rionaleonhart | How Hard Can It Be?

Have a Top Gear clip: Clarkson in a Bugatti Veyron races Hammond and May, who are travelling on a private plane piloted by Captain Slow himself. As always, it all goes horribly wrong.

But not quite as horribly wrong as the race to Oslo:
Part One
Part Two
Part Three
Part Four
Part Five.
In which every possible disaster occurs and leaves the boys stranded in the middle of nowhere. It is glorious.

If you haven't got half an hour to spare, there's a two-minute clip here in which they stage the best protest ever. With fluffy leopardskin handcuffs.

I have become a raving Jeremy Clarkson/Porsche Carrera GT ‘shipper. No, seriously. When he was driving it - “I have never felt this before. I’ve never felt anything like it.” - honestly, no matter how glorious Clarkson/Hammond/May may be, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to stop pairing Jeremy Clarkson up with cars.

I really do love this show. Clarkson, when speaking about the turbo charges on the diesel version of a BMW Some Number Beginning With Five (about two minutes and fifteen seconds into the clip), says, “Now, I know most of you won’t be interested in this, so on the left-hand side of the screen now there are some fluffy kittens for you to look at.” You don’t usually get that level of thoughtfulness on TV. (And the kittens were adorable.)

Richard Hammond, when describing the Honda Civic Type R, says, “If it were in a porn film, it would play the stable-lad or the plumber, rather than the smooth international businessman.” Clarkson says of the Porsche Cayenne Turbo that ‘it has the sex appeal of a camel with gingivitis’.

Top Gear has the weirdest analogies ever.

Also, I am incredibly curious as to how high the bidding would have gone if Clarkson actually had auctioned off an evening with Hammond.

dracothelizard has suggested Captain Jack Harkness/the Top Gear team. I mention this in the hope that the idea will burrow into someone else's brain and force them to write it, because it's the last thing I should be doing right now.

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Their analogies make my life complete - I absolutely love them. My favourite are the oversteering/understeering animals and the puppy car, but I have no idea where those bits are!

These clips are just brilliant - I love YouTube so much it's unreal.

The Oslo race is among my favourites, because of the dancing and the catastrohpic mishaps that just keep occurring. I refuse to believe these things are scripted in any way.

OT3 + handcuffs = Jules is incredibly, incredibly happy!

And these fic ideas you lot are throwing about - somebody please, please write them, because I would die happy if you did! Top Gear banter rocks.

The over/understeering animals bit I can help with, it's at the end of this (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Xxvozj4aX8) clip - the magnificent greyhound v. mazda race :)

You're a gem - thank you!

It was the year 2006, a lovely warm evening in August, and Captain Jack Harkness was just about to make the biggest mistake of his life.

"So, you're a fan of cars?" he asked, surreptitiously signalling to the barman for another two glasses.

His companion, short and good-looking and rapidly becoming very drunk indeed, laughed. "Yeah, you could say that. I, um, I present Top Gear on BBC Two." He frowned. "You don't have BBC Two in America, do you?"

The America with which Harkness was familiar didn't have much of anything; it had become completely uninhabitable almost a millennium ago. He didn't say that, though. What he did say was, "Are you interested in other forms of transport?"

Richard was staring at the glass in front of him, looking confused. "How did that get there?"

"It's a gift. Are you interested in other forms of transport?"

"If you've got anything that can beat Jeremy, that'd be nice."

The names 'Jeremy' and 'James' had come up several times during their conversation, and they sounded like interesting people. As far as Jack could tell, James was eccentric but reasonably sensible, while Jeremy was loud and insane and probably one of the most infuriating men alive. Jeremy had a bad back, apparently, but Jack didn't think that would be too much of a problem. If all went well, he hoped he would be able to meet them.

He smirked. "Beat a car? Well, I might have something."

"Really? We've already tried a plane and a train and a boat, so we should probably do something different to keep the viewers interested. What've you got?"

While Richard did seem like the kind of person who might take 'I've got an invisible spaceship' in his stride, Jack didn't want to risk scaring him off just yet. "If you come to Big Ben at midnight, I can show you," he said; and then added, not realising how much he would regret it later, "All three of you."

