rionaleonhart | Entries tagged with oz and james

There is a Female Characters Drabble-a-thon going on at the moment! If you're like me and feel that you don't write about female characters nearly often enough, here's your chance to redress the balance. (Sadly, there are almost no videogame prompts.)

Also, a rather fun meme. Stolen from

eva_kasumi:

- Arrange the characters in your icons in alphabetical order.
- Pair the first character up with the second, the third up with the fourth and so on.
- Write a mini-ficlet about every pairing.
- Profit!

The results of my attempt at this are under the cut in varying degrees of cop-outness. It starts with Albus Dumbledore/Allison Cameron and goes downhill from there.

( Perhaps I shouldn't have included the Pokémon. )

The BBC Two reception of the television in our communal room at the moment is... unreliable, to say the least. I was lucky enough to watch last week's episode of Torchwood with no interference at all, so this week it decided to make up for that by losing all sound and becoming unwatchably staticky half-way through the 'Torchwood. Outside the government, beyond the police. We're competent, honest' opening spiel, and no amount of retuning will bring my most beloved of channels back to me.

You all know what that means.

The Brilliant Third Episode Of The Second Series Of Torchwood In Riona's Mind, Clearly A Vast Improvement On Whatever You Poor Bastards With Television Reception Are Actually Getting To Watch (Although I Suppose I'll Have To Find Something Other Than Mansex With Which To Improve On The Canon, Because This Is, After All, Torchwood):

(The scene opens on a rather nice restaurant. Jack and Ianto are sitting at a table. Jack is fiddling with a bizarre contraption that may, if you squint, resemble a - a what? A Nintendo DS? No - no, hang on, it's a mobile phone. Probably.)
Ianto: You know, I do appreciate your taking me out, but I think I'd probably appreciate it even more if you weren't spending half the date flirting with Toshiko by text message.
Jack: I'm not flirting. Well, not much. It's to do with work.
Ianto: Ah. Well, that makes this seem much more romantic.
(The probably-a-mobile-phone vibrates. It does this much more vigorously than necessary. Jack checks his new message.)
Jack: Right. That's not good.
(Ianto tries very hard not to sigh, then decides that he may as well.)

(In the Torchwood headquarters:)
Owen: So, what is it?
Tosh: I don't know. We don't have records of anything like it.
Owen: Well, that's great, isn't it? That thing is growing by the minute, and we don't know how to stop it.
Tosh: It probably won't be able to get to us. We're underground, and it's too big to fit through any of the entrances.
Owen: If it can rip up buildings, it can rip up the street. Any way of getting our Madame Cooper back from it?
Tosh: I don't know. I'm trying to see whether I can find anything of its description on the Internet, but... ah.
Owen: Ah?
Tosh: Have you ever heard of a game called We ♥ Katamari?

(SOMEWHERE ELSE ENTIRELY:)
Oz Clarke and James May: (shag)

Today, I received an intriguing-looking envelope in the post and opened it to find, to my confusion and delight, that it was full of colourful plastic frogs. I have no idea why

rhosyndu might have thought I would be particularly in need of frogs at the moment, but I have already been playing with them for far longer than any self-respecting legally-an-adult should, so thank you!

The letter enclosed with the frogs was also marvellous; it contained drawings of some unholy mixture of Oz Clarke and Sherlock Holmes ('SHERLOZ HOLARK! and the case of the missing case of Cabernet!' ...there really aren't enough Big Wine Adventure crossovers, are there?), lamented the sad lack of Clarkson wingfic and at one point made me laugh so much that I was forced to explain to my perplexed fellow student that I had received a letter speculating on a winged Jeremy Clarkson having sex with the Batmobile. (It also says 'I heartily approve of all your Piers/Oz ideas.' I cannot for the life of me recall ever having had any Piers/Oz ideas, but, er, good?)

(An idea that seems to have cropped up independently several times lately is that of Jeremy Clarkson having sex with fictional cars: Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, Herbie, Mr Weasley's flying Ford Anglia, the De Lorean from Back to the Future, the entire cast of Cars and now the Batmobile. This brings up three obvious questions: which cars have we missed, who is actually going to be brave enough to write all of these, and why on Earth don't I have any sane friends?)

