rionaleonhart | How Hard Can It Be?

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How Hard Can It Be?

Have a Top Gear clip: Clarkson in a Bugatti Veyron races Hammond and May, who are travelling on a private plane piloted by Captain Slow himself. As always, it all goes horribly wrong.

But not quite as horribly wrong as the race to Oslo:
Part One
Part Two
Part Three
Part Four
Part Five.
In which every possible disaster occurs and leaves the boys stranded in the middle of nowhere. It is glorious.

If you haven't got half an hour to spare, there's a two-minute clip here in which they stage the best protest ever. With fluffy leopardskin handcuffs.

I have become a raving Jeremy Clarkson/Porsche Carrera GT ‘shipper. No, seriously. When he was driving it - “I have never felt this before. I’ve never felt anything like it.” - honestly, no matter how glorious Clarkson/Hammond/May may be, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to stop pairing Jeremy Clarkson up with cars.

I really do love this show. Clarkson, when speaking about the turbo charges on the diesel version of a BMW Some Number Beginning With Five (about two minutes and fifteen seconds into the clip), says, “Now, I know most of you won’t be interested in this, so on the left-hand side of the screen now there are some fluffy kittens for you to look at.” You don’t usually get that level of thoughtfulness on TV. (And the kittens were adorable.)

Richard Hammond, when describing the Honda Civic Type R, says, “If it were in a porn film, it would play the stable-lad or the plumber, rather than the smooth international businessman.” Clarkson says of the Porsche Cayenne Turbo that ‘it has the sex appeal of a camel with gingivitis’.

Top Gear has the weirdest analogies ever.

Also, I am incredibly curious as to how high the bidding would have gone if Clarkson actually had auctioned off an evening with Hammond.

dracothelizard has suggested Captain Jack Harkness/the Top Gear team. I mention this in the hope that the idea will burrow into someone else's brain and force them to write it, because it's the last thing I should be doing right now.

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Now, what's this about adorable kittens on Top Gear?

Still, it is quite thoughtful of them to think of the people watching who don't care about cars AT ALL. Because obviously people who don't care about cars will watch a tv program about cars.

They had the caravanning in the Best Of yesterday. It was still very very amusing, and it has taught me so much.

And the Oslo race is GENIUS because it re-defines the Hamster Dance.

"Captain Jack Harkness/the Top Gear team"

I know I suggested this BUT I think this will depend on what Torchwood will be like, because you can obviously bring the two together because Torchwood thinks Stig is an alien. And then there is shagging, because naturally Captain Jack is sent to investigate.

Here! The kittens come in at about 2.15.

I know I suggested this BUT I think this will depend on what Torchwood will be like, because you can obviously bring the two together because Torchwood thinks Stig is an alien. And then there is shagging, because naturally Captain Jack is sent to investigate.

You really are able to create a crackfic crossover prompt for any occasion, aren't you? I don't know how you manage it.

I choose to arbitrarily blame my Dutchness. The crack flows in my veins. Otherwise, I have no explanation!

Top Gear has the weirdest analogies ever.

I think my favourite was Clarkson saying a car (I can't even remember which one, I was laughing so hard) had the 'aerodynamic properties of Elton John'.

...Captain Jack Harkness/the Top Gear team...

Of course. It makes perfect sense! *Is NOT going to write it because she has enough lunatic fic on her hands, thank you very much*

Also, I am incredibly curious as to how high the bidding would have gone if Clarkson actually had auctioned off an evening with Hammond.

...And now I have this mad image of Messrs Clarkson and May putting him on Ebay... I need to get out more...

A Reliant Robin TARDIS OMG.

That reminds me, I need to make some lovely icons as well!

I had a lot of time on my hands and a copy of photoshop... :)

That reminds me, I need to make some lovely icons as well!

Yee! :D

Your icon is amazing. Hooray for icon injokes that almost nobody will get!

Hammond would fetch quite a price on eBay, I imagine.

*Is NOT going to write it because she has enough lunatic fic on her hands, thank you very much*

...please?

Hooray for icon injokes that almost nobody will get!

I have a few of those ;) And all the icons I make are always stealable, if you're ever so inclined. :)

...please?

Ask Draco what she's got me writing! It's kinda broken my brain...

Actually, I was thinking of putting the TG3 in my NaNo novel this year, which is a sequel to last year's (which I'm still finishing, dammit) which involved the concept of fanfics as alternate dimensions in their own rights, the TARDIS crew and certain Geordies... so the Jack attack could yet happen...

