Riona (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
rionaleonhart) wrote2007-03-26 06:39 pm
rionaleonhart) wrote2007-03-26 06:39 pm
Unless, Of Course, I Am Wrong.
Sometimes, I worry 'what if the impossible happens?' and become very distressed when I can't work out a way of fixing it. I have actually thought 'what if Jeremy Clarkson and I swap bodies for some reason and we can't find a way to change back? What if he doesn't want to change back? OH MY GOD, WHAT WILL I DO WHEN THAT HAPPENS?'
Yes, Riona, I am sure that your inability to work out how to reverse an inexplicable bodyswap will have terrible consequences in the future.
I'd like to have some sort of content in this entry, but I don't really have anything to say. Apart from 'er, please tell me I'm not the only person who thought that Charles and Sir were totally a couple in Lemony Snicket's The Penultimate Peril?', but I'm a bit afraid of saying that in case everyone says 'Yes, Riona, you are the only person who thought that. Take your slash-addled brain and stay far away from children's books, please.'
Yes, Riona, I am sure that your inability to work out how to reverse an inexplicable bodyswap will have terrible consequences in the future.
I'd like to have some sort of content in this entry, but I don't really have anything to say. Apart from 'er, please tell me I'm not the only person who thought that Charles and Sir were totally a couple in Lemony Snicket's The Penultimate Peril?', but I'm a bit afraid of saying that in case everyone says 'Yes, Riona, you are the only person who thought that. Take your slash-addled brain and stay far away from children's books, please.'
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Ahahaha! That is wonderful. And 'If you promise not to help us in any way' is such a marvellously odd stipulation! And he refers to Jeremy as 'the demented, evil bloke'!
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Erm, I seem to be dragging this out a bit, because I like writing it far too much.
Hammond sighed a huffy sigh.
May frowned disapprovingly. "Richard, you do realise we can't keep them this way forever; Harriet has a family, who are most probably very worried about her by now. And anyway, if we get Jeremy back to normal, you can kill him without worrying about the guilt."
Richard grinned slightly. "May, you always know just what to say to make me feel better."
Jeremy's horrible horrible grin was back, yet again. "Well, Hammond, I know just what to do to-"
"Annoy the hell out of me?"
"Oh, Hammond, we're finishing each other's sentences; we're like a couple already."
Richard clenched his fists. "Not. One. More. Word."
James raised his eyebrows. "Ah, I see."
"Well," said Ron, "this is all very romantic ("No it isn't!" cried Hammond) and that, but what's this plan you keep going on about?"
"You promised not to help us!" Hammond said, looking very annoyed.
Hermione shrugged. "I didn't promise. And no offence, but I'm better at magic than Ron anyway."
"None taken," said Ron. "You stink at Quidditch, and that's what's important."
Hammond looked slightly homicidal. "What about you, Pot-boy? Will you be helping Clarkson get himself murdered?"
Harry frowned. "It depends what exactly you expect me to do."
"Well, I'd like you to kill Clarkson, but I'm presuming you don't want to do that."
Hermione shrugged. "Oh, I don't know."
May stepped in. "I think you should return Jeremy and Harriet to their rightful bodies."
(Well, I'm making some progress, at least. They finally know the plan, huzzah!)
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"Oh, Hammond, we're finishing each other's sentences; we're like a couple already."
Hee! Oh, Jeremy, I love you again.
this is all very romantic ("No it isn't!" cried Hammond)
Ahahaha! Poor, poor Hammond.
"Well, I'd like you to kill Clarkson, but I'm presuming you don't want to do that."
Hermione shrugged. "Oh, I don't know."
Oh, dear, Jeremy isn't terribly popular at the moment, is he? (By which I mean: laughter.)
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Yes, May is, as ever, the sanest of the bunch. Jeremy is very pleased indeed, considering how few friends he has left. Aww, I know.
Hermione wrinkled her nose. "I'd rather go with Richard's idea."
