Banana You Glad I Didn't Say Orange?

[rionaleonhart]

HERE ARE SOME AMAZING THINGS:

- I have just discovered a song about Derren Brown, played on the ukulele, on YouTube. Glee!

- Here is a wonderful Sherlock Holmes fanvid, set to 'Read My Mind' by the Killers. It makes me want to sit down and watch the whole of the Adventures of Sherlock Holmes. Oh, Jeremy Brett, you were the perfect Holmes. Look at him leaping around and waving his arms!

- x_los made an entry from which I learnt that the Fourth Doctor once, upon escaping from a yoke by thrusting it at the guards who had captured him, said, 'I suppose you could say "the yoke's on him", if you were the sort of person who said that sort of thing, which fortunately I'm not.'

I have never even watched the Fourth Doctor, and this reported line alone has brought him very close to being my favourite incarnation.

- Yesterday, my brothers had a terrible pun war. Terrible jokes are some of my favourite things in the world. The theme of the day, apparently, was 'monkeys'.

Here are some of the jokes that came up:

J: Why did the monkey go out in the sun? He wanted to get an orangu-TAN.

F: What do most monkeys become when they grow up? A CHIMP-ney sweep.

J: Why did the monkey get sent to Hogwarts?
F: To learn magic?
J: Because it was a Howler.

F: What animal in the jungle do you use to get into your house?
J: A monkey.
F: What currency do they use in the jungle?
J: Monkeys?
F: ...yes.
J: Why was six afraid of the monkey?

I did warn you that they were terrible.

The younger of my brothers, F, was extremely secretive about the punchline of one of his jokes, on account of its being 'too good' and his fear that it would be stolen; he whispered it to the others at the table, but refused to tell it to me. I eventually learnt it about an hour later, and I think the resulting uncontrollable laughter was largely due to the great air of mystery about it and the amount of time I had spent musing on what the punchline could possibly be.

The question:
What is a monkey's favourite cereal?
The answer (blacked out: highlight to read; for full effect, you should probably consider it for a while before actually highlighting):

Rice monkeys.

I could not stop laughing. I'm laughing again just thinking about it.

Please feel free to share your favourite terrible jokes in the comments, monkey-themed or otherwise!

Comments

[dracothelizard.livejournal.com]

"I have just discovered a song about Derren Brown, played on the ukulele, on YouTube. Glee!"

I would've assumed that that was YOU except for the bit where I met you and know what you look like. STILL. Derren may very well be trying to play that song on his own ukelele!

[rionaleonhart]

It is me in spirit, certainly. My soul has apparently manifested itself as an American girl who, rather frustratingly, can play the ukulele and sing quite a lot better than I can.

The idea of Derren playing and singing a song about having a crush on himself amuses me no end. I would actually not be surprised.

[draegonhawke.livejournal.com]

This is quite possibly the worst joke I've ever heard. floraldeoderant told it, which may explain that Seriously, though, you lose, like, 9 xboxillion karma points for telling it or laughing at it, which of course we all did. (I think the reason you laugh is BECAUSE it's horrible, honestly; it's one of those taboo-breaking things where it just triggers the laugh response because it's so far removed from good and right.)

But.


What's worse than finding a dead skunk under your pillow?

...

... ...

... ... ...

The Holocaust.

[rionaleonhart]

I have heard similar jokes, and they make me laugh every time. APPARENTLY, WE ARE BAD PEOPLE.

[timydamonkey.livejournal.com]

The Fourth Doctor had some hilarious lines, though my personal favourite Doctor is the second.

And since I totally don't spend fragments of my time reading quotes from fictional characters on wikiquote... - oh, alright, I do - here are some comments from said two Doctors that are quoteable enough to... y'know, get on wikiquote. :P

Four (http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Fourth_Doctor) (I believe said quote features there!)

Two (http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Second_Doctor)

I will now slink off to read something that totally isn't about fictional characters on wikiquote... :P

[rionaleonhart]

Tell me on the way, Brigadier! Tell me on the way! You must cultivate a sense of urgency.

(talking to the two men and holding hands with Harry and Sarah Jane) I should stand back if I were you. (Disappearing) I mean it should be all right. (Reappearing) But you never know quite, do you? (Disappears again)

[As the armed guards seize him and Sarah] That's right, grab us! We're very dangerous.

...all right, why have I watched none of the Fourth Doctor?

(Although the Second Doctor does apparently have some rather wonderful lines as well. 'You know our ways. You must be destroyed.' 'Yes, I was afraid you'd get back to that.')

[th-esaurus.livejournal.com]

I--rice monkeys?

[rionaleonhart]

YOUR BEWILDERMENT IS JUST MAKING ME LAUGH HARDER.

[littlemoose.livejournal.com]

The best joke I ever heard - maybe it was just the rEally earnest delivery but it cracked me up for hours - was told to me by a six year old my mum used to babysit.

There were two sausages in a frying pan. One sausage says, "Blimey, it's hot in here!" and the second goes "OH MY GOD OH MY GOD A TALKING SAUSAGE!"

