rionaleonhart | Definitely A Green Bottle Protection Racket.

Crossposts: http://rionaleonhart.livejournal.com/404457.html

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Definitely A Green Bottle Protection Racket.

SOMEONE BROKE INTO THE HOUSE WHILE I WAS IN IT. I was in the sitting room downstairs and they came in through an upstairs window. I heard someone moving around and thought Rei had come home and called up to her and there was a sudden scuffling noise and I went upstairs and SURPRISE, ALL THE BEDROOMS WERE RANSACKED. I don't think they've taken anything important - I think they were specifically looking for cash, so all I've lost is a £5 note that was in my purse - so it's a very mild break-in as break-ins go, but I'm a bit shaken. I was in the house!

It's sort of hilarious because there wasn't really anything of value upstairs, so our thief has gone to a great deal of effort for very little return. 'A jewellery box! Finally! ...containing a pair of cheap Bulbasaur earrings.' Also, one of the bedrooms here contains a lot of sex toys carefully stowed out of sight. I love the idea of the thief going, 'Okay, here's a box hidden behind shoes in the back of the wardrobe, there must be something good in here,' and then... no, just more sex toys. Sorry.

Not looking forward to a full day of work after about four hours of troubled sleep, but we'll see how it goes. Couldn't this person have broken in when I had a less important deadline?

On a lighter note, a conversation between me and Rei this morning:

'Hello?'
'?'
'Did you just make a noise?'
'...I just farted.'
'Oh. It sounded like you were trying to attract my attention.'
'I was. I do that by farting.'

Interesting facts and/or terrible jokes would be a welcome distraction, if you have any to hand!

Here are the latest results from our terrible game of reproducing lyrics in fridge poetry:

'Everyone give it up for America's favourite fighting Frenchman' (Hamilton, 'Guns and Ships'): 'abandon it for the energetic knife man of eastish west the unfree world adores'. ('Unfree world' isn't a political comment on modern America; this song is set during the American Revolution!)

'God bless Mother Nature, she's a single woman too' (The Weather Girls, 'It's Raining Men'): 'sublime king please be gracious to grass mum she's at most one lady'.

Rei gave me the challenge 'love is kinda spooky with a spooky little boy like you', ostensibly from Dusty Springfield's 'Spooky'. I've looked it up now, and it seems this is not the actual lyric! (Love is kinda crazy, apparently.) But it's what I tried to reproduce. I ended up with 'love is discomforting with you the little fear boy'.

'Turn around, bend over, I'll show you where my shoe fits' (Hamilton, 'Cabinet Battle #1'): 'look behind moon me see the landscape my shoe needs to be in'.

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That sounds genuinely scary! I don't blame you for being rattled.

If you're up for it, you can play Guess What Country I'm In! Bonus points for playing Guess What Country I Was In Last Night. (Hint - they're both countries where I neither reside nor have citizenship.)

Aside from that, the only terrible jokes I know are various Guy/Duck/Piece of String Walks Into A Bar ones, and the one my friend in the Philippines told me when I mentioned humor often didn't translate.

Here's the joke:

Who killed Magellan?
Lapu-lapu.
Who killed Lapu-lapu?
The cuisinera!

It's funny because it's baffling!

I'm having the world's most unproductive work day and it's so frustrating. I was doing so well yesterday, and now I can't concentrate at all! THANKS, BURGLAR. HOPE YOUR FIVE POUNDS WERE WORTH IT.

You're in Panama! I am basing this guess entirely on the fact that I'm playing Uncharted 4 and Nate is in Panama. Well, he was in Panama. He's now in Scotland, but I feel I'd know if you were there.

I remember that joke! It's good to see it again.

YOU ARE BEING ECONOMICALLY INEFFICIENT, BURGLAR!

Entirely the wrong continent, for both countries. (Which are not on the same continent as each other.)

You've heard it! How about this one?