I've been at

th_esaurus' house for the past couple of days, which I'm going to use as my excuse for not having responded to any comments. I know she doesn't believe me, but I really do enjoy being with her so much. Even if she does draw pictures of SCARY OZ CLARKE IN DRAG saying 'I ♥ RIONA'. GO AWAY, SCARY OZ CLARKE IN DRAG; OUR LOVE CAN NEVER BE.

th_esaurus: thank you so much for looking after me and making sure I ate and introducing me to films and letting me sing along to the Pokémon soundtrack and drawing pictures for me and generally being amazingly lovely. WHICH YOU WERE. YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO DENY HOW LOVELY YOU ARE. I shall attempt to write James/Richard/Oliver for you! Also, let me know whether you feel confident about getting here for the 29th and what your plans are for getting back home.

(We watched Enchanted, The Nightmare Before Christmas and Toy Story together, and I think The Nightmare Before Christmas is the only film of the three we didn't cross over with Silent Hill at any point. Something's not quite right there.)

The Big Gay Wine Adventure was not as gay as expected, alas! And it is a mark of just how gay this series is that I can say this when Ox (that is a typo, but I think I shall leave it there) actually demanded a kiss from James. I CANNOT BELIEVE HOW SMITTEN HE IS.

penises

The above (not the Oz and James part, although technically I suppose it could be considered related) is entirely the fault of

th_esaurus, who is next to me right now. Say hi.

PENISES

(We watched Enchanted today. I enjoyed it very much! And then RD ruined it entirely by suggesting a crossover with Silent Hill. I DON'T LIKE YOU EITHER.)

OKAY, YOU GUYS, SERIOUSLY, OZ AND JAMES'S BIG WINE ADVENTURE IS NOW OFFICIALLY THE GAYEST THING ON TELEVISION. It outstripped Torchwood quite some time ago.

An actual quote from the first four minutes of yesterday's episode:

Oz: I'm moistening my lips. In case, as you often do at this time of the morning, you put the thing onto cruise control, leap on me, smother me with osculation, then get back to your seat and pretend nothing happened.
James: I see.
Oz: Osculation is an excellent activity.

There's also Oz's voiceover saying 'It's the morning after the night before' and the camera panning over discarded underwear on the kitchen floor, and good Lord, they are having so much sex it's unbelievable.

I have a very serious question for you: where is all the Oz/James fanfiction? It may not be the most aesthetically pleasing of pairings, but it is quite clearly the most true.

The Big Gay Wine Adventure was on tonight! Those of you who watched it will know which part I am referring to when I say that I spent a good minute and a half staring at the screen with my mouth open and my eyebrow twitching, an expression of absolute horror on my face. That was the most disgusting thing I've ever seen someone do in a non-fiction programme.

Also, they are still absolutely bloody useless at keeping the programme on-topic rather than veering off onto the subject of cars (although they do at least seem to be making a bit of an effort; I got the impression that an entire Mini review was hastily clipped out five minutes before the episode aired), and they are still amazingly gay (I have already had two people e-mail me about Oz's 'my goal is to seduce James...' comment), and I 'hee!'d so much at 'two minutes sixty'.

Also also (and entirely unrelatedly), I have suddenly been struck by the urge to write about Jeremy having so much sex with the Bugatti Veyron. But, alas, it is so difficult to write pairingfic when one of the participants is nonsentient! I DEMAND THAT YOU WRITE JEREMY/CAR FOR ME. There are fewer than twenty man/car fics in the Top Gear fandom! That's appalling. (If you think that 'fewer than twenty' sounds like more than enough man/car, you're probably not familiar with Top Gear.)

Episodes From Riona's Mind: Oz and James's Inexplicable Hallowe'en Special, Because I Can.

(Shot from inside the motorhome. James is driving.)
Oz: The wines made from it tend to be a little crisper, but you have to be sure that the vines aren't overexposed to the sun, because -
James: Oh, for Christ's sake, Clarke, shut up.
Oz: You're supposed to be learning, James. It's a very fragile grape - it's difficult to grow in California, but -
(LOUD CRUNCH)
James: ...
Oz: ...

