Holmes, Will You Stop Playing That Stupid Thing And Solve The Case?

[rionaleonhart]

Behind the cut, I rant about Things That Bother Me In Holmes/Watson Fanfiction. OH WHAT FUN. Of course most of it is my own opinion, and the things I state as fact (such as terminology points) may well be incorrect.

There is also an exceedingly vague Adventure of the Dying Detective spoiler.


The trouble with Sherlock Holmes fanfiction is that there is so much potential for things to go wrong. There's the language, of course - seeing Watson say 'teen' in one fic struck me as decidedly odd - but the most important thing to remember is that these are middle-aged Victorian gentlemen, not modern teenage girls. If Holmes signs a note 'Love, Holmes' (which I really can't see him doing under any circumstances), Watson will not be all a-tizzy thinking 'OMG! Does he mean he loves me as a friend, or does he love me love me?' NO. VICTORIAN ADULTS.

(Do people actually analyse a careless 'love' sign-off like that? Because if so, I have been unintentionally flirting with everyone I've ever sent a card. Oh dear.)

And Holmes wouldn't confess the sekrit love that he can never share by signing a note 'Love, Holmes'. In the stories, they use the word 'love' to refer to their deep friendship. When Holmes says 'Quick, man, [hide behind the head of the bed] if you love me!' and Watson hides behind the head of the bed, I sincerely doubt that Holmes is thinking 'OMG HE LOOOOOVES ME'. Holmes knows that Watson loves him. (Platonic love, take note.)

I'm not entirely sure what the point I'm trying to express here is. Basically, Holmes will not have a fit if Watson says he loves him, because he's already aware of it. He might raise an eyebrow if Watson actually kisses him, but the word 'love' is nothing strange. If Holmes says that he loves Watson, Watson will probably be taken aback because Holmes is not given to expressing emotions, but he will be thrilled and - this is the crucial part - he will not think that Holmes is saying 'LOL SEX?'. Between them, the word 'love' has no sexual meaning.

I'm not saying that Holmes/Watson sex is impossible. I'm saying that, if one says he loves the other, the other will not take it as a proposition.

Also, anyone but Mycroft calling Holmes 'Sherlock'? Just Not On. Holmes saying 'please, call me Sherlock' and/or calling Watson 'John' in fanfiction really bugs me. Holmes and Watson are pretty much as close as two people can be, and yet they never call each other by their first names. Mycroft is the only person who calls Holmes 'Sherlock', and that's because it'd be a little odd if they were both calling each other 'Holmes'. I can't recall anyone calling Watson 'John'. Mary doesn't call Watson 'John'. Er, but she does call him 'James' SO LET'S JUST ASSUME THAT SHE DOESN'T GENERALLY CALL HIM BY HIS FIRST NAME BECAUSE IF SHE DID YOU'D THINK SHE'D KNOW IT, WOULDN'T YOU? WOULDN'T YOU? Fine, I'll admit that Mary calls Watson by a first name, if not his first name, but I really can't see Holmes ever calling him 'John'.

Also also, the word 'cock'. It bothers me at the best of times, but when Watson of all people is saying it it seems quite glaringly out-of-place. (Am I the only person in the world who sees the word 'cock' and automatically thinks 'cockerel'? I am, aren't I?)

Comments

[thebaconfat.livejournal.com]

Man, if there was ever a chance of me going looking for Holmes/Watson fanfic, it's dead now.

I. I have no words. (Is "ROFL" a word?)

Watson will probably be taken aback because Holmes is not given to expressing emotions, but he will be thrilled and - this is the crucial part - he will not think that Holmes is saying 'LOL SEX?'

You are right about everything ever. No sexual meaning! Victorian adults! Yes.

(And yes, 'cock' automatically makes me think 'rooster'. I can hardly think of anything more unexpected or unwelcome in a sexual situation than the sudden appearance of a rooster. This is why I can't read explicit slash.)

[melata-fic.livejournal.com]

"Man, if there was ever a chance of me going looking for Holmes/Watson fanfic, it's dead now."

I'm feeling a bit that way myself.

[squeemu.livejournal.com]

I can hardly think of anything more unexpected or unwelcome in a sexual situation than the sudden appearance of a rooster.

....LMAO. Oh man. I keep picturing someone, like, undoing some guy's pants and a rooster jumping out and be all, "CAW!!" Or just a giant rooster's head in the pants looking around all crazy like, about to peck at someone's hand or whatever.

[thebaconfat.livejournal.com]

Gimme some Hungry Chicken.

