rionaleonhart | For This Is A Volvo, The Caravan's Friend.

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For This Is A Volvo, The Caravan's Friend.

It seems that, no matter where I decide my limits fanfiction-wise are, I am always completely wrong. To wit:

Riona: No, I'm never going to write interspecies romance. Because that would be ridiculous.
Jak II: HEY WHY NOT WRITE TORN/PECKER FIC?
Riona: ...because it makes no sense whatsoever, the characters never even meet in canon and they're completely different species?
Microsoft Word Document: Too late, you've already written it.
Riona: What?

Riona: Hmmm. Threesomes are a bit much, really, aren't they? Not, I think, an aspect of fanfiction I'm going to get involved in.
The Doctor, Rose and Jack: Oh, really?
Riona: ...oh. Oh, I see.

Riona: Eh, I'm not really into crossovers.
Doctor Who: Hey, wouldn't it be interesting if my characters went to Silent Hill?
Riona: ...er, I suppose so?
Assorted Memes: We force you to cross various fandoms over. This is usually

draegonhawke's fault.
Riona: ...hey, this is kind of fun.
Silent Hill: Hey, did you realise that I can be crossed over with everything?
House and Scrubs: Hey, wouldn't we go so well together?
Top Gear and Harry Potter: Hey, we probably wouldn't go well together, but wouldn't we be fun to write?
Riona: ARGH WHEN DID I GET ADDICTED TO CROSSOVERS?

Riona: Er, I find real-person slash really kind of bizarre and unnerving. I don't think I'll ever write it. I really don't know why people -
Clarkson, Hammond and May: (bicker and snipe and flirt and have the most wonderful dynamic ever)
Riona: Argh! Where did my principles go?

Riona: Well, at least I'll never be a fan of human/inanimate object.
Clarkson: OH MY GOD BUGATTI VEYRON LOVELOVELOVELOVELOVE.
Riona: Um -
Clarkson: (on an Alfa Romeo) All I have to do is picture it in black with tan leather and I'm nursing a semi.
Riona: DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT.

There, er, really isn't much point to this. This is mainly random musing, because I've been writing Really Rather A Lot Of Top Gear Slash recently and feeling incredibly guilty about it. The thing is, the Clarkson/Hammond/May dynamic is a wonderful one that I'm just not going to be able to find anywhere else. If I want to explore it (and I really, really do), I have to write RPS.

(I do have limits with RPS that I don't with regular fanfiction. I can't bring their wives into it. I can't deal with things such as infidelity and divorce and death when I'm writing about real, living people. I don't write serious, heavy angst; partially because that's just not what I love about Top Gear, but also because there's a guilt factor that you just don't get when the characters are fictional.)

Also, if this pattern continues, I'm probably going to end up writing necrophilia. Which worries me.

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I have no idea where Hammond is. Most of the scenes in this notebook are just random things that occur to me and may-or-may-not be continued at some point in the future.

Also, I CAN'T STOP LAUGHING. The last line is so fantastic. And just - the sheer evilness of attaching a caravan to him while he's sleeping (hee hee sleeping car!), and I'm rather intrigued by James' bruises - so do things that happen to them in car form cross over to the human form as well?

Jeremy/Veyron for you! These two snippets are completely unconnected. Or are they?

"I can't believe she left me," he said bleakly, staring unfocused at the opposite wall.

"Well, be reasonable, Jeremy: she did cost five million pounds. Volkswagen couldn't exactly have left it with you."

-
Jeremy is in love with the car, but Richard isn't jealous. Because that would be insane, and he can't really blame him (it's got one thousand brake horsepower), and anyway, he doesn't really care what Clarkson does. Not really.

It never crosses his mind that there could be anything remotely odd about envying a car more than the person who shares Jeremy's slightly alarming affection. The three of them fit together so well that it never occurs to him to question it or feel jealousy. It's not him-and-Clarkson, him-and-James; it's him-and-Clarkson-and-James, and it always has been.