(Outside the motorhome:)
Oz: Well, James, this is our first kill of the series. How do you feel?
James: Oh, cock.
Oz: I have to say, I would have expected better driving skills of a motoring journalist.
James: You distracted me! And could you possibly not insult me when I'm trying to cope with just having run someone over? Clarkson was bad enough when I hit that DCI under the Mancunian Way.
Oz: No, wait, he might be alive! He's stirring!
James: ...that's Piers Morgan. I've just hit Piers Morgan with a motorhome.
Oz: Well, at least your friend will thank you for it.
James: Not if he is still alive. I'm never going to get through the auditions for Britain's Got Talent now, am I?
Oz: Morgan? Are you all right? Are you conscious?
Piers Morgan: ...braaaaaaains...

I love the fact that the Big Gay Wine Adventure is now quite clearly more about cars than Top Gear is. Oh, Top Gear presenters. You are so very hopeless at keeping your programmes on-topic.

Also, Oz and James continue to be absurdly, ridiculously, wonderfully gay. Domestic arguments! "I love it when you talk like that"! (Oz can be terribly creepy sometimes, and he is one of the least attractive men on the face of the Earth, and yet it still makes me far too happy when he is being blatantly gay for James and vice versa. Possibly something is wrong with me.) And I was extremely amused by the inclusion of utterly pointless challenges just for the sake of wanton destruction. It really is turning into a more car-related Top Gear.

You may have gathered from this that I now have access to a television at my university lodgings and so - and I'm sure this will devastate you - will no longer be bitterly posting my far superior imagined episodes on Tuesday evenings. Unless I find myself so severely annoyed by the lack of new episodes over the next two weeks that I decide to fill in the gaps, I suppose. But then you'll all have to join in, too. DO NOT ARGUE WITH ME; THIS IS THE LAW. I AM FULLY EXPECTING A FRIENDS PAGE FULL OF FAKE EPISODES NEXT WEEK.

This is a meme I have done so often that it is beginning to verge on the ridiculous. BUT HEY, I HAVE MANAGED TO RESIST REPOSTING IT FOR FIVE WHOLE MONTHS; OBVIOUSLY I AM TOTALLY ALLOWED TO GIVE IT ANOTHER GO NOW.

Give me a character (or multiple characters, or a pairing, or a theory, or a ridiculous AU, or anything you like, really) and some sort of prompt to go with it (be as vague or specific as you like, but if your prompt is 'include some form of the verb "to be"' I may have to hit you), and I'll write you a one-sentence fic. You may make as many requests as you like; I may answer as many as I feel capable of.

Crossovers and crackfic are fine, as, of course, are requests that are neither of those things. If you're not sure whether I know a fandom or not, feel free to request it anyway, but be warned that, if I am unfamiliar with it, I may totally make things up based entirely on what little I know of the fandom from entries I have seen about it/inexplicable dreams I have had involving the characters despite my knowing nothing about the canon.

ANYONE WHO ASKS ME TO PAIR MYSELF UP WITH OZ CLARKE GETS INSTANTLY DEFRIENDED.

The Brilliant Second Episode Of The Second Series Of Oz and James's Big Gay Wine Adventure In Riona's Mind, Based Largely Upon The Information About The Content Received From Her Highly Untrustworthy Little Brother (And Still Better Than The One You People With Televisions Can See, Bastards):

Oz: You know, we're already an entire episode into the new series and yet there's been hardly any nudity.
James: Actually, if we're going by the Riona's Mind canon, there was Rather A Lot of full-frontal nudity last week. Involving both of us, I believe. Which probably says some quite worrying things about Riona's mind.
Oz: ...REGARDLESS, I am going to strip you and push you into this lake, where you are to drink wine.
James: ...what?
Oz: DRINK. DRINK AND BE NAKED.
James: I don't see how this is supposed to expand my wine knowledge.
Oz: THE PINOT NOIR GRAPE GAINS ITS FULLEST FLAVOUR WHEN THE DRINKER IS NUDE AND IN A LAKE.
James: You are quite obviously making all of this up. However, I have already consumed eight glasses and so am rather past caring.
(Oz helps James out of the lake, with perhaps rather more fondling of his chest than entirely necessary.)