May dragged a hand through his hair. "Look, although all of you seem to be pitifully uniformed, the story of Jeremy Clarkson and Richard Hammond kidnapping a girl and driving her to the middle of nowhere is actually one of the top stories in the news right now, and I've been listening to how two of my mates have gone completely crackers all day, and I'd quite like to get it all sorted so I can open my front door and not have journalists barraging me with questions about the mental state of these two."
"Well then stay here with us," said Hammond pitilessly.
"Yes," said Jeremy evilly. "You're very welcome to spend the night with us." He bared his teeth in what may have been the most horrible grin yet.
Richard clenched his teeth. "Right, you're never going back to your old body. Ever."
"Richard, if Jeremy stays in that body, at some point... hormones will kick in," said James, looking at him meaningfully.
"Right, do you have any bodyswap reversal spells? And could you use them quickly? Very, very quickly?"
Hermione frowned. "Well, there was the unfortunate case of Timothy Bondwiggle in 1733... I think Obscure Magical Mishaps might have listed a spell..."
Ron shook his head. "I have no idea why I put up with you," he muttered.
Hermione poked him.
"Less arguing, more spell-remembering," snapped Richard.
"Haven't you changed your tune," said Ron.
"Do you want to see that man with PMT? Really?"
Ron looked completely horrified. "I don't know why you had to tell me that. Do you hate me?"
"Right, I've remembered!" cried Hermione triumphantly.
Harriet looked utterly delighted, and hugged TG.
Jeremy sighed. "I think I'm going to miss not having creaky knees and aches and pains everywhere. I've gotten quite attached to my new-found youth."
"I don't care," snapped Hammond. "I'm quite attached to going through life without the image of Jeremy Clarkson and...female things in my head. Spell, then!"
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Timothy Bondwiggle is a glorious name.
Ron looked completely horrified. "I don't know why you had to tell me that. Do you hate me?"
Hee! Oh, Ron is adorable.
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I am so very pleased that you like it, even the strange character name! And hee, icon!
"Er, right," said Hermione, screwing up her eyes. Raising her wand high in the air, she uttered a stream of long and confusing Latin words. There was a flash of blinding light.
When the power of sight had returned to them, they noticed that Jeremy was delightedly fondling his body. "Well," said Richard glumly, "I guess we've got Clarkson back. Hurrah."
"Y'know," said Ron, frowning, "You never did give us that ridiculous purse. I think you owe it to us after we returned you to your normal selves."
"We?!" spluttered Hermione at the same time as Richard snapped, "Owe it to you? For making sure Clarkson can carry out his horrible threats?!"
Harry sighed and put his hand on Hermione's shoulder. "You want the Horcrux, don't you?"
"Well, yes, but..."
"Then let's not argue. Could one of you strange people give us the purse, and then we'll be on our way."
"You know," said Ron, "I can't help but think that it was very strange of He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named to choose such a strange thing as a Horcrux. I mean, I know he's insane, but this is just ridiculous."
Hermione frowned. "Well, according to The Comprehensive History Of Lord Voldem - "
"Never mind," said Ron hurriedly. Hermione scowled.
"Here," said May, snatching the purse from Clarkson, who had somehow managed to get his hands on it (how or why was unknown), and handing it to the bickering duo. Hopefully, thought May, the only arguing he would have to put up with now would be non-magic-related.
"Hey!" cried Clarkson. "I might've wanted to keep that!"
Harriet frowned at him. "But, er, it's my purse."
Clarkson shrugged. "You clearly don't give it the love and attention it deserves. You should treat it like I treat my beloved Ford GT, with care and understanding for its weaknesses. You don't deserve such a purse. I should be allowed to keep it."
Hammond gave him an incredulous look. "I think the bodyswap may have affected his brain," he hissed at May.
"He can't be any more insane than he was before," May hissed back.
"Well," said Harry, "I'm afraid it's ours now, anyway. We'll be off saving the world, anyway."
"I'm sure you'll manage to cock it up completely," said Clarkson cheerfully.
"And we'll miss you too," said Hermione sourly.
"Er, thank you very much for returning me to my normal body," said Harriet pleasantly.
