRELY DISTINGUISHABLE. I loved how a few hours later it went all sunny and fresh and pretended nothing was even happening.

- I wish Rita didn't roll in poo so very often.

- I didn't mind nothing happening in Mindhunter for a while, for like five episodes? I was fine when I thought it was building to something. But I've got one episode left now, and I'm just confused. There is no real story. When I say 'it's about two fbi agents in the 70s who realise they should study psychopaths to work out how to catch them so they do that', that is ALL IT IS. That's not like the scenario and then there's a plot I'm being secretive about. I'm being secretive about Olivia Dunham being in it, but that is all. I am too old for tv now? [I've been a bit harsh here. It's fine. It's very watchable. I just struggled to find the last episode, and then I was like 'Do I even need to watch it? Is ANYTHING even going to happen?' And then I wrote this. But like it's fine. It's not hopelessly overly self obsessed, and I suppose actually they have solved a couple of crimes and made up the phrase 'serial killer'. Those are things that happened. It's probably brilliant and I'm just soul dead.]

- This isn't a great article about the sad lack of episodic tv, but it's one of the things that I cling to articles about, so I'm just saying it exists.
nanslice: (Default)
[personal profile] nanslice
Holy crap. Spoilers for the OVA and episodes 1+2 )

So yeah, I love this, I want more. *__*

In other news, I tried to watch Taishou Mebius Line: Chichai-san but I didn't realize each episode was only like five minutes long and frankly the spoilers ) Not going to continue that one.

(no subject)

Oct. 21st, 2017 04:19 am
apiphile: (not enough fart jokes)
[personal profile] apiphile
I was asked to read a poem to demonstrate what I meant about the rhyme only working in my accent.
kalloway: (FE:F Ryoma & Sakura)
[personal profile] kalloway
One from [community profile] lionswap, the other from [community profile] sheithparty's Sheith-a-Palooza~

Shoot First (986 words) by Kalloway
Chapters: 1/1
Fandom: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Characters: Roy Fokker
Additional Tags: Pre-Canon
Summary: Roy Fokker was pretty damned sure that he would rather get shot at on a daily basis than deal with some of the waves of idiotic cadets coming through the Garrison.

(both [personal profile] taichara and I latched onto Roy's cameo in the first episode, and then managed to prompt for him, match each other, and write amusingly similar ideas, because, lol)

All New Star Charts (1192 words) by Kalloway
Chapters: 1/1
Fandom: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Relationships: Keith/Shiro (Voltron)
Characters: Keith (Voltron), Shiro (Voltron)
Additional Tags: Pre-Canon, Stargazing
Summary: Shiro, Keith, and the stars above them.

(aka, last-minute inspiration from my break-time stargazing and finally! learning some new constellations!)

(no subject)

Oct. 21st, 2017 12:08 am
apiphile: (not enough fart jokes)
[personal profile] apiphile
Stuff stuff things stuff gym stuff work being a shit (got a pay raise but it's now under inflation which it wasn't at negotiation but inflation increased) twiddle diddle deeeeeeee spent too long on the bus thinking about dead friends my only solace is overeating twiddle diddle deeeeeeee

Trying to work out a proper blog post about Future Dreaming. Topics to combine, I think so far:

combining small housing design
individual energy generation & insulation
high-level/community automated recycling (re Chris's poo-burning building)
Wi-Fi connectivity/automation
hydroponics & mushrooms etc
behavioural and focus changes (diet especially; insect protein, mushrooms, seaweed)
alternative substances (mushroom insulation material, corn packaging) and GM foods (golden rice, hurricane-resistant beans)
public transport integration
adaptable buildings for floodproofing etc

PLEASE feel free to remind me if I've talked about other stuff.

Media Consumption!

Oct. 20th, 2017 08:56 am
nanslice: (Default)
[personal profile] nanslice
So this TV watching season, I've been watching This is Us (and crying every episode), Law & Order: SVU (frankly watching for Barba and Carisi and their sweet, sweet fashion sense), Channel Zero: No-End House (and being so disturbed, aaaaahhh what the fuck are my eyes looking at), and Fear the Walking Dead (which is over now but The Walking Dead starts Sunday and I'm both hyped and also apprehensive and I hope it's good!). I've also been watching the first season of BuzzFeed's Unsolved Supernatural because it's both spooky and funny.

Tonight I'm going to chech out the fall anime lineup, I think! What I'm interested in watching is Mahoutsukai no Yome, Kino no Tabi, Sengoku Night Blood (ohoho yes), and Taishou Mebius Line: Chichai-san. ...I'll probably also give Dynamic Chord a chance, even though the synopsis and character design takes me straight to the 90s, haha.

This season of anime seems really uninspired as a whole tbh.