Jeremy: MAY.
James: CLARKSON. What the devil are you doing here?
Jeremy: I am here to boost ratings for your silly show. Also for the purposes of snoggage.
James: ...Jeremy, most of the audience don't want to see two middle-aged men kissing each other.
Jeremy: Firstly: this entire programme revolves around you and Oz Clarke, who is even less attractive than me, fondling each other. The audience obviously aren't all that averse to it. Secondly: the watchership for this particular episode consists entirely of a mildly deranged teenage girl and possibly a couple of people who read her online journal blog thing, and this is most certainly going to improve the ratings amongst them.
James: Well, I can't argue with that. Mainly because I just had eight glasses of Pinot Noir.

(The final twenty minutes of the episode consist of Oz trying in vain to impart wine knowledge to an entirely distracted audience whilst Jeremy and a probably still unclothed James snog in the background.)

Voiceover: NEXT WEEK: GIANT MECHANICAL SPIDER ATTACK.

(For the curious, the message my little brother sent me while he was watching the Big Gay Wine Adventure and I was sadly deprived:

james is naked in a lake taisting wine in flouting wine glasses
he got out and now he's making out with jerimy
who is here espesialy

I fear that this may not have been entirely truthful.)

The Brilliant First Episode Of The Second Series Of Oz And James's Big Gay Wine Adventure In Riona's Mind, Obviously Much Better Than The Silly Real One You Losers With Televisions Are Watching:

James: We are going to drive around California in this motorhome! And I intend to drink lots of wine, although I may be forced to do so in quick bursts when my insufferable companion is not looking.
Motorhome: *ONLY HAS A DOUBLE BED*
James: I object to this setup.
Oz: I don't. Come on, James; there are sacrifices we have to make for our art.
James: A silly programme about wine is hardly 'art', and I refuse to be felt up by an old man in a motorhome.
Oz: But the mattress is so comfortable! And you didn't protest when you had to sleep with Hammond in that caravan challenge.
James: I am going to sleep hanging by my ankles from the top of the wardrobe. Like a bat.

*POSSIBLY SOME THINGS ABOUT WINE*

James: taht was some gud wine
Oz: For God's sake, man, how can you be so heavy?
James: zzzzz
Oz: If you think I am going to respect your wishes of separate sleeping quarters by hauling your carcass all the way over there, you are sadly mistaken.

*ARTISTIC SHOTS OF THE MOTORHOME AT NIGHT; SOUND OF CRICKETS CHIRPING, ASSUMING CALIFORNIA HAS CRICKETS. IF CALIFORNIA DOES NOT HAVE CRICKETS, SOUNDS OF DRUNK CALIFORNIANS PLAYING VOLLEYBALL AT MIDNIGHT OR SOMETHING.*

*Sun rises. 'Morning' plays. Is it actually called 'Morning'? You know the piece I mean, anyway. dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee deedleedle dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee...*

James: *stirs*
James: *yawns*
James: *makes vague noises of comfortable tiredness*
James: *SUDDENLY REALISES WHERE HE IS AND FLAILS OUT OF THE BED*

James: WHY WAS I IN BED WITH YOU
Oz: Nice to see you up, James. With the amount you were drinking, I was starting to worry you'd never wake again.
James: WHERE ARE YOUR CLOTHES? WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES? I HAVE BEEN SHAMEFULLY USED.
Oz: I can promise you, I haven't touched you inappropriately.
James: I'm not going to believe you until I've seen the footage.
Oz: Well, I hope you've learnt something from this. If you don't want to wake up next to me, actually do some tasting; don't just pour everything you're offered straight down your gullet.
James: ...that's a Wine Fact, is it?

Voiceover: Next week, Riona is also not going to be able to watch the episode! SO YOU'D BETTER GET USED TO THESE FAR SUPERIOR VERSIONS.

*THE AWESOME END*

I AM NOT BITTER.

(but, y'know, if the episode were to turn up on youtube at some point, that might be nice?)

Questions I Can't Believe I Have Genuinely Considered:

