rionaleonhart: final fantasy x-2: the sun is rising, yuna looks to the future. (get it? ...get it?)
Riona ([personal profile] rionaleonhart) wrote2009-04-12 07:52 pm

Banana You Glad I Didn't Say Orange?

HERE ARE SOME AMAZING THINGS:

- I have just discovered a song about Derren Brown, played on the ukulele, on YouTube. Glee!

- Here is a wonderful Sherlock Holmes fanvid, set to 'Read My Mind' by the Killers. It makes me want to sit down and watch the whole of the Adventures of Sherlock Holmes. Oh, Jeremy Brett, you were the perfect Holmes. Look at him leaping around and waving his arms!

- [livejournal.com profile] x_los made an entry from which I learnt that the Fourth Doctor once, upon escaping from a yoke by thrusting it at the guards who had captured him, said, 'I suppose you could say "the yoke's on him", if you were the sort of person who said that sort of thing, which fortunately I'm not.'

I have never even watched the Fourth Doctor, and this reported line alone has brought him very close to being my favourite incarnation.

- Yesterday, my brothers had a terrible pun war. Terrible jokes are some of my favourite things in the world. The theme of the day, apparently, was 'monkeys'.

Here are some of the jokes that came up:

J: Why did the monkey go out in the sun? He wanted to get an orangu-TAN.

F: What do most monkeys become when they grow up? A CHIMP-ney sweep.

J: Why did the monkey get sent to Hogwarts?
F: To learn magic?
J: Because it was a Howler.

F: What animal in the jungle do you use to get into your house?
J: A monkey.
F: What currency do they use in the jungle?
J: Monkeys?
F: ...yes.
J: Why was six afraid of the monkey?

I did warn you that they were terrible.

The younger of my brothers, F, was extremely secretive about the punchline of one of his jokes, on account of its being 'too good' and his fear that it would be stolen; he whispered it to the others at the table, but refused to tell it to me. I eventually learnt it about an hour later, and I think the resulting uncontrollable laughter was largely due to the great air of mystery about it and the amount of time I had spent musing on what the punchline could possibly be.

The question:
What is a monkey's favourite cereal?
The answer (blacked out: highlight to read; for full effect, you should probably consider it for a while before actually highlighting):
Rice monkeys.

I could not stop laughing. I'm laughing again just thinking about it.

Please feel free to share your favourite terrible jokes in the comments, monkey-themed or otherwise!

[identity profile] honeymull.livejournal.com 2009-04-13 12:25 am (UTC)(link)
Oh god, I laughed so hard.

:S

[identity profile] honeymull.livejournal.com 2009-04-13 12:26 am (UTC)(link)
Oh christ, the temptation to start telling these kinds of jokes at Easter dinner with my ultra-conservative parents and grandparents is frighteningly overwhelming.

[identity profile] apiphile.livejournal.com 2009-04-13 12:28 am (UTC)(link)
*loves all over your icon*

[identity profile] honeymull.livejournal.com 2009-04-13 12:31 am (UTC)(link)
*kind of totally loves all over YOURS, homg*

[identity profile] rustydragonfly.livejournal.com 2009-04-13 12:32 am (UTC)(link)
Blame NaNoWriMo's joke threads! At least I think the alcohol is worn off now. Wait, that means I have no excuse for this.


One day, a bear and a rabbit were walking through the woods when they came across an old magic lamp. When they rubbed it, a genie came out and said they each had three wishes.

The bear said "I wish all the bears in this forest were girls!" And so they were.

The genie then asked the rabbit for his first wish, to which the rabbit said "I wish for a crash helmet" - and so he did.

Then the genie asked the bear for his second wish. "I wish all the bears in the country were girls!" said the bear. And so they were.

It was the rabbit's turn again, so he said "I wish I had a motorbike" and sure enough, a shiny new motorbike appeared.

"Now you each have only one wish left," said the genie. "What do you wish for?"