[rionaleonhart]

Hee! It probably works better when told aloud, but I rather enjoy that anyway.

[apiphile.livejournal.com]

Before I begin I should point out that since sending off my contract on Friday *I AM A PROFESSIONAL COMEDIAN* and I cannot be held responsible for any broken ribs that may result from my INCREDIBLE HILARITY.

*clears throat*

What do you say to a grizzly with a stutter?





(are you ready for the hilarity?)





(really?)





...



THAT BEARS REPEATING.



baddum. tish.

[rionaleonhart]

I saw this on your journal, and it made me giggle quite a lot. I fear that, given my taste in jokes, this may not be a good thing.

[cryforthemoon.livejournal.com]

Everything in this entry is made of awesome. Also, what goes 'bonk-ninety-nine, bonk ninety-nine'?

[rionaleonhart]

A centipede with a wooden leg!

WAIT I MEAN OBVIOUSLY I HAVE NO IDEA AS MY KNOWLEDGE OF JOKES IS LIMITED ONLY TO THOSE OF THE HIGHEST QUALITY.

[thrennion.livejournal.com]

So, once upon a time, there was a family of balloons. Now, the youngest balloon was very frightened one night, so he ran into his parents' bedroom and asked if he could sleep in their bed, too. The balloon parents said that he could, but he would have to curl up or something so they could make some room for him. So, he deflated himself a little, but that wasn't enough, because the other balloon child was scared too and wanted to sleep in their parents' bed. So the balloon child who got there first deflated his sister. But he also had to deflate his mum, so there could be enough room.
Once he'd done that, his father turned to him and said:
"Well, son. Not only have you let your mother down, you've also let your sister down. But most of all, you've let yourself down."

Q: What does a cat on Prozac say?
A: Me.

"I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy. "

"I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it. "

[rionaleonhart]

The Head of Sixth Form at my secondary school once told that balloon joke at an assembly. I have absolutely no idea why.

I would quite like to get a map and write 'You are here' all over it, just to make that 'existential map' joke even more hilariously rubbish by clearly having spent more time preparing it than it deserves.

'What's that?'
'Oh, it's my existential map.'
'...you really wrote all those "you are here"s just so you could say that?'

[apiphile.livejournal.com]

M: It's his own fault, he should have been wearing sunscreen to protect himself from harmful rays.

The look of genuine pain on my boyfriend's face when I read that to him made me laugh approximately three times longer. THANK YOU.

[galaxysong9.livejournal.com]

I started a hurricane of puns with a friend yesterday. By the end you could hardly punderstand us because we were laughing so much as to be punintelligble, and his roommate was so punamused he wanted to punch us for continuing to punish him. We continued in this vein so long it was really punforgiveable, but in the end he was able to beat me, so I remain... his punderstudy.

You're in good company. ;)

[rionaleonhart]

Puns about puns? That is a punbeatable level of punnery. I am impressed.

[black-regalia.livejournal.com]

...wait. Rice? I don't get it D: What does that mean?

[rionaleonhart]

It is a reference to Rice Krispies. The 'joke', or at least the reason I laughed so hard at it, is that it isn't even a pun. You can't just stick a setup-related word into a known object and have a joke!

Although apparently you can, because, seriously, I haven't laughed so hard in ages.

Possibly most of the amusement came from the hour of anticipation.

[make-a-move.livejournal.com]

I love this post, comments included. I haven't laughed as much in a long time!

Oh, and talking of Derren Brown and ukuleles... have you heard anything about your present to him yet? Do you know if he received it?

[rionaleonhart]

I haven't heard anything about the ukulele, no. My suspicion is that either he hasn't received it or I came across as a potentially dangerous lunatic who should not be encouraged. Or he has a terrible fear of ukuleles, which would be a shame, as he appears to have a fairly solid fanbase in the ukulele community.

(Edited to remove inexplicable 'q', and also to add that I also love the comments to this post! I should ask my flist for terrible jokes more often.)

And why not?

[rustydragonfly.livejournal.com]

How do you get a giraffe in the fridge?
Open the door, put the giraffe in, close the door.

How do you get an elephant in the fridge?
Open the door, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant, close the door.

One day the lion decided to throw a party for all the animals in the jungle. Which one didn't come?
The elephant. He's still in the fridge.

You're walking through the jungle when you come to a river inhabited by crocodiles. How do you get across?
Swim. The crocodiles are all at the lion's party.

Re: And why not?

[rionaleonhart]

Oh, I'd forgotten this little series! It brings me such delight. There are generally not enough interconnecting jokes.

[serriadh.livejournal.com]

Just for you, because you put Derren and Sherlock Holmes in one post, a snippet from my nearly-finished WIP.

He greeted me affably enough, with a ready smile and professing an admiration for medical men which, had I not known his tricks, I would have wholly believed. Mr Brown was not tall, though he gave the impression of greater height – I realised with a start that he was no taller than myself. He had receding hair of a chestnuttish ginger and keen brown eyes that dared across my face as I spoke. Neatly dressed, staying just the right side of flamboyance, his hands were pale and slender and somehow put me in mind of Holmes.