"Well, at least one of you is grateful," said Hermione, and smiled at Harriet. And then the Trio was off again, and it was just the Top Gear team and Harriet in the middle of Hogglesbrook.
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Hang on, what happened to the contents of my purse? I MAY HAVE SORT OF NEEDED THEM.
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Er, the Thieving Trio may perhaps have stolen that too. The contents are hopefully replaceable. Or perhaps Jeremy will catch up with them later and steal it back, because he loves and adores the purse, and he will of course return the contents to you, because he only cares about the purse and not the contents.
(Erm, no, it apparently isn't finally over, because Harriet needs to get home and Jeremy needs to put his Evil Plan into action. Um, sorry about that.)
"Well then," said Jeremy, "I'm back to my normal self, aren't I, Hammond?" And then he waggled his eyebrows in a most unnerving manner.
"No, Jeremy, you want to keep a purse. You've clearly been irreparably damaged and I couldn't possibly take advantage."
"Well, then maybe James can take advantage instead." Jeremy turned to May, his evil expression looking so much more deliciously evil now that he was back in his own body.
May looked startled. He glanced over at Richard. "Is that what you meant when you said I didn't want to know?"
Richard nodded. "Yes. Yes it was. He certainly didn't have any other evil plans."
"Er, I hate to interrupt, but shouldn't you be taking me home?" said Harriet. TG nodded her approval.
"Oh, yes, of course," said May, beginning to walk back to the cars.
"But you wouldn't want to pass up on an opportunity to sample the delights of Hogglesbrook, would you?" said Jeremy quickly. "And of course, they're all the better if you sample them on your own. You could even get a bus home if you don't like it." Jeremy's grin was that of an escaped lunatic with a machete.
Harriet glanced around her. Hogglesbrook certainly was beautiful. There was a lake in the distance that stretched for miles, shimmering like blue silk all the way into the distance; a silvery moon that shone brightly like a watchful eye keeping the villagers safe; it was lovely. "But, er, aren't I going to need somewhere to sleep?"
"You mean you'd pass up the opportunity of sleeping under the stars? Honestly, you just don't appreciate nature."
May frowned at Clarkson. "You are the most irresponsible man I've ever had the misfortune to meet. We'll take you home, Harriet."
"But she wants to stay in Hogglesbrook!"
"Well, then, she can come here on holiday. I'm not prolonging this ridiculous drama just so you can make some ill-advised attempt to seduce me; which by the way is very unlikely to work."
Hammond sighed with immense relief.
"I haven't told him the whole plan yet, Rich, there's still hope," said Clarkson smugly.
(Help! I cannot stop writing it! I like writing it too much!)
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Oh, dear. Jeremy does have some truly amazing expressions. Also terrifying. (Ahahaha, unnerving eyebrow-waggling!)
I can't get a bus home, Jeremy; the bastard Harry Potter trio have stolen all my money.
(I very much like reading it, so feel free to be as unable to stop writing it as you want.)
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Ah, Jeremy would not be Jeremy without insane expressions.
Oh, God, they are evil, aren't they? They will have to get their comeuppance at some point.
And many many yippees that you think I have a good May-voice! This is wonderful news!
(This is good, as I seem to not want to stop writing it.)
"There's more to the plan?" said May, an expression of bemusement crossing his face. "Actually, never mind, we need to get Harriet home."
"Oh, but I think Harriet wants to hear the plan, " said Jeremy, his 'mad scientist' expression appearing. "She was asking about the evidence of Hammond fancying me earlier."
Hammond flushed. "Please don't start all that again."
Jeremy grinned. "No, Richard, we're on to a new subject now. On it like May was on you in that art gallery."
James raised his eyebrows. "I'm impressed you managed to squeeze innuendo from that," he said.
"Oh, I'm sure you'll be impressed with a lot of things if you stay," said Jeremy, grinning an unpleasantly lewd grin.
Hammond groaned and his head fell to his waiting hands. "Please, if nothing else, think of the dog." TG whined as though to back up the statement.
"Fine, the dog can go for a walk with Harriet," said Jeremy. "See how caring I am, Richard? Doesn't it warm your heart?"