A piece of string walks into a bar. The bartender jerks his thumb at a sign. "No string!" The string looks, bows his upper bit, and slinks out of the bar.

Outside the bar he ties himself up, unravels his ends and goes back in.

The bartender glares. "What did I say?"

"You said no string!"

"Yes!"

"Well?"

"Aren't you a piece of string?"

"No, I'm a frayed knot."

You've gone from India to the Ivory Coast. You may think you haven't, but I assure you you have.

A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'

The country I transited through does have a non-Roman writing system, and a famous culinary tradition involving spicy food with flat bread.

A duck walks into a bar, asks "Got any grapes?" The bartender says "No, we don't have any grapes, this is a bar."

The next day, the duck walks back into the bar and asks "Got any grapes?" The bartender goes "No you stupid duck, this is a bar! Get out of here!"

The next day the duck walks back into the bar and asks "Got any grapes?" The bartender screams "Get out of here you goddamn duck! If you come back asking for grapes one more time, I'll nail your feet to the floor!"

The duck comes back to the bar the next day and asks, "Got any nails?"

The bartender sighs. "No, we don't have nails. Why the hell would we have nails?"

The duck asks, "Got any grapes?"

My favourite thing about this joke is that there's absolutely no reason for the patron to be a duck. It would work just as well without a duck involved. But it's a duck.

Oh no! D: It's always upsetting to me when there's a minor violation of my house, since it's more or less my safe space, and that's based on little things like, "now there are a lot of ants in the computer room!" You can't blame ants, they didn't know better. Humans should.

I am delighted about the box of sex toys, though.

I am also consistently delighted by your fridge lyrics game! "See the landscape my shoe needs to be in" is quite possibly my favorite interpretation, although honestly, "love is discomforting with you the little fear boy" is up there. Possibly because it makes me think of Seifer. >__>

Um, in researching interesting facts yesterday to include in fic, I stumbled across the ancient tradition of packing wounds with sugar. Apparently there was something to this -- the sugar supposedly draws out the moisture, causing the bacteria to desiccate before they can do any damage. Of course, as you might guess, the body is a very good source of moisture, so if you didn't wash/reapply frequently, I suspect you would just end up feeding bacteria and causing a worse infection.

That may not have been comforting, in retrospect. Um.

DID YOU KNOW

THAT

......HANG ON I GOT THIS

......

IN RUSSIAN, the literal translation of "I have a pencil" would be "By me is (a) pencil?" I thought this was a very roundabout way of describing ownership before it dawned on me that it is also a very communist way of describing ownership. I have no idea if it's a result of communism, though, or if this is just the traditional way of talking about it.

(I have recently start going through the Russian course in Duolingo. It's quite interesting! And much harder for me to pick up than the early German lessons.)

Clearing up the mess the thief made, I was pettily pleased every time I came across something it must have been awkward to discover. At one point they'd opened a pouch of reusable sanitary towels, pulled a couple out and then evidently gone '...you know what, I don't need to look through this pouch any more.'

That fact about Russian is fascinating! Someone must have done a study to try to determine whether a language's way of describing ownership inclines the speakers towards particular political interpretations of ownership, surely.

Daaaang! I'm so sorry that happened to you, and also that the burglar didn't have enough common sense to realize the value of a good pair of bulbasaur earrings. Like, come on, that's #001 right there!

...In all seriousness, though, I'm very glad to hear you're all right. That had to be really upsetting to find.

Interesting facts, interesting facts... umm, most of mine are more 'inane' than 'interesting', but I can try!

-Bees create beewax by secreting it from a gland in their lower abdomen; they start be able to produce it when their about a week old and age out of the ability by the time they're three weeks old. (Picture here, though fair warning it looks a bit strange.)

-There's a bird called the potoo that camouflages itself to look like a broken tree branch, and when not stretched-out and hidden looks like nothing so much as a perpetually-surprised muppet.