I've dropped off on reading, which is always the first thing to go when I'm stressed out, but I'm in the middle of several books that I'd like to finish. I've started Lord of the White Hell, Book Two but I'm really unhappy with some of the character interactions and I'm like well crap. But I'll persevere because I quite like the lead character, hahah.

add light, watch temper flourish

Oct. 19th, 2017 09:38 pm
apiphile: tom hardy as billy prior (ha bloody fucking ha)
[personal profile] apiphile
more energy due to having sun lamps on all the time while i was at home on this gloomy fucking day in which i arrived home in the dark and left in the dark.

A Success

I have finally fucking finished my outline edits, and thrown the entire document into a spiral-bound, and ordered a copy, so I can annotate it while I'm writing, but I cannot FUCK AROUND with it any more for the rest of this month. Leaving me with just research to deal with. I.E. one less thing to worry about. Achievable because I had a microwaveabl meal and rest day today. Anyway. Tomorrow is bench day and I'm already scared bskd vksdhv iahvia I don't like the bench.

Perhaps disappointingly the MAIN thing I am doing with this surplus energy is PICKING FIGHTS ON THE INTERNET but we can't have everything.

Also Holly has successfully a) found me a place that sells prescription coloured contacts in the UK, and b) drawn me some mushrooms and c) also photographed some mushrooms, somewhat adding to the pile of evidence suggesting that "leaving her terrible job and going to study something that energises her" was the right choice.

A Weird

So I switched to bulking on the 9th, yeah? I last recorded a weigh-in on the 5th, yeah? Two weeks ago? And I have dragged my calories per day intake up by about 200 so far (which I can't always meet because training myself out of that very specific number means my instincts about how much I need are off). And because I do 4 days gym a week and it's, barring a 5-8 minute warm-up, all strength not cardio, I am technically doing "less" exercise (I mean, I'm also in the gym for less time), and belly-dance is once a week and calorifically a lot less exacting than my cardio sessions. Like, a LOT.

So I remembered to weigh myself this morning, with the expectation that I would have gained weight and that I can reasonably attribute it to muscle as there has already been a miniscule but numerical increase in my chest and bicep measurements.

I have not in fact gained weight

I have instead LOST exactly 2kg (4.4lb)

Leaving me a whopping 0.6 of a BMI point "overweight".

After I lost a bunch of weight then kept gaining it back while I was *trying* to lose weight.


Anyway must not use this encroaching mania to BUY STUFF as I am still fucking poor.

WOW what a day

Oct. 19th, 2017 02:13 pm
nanslice: (Default)
[personal profile] nanslice
So today I got in my car and started it up to go to work and as I'm driving down the street I realize immediately something's wrong. So I turn around and get back home and lo and behold, I have a completely flat tire. I'd just looked at my tires last night because I've had a slow leak in one, but apparently the leak decided to go ahead and be a fast leak.

So I take the tire off and put the donut on, with plans to drive to Wal-Mart and replace it. Off my mom and I go (because I'd not cashed my check yet, I needed her to pay for the tire and I was going to pay her back) and as I'm driving, something terrible goes wrong. The donut goes completely flat and kind of falling apart???? So I turn into this abandoned looking parking lot and call my sister and tell her what's going on and she tells me she'll come get us.

So we're waiting and this old pickup truck pulled in and this little old man with missing teeth and long hair steps out and was like "y'all got yerselves a flat?" which yeah, and he sees the wheel in the truck of the jeep and was like "I can take yer tire down there to the shop, they got free air there." And I was like shit, yeah, cool, so away he goes with my tire and I go ahead and take the donut off and this other little old man comes walking up and is like "looks like y'all got a flat tire" and tells us he has an air compressor if we need some air so we tell him about the first little old man who came and of course the second old man knows the first old man.

And then this big fancy pickup truck pulls up and in it is another old man who asks if we need help and I tell him that someone else is helping but thanks so much and away he goes.

Anyway the first old man comes back with the tire and then he takes the donut to get air and I put the tire back on (it's hissing and we see a damn nail in it, which is the cause of all the trouble) and follow him to the store where he's putting air in it.

After that, Mom and I head to wal-mart to actually replace the tire because it can't be repaired (the nail is too close to the tire wall, if I repair it it could just burst). We end up hanging around there for an hour and a half waiting for it to be replaced.

Now I'm about to head to my therapy session hahahaHAHAHA.

(But it was very cool that so many people stopped to help)
[personal profile] rosa_heartlily
Our department's boss is the kind of person who wants to make people happy.  So, when a colleague from another department says, 'I'm having an IT-related problem', he says, 'I'll get one of my staff to fix that for you'.  Not, put that in a Helpdesk job and I'll ask the team to look out for it and prioritise it.  Just, 'I'll get it fixed for you'.  And yesterday, he decided that I was the person to fix not just one but TWO random problems, without stopping to think whether I was, in fact, the best person to deal with them.