- If Pyramid Head had an accident that sent him back in time to when Silent Hill was an active town, who would his DCI be? (Let's set aside the question of how he could possibly have a severe accident if he's more or less invincible.) I'd quite like to see him under the command of Gene Hunt or Greg House. Or, er, Geri Halliwell, just to continue the 'GH' theme. Please do not actually write fanfiction about Pyramid Head working with the Spice Girls.
- If Sherlock Holmes and Watson visited Silent Hill, what would Holmes deduce about the nature of the town? Would he be able to solve the mystery of the disappearance of James and Mary Sunderland? (A while ago,

thebaconfat wrote a beautifully mind-destroying fanfic about Holmes and Watson in Silent Hill. If you haven't already read it, I'd highly recommend it.)
- Why hasn't anyone written about Sherlock Holmes being sent forward to 1973 and meeting Sam Tyler yet?
- Are zombies permanently erect as a result of rigor mortis? (I tried to use this to break the ice on the day of the Canadian Invasion and can now pass down my hard-earned wisdom to you: zombie sex is never a good icebreaker.)
- The Top Gear team meet the protagonists of Withnail and I. Should fluffy-haired commiserating-about-insane-friends James/'I' slash ensue?
- During Oz and James' Big Gay Wine Adventure, James says something along the lines of, "That is the mystical cosmic energy in my penis. Oh, and it's gone off again; it usually does." Oz responds, "Yes, that was about four or five seconds; that's about right for you." HOW DOES HE KNOW? (A related question I genuinely can't believe I've considered is 'Why don't more people write Oz/James?' I mean, I know it's not a terribly attractive pairing, but it's so blatant.)
- "My name is Sam Tyler. I had an accident and I woke up in the eighteenth century." The very confused and out-of-place Tyler finds himself on a pirate ship with Captains Clarkson, Hammond and May, quite possibly the worst pirates the world has ever seen, shortly before they run into and probably eventually reluctantly team up with Captain Jack Sparrow and his crew. Would it be too much to have the Doctor turn up with the intention of sorting out the horrible tangled time-mess and recognise Sam as the Master?
- How is it possible for a programme that has a cyborg punching a pterodactyl to be so rubbish?

(Questions I almost included in the list but didn't because I can definitely believe I've considered them include 'What are Captain Jack Harkness' moral boundaries when it comes to shagging? I'm sure he wouldn't do anything nonconsensual. In my mental canon, he thinks of monogamy as a highly outdated concept, but he's aware that a lot of importance was placed on it in the past; would he have sex with a twentieth-century married human if the husband/wife were unaware?' and 'What the hell is the plot of Dark Chronicle, anyway?')

In entirely unrelated news: if you haven't read

mistful's post-Deathly Hallows fic (I think a second half is forthcoming at some point), do! It has managed to make me not hate the epilogue any more, which makes me very happy indeed. Spoilers, obviously.

A while ago, there was a meme along the lines of 'arrange all the characters you have icons of in alphabetical order, pair them up accordingly, talk a bit about the pairings that result' going around. And, y'know, why not?

Listed in alphabetical order by first name. I've omitted poor old Dumbledore, because I didn't have an even number of characters and I'd really prefer not to have to consider Albus Dumbledore/Allison Cameron. Yes, I'm a shameless cheater.

( Pairings from the adorable to the nonsensical to the horrifically scarring, hurrah! )

Insane Fanfic Ideas That I Really, Really Should Not Write Part Two: Because Sometimes A Girl Just Has To Update Her Journal, No Matter How Little She Actually Has To Say. Is it too obvious that I’m making these posts mainly so I have a record of these ideas somewhere, because I don’t want to forget them? Which is, considering the fact that these are all insane ideas that I should be avoiding, really the worst possible thing I could do?

That Robert Chase Is James Sunderland Fic, With Twisted Chase/Cameron and Cameron-and-Mary Comparisons and Lots of Insanity. NO. It is the most frightening idea ever and I should absolutely not be tempted by it. I just wish it didn't make so much sense. (EDIT: Written by

draegonhawke here.)

Dr. Cox/Ted. Ted makes a throwaway comment in ‘My Heavy Meddle’, I believe, that Dr. Cox turned up at his wedding and ruined it. For all I know this could have been addressed in one of the Series Three episodes, because I’ve still barely seen any of them, but still! Dr. Cox/Ted fodder! And why not?

The Top Gear Team Try Their Hands At Pokémon Training. While May becomes terribly caught up in the intricacies of level-building and movesets, Clarkson and Hammond have quickly become distracted and are gallivanting around in the various ingenious Team Rocket transport devices. GYRADOS SUBMARINE VERSUS MAGIKARP SUBMARINE: FIGHT! Eventually, Clarkson goads a Charizard beyond endurance and everything ends up on fire. (EDIT: And Make It Double.)