-The most popular non-music-related video on Youtube is episode seventeen of the Russian cartoon Masha and the Bear.

and also that the burglar didn't have enough common sense to realize the value of a good pair of bulbasaur earrings. Like, come on, that's #001 right there!

I cracked up at this. Absolutely true! It turns out my poor housemates have lost a lot of jewellery (I was protected by the fact that I own no jewellery actually worth anything), but the survival of Rei's Bulbasaur earrings is a definite consolation.

WHAT IS THAT BEE FACT

They only produce it over two weeks? This is so weird! Thank you; this is an absolute success on the distraction front.

Aw, my sympathies - the same thing happened to me several years ago, some of my housemates' things were stolen.

Distractions? Hmm, the world's slashiest Superman and Batman comic: http://the-isb.blogspot.co.uk/2005/11/where-they-went-wrong-superman-and.html

I'm sorry you've been through this; it's no fun at all.

Good Lord, that comic is extraordinary. 'It would be better if neither of us spent this night alone' would have been slashy enough on its own!

I swear every time you talk about Rei she becomes more and more appealing omg. I want a best friend like her. :(

I'm sorry about the break in, but so glad you weren't hurt. I must admit, if I was a burglar and broke in finding someone's sex toys, I'd probably retire. That's got to be the most awkward situation to run into.

I showed Rei this comment. She was so pleased. (And then she read the entry and said, 'You know, for future reference, it's fine to say that the sex toys were mine.')

Hahahaha. A+, Rei. A+.

Oh, I'm so sorry, that's so terrifying! I'm really glad you're okay. Even if they didn't take much that's still such a horrible violation.

I'm guessing you've already seen it, probably, but all this Ham4Pamphlet art is really neat:

http://www.arielle-jovellanos.com/hamilton/#/ham4pamphlet/

I had not seen that art; it's gorgeous! (And, to be honest, I was crying by the end.) Thank you so much for the link!

The cast reaction was really sweet as well!

http://jovaline.tumblr.com/post/145691685679/augustbird-ham4pamphlet-see-the-art

That's absolutely terrifying! I'm really sorry that happened, but I'm glad they didn't get much? The box of sex toys is a beautiful thing though and I hope the burglar regretted every life choice.

I am terrible at jokes, so here are facts that are interesting to me and maybe not actually true!

If you get a gecko on your face, the best way to remove it is to peel it off like a sticker, because if you try to pull it off it will hold on tighter and you will lose skin.

Switzerland was rigged to explode until... Last year, I think? They rigged every road, bridge and tunnel into the country with explosives during WWII to enforce their neutrality, and just... Kept maintaining them afterwards?

They've recently discovered huge medieval cities under Cambodia and every picture I've seen has looked like something that Nathan Drake would jump off.

Euch- it's such a nasty shaken-up, unsafe feeling in the aftermath.
http://qi.com/feed?filter=fact has a whole bunch of interesting facts! One from the 4th of June:

In 1920, Clarence Blethen retired hurt from a baseball match after biting himself on the bottom with the false teeth he kept in his back pocket.

My comment with a link to QI's facts feed was marked as spam, so I shall genuinely spam you by commenting twice. Nice going, LJ filters!
A fact from 2 June:
When John Hetherington ventured out in public wearing the first top hat, it was considered so shocking that children screamed, women fainted and a small boy broke his arm in the chaos.

I was grumbling away, going, 'God, Livejournal, why would you mark a comment from a friend as spam?' and then I checked and SOMEHOW I NEVER ADDED YOU TO MY FRIENDS LIST. How on Earth did that happen? Rectified!

These facts are delightful; thank you!

Jesus. I'm glad you're okay. That's some scary shit.

(My second week on the job last year, I walked into my office and accidentally interrupted a dude stealing from my purse. It was SO AWKWARD. Afterwards, I remember thinking, "Man, we both handled this very poorly. We should have rehearsed this more, somehow.")

Eek, that does sound awkward. This is why I'll never be a criminal; I wouldn't be able to cope with the embarrassment.