"It's kinda broken my brain..."

I got you writing Richard/James caravan!fic, and I might be responsible for the James/Jonathan Creek, that's all.

Oh! Almost NaNo time again! I'm only certain that it will again feature Kyle Katarn the Jedi, and Russell Watson the singing ghost.

I got you writing Richard/James caravan!fic, and I might be responsible for the James/Jonathan Creek, that's all.

Mmm, and I'm still trying to get my head around slashing a fictional character with a real person... that doesn't mean, however, that I'm not trying ;) (I spent Sunday in a forest... well, in a car in a forest... doing first aid cover for a horse-riding thing, and the notebook, and a slew of James/Jonathan bunnies came with me...)

Oh! Almost NaNo time again! I'm only certain that it will again feature Kyle Katarn the Jedi, and Russell Watson the singing ghost.

Oh brilliant! The last appearence of Ghost!Russell was a hoot!

"and a slew of James/Jonathan bunnies came with me..."

Yay!

Does this mean you actually have a story of sorts now?

"The last appearence of Ghost!Russell was a hoot!"

I LOVE Russell and Kyle together. It's just so stupid, Russell Watson is a real person I know nothing about, and Kyle Katarn is a Jedi I know nothing about, and together they have appeared in all three of my Nano's!

Does this mean you actually have a story of sorts now?

Lets not get carried away here! Yeah, I have a basic... thing. I hesitate to call it a plot. It's all handwritten scribbles at the moment though, and there's this bit I can't figure out because the car was moving at the time and it sort of slopes off the page...

"I have a basic... thing."

Well, a thing is always good to have. Remember, there's supposed to be juvenile making out in the back, and I think we agreed that they could bond over Jonathan's lack of driving skills or something.

There is making out in the back seat... that's when Maddy finds them, actually.

and I think we agreed that they could bond over Jonathan's lack of driving skills or something.

Well, they have this very loaded conversation that's (on the surface) about the mystery-that-isn't and James takes Jonathan off in an Alfa, (backseats for the making out in) to try and change his mind about cars, so I think that counts?

"they have this very loaded conversation that's (on the surface) about the mystery-that-isn't"

I like this idea and I would like to hear more.

"James takes Jonathan off in an Alfa, (backseats for the making out in) to try and change his mind about cars,"

Yay! I do hope that Jeremy goes 'WHAT?!' a lot when he finds out Jonathan has no driver's license.

I like this idea and I would like to hear more.

The mystery-that-isn't, or the loaded conversation?

Yay! I do hope that Jeremy goes 'WHAT?!' a lot when he finds out Jonathan has no driver's license.

Of course! I need to write him and Maddy arguing a lot too... hmm...

"The mystery-that-isn't, or the loaded conversation?"

Both!

"Of course! I need to write him and Maddy arguing a lot too... hmm..."

While Jeremy and Maddy argue, James can whisk Jonathan away and then once Maddy punched Jeremy, she can go 'Hang on, where's Jonathan?'

And Richard can cuddle TG or something while all this happens.

Well, the mystery-that-isn't is just someone being mischevious, it's not that interesting, but it does set up a few things... like that conversation...

*-*-*-*

"I quite enjoy it, you know," he lay back against the slope, arms crossed under his head, and sighed in contentment before continuing, "the detective bit. Sometimes. When there's someone around to ask good questions."

He kept his gaze on the clouds, missed the slight twitch at the corner of James's mouth.

"Maddy doesn't?"

Jonathan smiled.

"She asks loud questions!"

"I see."

*-*-*-*

There's more than that, of course, and Jonathan wides James up a bit, and then there's the car... *g*

I need to get all this typed up and finished...

And Richard can cuddle TG or something while all this happens.

I've got other plans for him...

"I've got other plans for him..."

Is he doing the mischievous thing?

"There's more than that, of course, and Jonathan wides James up a bit, and then there's the car..."

I STILL want to know more even though that bit is lovely. And of course Jonathan secretly likes the detective bit, for all the moaning he does about it.

Is he doing the mischievous thing?

Not really... *g* (*is mysterious, to avoid people noticing she has bad ideas*)

I STILL want to know more even though that bit is lovely. And of course Jonathan secretly likes the detective bit, for all the moaning he does about it.

I've always thought that too, he'd never EVER admit it, but i think he does, a bit.

