Riona (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
rionaleonhart) wrote2018-08-10 02:33 pm
rionaleonhart) wrote2018-08-10 02:33 pm
Entry tags:
How to Control a wikiHow Addiction.
Late last year I leafed through a scrapbook my grandfather kept, which was full of newspaper clippings about ghosts and letters saying 'HEY I SAW A GHOST AND I THOUGHT YOU NEEDED TO KNOW.'
My favourite discovery: he'd sent a letter to a student (he was an Oxford don) saying 'HEY I HEARD YOU SAW A GHOST, TELL ME ABOUT THE GHOST, HERE IS A LIST OF SIX QUESTIONS ABOUT THIS GHOST, PLEASE RESPOND BY MONDAY.'
I can't get over the 'please respond by Monday'. I can understand being interested in a ghost sighting, but it's hard to imagine urgently needing details of a ghost sighting, unless you're actually being haunted by this ghost and trying to escape.
(He also had a book of road maps of Great Britain, and he'd stuck hundreds of tiny paper arrows into it to mark the site of every ghost sighting he'd ever heard about. Was... was my grandfather John Winchester?)
Here are some great titles of actual wikiHow articles:
- How to Breathe
- How to Start a Cult (under 'Warnings': 'A religion is not like a gang, you cannot go off and shoot people or else you will get arrested.')
- How to Be a Twilight Addict (step eight is 'Always talk about Twilight', and the warnings section includes 'It's okay to talk to the cast of Twilight, but don't hurt them. Security will stop you.')
- How to Sleep Naked (this article has thirteen steps and a quiz, just to make sure you're fully qualified to take your clothes off and get into bed before you attempt it, and if you're a teenager who wants to sleep naked it thinks you should ask your parents for permission)
- How to Awaken Your Inner Tamagotchi Obsession (step eleven is 'bring your Tamagotchi into the shower')
- How to Prepare a Pop Tart ('Do not be alarmed when you open the package and see two Pop-tarts, it is perfectly normal to see two.')
- How to Pronounce Meme: 7 Steps (with Pictures)
- How to Cook Lasagna in Your Dishwasher (the questions section includes the question 'Why would I do this?'; the answer is 'This is a good solution for people who don't have ovens.' All the many people who lack ovens but nonetheless have dishwashers. Also, it's gone now, but the first time I read this article there was the question 'What do I do if I open the dishwasher and the lasagna has disappeared?' under the heading 'Unanswered Questions')
My favourite discovery: he'd sent a letter to a student (he was an Oxford don) saying 'HEY I HEARD YOU SAW A GHOST, TELL ME ABOUT THE GHOST, HERE IS A LIST OF SIX QUESTIONS ABOUT THIS GHOST, PLEASE RESPOND BY MONDAY.'
I can't get over the 'please respond by Monday'. I can understand being interested in a ghost sighting, but it's hard to imagine urgently needing details of a ghost sighting, unless you're actually being haunted by this ghost and trying to escape.
(He also had a book of road maps of Great Britain, and he'd stuck hundreds of tiny paper arrows into it to mark the site of every ghost sighting he'd ever heard about. Was... was my grandfather John Winchester?)
Here are some great titles of actual wikiHow articles:
- How to Breathe
- How to Start a Cult (under 'Warnings': 'A religion is not like a gang, you cannot go off and shoot people or else you will get arrested.')
- How to Be a Twilight Addict (step eight is 'Always talk about Twilight', and the warnings section includes 'It's okay to talk to the cast of Twilight, but don't hurt them. Security will stop you.')
- How to Sleep Naked (this article has thirteen steps and a quiz, just to make sure you're fully qualified to take your clothes off and get into bed before you attempt it, and if you're a teenager who wants to sleep naked it thinks you should ask your parents for permission)
- How to Awaken Your Inner Tamagotchi Obsession (step eleven is 'bring your Tamagotchi into the shower')
- How to Prepare a Pop Tart ('Do not be alarmed when you open the package and see two Pop-tarts, it is perfectly normal to see two.')
- How to Pronounce Meme: 7 Steps (with Pictures)
- How to Cook Lasagna in Your Dishwasher (the questions section includes the question 'Why would I do this?'; the answer is 'This is a good solution for people who don't have ovens.' All the many people who lack ovens but nonetheless have dishwashers. Also, it's gone now, but the first time I read this article there was the question 'What do I do if I open the dishwasher and the lasagna has disappeared?' under the heading 'Unanswered Questions')
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Now I am going to feel like I've done something wrong if I open my dishwasher and there is NO LASAGNA.
Sads
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Okay, now I want a story about someone who's casually interested in ghost sightings and local folklore getting that kind of weirdly urgent message, and it turns out the person they're talking to is all "I need to learn how to categorize this ghost so I can banish it forever!"
Was... was my grandfather John Winchester?
He was! He totally was!
How to Start a Cult (under 'Warnings': 'A religion is not like a gang, you cannot go off and shoot people or else you will get arrested.')
...how do they think gangs work? Do they think the police are all "No shooting people, unless you're in a gang!"
How to Pronounce Meme: 4 Steps (with Pictures)
I looked it up, and the one I found is seven steps with pictures!
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Is... is that not how gangs work?
I looked it up, and the one I found is seven steps with pictures!
Oh, wow, it's been updated! I occasionally share weird wikiHow articles with friends in our group WhatsApp chat, so I pulled these titles from there and some of them might be out-of-date. I'm delighted that it's become even sillier.
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"Hello police, my friends and I would like to register as an official gang, so we can kill people without getting arrested!"
The entire article makes me want to start pronouncing "meme" like "may-may" and telling everyone else that they're the ones who've been saying it wrong.
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Is it okay to be alarmed if you see fewer than two? What about if you see more than two? IS IT A HAUNTED POPTART PACKAGE??? I kind of want to meet the Poptart Ghost.
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, who are obviously your secret weird unclesno subject
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Incredible discovery in the 'related articles' section: 'How to Recover From Watching the Supernatural TV Series'.
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like it's one thing to have a site of bizarre how to guides. it it is another thing entirely to have an ILLUSTRATED site of bizarre how to guides. who the fuck does those and how did they end up doing it. that's the one I want to see.
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