[rionaleonhart]

Oh man. I keep picturing someone, like, undoing some guy's pants and a rooster jumping out and be all, "CAW!!"

OH GOD I CAN'T STOP LAUGHING. I think it was the bold "CAW!!" that did it. CAN YOU IMAGINE THE POOR PERSON'S EXPRESSION?

[indigomagpie.livejournal.com]

I can think of something worse than the sudden appearence of a rooster. The sudden appearence of a swan. A male swan. Those things are vicious.

One of them mugged my brother at a picnic last year. One of them tried to mug me at a picnic yesterday.

And unlike male chickens, they themselves possess penises!

[rionaleonhart]

I, er, may sort of desperately want to read a SUDDENLY SWAN ATTACK sex scene now. Other than Leda and the Swan, obviously.

[rionaleonhart]

Man, if there was ever a chance of me going looking for Holmes/Watson fanfic, it's dead now.

Oh dear, I should have thought this entry through before I turned everyone off reading Holmes/Watson. Now there's nobody left to recommend fics to me. Dammit.

(I'm not alone on the cock/rooster thing! I am stunned and also pleased!)

[tiniago.livejournal.com]

Hee. There is good H/W fic out there. Not much, but some. Irene Adler, Dorinda, Veinglory if you like that sort of melodrama (I do); those are the ones I can think of off-hand. Sacrilege! (http://www.hwslash.net/sacrilege.html) has most of it.

Am I the only person in the world who sees the word 'cock' and automatically thinks 'cockerel'? I am, aren't I?

:D Yes. Yes you are.

[rionaleonhart]

Eeee, recs! Thank you so much!

(I actually can't read explicit sex, because whenever anyone starts stroking someone's cock I am immediately catapulted into a heartwarming farmyard scene.)

[squeemu.livejournal.com]

Baco has said everything I want to say already. (I made her not read a Certain Paragraph, though, that has spoilers. Er. Just so you know.)

Anyway! You are so right, and this is pretty much exactly what I was trying to say earlier. About the VICTORIAN ADULTS and the names, and the meaning of words, and not saying certain words, and especially about cocks and cockerels.

I can't stop laughing about Holmes saying, "LOL SEX?" And at Mary not knowing Watson's name. And about cocks. You are hilarious, and actually, it makes me think of roosters too.

Also, I think if I ever read Holmes/Watson fic, I will only do it if you happen to rec it, because I'm terrified of the fandom now.

[reipan.livejournal.com]

Also also, the word 'cock'. It bothers me at the best of times, but when Watson of all people is saying it it seems quite glaringly out-of-place. (Am I the only person in the world who sees the word 'cock' and automatically thinks 'cockerel'? I am, aren't I?)

To be fair (as we have discussed...at some length xD) it's pretty hard to think of synonyms during sex scenes, and sometimes there's no real way of getting around using words like "cock" and "prick". I'm with you - I don't like using them unless it's an actual character *talking* about sex who might use those words, so I don't. But it seems unfair to pan a whole lemon because someone did use it.

...although I take the point that Watson saying it is horrendously out-of-place. Just...in general xD

...

I do not believe I wrote this comment.

[rionaleonhart]

I actually tend not to read lemons at all, firstly because I'm not into fanfiction for the sex, and secondly because the word 'cock' really does throw me into some very odd cockerel-related mental images.

[fer-de-lance.livejournal.com]

I sympathise, though I never had the rooster problem personally.

But it took years for me to stop snickering at "prick," because it sounded to me like something laughable -- like using "peepee" or something. It struck my mental ear as the sort of too-mild, "I would never say bad words!", childish word for something.

Several months in British based fandoms, though (including Holmes) have inured me to it. I still can't imagine an American character using it, though.

[(Anonymous)]

I've sort of got used to "cock" because it seems to be George Martin's default, and George Martin's writing, including his fairly frequent explicit sex scenes, is AMAZING. His other default seems to be "manhood." I know people laugh at that one, but at least it doesn't suggest birds...

(He's a published writer, mind you. Decided to write his own late-mediaeval-European country and his own civil war, plus some evil ice demons that want to freeze the entire world. There are also dragons. The dragons are IMO not the best bit, but hopefully they'll melt the demons if they ever actually meet them.)

(So unlike a lot of fanfic authors, he really does know how to write. His main contact with squeeing fangirls is that one of his narrators is one.)

(Given the dreadful things that happen to her, reading those books might be good therapy for anyone driven nuts by mushy slash that assumes gay men act like the worst passive weepy helpless stereotypes of women in existence, or by other things that you can just imagine Sansa writing if she ever got her hands on a LOTR DVD.)