"*is mysterious, to avoid people noticing she has bad ideas*"

Awwr, you knew all about the Stig's evil, evil plan! Well, you DID help me think of it, so that's only fair.

Ooooh! TG is doing the mischievous thing!

"he'd never EVER admit it, but i think he does, a bit."

He loves figuring things out and then being all quietly smug to Maddy when she doesn't get it yet.

Awwr, you knew all about the Stig's evil, evil plan! Well, you DID help me think of it, so that's only fair.

Heh, I'll spam you with a bit more when I've got it all typed up, ok?

Ooooh! TG is doing the mischievous thing!

*laughs* Now I want to read a mystery where the dog is the culprit, just for yuks!

He loves figuring things out and then being all quietly smug to Maddy when she doesn't get it yet.

True... and that should have said 'admit it to maddy' since he just has admitted it, but then, James won't tell ;)

"Heh, I'll spam you with a bit more when I've got it all typed up, ok?"

I love spam like that :D

"Now I want to read a mystery where the dog is the culprit, just for yuks!"

Riona thought that TG might simply be hiding in a cupboard in the office in my Who Let The Dog Out fic. Thing is, it is quite plausible for TG to do that and fall asleep there.

"James won't tell ;)"

Hurrah! I'm sure James knows all about being quietly smug at people.

There is making out in the back seat... that's when Maddy finds them, actually.

I THINK I MAY SORT OF DESPERATELY HAVE TO READ THIS RIGHT NOW.

I caught a repeat of the Oslo race on cable telly the other day and it was even better than I remembered.

Captain Jack Harkness/the Top Gear team

Hee! I'm imagining this set in Jack's conman days, with him luring them back to his Chula ship for a torrid night, but finding he can't get them to shut up about "POWERRR!" and "what does this button do?" and "how do you make it go invisible??"

I mustn't think about this further because that way lies madness.

...luring them back to his Chula ship for a torrid night, but finding he can't get them to shut up about "POWERRR!" and "what does this button do?" and "how do you make it go invisible??"

I'M ALREADY IN LOVE WITH THIS FANFIC AND IT HASN'T EVEN BEEN WRITTEN YET

THIS IS NOT FAIR

Argh! Why do people keep coming up with amazing ideas and then saying 'I'm not going to think about this any more'? It's getting more and more difficult to resist.

Their analogies make my life complete - I absolutely love them. My favourite are the oversteering/understeering animals and the puppy car, but I have no idea where those bits are!

These clips are just brilliant - I love YouTube so much it's unreal.

The Oslo race is among my favourites, because of the dancing and the catastrohpic mishaps that just keep occurring. I refuse to believe these things are scripted in any way.

OT3 + handcuffs = Jules is incredibly, incredibly happy!

And these fic ideas you lot are throwing about - somebody please, please write them, because I would die happy if you did! Top Gear banter rocks.

The over/understeering animals bit I can help with, it's at the end of this (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Xxvozj4aX8) clip - the magnificent greyhound v. mazda race :)

You're a gem - thank you!

It was the year 2006, a lovely warm evening in August, and Captain Jack Harkness was just about to make the biggest mistake of his life.

"So, you're a fan of cars?" he asked, surreptitiously signalling to the barman for another two glasses.

His companion, short and good-looking and rapidly becoming very drunk indeed, laughed. "Yeah, you could say that. I, um, I present Top Gear on BBC Two." He frowned. "You don't have BBC Two in America, do you?"

The America with which Harkness was familiar didn't have much of anything; it had become completely uninhabitable almost a millennium ago. He didn't say that, though. What he did say was, "Are you interested in other forms of transport?"

Richard was staring at the glass in front of him, looking confused. "How did that get there?"

"It's a gift. Are you interested in other forms of transport?"

"If you've got anything that can beat Jeremy, that'd be nice."

The names 'Jeremy' and 'James' had come up several times during their conversation, and they sounded like interesting people. As far as Jack could tell, James was eccentric but reasonably sensible, while Jeremy was loud and insane and probably one of the most infuriating men alive. Jeremy had a bad back, apparently, but Jack didn't think that would be too much of a problem. If all went well, he hoped he would be able to meet them.

He smirked. "Beat a car? Well, I might have something."

"Really? We've already tried a plane and a train and a boat, so we should probably do something different to keep the viewers interested. What've you got?"

While Richard did seem like the kind of person who might take 'I've got an invisible spaceship' in his stride, Jack didn't want to risk scaring him off just yet. "If you come to Big Ben at midnight, I can show you," he said; and then added, not realising how much he would regret it later, "All three of you."