And now it's Clarkson-and-the-Bugatti-Veyron as well, and he can't believe that this is still bothering him.

Oh god, Richard is trying to be sensible about this and yet he CAN'T. Also, OT3 forever! And Richard shouldn't say anything, he's in True Car Love with the Zonda.

"so do things that happen to them in car form cross over to the human form as well?"

Well, I think so. Whatever Jeremy puts them through (I'm still not quite sure what), it will leave its mark.

---

“I was going to put you on the Cool wall, y’know. Under Sub Zero even,” Jeremy said. Richard just raised an eyebrow at that. “Well, okay, under cool, but definitely closer to sub zero than uncool.”

“And I’m guessing you would’ve generously put me under uncool rather than just seriously uncool?” James asked.

“Let’s face it James, you just weren’t a very cool car. Richard was.”

“He had a racing stripe and a ridiculously large unnecessary spoiler!”

Jeremy shrugged. “He was cool.”

“I needed that spoiler! Just ask Stig,” Richard said defensively.

“At least I had the common decency to come with a manual. You didn’t even know what your maximum speed was.”

“We found out though, didn’t we?” Richard asked, and turned to Jeremy. “How much was it again?”

“170,” Jeremy muttered under his breath. Richard smirked at James, who just shrugged.

“At least I was a comfortable ride,” James said. “Isn’t that right, Jeremy?”

Jeremy turned a strange kind of red and purple, but Richard ignored that. “I was so fast I could be at my destination before my passengers even realised they were uncomfortable. And it’s not my fault Jeremy is freakishly tall.”

“At least I was able to carry passengers. You could only comfortably sit two small people at most, and Top Gear Dog took up most of the backseat,” James argued.

“At least my driving didn’t make her sick, unlike the driving of *some* people,” Richard said.

“I can’t believe you’re *still* on about that, that happened ages ago.”

Hee, bickering about who was the best car! I love it!

The Richard car can't be cool, it's trying too hard! I suspect that Jeremy may be lying in an attempt to make Richard feel guilty about the caravan thing. "I was going to put you under 'cool', and you attached a caravan to me." (I do very much love when Jeremy gets caught out about the Sub Zero thing.)

“At least I had the common decency to come with a manual."

That is just such a gloriously ridiculous sentence phrased in such a perfectly Jamesish way.

“At least I was a comfortable ride,” James said. “Isn’t that right, Jeremy?”

Jeremy turned a strange kind of red and purple, but Richard ignored that.

*ABSOLUTELY DIES*

OH MY GOD THAT IS THE GREATEST THING EVER.

"The Richard car can't be cool, it's trying too hard!"

It's a BIT cool at least. But May!Car is definitely uncool.

I'm trying to find a way to make Jeremy to say something along the lines of 'you were a very sex-sleek car, Richard'. 'You called me sexy!' 'No I didn't!'

Also, I'm watching Jeremy review the Spyker C8 and am sniggering at the way he pronounces Vincent van Gogh as Vincent van Goth. No, Jeremy, Vincent was more of emo, he cut his own ear off after all.

But that Spyker IS made of awesome.

'you were a very sex-sleek car, Richard'. 'You called me sexy!' 'No I didn't!'

Hee! Oh, I'm looking forward to this. (One of the many truly fantastic things about this concept is that it combines Clarkson/Hammond/May with Clarkson's inappropriate fancying of cars. I think that that is wonderful.)

They clicked through some more pictures of Hammond-as-a-car. “Jeremy, how many pictures did you take of him?” James asked, when faced with yet another nshot of the interior.

“I just wanted to capture all of it,” he said weakly.

“He *liked* me,” Richard said smugly. “Just admit it, Jeremy. You thought I looked great.”

Jeremy sighed. “If it means so much to you, fine. Richard, you were a very sex-sleek car. Very sleek.”

“You just called me sexy,” Richard said, looking like he was torn between being smug and being at the other side of the room.