I'M GLAD YOU'RE ALRIGHT OMG :O

Thank you! I am also pretty glad, you'll be surprised to hear. I was unsettled to learn, after we'd taken a full inventory, that what had been taken was a lot of jewellery... and a folding knife.

WELL THAT'S FUCKING ALARMING? Uh osdhv oaihdva. Do you have... plans for somehow ... making it not happen in future?

Somehow making it not happen in future is very much a priority right now. I called up the letting agent to ask if they'd send someone to establish whether they could fit restrictors on the windows so they can't open wide enough to admit a person. (The letting agent's response was basically 'pfft, this is North London, you're going to get burgled' and I cried at them until they went 'okay, okay, we'll send someone.')

Your letting agent is full of SHIT, I have lived in North London 15 years this autumn and been burgled ONCE, in a place which was on the ground floor and had LITERALLY NO LOCKS because they'd all broken. Good job on getting them to send someone out and good luck. :(

I live in North London, and when I managed somehow to drop my wallet outside my front gate and wander off without noticing, I got home to find a note through the door and a Facebook message from a previously-unmet neighbour saying that she had it safe. (And it's not even a nice bit of North London.)

Exactly, ugh. Letting agent is full of liiiiiies.

Based on my own experiences with my letting agent, I think that's pretty standard for them. (I am in an area where some people were killed in a drive-by shooting last year, and yet we are still not some sort of lawless wasteland where everyone has resigned themselves to being burgled. Imagine!)

Yipe! I'm glad you're ok, it's a horrible feeling. I dunno if you're still looking for nice things, (and you might already have seen this) but it made me smile so hopefully will you, too http://www.bbc.co.uk/newsbeat/article/36488273/the-story-of-the-mysterious-harry-potter-plaque

(Also hi! *hugs*)

Awww, that's a very cute story. (It's good to see you!)

I am strangely lacking in both interesting facts and funny jokes, but it occurred to me that I could link you to my favourite Clickhole articles, so!

http://www.clickhole.com/quiz/which-one-my-garbage-sons-are-you-1458
http://www.clickhole.com/quiz/please-do-not-take-game-thrones-quiz-until-we-figu-4338
http://www.clickhole.com/article/5-cattle-got-mall-ranked-how-bad-they-are-escalato-4169
http://www.clickhole.com/article/7-hillarys-stances-could-back-haunt-her-3831
http://www.clickhole.com/article/9-geese-who-have-taken-over-my-daughters-bedroom-a-3981
http://www.clickhole.com/clickventure/youre-computer-can-you-pass-turing-test-4009#27,
http://www.clickhole.com/clickventure/youre-self-driving-car-can-you-become-sentient-and-3850#2,
http://www.clickhole.com/clickventure/can-you-escape-hell-3660#1,
http://www.clickhole.com/clickventure/lives-and-loves-er-2647#1,

I guess also have the loveliest Harry Potter fanfiction ever? http://livesandliesofwizards.tumblr.com/post/71716335915/source-the-old-man-with-the-long-long-beard

How alarming! I'm glad not much was taken, though. (That thief has no taste. I think Bulbasaur earrings sounds fantastic, and I don't even have pierced ears.)

If you still want distracting (or even if you don't), please enjoy this list of records of members of parliament of the United Kingdom, containg such delights as "Heaviest MP". There are also a lot of ridiculous accidental deaths. We need to stop electing people who fall off things. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Records_of_members_of_parliament_of_the_United_Kingdom

I'm sorry you got burgled. :(
It reminds me of when our former next door neighbours got burgled, they were actually quite affronted by the fact that the burglars went through their entire jewellery box and decided most of it wasn't nice or valuable enough to steal. Also they were really annoyed because the burglars stole one of the patterned pillowcases from their bed (presumably to use to carry off the items they did take, unless one of the burglars had a desperate need for a replacement pillowcase to match their own bedding set).

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Definitely A Green Bottle Protection Racket.

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