James May/Yamaha FS1-E. May and Moped: TRUE LOVE FOR EVER. If you don’t have time to read that article, have a quote from it:

I was just a perfectly normal teenage boy in 1977; by day gazing wistfully out of the window during "naming of parts", by night driven to dementia by unsated lust. All I wanted was to get my leg over the Yamaha FS1-E sports moped.

I can’t even remember Clarkson using such blatantly sexual language about a vehicle. May is absolutely smitten, and it seems awful that there’s no May/Moped fanfiction out there, but how on Earth am I supposed to rectify this if I don’t understand mopeds at all? (EDIT: Written by

dracothelizard: Unrequited.)

Top Gear/Pirates of the Caribbean AU Crossover, in which the Top Gear team, who are the worst pirates ever, get tricked by Captain Jack Sparrow into falling into James Norrington’s clutches. CUE JAMES MAY/JAMES NORRINGTON, OBVIOUSLY.

Oz Clarke and James May: Together, They Fight Crime. Oh, God, this is all

dracothelizard’s fault. She made a ‘Wine Ponce! Tea Ponce! Together, they fight crime!’ icon, and LO THE IDEA WAS SPAWNED. “This isn’t champagne! The grapes are from Bordeaux!” AND ONCE AGAIN THE DAY IS SAVED.

The Torchwood Team Go To Silent Hill. Actually, I lie: this is one that actually should be written. All of the characters (with the possible exception of Tosh) have Gigantic Issues that would make them perfect candidates for Silent Hill. I was recently musing on whether (spoiler blackout - spoilers for Cyberwoman and sort-of spoilers for They Keep Killing Suzie and Silent Hill 2)

Ianto might have been having sex with Jack while Lisa was still in the basement because she was a half-Cyberised assless freak and hooked up to a life support machine and he wanted sex from somewhere,

which led to the frankly horrifying revelation that Ianto is basically Torchwood’s James Sunderland. And he seemed so nice and sane!

Now, the Richard Hammond fans among you may recall that he had, er, a minor three-hundred-mile-an-hour jet-car accident in late September and survived it, because he is superhuman, and, not satisfied with merely being alive, said 'screw you!' to the doctors who said he'd be in hospital for fifteen months, employed Wolverine-esque healing powers and was out of there by November.

Well, he has now given his first television interview since the accident, which is absolutely lovely because look at him! He's healthy and cheerful and making jokes about it and more adorable than ever and honestly, Richard, you had a three-hundred-mile-an-hour crash three months ago, what right do you have to be absolutely fine? Not that I am not absolutely thrilled about this, because I am.

(The videos are no longer available, sadly.)

The part missing from between the two is Jonathan saying that, if Richard had died, there was no chance that Mindy would have moved on, because, when your options are Jeremy Clarkson and James May, you're obviously going to raise the children by yourself. Which is a fair point, even though I and the weirder members of my friendslist may personally disagree with it.

Also, I bet Jonathan Ross writes dreadful Jeremy/Richard angstfic.

(While I'm linking to things, although I think that most of the Scrubs fans among you will probably have already seen this, have Turk and JD singing a duet about Not Being Gay (video no longer available). It is marvellous.)

On another note, I laughed until I couldn't breathe at the end of the final episode of Oz and James's Big Wine Adventure. I now firmly believe that, although I don't plan to, I would have every excuse to write nothing but James/Oz for the rest of my life, because that was the most astonishingly homosexual thing that I have ever seen. While romantic music played and Oz and James talked about their profound love for each other (including Oz referring to the trip as a 'holiday romance'), clips were shown of Oz looking at James’ crotch in the shower, Oz looking at the sleeping James and licking his lips, James calling Oz ‘beautiful’, Oz putting his arm around James’ waist as they watched the sunset. It was amazing (and look!

m_l_h has caps!). Someone obviously had a lot of fun with the editing there, and I sincerely hope that Clarkson and Hammond mock May about it a lot when the new series of Top Gear starts (late January! eee!).

The interesting thing about Oz and James’s Big Gay Wine Adventure is that I’m so used to James being the sane one on Top Gear. When he’s taken away from his utterly mad co-presenters, it’s easy to see just how relative the concept of ‘sanity’ is. James is clearly a complete lunatic, but I never really noticed it before because Jeremy and Richard are so much more insane.