"No," said Richard through gritted teeth and his hands.
"Jeremy," said James, "as amusing as it is to see you torture poor Hammond ("Hey!" he cried indignantly), I think it would be best if we took poor Harriet home. She's suffered enough today after having to put up with you and your impersonations of a teenage girl all day." TG nuzzled James' trouser leg in appreciation for his sensibleness.
"Oh, fine," snapped Jeremy. "We're coming back here afterwards though."
"You are not dragging us back here just so we can turn you down!" exclaimed Richard.
"Richard, I'm shocked; I was thinking we could look at the scenery and possibly take a nice nature walk."
"Jeremy, I'd rather you didn't ruin my favourite holiday spot," said May. "Now, we're going home."
"You know," said Harriet, a rather worried tone creeping into her voice, "I think those people who were looking for the Horcrux have stolen all my money."
"Oh, no," said Jeremy, "now we're going to have to sleep here and find them in the morning! What a shame!"
Hammond eyeballed him. "Shut up, Jeremy, you're even less convincing at that than you were at being a teenage girl."
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today. *sighs*no subject
Also, Jeremy continues to be unconvincing! Haha!
TG APPRECIATING SENSIBLENESS! JAMES/TG FOR THE WIN!
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Jeremy can't be convincing at all. Poor Jeremy.
Oh, God, they sort of fit together
she said without having read any of the fic. If there is fic. *sighs*no subject
They do! Which is why I prefer James/TG over Jeremy/TG. Obviously, no proper fic exists for either pairing. Yet.
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"See how caring I am, Richard? Doesn't it warm your heart?"
Hee hee hee! Oh, Jeremy.
"Oh, no," said Jeremy, "now we're going to have to sleep here and find them in the morning! What a shame!"
Oh, Jeremy is so awful. And by 'awful', of course, I mean brilliant.
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May sighed. "We could always search for them now," he said calmly. "They can't have gone that far; they only just left."
"Unless they had a Portkey," said Harriet worriedly. "They'd be miles away then."
Jeremy frowned. "You really do know too much. Perhaps you'd be better off going to look for them on your own. I'll stay here with Hammond and May. I'm sure we'll find some way to pass the time."
May sighed. "Clarkson, I think you owe her some help considering the way you've been behaving all day."
Clarkson sighed. "Oh, all right, James. I'm sure you'll regret passing up the opportunity of some hot Clarkson-loving to look for a gang of teenage criminals."
James looked from him to Hammond, whose face had not yet been removed from his hands. "Has he been like this all day?"
"Yes," said Richard's muffled voice, "yes he has. Please find some way of stopping him."
"You could always try a tongue. Tongues are a nice alternative to gobstoppers, Rich," said Clarkson, whose horrible grin was now too horrible for description.
"James," said Richard desperately, "I'm actually considering trying that. Please help me."
"Jeremy," said May determinedly, "you're coming with me ("Oh, am I? What about poor Hammond, you wouldn't want to leave him out," said Clarkson, evil grin now at least five times more evil than Voldemort. Hammond died a little inside). Richard, you can go with Harriet and Top Gear Dog. We've got some criminals to find."
"Are you going to be the Watson to my Holmes?" said Jeremy, managing to make this sound like the most innuendo-laden statement yet.
"It'll probably be the other way around," said James.
And they set off to find the evil thieves.
(Oh, dear, I shall attempt to make the search for the Thieving Trio as quick as possible.)
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Hot Clarkson-loving! Ahahaha!
whose horrible grin was now too horrible for description.
Oh, it is so Clarkson. And I love that Richard is actually considering it!
managing to make this sound like the most innuendo-laden statement yet.
Oh, well, it would be. Gayest Victorians ever.
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Also, he is SO impatient! AND TG NODDING HER APPROVAL HAHA.
"I'm not prolonging this ridiculous drama just so you can make some ill-advised attempt to seduce me; which by the way is very unlikely to work."
Haha, James is ON to him!
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He is terrible; TG is cuddly love.
James is of course on to him and his dreadful innuendo.
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