“No I didn’t.”

I think it might end up as OT3 although I'm not sure. Maybe I'll just leave it with Jeremy thinking 'oh my god I think my co-presenters are attractive and I cannot choose between them and I want them both what the hell?'

I love the fact that not only did Jeremy want to put Hammond!Car on the cool wall, but he has loads of pictures of same! (And him going purple when reminded about James's 'comfortable ride'!)

I think it might end up as OT3

*~~hamster~~ puppy eyes* Please?! Pleeeease? :)

"I think it might end up as OT3"

I'M NOT SURE HOW TO.

But, like I said before, that has NEVER stopped me before.

WATCH AS NOT KNOWING WHAT I AM DOING IS NOT STOPPING ME AT ALL.

---

They both looked so expectant in their own ways that Jeremy felt almost cruel for having decided at last. “I’d have to have you both.”

“That’s cheating!”

“You wouldn’t be able to keep us both,” James added. “I bet I’m very high maintenance and Hammond would probably break down every week because you crashed into something whilst travelling at a ridiculous speed.”

“I would *not* crash into something!” Richard said.

“You would’ve crashed into me this afternoon if I hadn’t moved out of the way,” James reminded him.

“Fastest I saw you move all day,” Jeremy said.

“I was still getting the hang of things,” Richard muttered. “It’s not easy being a car.”

“And the track was wet,” James said, supplying him with another bad excuse. “I would just like to remind everyone that I didn’t even come *near* crashing into anything.”

“Only because you weren’t going fast enough,” Richard replied. “That doesn’t count. Much like Jeremy’s choice of car.” He glared at the taller man.

“What? I choose both. That’s a choice.” Jeremy shrugged. “It’s either that or flip a coin.”

James sighed. “I suppose we could share him, couldn’t we Hammond?”

Richard eyed Jeremy in a way he wasn’t sure he was entirely comfortable with. “Suppose so.”

Jeremy was about to ask what all this talk of sharing him was about when Richard pulled him down by his shirt and kissed him.

An indeterminable amount of time later Jeremy stared into space, still a bit shocked. “What?” he managed at last.

“You did say he was sexy,” James said, as if the kiss has been Jeremy’s fault entirely.

“As a car! A sexy car!”

“And isn’t it sad that he had to be a *car* before you noticed it?” James was looking at Richard in a slightly too familiar manner and Jeremy thought this was all rather strange. James was supposed to be as shocked and surprised as he was, and here he was implying that it should’ve happened years ago.

“Are you saying you set this up with the Stig? You *asked* to be turned into cars?” Jeremy asked. “To get my attention?”

“It worked, didn’t it?” Richard grinned. “You finally realised it’s both of us you want.”

“I still can’t believe we had to become *cars* first,” James muttered. “If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you were the world’s first carsexual.”

Jeremy was about to say that there was nothing wrong with being a carsexual and that he had had some impure thoughts about the Bugatti Veyron, and that Richard’s love for the Zonda was far stranger anyway when James reached up and kissed him.

This time he wasn’t as surprised and shocked, but still baffled enough to be very confused indeed. “What was that?”

“That was sharing, Jeremy. I’m sure you’ll get used to it.”

FOR SOMEONE WHO HAS NO IDEA WHAT THEY'RE DOING, YOU'RE SURE DOING WELL!

*ahem*

James sighed. “I suppose we could share him, couldn’t we Hammond?”

Richard eyed Jeremy in a way he wasn’t sure he was entirely comfortable with. “Suppose so.”

Jeremy was about to ask what all this talk of sharing him was about when Richard pulled him down by his shirt and kissed him.

*blink blink* It's nearly three and I have no words but I LOVE

“Are you saying you set this up with the Stig? You *asked* to be turned into cars?” Jeremy asked. “To get my attention?”