Anyway! As proof of just how little willpower I actually have: not three days after making that List of Fics I Should Not Write, I had written one of them. Specifically, the James May/Oz Clarke one. It was pointless and plotless and was, y’know, James/Oz, but at least I’ve got it written, right? It’s out of my system, right?

Wrong.

Because I don’t think it’s really possible to write a fanfic for a pairing without at least beginning to develop some sort of fondness for it, or at least some sort of understanding of how it might work, no matter how much you may have disliked it when you began. And the concept of James/Oz, which started as something lighthearted and silly and, frankly, disturbing, has been buzzing around inside my mind and gaining more and more weight. Writing the fic didn’t kill it: it only made it stronger. And now I want to read more James/Oz, and who on Earth is going to write more James/Oz for me to read? Why must I latch onto such odd pairings? Nobody else is going to write this! Ever!

Well, actually, this may not strictly be true - at least, I hope that it’s not - because some mysterious person over on

characterlove also seems to be suffering from James/Oz-related ideas, after some silly roleplaying that, er, I may have instigated. I am very pleased by this! I have mad delusions of single-handedly creating a little army of James/Oz-writing lunatics. It will be glorious.

Why oh why oh why can't I get this pairing out of my head? Granted, it's got moments like "Ahaha, I'll start again - I touched you again." "You touched me again!" "I can't stop it!" and Oz wanting them to sleep on the exact spot he and his girlfriend were on and, y'know, being in a jacuzzi together in paper thongs, which is certainly more than most of my non-insane pairings get, but it is still utterly, utterly inexcuseable.

The moral of this post is that you may think that writing the insane pairing will make it leave you alone, but you are probably very, very wrong. Also that James/Oz should probably never be written under any circumstances, but I want you to write it anyway.

WHY HAVE I MADE AN ENTIRE POST ABOUT OZ AND JAMES’S BIG WINE ADVENTURE? IT IS A TINY SILLY BRITISH SPECIALIST PROGRAMME ABOUT WINE. I’M NOT EVEN INTERESTED IN WINE. THERE ARE ONLY GOING TO BE FIVE EPISODES. I THINK THAT MAYBE THREE OF YOU WATCH IT. Oh, well, never mind. (It's not just a post about the programme, anyway. It is also about my being an idiot, and it imparts a valuable lesson! About, er, crackpairings!)

Right, this is the list of Insane Fanfic Ideas That I Really, Really Should Not Write (No Matter How Much I May Want To). Yes, the one that I said I wasn't going to do. Haven't you learnt by now not to believe a word I say?

These are definitely not all of the Insane Fanfic Ideas by which I am being pestered, but they're the ones I can think of at the moment.

Captain Jack Harkness/The Todd. Okay, so two omnisexual beings walk into a bar...

This would, of course, be absolute nonsense. Captain Jack would - I don't know, he'd go in for surgery or something, and he'd make a suggestive comment to the Todd before the Todd had a chance to do it, and it would include the following line:

It's the first time that anyone has ever made the first move on him, and the Todd is instantly, madly, hopelessly in love.

And then they would shag. For ever.

James May/Oz Clarke. (EDIT: Well, I am clearly rubbish at resisting these ideas. In the Event of a Wine Ponce Attack and The Ballad of May and Clarke.)
Oh, come on, it seems ridiculous that there's almost no slashfic for Oz and James's Big Wine Adventure. If half the Internet is referring to it as the 'Big Gay Wine Adventure' you'd expect at least a little Oz/James, surely. There is actually some out there already, but it's all extremely short and deliberately daft and about Oz being Evil. I want to write semi-serious, reciprocated James/Oz, just for the sake of it. But I mustn't, firstly because I don't feel capable of writing Oz and secondly because the Top Gear fandom would probably lynch me.

Gregory House/Perry Cox/Jeremy Clarkson/Gene Hunt. WHEN AWESOME BASTARDS COLLIDE.

House goes to Silent Hill and meets Dr. John Watson in a sort of Mary/Maria-esque thing, only less creepy and with many more fandoms involved.
Oh, yes. Watson would be extremely shocked by the implications House would make about his relationship with Holmes (House is Not The Sort Of Person One Would Expect To Meet if one is a Victorian gentleman), and of course that would be saying more about House himself than he would realise. Actually, I really want Watson to meet Wilson and the two of them to bond over their insane, obsessive friends. It could quite possibly be the cutest thing ever.