The bear immediately said "I wish all the bears in the world were girls!" And again, so they were.

The rabbit thought for a long time, before putting on the crash helmet and getting on the bike. He started the engine up, pointed at the bear, and said... "I wish he was gay!"


And if that wasn't bad enough, let me introduce you all to The Longest Joke In The World (http://www.innocentenglish.com/best-funny-jokes/longest-joke-ever.html).

[identity profile] apiphile.livejournal.com 2009-04-13 12:32 am (UTC)(link)
*stare* BITCHES WITH CLIT RINGS? This is going to turn into a cyclic icon-love affair, homg. <3

[identity profile] dracothelizard.livejournal.com 2009-04-13 12:34 am (UTC)(link)
HURRAH FOR PUTTING OFF ACTUAL WRITING DURING NOVEMBER. I'm glad Script Frenzy is coming to me easier, hurrah for movie script formatting with its plentiful white lines and wide margins.

And I am not reading all THAT right now.

[identity profile] honeymull.livejournal.com 2009-04-13 12:38 am (UTC)(link)
IT IS SO FUN TO USE THAT ONE IN LIKE. THEOLOGICAL DEBATES WITH UBER-CONSERVATIVE PEEPS. :D

This one is my favorite, though. His little face is just so fucking unnerving.

[identity profile] honeymull.livejournal.com 2009-04-13 01:03 am (UTC)(link)
I can't believe these two still make me giggle until I'm curled in a little fetal ball, but THEY DO.

Q. How do you get a Pikachu on the bus?
A. You Pokemon! :DDD

Q. What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A. A stick.

And any interrupting cow joke or off-shot.

This one (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bn1-M5Ze0p8) is so douchey, but oh god, the ending makes me laugh every single time.

[identity profile] rustydragonfly.livejournal.com 2009-04-13 01:12 am (UTC)(link)
You might wanna set aside an afternoon for that one.

I came so, so close to deciding to do Script Frenzy this year and then pulled out. But that was mainly because I was going DAMMIT YOU HAVE THREE AND A BIT NOVELS WAITING TO BE EDITED INTO SOMETHING DECENT. YOU DO NOT NEED MORE. Maybe some day, though...

[identity profile] bubbles-san.livejournal.com 2009-04-13 01:33 am (UTC)(link)
Person 1: I like _______.
Person 2: Who doesn't?
*pause*
Person 1: Nazis?

[identity profile] honeymull.livejournal.com 2009-04-13 01:52 am (UTC)(link)
Ahaha, yes, this one. Except I learned it as talking muffins. The image of a little horrified talking muffin makes me giggle every time.

And yes, it is best told out loud. :DDD

[identity profile] amy-wolf.livejournal.com 2009-04-13 04:25 am (UTC)(link)
I now want to make a needlessly elaborate existential map just to mail it to you. Possibly from Fiji, although that would mean you had to wait several months.

[identity profile] hold-onhope.livejournal.com 2009-04-13 04:38 am (UTC)(link)
What's black and blue and wriggling in the corner?

A baby in a garbage bag.

What's black and green one week later?

The same baby.

A warning for when you do...

[identity profile] lasayla.livejournal.com 2009-04-13 08:25 am (UTC)(link)
I don't know what accent you use when you read English, but you have to read that joke in an American accent because IT DOES NOT WORK PROPERLY IN BRITISH ENGLISH!

She's not a horseman of the apocalypse; it's a nickname.

[identity profile] lasayla.livejournal.com 2009-04-13 08:57 am (UTC)(link)
That 'old enough to have heard of knock knock jokes, but not quite old enough to understand them yet' period is the BEST!

My friend's daughter War is at that age and she recently heard from my friend that I have two different laughs. (I have my polite laugh for general usage and my real laugh, which is an evil witch cackle.) She'd heard my polite laugh and she wanted to hear my real laugh, so War informed me that she was going to make me cackle.