... I'm not sure which part of this equasion I love best, Jeremy being clueless until there's petrol and a V8 involved, or James and Richard actually willingly putting themselves through this by way of a clue-by-four...

Jeremy was about to say that there was nothing wrong with being a carsexual and that he had had some impure thoughts about the Bugatti Veyron, and that Richard’s love for the Zonda was far stranger anyway

I LOVE MORE. And now I go to bed.

"Jeremy being clueless until there's petrol and a V8 involved,"

IT'S TRUE.

"James and Richard actually willingly putting themselves through this by way of a clue-by-four..."

I bet it went something like this:

One night in a pub:
Richard: He's never gonna notice us in that way, he's too busy salivating over whatever car he's been test-driving.
James: Yes, he'd only look at us in that way if WE were cars.
Richard: ...THAT COULD WORK.
James: Er. What?
Richard: LET'S GO FIND THE STIG RIGHT NOW.
James: Er. What?

It's review time, of sorts:

He decided to start with Richard, figuring that he had better do him first before he changed his mind and thought it was more fun to have Jeremy chase him all over the airfield. “All right, Richard, whenever you’re ready.”

It was probably a good thing he wasn’t allowed to drive this car, since the sheer amount of buttons and switches on the brushed aluminium dashboard was overwhelming. He recognised the universal symbols for lights, the windscreen wipers and air-conditioning but beyond that it was hard to tell. He presumed some of the buttons were for the traction control and the settings for the suspension and there was probably a radio and CD player with no doubt the possibility of plugging in one’s I-pod, but he couldn’t find it amongst all the buttons and screens. He was happy to note that Hammond had a normal gear stick rather than the annoying flappy paddle gearbox and that it seemed to have sat-nav. He didn’t think Hammond’s sat-nav could be worse than what was on the market today.

The car started moving, slowly at first but it quickly picked up a modest speed of 30 miles an hour. Enough to give Jeremy a first impression of the car. “Right, as you may have noticed I am sitting on the passenger’s seat rather than the driver’s seat for the very good reason that Richard is driving this car,” he said, addressing the camera and wondering what he was supposed to do with his hands now that he wasn’t holding the wheel. “You may also have noticed that he’s not actually in the car. That’s because he, er, *is* the car.” He stared at the confusing dashboard again, and then added, “And no, I’m not drunk or on drugs.”

***

Jeremy had found great use for his hands: Clutching the black leather seats. He got the feeling Richard wasn’t very pleased with that, but it was that or being thrown around in the small car. He had only been inside it for a little over ten minutes, but he already knew that the Hammond had not been made for comfort. “Now, while the handling and the speed are excellent, the comfort – ouch! – leaves a lot to be desired. Hammond, can’t you at least *try* to avoid the bumps?” he asked, wondering if his friend wasn’t driving over them on purpose.

The suspension was too hard and he had no idea how to change it. He had no leg space at all and had tried to change that, but the buttons next to his seat controlled a lot of things but not, it seemed, the seat itself. Not that it really mattered because even if he had been able to move the seat further back it would only have gotten him a few inches. The Hammond was clearly not built for people over six feet and while that wasn’t a problem for the majority of the British people it certainly was a problem for him.

before he changed his mind and thought it was more fun to have Jeremy chase him all over the airfield.

Oh, I love this image.

It was probably a good thing he wasn’t allowed to drive this car

Yes, of course Hammond wouldn't actually let him drive him. And the bewildering array of buttons is perfect.

“Right, as you may have noticed I am sitting on the passenger’s seat rather than the driver’s seat for the very good reason that Richard is driving this car,” he said, addressing the camera and wondering what he was supposed to do with his hands now that he wasn’t holding the wheel. “You may also have noticed that he’s not actually in the car. That’s because he, er, *is* the car.” He stared at the confusing dashboard again, and then added, “And no, I’m not drunk or on drugs.”