Top Gear genderswap fic. UNQUALIFIED DISASTER GUARANTEED. (EDIT: The Questionable Joys of Gender-Switching.)

This was spawned during the game of 'HEY, WRITE THIS TRULY DREADFUL FIC IDEA. YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO.'

dracothelizard made a throwaway 'researching wedding clothes for this fic would be so much easier if James and the Stig were women' (don't ask) comment; I said "You realise, of course, that by making this comment you have doomed one of us to writing Top Gear genderswap in the near future?" with, of course, the subtext of "AND BY 'ONE OF US' I MEAN YOU. WRITE IT. WRIIIIITE IT"; she turned the challenge back on me, and before I knew what I was doing I was writing a snippet of Jeremy Clarkson in a miniskirt. I AM SO ASHAMED.

Jeremy Clarkson shags his co-presenters while said co-presenters are in car form.
THIS IS ALL

eva_kasumi'S IDEA AND HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ME.

The Top Gear team go to Silent Hill. (EDIT: A World of Madness.)
I so want this to exist, but it doesn't work at all. They don't angst! At all! Ever! And, as

dracothelizard said, Jeremy would just decide he was sick of the town, jump the chasm in a car and drive off, cackling.

The penguins from Happy Feet go to Silent Hill.
Um. I honestly cannot defend myself, either for watching Happy Feet or for having come up with this idea. But come on! When the penguins got to the human settlement, and there was a weird mist and that horrible toolshed with broken stained windows and the bloodsmears on the snow? Silent Hill? Anyone? Please don't leave me.

Slashers can be terribly obnoxious when their pairings of choice become canonical, and that makes me sad. I can understand that, if you tend towards the slash pairings, their being, er, canonised would be a rare event, and so I can understand being happy about it, and I certainly like the pairing in question myself, but still. Calm down a little, would you? (I'm not talking to any of you, friendslist; you can do no wrong. I was fairly thrilled myself, but then I wandered into a Jack/Ianto community and AAAAAAH THE SHRIEKING. THE SMUGNESS.)

Actually, I can't judge people for getting all fangirly over Torchwood, because I am fairly sure that it was created almost entirely to pander to the fangirls. (Also, give me a show with an almost-canonical and ridiculously hot slash pairing, and what do I do? I go and fall in love with Gwen/Rhys. There's just no pleasing me, is there?)

(WHY DON'T I LOVE TORCHWOOD? IT IS NOT FAIR. I WANTED TO LOVE IT SO MUCH. WILL NOTHING DOCTOR WHO-RELATED MATCH UP TO NINE'S EPISODES FOR ME? ALAS.)

On an utterly not-complaining note (which is nice), Oz and James's Big Gay Wine Adventure is absolutely charming. I think that all specialist programmes should include at least one presenter who knows next to nothing about the subject (or maybe the rule should be 'all specialist programmes should include at least one Top Gear presenter'), and I also think that any documentary that by its nature will have utterly drunk presenters half the time can only be a good thing.

I was going to try to list all the Insane Fanfic Ideas That I Really, Really Shouldn't Write, and then I realised that the evil fic-persuaders among you might use it as a reference list when trying to make me write ridiculous things, so I won't.

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Entries tagged with oz and james

Bloody Hell, That's A Lot Of Tags.

And Then They All Had Apocalyptic Sex.

As Blue Plastic Frog Moves Nervously Through Silent Hill...

There Are Three Puppies Under The Stairs.

Buttsexual Intercourse.

Are You Wearing Anything?

"We're Testing The Maranello, Which Sort Of Sounds Like A Wine..."

Oh, Come On, Obviously He Had To Show Up On Hallowe'en.

Also, The 'My Master' Bit? You All Thought It.

Stop Pairing Me Up With Oz Clarke, You Gits.

Speaking Of Giant Mechanical Spiders...

You Are All Rubbish.

You Know I'm Feeling Better When I'm Rambling About Crossovers.

The Terroir of Raxacoricofallapatorius.

"This Isn't Earl Grey, You Fiend."

"That's A Really Unpleasant Image."

"He Moves Around Like A Bloody Walrus."

Oh, You Are Joking.

"Honestly. No Entries For Ten Days, And Then Two Come Along At Once."

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