After a sip of coffee – he was, I judged, no small addict, as he shut his eyes briefly with pleasure – he turned to Holmes. ‘I do hope, Sherlock, that you didn’t ask me for a social call. It’s too early by far.’ He smiled at me with a conspiratorial look, ‘I’m afraid I’m inclined to keep rather nocturnal hours.’

I murmured that he must be obliged to stay late at the theatre and he concurred. ‘Of course people always want a word afterwards, which is absolutely lovely of them, but…’ he cut himself off with another sip of coffee.

[rionaleonhart]

DERREN BROWN

AND SHERLOCK HOLMES

IN THE SAME PLACE



AMAZING



(I was watching a Derren Brown clip earlier in which he said he was a huge fan of Sherlock Holmes. It excited me immensely.)

Also, I love your Watson-narration!

[bubbles-san.livejournal.com]

I love posts about your brothers. They sound like massive dorks (but in a good way, of course.)

Actually, I love any posts about any of your family. You seem to have an awesome family.

Anyway! Alas I have no lame jokes of my own, but my mother is chock full of them. My father and I have a great deal of fun with her when she begins making them. For example, there was the one time the head of lettuce in ou fridge froze, and my mother decided to call it iceburg lettuce. This still causes her to laugh.

Another instance that comes to mind is that she once said her popcorn was 'A-salt and Buttery.' (assault and battery.)

I love my mother, but her jokes are rather lame. Perhaps you can derive some joy from them.

[amy-wolf.livejournal.com]

I CANNOT THINK OF TERRIBLE JOKES!!!

I DON'T KNOW WHY!!! THEY ARE ALL GONE!!!

8-0

:-(

:,( [crying smiley that's lost his nose]

All I can remember is that bit from Ridicule where the King of France is all "You're witty, right? Say something witty about me!"

And That One Guy looks blank and goes "The king is not a subject."

It took me nearly a minute to get it.

I may officially be humor-impaired.

On the upside, if Derren hears the song and wants to learn it, he can play it on the ukulele you gave him.

[bubbles-san.livejournal.com]

:,( [crying smiley that's lost his nose]

I will be laughing about this one for a very long time.

[bubbles-san.livejournal.com]

Speaking of Steve Irwin, my Spanish teacher made a pun about Steve Irwin not long after it had happened (I can't remember the pun, sorry) and the entire class grew quiet. ("Too soon?" he asked. "Yeah," Bubbles said with a solemn nod. "It was only about four months ago.")

He then told us about a guy who got stung to death by giant snails (true story) and we all cracked up.

Bear in mind that this is a man who let me draw a rather large picture of a fairy sitting on a mushroom on his white-board, with his markers, and then left it up all day, and also taught us to say 'dead frogs' in Spanish. This was hardly our wierdest conversation in his class. *suddenly misses Spanish teacher*

[amy-wolf.livejournal.com]

My kid brother did one Spanish class ever. The only thing he remembers how to say is "El bano del muerte!", which, to this day, he still says in a needlessly dramatic voice.

[honeymull.livejournal.com]

I can't believe these two still make me giggle until I'm curled in a little fetal ball, but THEY DO.

Q. How do you get a Pikachu on the bus?
A. You Pokemon! :DDD

Q. What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A. A stick.

And any interrupting cow joke or off-shot.

This one (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bn1-M5Ze0p8) is so douchey, but oh god, the ending makes me laugh every single time.

[summerkins.livejournal.com]

DUDE. I giggled so hard at that, my roommate started shushing me. XD

[nano_moose]

This entry and its comments have caused me physical pain and oxygen deprivation. Thank you. ...From laughter, I mean, so it's in a good way. Oh, on failed jokes:

My sister: You! I need you to get me a bucket of updog!
Me: What is 'updog'?
My sister: ...
Me: ...
My sister: You broke it.
Me: (realises and cracks up)

not a joke

[newbie1990.livejournal.com]

HEY RIONA. (http://analyst-1.livejournal.com/15758.html)

[judith-s.livejournal.com]

Here from metaquotes. Thanks for the laughter.

My favorite inappropriate joke: The seven dwarfs were in a hot tub, feeling happy. So Happy got up and left.

[loopychew.livejournal.com]

In from Metaquotes, figured I'd contribute one I heard recently and for some reason could not stop laughing at:

Q: What's brown and rhymes with snoop?
A: Dr. Dre.

[shinyhappygoth]

From Animaniacs, after Wakko has been begging to tell Dr. Scratchansniff a joke and assuring him that it's really funny:

W: Knock-knock!
Dr. S: Who's there?
W: Max!
Dr. S: Max who?
W: Max wants to come in and go crazy!
Dr. S: ... Okay, now, that's not really a joke, is it, because you see it makes no sense.
W: It does if you know Max.
Dr. S: But I don't know Max!
W: If you did, you'd be laaaaughing!