I laughed politely and told her no way. The cackle was embarrassing and only emerged when I absolutely couldn't control myself. So only the best and most amazingly funny of jokes would be greeted with my true laugh.

War, naturally, took this as a challenge.

War: Knock knock.
Essy: Who's there?
War: Paris.
Essy: Paris, who?
War: Paris Hilton!
Essy: *polite laugh*

And I thought, it's the name of a city and also the name of a celebrity, so technically I suppose it's a pun, but it's not very funny.

War wasn't finished.

War: Knock knock.
Essy: Who's there?
War: Lindsey.
Essy: Lindsey, who?
War: Lindsey Lohan!
Essy: *chuckle*

This was the point where I realised she didn't understand how to tell jokes. War however could sense that I was more amused by this that her first attempt and decided to have another go...

War: Knock knock.
Essy: Who's there?
War: Britney.
Essy: Britney, who?
War: Britney Spears!
Essy: *chuckle*

And then it happened...

War: Knock knock.
Essy: Who's there?
War: Madonna.
Essy: Madonna, who?
War: *sudden expression of limitless woe as she realises her magical formula has gone wrong*
Essy: *uncontrollable witch cackle*

At which point War ran off to boast to everyone about how she knew a joke so funny it made Essy cackle. There is a greater than average chance that she will now grow to adulthood honestly believing that the funniest joke in the world is just "Knock, knock." "Who's there?" "Madonna."

...and that's kinda funny.

[identity profile] lasayla.livejournal.com 2009-04-13 08:59 am (UTC)(link)
He is so clearly using his Amazing Mind PowersTM on both you and Ukelilli. What are the odds that Derren Brown fandom and ukelele fandom would keep crossing like this if it wasn't all part of his grand plan?

[identity profile] lasayla.livejournal.com 2009-04-13 09:00 am (UTC)(link)
FINISH THE WIP! FINISH THE WIP!
nano_moose: The Iron Giant. Said Giant beaming adorably. (glee!!!)

[personal profile] nano_moose 2009-04-13 10:29 am (UTC)(link)
This entry and its comments have caused me physical pain and oxygen deprivation. Thank you. ...From laughter, I mean, so it's in a good way. Oh, on failed jokes:

My sister: You! I need you to get me a bucket of updog!
Me: What is 'updog'?
My sister: ...
Me: ...
My sister: You broke it.
Me: (realises and cracks up)

[identity profile] dracothelizard.livejournal.com 2009-04-13 11:34 am (UTC)(link)
EDITING BEFORE FRENZY-ING.

not a joke

[identity profile] newbie1990.livejournal.com 2009-04-13 01:33 pm (UTC)(link)
HEY RIONA. (http://analyst-1.livejournal.com/15758.html)

[identity profile] timydamonkey.livejournal.com 2009-04-13 03:06 pm (UTC)(link)
It's great! I tried to find some videos of snark but there's so much Fourth Doctor stuff it's hard to find. For second Doctor, there's a funny little tribute (which has a few lines in it). I also find a tribute to Two and Jamie (who is possibly my favourite companion ever), which I'm including just because they were a hilarious double act:

A Second Doctor Tribute (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Xm26StUZVY)

A Second Doctor and Jamie Tribute (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MrXaYjeWkZE) < that one may be a shipping video actually. They were a bit touchy-feely for the 60s :P

I WILL PROBABLY SHUT UP ABOUT DOCTOR WHO NOW. :D

Re: She's not a horseman of the apocalypse; it's a nickname.

[identity profile] vzg.livejournal.com 2009-04-14 11:28 am (UTC)(link)
Since I was just in the shower giggling over this hours later, may I metaquote?

Re: She's not a horseman of the apocalypse; it's a nickname.

[identity profile] lasayla.livejournal.com 2009-04-14 06:31 pm (UTC)(link)
Please do, because Metaquotes is awesome.

And if in doing so you were to fix the part where I typed 'that her first attempt' instead of 'than her first attempt' that would be the icing on the awesome.

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