THAT IS FANTASTIC. I love the way it sounds like Jeremy's road-test voice even thought it's insane, and the 'wondering what he was supposed to do with his hands' is great, and excuse me I must look back at the "And no, I'm not drunk or on drugs" and giggle helplessly.

Mentally referring to it as 'the Hammond'! Hee! And hard suspension and no leg space and this is the Richardest car ever. ('Gotten' is an Americanism, by the way - it should be 'got'. BUT THIS DOES NOT STOP THIS FROM BEING AWESOME.)

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I can't stop grinning! Oh, my.

I absolutely adore the line 'It's not easy being a car', and I don't know why. I suspect that it may be because, even though it's an utterly ridiculous thing to say, I can completely see him saying it.

“You did say he was sexy,” James said, as if the kiss has been Jeremy’s fault entirely.

Oh, I love this so much. And Jeremy is just so fantastically bewildered. And "As a car! A sexy car!" is just great.

They're so devious! And it is great to see Jeremy the one being taken by surprise here. And Jeremy is carsexual and has impure thoughts about the Bugatti Veyron and oh I love this so much. So, so much.

“That was sharing, Jeremy. I’m sure you’ll get used to it.”

Ha!

"impure thoughts about the Bugatti Veyron"

I'm sure he would.

So, I've got my ending strange as it is, now I have to try to get the bits in the middle to add up somehow.

“You just called me sexy,” Richard said, looking like he was torn between being smug and being at the other side of the room.

Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful line. That is exactly how he would look. And I like Jeremy weakly trying to make excuses.

Oh, the OT3 would be fantastic.

"Oh, the OT3 would be fantastic."

Still not sure how to.

Still not letting that stop me.

"I can't believe she left me," he said bleakly, staring unfocused at the opposite wall.

"Well, be reasonable, Jeremy: she did cost five million pounds. Volkswagen couldn't exactly have left it with you."

That line wins everything! Seriously, I can just see Richard rolling his eyes as he says it.

The three of them fit together so well that it never occurs to him to question it or feel jealousy. It's not him-and-Clarkson, him-and-James; it's him-and-Clarkson-and-James, and it always has been.

That is oddly touching.

And now it's Clarkson-and-the-Bugatti-Veyron as well, and he can't believe that this is still bothering him.

That's just odd! but funny :)

Have you by any chance seen these (http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v150/silver_stargate/tg/scan0002.jpg)articles (http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v150/silver_stargate/tg/scan0003.jpg)over (http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v150/silver_stargate/tg/scan0004.jpg) here (http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v150/silver_stargate/tg/scan0005.jpg) already? Actually, I'm sure you have, but maybe Riona hasn't.

Making their own stretch-limos! That's GENIUS!

Thanks for those links; I really enjoyed reading those. (...repairing a stretch of road? Er? Also, I am really rather curious about this making-stretch-limos thing. How are they going to manage that? Chopping out the centres of cars and taping them together, perhaps?)

"Chopping out the centres of cars and taping them together, perhaps?"

With duct-tape. I'm also quite curious about the tractor testing because no doub they'll be as useless at that as at van-testing.

I hope one of them was a smart car, I really want to see a stretch smart-limo!

My brain is still having bother getting past the six marines thing though...

I can imagine getting into a fight with six marines at the same time if you try hard enough, because I'm sure US marines are taught self-control and all that. I just can't imagine getting OUT of that same with fight with those six marines using diplomacy. Maybe he confused them and then ran for it?

And here was me thinking your brain would be bothered by the black and white picture.

Oh that part I have no problems with, it IS Hammond we're dealing with, after all, like you I just can't figure out how May got them out...

And here was me thinking your brain would be bothered by the black and white picture.

It made my brain very very happy ;)

"I just can't figure out how May got them out..."

I'm going to stick with confusing them with something, and then while they're distracted shove Hammond out of the pub unseen and make a run for it.

"It made my brain very very happy ;)"

You and every other fangirl from the looks of it, and though I feel strangely and slightly guilty towards the dog, I cannot blame you.

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