I am utterly in love with you.

His companion, short and good-looking and rapidly becoming very drunk indeed, laughed.

Actually, this is spot on... all Jack would have to do is get him drunk (not difficult) and talk about cars (a given). It's scary how much sense this makes!

Richard was staring at the glass in front of him, looking confused. "How did that get there?"

Hee!

He smirked. "Beat a car? Well, I might have something."

Ahahaha! I want to see Richard's reaction when confronted by the Chula ship...

As far as Jack could tell, James was eccentric but reasonably sensible, while Jeremy was loud and insane and probably one of the most infuriating men alive.

I suppose a good conman must be a good judge of character by definition... ;)

OH GOD WHAT HAVE I TOLD YOU ABOUT ENCOURAGING ME?

"If he's American, it's probably going to be something huge and unwieldy and incapable of turning corners," Jeremy said. "It'll be a pickup truck. He's going to turn up in a pickup truck and say, 'There you go, you can race in that!'" With an aural equivalent of squinting, it might have been recognisable as an attempt at an American accent. "It's not going to be faster than a car."

"It is, okay?" Richard insisted. "He said it'd be able to beat any car."

"But he didn't tell you what it was?" James asked.

"That's why he told me to come here. He wanted me to see it."

Jeremy raised his eyebrows. "It all sounds like a plan to get you into bed to me."

Richard glared and, his attention distracted from keeping his feet to the pavement, wandered a little way out into the road. "Oh, ha-ha. Why'd he ask me to bring you two along as well, then?"

"I don't want to think about it." Jeremy followed Richard's unsteady pacing with his eyes. "How many did you have, Hammond?"

"Don't know. A few."

Jeremy's retort was abruptly cut off when he found himself two hundred feet in the air with no visible means of support.

YOU SHOULD BE ENCOURAGED! EVERYONE ON THE PLANET SHOULD BE ENCOURAGING YOU!

"If he's American, it's probably going to be something huge and unwieldy and incapable of turning corners,"

Hee! *image flashes into brain of TARDIS on rollerskates*

Jeremy raised his eyebrows. "It all sounds like a plan to get you into bed to me."

...wait, Jeremy figures it out?! Hee!

Jeremy's retort was abruptly cut off when he found himself two hundred feet in the air with no visible means of support.

*snerk* 'Shouting at tractor beams 101...'

Is there anything in existance you couldn't put those three into, I wonder? *hmm*

"Don't move." The voice had an American accent, but Jeremy - looking around uneasily while staying as still as possible - couldn't see who was speaking. Not that he cared too much about that when he couldn't even see what he was standing on. "I don't want you falling off."

Oh, fantastic. So not only had they been teleported into the sky without so much as a by-your-leave, but they were standing on something invisible that they could fall off at any moment.

"I wasn't planning on it myself, but Hammond might have some trouble there," Jeremy said loudly, his eyes on the ever-so-slightly-swaying Richard. "I'm going to guess that you're Jack. It wasn't exactly a brilliant idea to get him drunk and then stick him on something that could kill him if he loses his balance, was it?"

Jack swore. "Okay, wait a second."

The London landscape beneath his feet rippled, to be replaced by the sleek black hull of the sort of spaceship he used to daydream about. Even though Jeremy had decided that he was going to hate the purported car-beater as soon as Richard had mentioned it, he had to admit that it was fairly impressive.

He felt much more at ease now that he was able to see where his feet were. Granted, an enormous spaceship tethered to Big Ben wasn't exactly the sort of thing he was used to, but after being teleported up onto an invisible surface it seemed really rather normal and obvious.

An irritatingly good-looking young man clambered up out of a hatch in the floor and grinned at him. "That better?"

Jeremy stared.

"No wonder you got on so well with Hammond. You were just bonding over your teeth, weren't you?"

*cackles over teeth whitening*

There needs to be more of this.

MORE FIC PLZ YES.

I love it very much but I'm not going to be able to express it properly because I am overwhelmed by the fact that you wrote it and that it works and that it is sheer loveliness.

One thing though, where's James?

And if you get Top Gear Dog involved somehow, I will love you lots.

How Hard Can It Be?

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