The first looks like a classic PICNIC (problem in chair not in computer).  Person A creates a document in MSWord that includes a table with merged cells.  Everyone they send this document to can see the table's contents, except for Person B who is a) a VERY senior person in the organisation, and b) a technophobe at the best of times.  Based on this information (seriously, this is ALL I have), I am expected to wave some sort of magic wand and fix it!  I happened to mention out loud that miracles seem to have become part of the final line in my JD about 'any other tasks commensurate with the grade' and accidentally set my team boss on the war path.  Although, I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing.

Anyway, the upshot is that I've asked Person A for the offending document to see if I can see any obvious problems with it and if (when!) I can't, I'll raise a Helpdesk job on behalf of Person B and get it properly investigated.

The second is more doable on the face of it, although I'm sure the person involved knows their way around a MSWord document as well as I do and if they're struggling, I don't know if I'm going to fix it.  Anyway, the issue is that they've formatted a document to the point where all the formatting is now fighting them and it actually looks a bit of a mess.  If all else fails, I can copy and paste the text without the formatting into a new document and then redo the formatting.  We shall see.

And it's not like I have NOTHING to do in terms of my own work.  *sigh*

Oh, but one of my current colleagues really stood up to one of my former colleagues who was rubbishing the solution we've put together for one of the Random-Collection-Of-Bits-And-Pieces-That-Make-A-Project-Honest things.  So, that was a little ray of light.

In gaming news, I finished off the Nightmare Before Christmas episode and the Tron episode in KH2.5.  When we went back to Hollow Bastion, Cloud and Aerith had a Moment.  I just don't know...  Aeris died.  That's how they chose to play it in FFVII.  It feels like fan service to now give Cloud a shot at being with her in ANOTHER franchise.  And what about Tifa?  Who, BTW, bears an uncanny resemblance to one of my colleagues.

I investigated the Absent Silhouette thingy in the Pirates of the Caribbean episode but got beaten up.  I ignored the one in Twilight Town.  I've just done a bit of investigation and, since they are optional bosses, I may continue to ignore them.  I do want to give myself a fighting chance of completing Primal before the end of the year AND I have Nano...

OK, that'll do for now.  Toodles, DW!
bironic: Neil Perry gazing out a window at night (Default)
[personal profile] bironic
Hi, friends. Thanks for voting in the poll! Indecisiveness combined with a general suspicion that everything I say and write these days is stupid banal can lead to extra-long periods of not posting.

I have been all right. Going to the gym 4+ days a week is not my natural inclination, and I still hurt in many places, but it is clear the activity is keeping my mood afloat, helping me sleep better and, yes, building strength and stamina. I took tonight off to browse the local library book sale -- $2 for Neil Clarke's Best Science Fiction of the Year vol. 1 and Whale Rider on DVD, yay -- and write a post.

My sister came to visit over Columbus Day/Indigenous Peoples Day weekend. (Wow, it looks even worse to put those side by side than to use one alone. Wish we could just say Indigenous Peoples Day now, but it hasn't permeated the culture yet.) We went to a book event featuring chef Jacques Pépin, daughter Claudine and granddaughter Shorey. Having grown up watching Pépin, Julia Child and the Frugal Gourmet on PBS, it was a real treat -- especially since he came out twenty minutes early, plastic cup of wine in hand, to do photo ops with anyone who wanted.

The discussion itself was quite funny. Claudine, the moderator, got teased by her dad, but she dished it right back. "Never work with family," she quipped at one point. They told stories about things like how PBS timed its filmings so if Claudine wasn't a fast enough learner at rolling out dough or whatever, Jacques would elbow her out of the way and do it himself. Whereas when he partnered with Julia Child, she just told the film crew, "We're going to make this dish and we'll tell you when we're done," meaning some poor editor had to trim 110 minutes down to 20-something. Nor did they work from recipes, so airings were delayed because the producers had to reverse engineer them.

We also went to the county fair in the rain, figuring the crowds would thin out. Incorrect! Nonetheless, we enjoyed many animals, vegetables and minerals crafts. A pair of goats tried to eat our plastic ponchos, and once again the rabbit and cavy tent drove me to look into how feasible it would be to get a couple of guinea pigs to cuddle at home. (Space, climate control and frequency of cage cleaning & feeding are the main concerns, i.e. I could not be away for more than about a day without arranging for care. And I don't know if I trust my ability to maintain the energy levels to do what's needed. This was easier growing up when we had four family members to share tasks.) LOOK AT ITS LITTLE TRIBBLE TUFTS.

