rionaleonhart | Are You Wearing Anything?

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oz and james

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OKAY, YOU GUYS, SERIOUSLY, OZ AND JAMES'S BIG WINE ADVENTURE IS NOW OFFICIALLY THE GAYEST THING ON TELEVISION. It outstripped Torchwood quite some time ago.

An actual quote from the first four minutes of yesterday's episode:

Oz: I'm moistening my lips. In case, as you often do at this time of the morning, you put the thing onto cruise control, leap on me, smother me with osculation, then get back to your seat and pretend nothing happened.
James: I see.
Oz: Osculation is an excellent activity.

There's also Oz's voiceover saying 'It's the morning after the night before' and the camera panning over discarded underwear on the kitchen floor, and good Lord, they are having so much sex it's unbelievable.

I have a very serious question for you: where is all the Oz/James fanfiction? It may not be the most aesthetically pleasing of pairings, but it is quite clearly the most true.

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ALSO ALSO VIRILITY DISCUSSION HELLO.

I'd like to think that Russell T. Davies is watching it and SEETHING at how much gayer than Torchwood Oz 'n' James are being.

And if I were only into aesthetically pleasing pairings, I would probably only pair up Richard Hammond WITH HIMSELF FROM ANOTHER DIMENSION. Also, I've never actually James/Oz, have I?

Edited 2007-12-12 12:23 (UTC)

I don't think you have written James/Oz! Although you did write a fic in which they pretended to be in a relationship. Obviously this needs to be remedied.

Well, obviously! Right after I finish the cars-as-humans and deal with the second pornbunny.

Also, it wasn't just me who thought that the preview looked like Oz was taking James to a date in a fancy restaurant, right?

Whenever I write Oz/James it turns into angst. There's just something about Oz's tragically wrinkled little face...

I noticed all the strewn clothes as well. It's just.

THEY ARE SODOMITES. There is no other possible explanation. However, I fear their love may be so true, that people fear any fic they write will not do them justice.

By which I mean, brainstorm Oz/James with me and I will probably write some.

I am trying to think of ideas for Oz/James fiction, but I can't! I - I think they have actually used up all the gay and there is none left for fanfiction. This is upsetting!

I could always try and smush together and expand some of the snippets I wrote you? Where...uh, James cooks Oz a romantic dinner and then they have sex in the Mustang? I DON'T KNOW.

The thing about Oz/James is, I utterly could not write it as established relationship. Even though it is! THIS MAKES NO SENSE.

A MILLION THUMBS UP.

Well, I like the alternative far more than established-relationship fic, so I have no problem with that! AND MY FANFICTION TASTES ARE OBVIOUSLY THE RIGHT ONES.

Dear GOD. When is this programme on? I must investigate.

It is on BBC2 at eight o'clock on Tuesdays, although I think there may be only one episode left of the present series. It is about the homosexual adventures of Oz Clarke and James May as they travel around and drink wine and have rampant sex just off-camera, and you can see some clips here.

One day James May will Civilly Unite (Civilly Unionize?) with Oz Clarke, and no one will say anything! Because they're too gay for there to be anything to say.

Seriously, if the slashers are unable to write the gay, and Jeremy Clarkson's unable to mock James for the gay, what kind of freaky super-powers do they have?

If at the end of the U.S. series they decide to take the motorhome up to Vegas and get married, I will not be surprised.

There's also Oz's voiceover saying 'It's the morning after the night before' and the camera panning over discarded underwear on the kitchen floor
I THINK THIS HAPPENED DURING THE TWO MINUTES I MISSED BECAUSE I HAD TO GIVE MONEY TO SOMEONE COLLECTING AT MY DOOR. D: When I came back Oz was failing to make breakfast, I think.

I'm writing one for an Xmas present, if that helps. (Though it'll end up containing porn and angst. Erm, sorry.)

What got me was the "If you were a woman, it'd get in, surely?" comments from James when they were in the mud bath, which IMO rather suggests he's not sure what the (to use a May-ism) 'arrangement of lady bits' is.

Well, to be fair, most heterosexual men don't seem to know what the 'arrangement of lady bits' is either.

I don't, and I'm a woman.

They are the gayest thing to ever hit television. To quote Dara O'Briain, they are "ferociously gay".

I also want the Oz/James fic ~~because Oz is lovely, dammit~~.

Torchwood will be taking tips from this show, no question about it. They're just taking the piss now.

James cornered Oz in the motorhome that evening. "What the hell was that?"
"Pardon?" Oz asked, putting on his best innocent expression.
"That..." James waved his hands around, "osculation rubbish you were talking this morning. What was that about?"
"Well you see, osculation means..." Oz broke off as James grabbed his chin.
"I know what osculation means," James growled. "So do half our viewers. You've just announced on national television that I periodically smother you with kisses. Or complicated geometry problems. While driving. Not the sort of reputation I want to have." James leaned in. "I have a public image to maintain. That of a very safe driver. If you're going to tell the world that I kiss you while driving, I..."
"You'll what?" Oz asked.
James pulled his head back. "I won't do it anymore." He stepped back and turned away.
"I'm sorry." Oz put a hand on James's shoulder. "Forgive me, please?"
"Promise to think before speaking?"
"I promise," Oz said. "I'll behave. Now, about your plan to smother me with geometry..."
James turned around and smiled.

To quote Riona from an above comment, A MILLION THUMBS UP.

You've just announced on national television that I periodically smother you with kisses. Or complicated geometry problems. While driving.

Hee, the 'or complicated geometry problems'! And I love the fact that James' only concern is that it'll damage his reputation as a driver.

Hee, being worried about his safe driver image! And more geometry!

It's not so much the gay that's confusing me, it's the fact that the last vintner they visited (with the outdoor winery) was so obviously some incarnation of the Doctor.

(deleted comment)

I don't know! Maybe there was some sort of alien plot involving wines, and to thwart it he had to settle down on Earth for a while and ferment the perfect formula?

[/appears]
YES! The epic gayness is just astounding! (My *mother* spontaneously compared it to Xena Warrior Princess the only time she saw it!)

RE:torchwood, you do know that the first bit of the next season of that will feature James Marsters (aka Spike from Buffy and Lord Zod in Smallville) snogging John Barrowman? Cos I'm quite, quite excited about it!

(P.S. *toes ground* can I friend you?)

I have heard that, yes. I've, er, watched almost none of Buffy (save the musical episode, which was absolute genius), so this news doesn't affect me quite as much as it does others, but I have been assured that it is definitely something to be excited about.

(You are very welcome to friend me! Hello!)

Yay! *dances* Hello! :D

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Comment fic just for you; I don't know why James is so grouchy and growly.

Re: Comment fic just for you; I don't know why James is so grouchy and growly.

Re: Comment fic just for you; I don't know why James is so grouchy and growly.

Re: Comment fic just for you; I don't know why James is so grouchy and growly.

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