(I quite like her. But I'm glad she lives in a world that hasn't invented the Internet.)

[bbakerb.livejournal.com]

I am in so much agreement over the "Please, call me Sherlock" style. Nine times out of ten, whichever fandom you're in, it's just completely OOC.

I DO NOT WANT MY HEROES TO GO ALL SLUSHY KTHNX.

And also GO YOU to the use-of-word-love-thing.

[truly-bohemian.livejournal.com]

I know so little about Holmes/Watson fandom. Maybe I should explore more... Jeeves/Bertie is just such a gorgeous, safe pre-WW2 fandom.

I'm supposing that there's quite a bit of good fan-fiction out there too?

[rionaleonhart]

I haven't read all that much myself, but I did enjoy Absurdly Simple, and you should definitely take a look at the Sub Rosa telegram-fic if you haven't already (although it isn't Holmes/Watson).

[woe-in-a-hoodie.livejournal.com]

Ooh, if you like Jeeves & Wooster and Sherlock Holmes, you should read The Case of the Missing Valet (http://www.excessant.com/HI/fiction/jems_bird/missing_valet/missing_valet.htm), which has both. It's wonderfool (so good it makes you gibber)!

[truly-bohemian.livejournal.com]

Oh, thank you! I will be sure to read that as soon as I have the chance; it's so kind of you for mentioning it! Do you know Lord Peter Wimsey? You've probably read it, but there's a lovely bit of fiction called Green Ice, which is a Lord Peter/Jeeves & Wooster crossover. Here's the link, just in case you'd like to read it: http://www.quillsandink.com/fiction/viewstory.php?sid=1048 :D

[ladysmith.livejournal.com]

I'm here from fanficrants, and I think that you are so right in this.

Now, if you want GOOD Holmes fanfic, there's an actual published collection that was authorized by Dame Conan Doyle. The title is "The New adventures of Sherlock Holmes" edited by Martin Greenberg. Included is a Steven King novella that absolutely nails the characterization. I was pleasantly surprised by that, not being a King fan.

[omnipresentdmat.livejournal.com]

Oh, I love Holmes/Watson fandom, but I'll only read recs by authors I know I like because of this sort of thing. Bad characterization in this fandom just...hurts my brain. A lot. I've written two ficlet things, but they were both sort of implied, and, while they aren't wonderful or ground-breaking, they aren't like what you described. I'll take that as a good sign. Ha, proof that not all teenage girls write like fluffy fangirls (that the majority do makes me very sad). The people on the comments should know that there is more good in H/W fandom than most because it's mostly intelligent people who write it, but that there will be the occasional fangirl whose brain is set to "OMGSQUEE" mode, even in a fairly dignified fandom. FAIRLY. I...had better stop here before I write my own rant that doesn't have to do with the main topic at all. Thanks for the lovely and very accurate rant! And other fan-people: THERE IS A LOT OF GOOD H/W. GO READ SOME.

[prototypical]

Here from fanficrants.

Holmes is actually pretty young when the stories take place. It's the movies that make us think he's in his 30's, he's probably 23-24. Laurie R. King's website has a more detailed essay explaining it here and although I'm not taking her word as gospel, it makes more sense to picture a brilliant Victorian twenty-something running around than a man even a decade older.

[rionaleonhart]

Ah, right! I'm not entirely certain of why I was so convinced that he was middle-aged when I wrote this, but yes, his flinging himself upon the ground and crawling around might make slightly more sense if he were younger. Thanks!

[prototypical]

Welcome! It also explains some of his sheer arrogance - young men believe they can do anything with ease and all that.

[twistedsheets10.livejournal.com]

Damn you. Now I'm hunting down good Holmes and Watson fic.

*is converted*

[agent-tomato.livejournal.com]

There's Holmes/Watson fic out there? I didn't know that...I am definitely going to track some down.

It's sad the way people ignore platonic love, isn't it?

The cock=cockerel thing goes the other way, too...we read Macbeth in school last year and all the kids (being the brats they are) snickered loudly whenever there was any reference to "the cock crowed." Drove me crazy.

[inamac.livejournal.com]

The groundlings probably snickered (or laughed outright) at the 'cock' jokes in Shakesphere, which is what he intended when he wrote them (the use of 'cock' for 'penis' in English goes right back to Chaucer).

There has been Holmes/Watson fic out there forever - Rohase Piercy's 'My Dearest Holmes' (google) has the dubious honour of being the first professionaly published slash/fanfic (in 1994).