Work has been work-y. We were urged to apply for some awards in our field, which took up most of the last three days. I've won a few in this job, so I'm a bit hopeful. Otherwise just trying to keep my head down and enjoy the aspects of this career that I enjoy while our office's overall stress rises and morale dips. Pretty sure [coworker] is about to quit.

Good news is we still get financial support for professional development. Next week I'm flying to San Francisco for a conference. If any of you have food recommendations in the Union Square/SoMa area, especially for breakfast and lunch, share away. I'm already set on returning to a couple of takeout places in Chinatown for tasty tasty dim sum. Still dreaming of the shrimp and leek dumplings from my first visit there a year and a half ago.

(no subject)

Oct. 18th, 2017 10:20 pm
apiphile: (i hate that thing you love)
[personal profile] apiphile
Things my brain has done today

1. "I am frustrated with doing badly at the gym, therefore I will take this IOC-approved performance-enhancer known as 'a lot of caffeine', do well at the gym". I took the 200mg caffeine pill. I did well at the gym. My brain promptly decided that this was because I was doing it wrong, having apparently forgotten that "cheated by taking drugs" was an option for explaining why things went okay. When reminded of this, it peevishly shouted at me that my form is terrible and I am never going to get any better, my breaks are too long, I probably miscounted on all my sets, and that I'm fat. Reminder re: pain and workouts and life in general to breathe with the thing instead of holding my breath, gritting my teeth, and then being furious when I can't shoulder my way through powered solely with anger.
2. I got the long-awaited referral letter to St Peter's (wangdiddling clinic); hooray, a little less stress? WRONG. "You're going to be so fat by the time they see you they won't give you surgery. They're going to want to know why your choices 'evolved'. They're going to call you a fucking liar. NO SURGERY FOR YOU." Apparently the bradycardia, which is enough to merit mention again, and again, doesn't factor. For. Reasons. Following: obsessive thoughts about how much I will weigh when I go for my revision appointment over the chest surgery. "YOU'RE GOING TO GET FIRED FROM YOUR JOB FOR TAKING TOO MUCH TIME OFF FOR MEDICAL STUFF EVEN THOUGH THAT'S FUCKING ILLEGAL".
3. Having accepted that I wasn't going to have time to type up my outline edits if I got the bus, and that I need to get them recorded because my outline-printing deadline is the 20th, I took the sensible decision to take the train this once. Sat down with the lizard lamp on, did this, expanded on my edits, made some sense of my outline (as usual, days 25-27 are a chaotic mess with increasingly few plot points. generally however this is okay as by then the story is writing itself). Proceeded to beat myself up for... nothing? Literally nothing. Not spending unnecessary money. Not being complacent about my outline. Just generic stress.
4. Things that have actually gone badly today: Landlady emailed us to share her annoyance that our shitass buildings management company will indeed be building a fucking flat on top of our flat therefore making it permanently impossible for me to store my bike anywhere other than in the wardrobe, although they have just fucked off for a fortnight in the middle of stripping the stairs; IMMEDIATE STRESS AND WOE added to by Linds making absolute sure that I fucking knew about this; Tumblr introducing the same garbage algorithm that ruined every other website; everyone and his dog (all of them with family support of course) posting doomy articles about how fucked my country is. Maybe we'll all die soon instead.
5. Got the train, finished my outline edits, beat myself up about how stupid and derivative my story is and how little I know about my characters and how wooden it's going to feel and how no one will want to read it; tried not to dwell on the feeling which surfaced last night of being surrounded by complete strangers (ie, like i don't know the people i live with or the people i am friends with, that i'm completely isolated or alien to it all).
6. Weirdly, no psychological recriminations whatsoever for eating a piggy bao at 4.30am - Lindsay bought me one after we had a row about tax documents followed by him going to see Thor etc. He says he'll take me to see it next week so. That's nice I guess. piggy bao
7. I don't understand why even doing things successfully makes my brain drown itself with overwhelming self-loathing.


I trick myself into coming into work by putting food in the fridge that HAS to be eaten the next day or it will be wasted.


Uh. Oh yeah. FB reminded me indirectly that it's been roughly two years since Doug's cardiac arrest and subsequent hypoxic brain injury so fucking woo hoo.

Ugh also my stupid protein shit was supposed to be delivered today but as usual Yodel and our doorbell and night shift sleep patterns conspired to throw a wrench in the works.

Anyway if I still feel this bad tomorrow I'm calling in sick, even if my brain is screaming at me that they'll think I'm malingering because sick leave this week runs into my holiday allowance and blah blah blah


Who wants to sign up for the readalong of this year's stupid fucking book

I'm not in the right mindset to sell you on this atm.