I am utterly in love with you.

His companion, short and good-looking and rapidly becoming very drunk indeed, laughed.

Actually, this is spot on... all Jack would have to do is get him drunk (not difficult) and talk about cars (a given). It's scary how much sense this makes!

Richard was staring at the glass in front of him, looking confused. "How did that get there?"

Hee!

He smirked. "Beat a car? Well, I might have something."

Ahahaha! I want to see Richard's reaction when confronted by the Chula ship...

As far as Jack could tell, James was eccentric but reasonably sensible, while Jeremy was loud and insane and probably one of the most infuriating men alive.

I suppose a good conman must be a good judge of character by definition... ;)

OH GOD WHAT HAVE I TOLD YOU ABOUT ENCOURAGING ME?

"If he's American, it's probably going to be something huge and unwieldy and incapable of turning corners," Jeremy said. "It'll be a pickup truck. He's going to turn up in a pickup truck and say, 'There you go, you can race in that!'" With an aural equivalent of squinting, it might have been recognisable as an attempt at an American accent. "It's not going to be faster than a car."

"It is, okay?" Richard insisted. "He said it'd be able to beat any car."

"But he didn't tell you what it was?" James asked.

"That's why he told me to come here. He wanted me to see it."

Jeremy raised his eyebrows. "It all sounds like a plan to get you into bed to me."

Richard glared and, his attention distracted from keeping his feet to the pavement, wandered a little way out into the road. "Oh, ha-ha. Why'd he ask me to bring you two along as well, then?"

"I don't want to think about it." Jeremy followed Richard's unsteady pacing with his eyes. "How many did you have, Hammond?"

"Don't know. A few."

Jeremy's retort was abruptly cut off when he found himself two hundred feet in the air with no visible means of support.

YOU SHOULD BE ENCOURAGED! EVERYONE ON THE PLANET SHOULD BE ENCOURAGING YOU!

"If he's American, it's probably going to be something huge and unwieldy and incapable of turning corners,"

Hee! *image flashes into brain of TARDIS on rollerskates*

Jeremy raised his eyebrows. "It all sounds like a plan to get you into bed to me."

...wait, Jeremy figures it out?! Hee!

Jeremy's retort was abruptly cut off when he found himself two hundred feet in the air with no visible means of support.

*snerk* 'Shouting at tractor beams 101...'

Is there anything in existance you couldn't put those three into, I wonder? *hmm*

"Don't move." The voice had an American accent, but Jeremy - looking around uneasily while staying as still as possible - couldn't see who was speaking. Not that he cared too much about that when he couldn't even see what he was standing on. "I don't want you falling off."

Oh, fantastic. So not only had they been teleported into the sky without so much as a by-your-leave, but they were standing on something invisible that they could fall off at any moment.

"I wasn't planning on it myself, but Hammond might have some trouble there," Jeremy said loudly, his eyes on the ever-so-slightly-swaying Richard. "I'm going to guess that you're Jack. It wasn't exactly a brilliant idea to get him drunk and then stick him on something that could kill him if he loses his balance, was it?"

Jack swore. "Okay, wait a second."

The London landscape beneath his feet rippled, to be replaced by the sleek black hull of the sort of spaceship he used to daydream about. Even though Jeremy had decided that he was going to hate the purported car-beater as soon as Richard had mentioned it, he had to admit that it was fairly impressive.

He felt much more at ease now that he was able to see where his feet were. Granted, an enormous spaceship tethered to Big Ben wasn't exactly the sort of thing he was used to, but after being teleported up onto an invisible surface it seemed really rather normal and obvious.

An irritatingly good-looking young man clambered up out of a hatch in the floor and grinned at him. "That better?"

Jeremy stared.

"No wonder you got on so well with Hammond. You were just bonding over your teeth, weren't you?"

*cackles over teeth whitening*

There needs to be more of this.

MORE FIC PLZ YES.

I love it very much but I'm not going to be able to express it properly because I am overwhelmed by the fact that you wrote it and that it works and that it is sheer loveliness.

One thing though, where's James?

And if you get Top Gear Dog involved somehow, I will love you lots.

The best thing about that Oslo trip is that they go from being slashable to actively inviting slash. And Hammond just kinda looks at the camera like "I know exactly what's happening but am powerless to prevent it. Help me."

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How Hard Can It Be?

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