rionaleonhart | And Phineas Nigellus Will Save The Wizarding World.

Entry tags:

And Phineas Nigellus Will Save The Wizarding World.

There's not much time left in which to come up with ridiculous theories about the end of the Harry Potter series, is there? Er, obviously Neville is the real Boy Who Lived, but Lord Dumbledore (in a moment of insanity while reading over the draft, I hallucinated a 'Lord' in front of 'Dumbledore', so obviously I had to insert it; those are the rules) made everyone think it was the baby Harry so that Voldemort would keep trying to kill the wrong person. When Quirrel couldn't touch Harry, it wasn't because Harry's mother's Heroic Sacrifice was protecting him; it was because Harry had a horrible, ridiculously fast-acting contagious skin disease. And Harry's ability to speak Parseltongue didn't come from Voldemort's attack; it's just, er, genetic. Yes. Harry is, in fact, a direct descendant of Salazar Slytherin, but this has no plot relevance whatsoever, Parseltongue-speaking aside.

Apologies if I've spoiled Philosopher's Stone or Chamber of Secrets for anyone, but, to be honest, if you haven't read them by now, you probably don't care. It is a measure of how ridiculously overcautious I am that I actually considered a spoiler cut.

On an entirely different note: please tell me that somebody has written Balthier/Fran/Captain Jack Harkness (yes, I know I think of Balthier as being very heterosexual, but everyone makes an exception for Captain Jack Harkness). It could be the most amazing threesome ever. The sky pirates and the space conman, having morally-ambiguous adventures and fantastic glorious sex! You've thought about it, haven't you? Haven't you? If it doesn't exist, I may cry.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

You may cry, indeed.

But you also may be forced to write it, in such an eventuality.

Nyer. >3

Er. That was what I was afraid of. Please can somebody have written it so I don't have to?

I'm afraid I cannot help you if someone has. I don't know of it, personally.

I can tell you that it's obviously Ron Weasley who's the real Boy Who Lived. And this Harry Potter fellow? Is all made-up in his head after Ron cracked from all the pressure.

I actually genuinely love the idea that Harry is a pressure-displacing figment of Ron's imagination! And it would lead the the most hilarious fandom reaction ever. Ever.

Hrrm.

As I suspect this won't be the ending RoRo goes with, I believe someone ought to write it.

*coughs*

everyone makes an exception for Captain Jack Harkness

truest statement ever.

I think I may write some. To save you from the angsty emo tearz!

srsly, your insanity? amazing. I love it.

HAVE I TOLD YOU THAT YOU ARE THE BEST EVER? I love that you will fearlessly go out and write the fics that need to exist.

IT HAS BEEN DONE. *points at journal.*

Take note of the tags, also. ;D

Phineas Nigellus for Minister of Magic!

I'm holding out for Dumbledore's icky bearded corpse coming back as a zombiewhatsit.

Non-crack theory: Dumbledore will give advice/directions from his portraits which are hanging in convenient locations.

Crack theory: The Giant Squid and the Ford Anglia (which is still in the Forbidden Forest, right?) will join forces to defeat the Death Eaters invading Hogwarts. And it will be awesome.

I think that Balthier and Fran will swoop in on the Strahl to defeat Voldemort.

It will be amazing.

And it will happen within the first fifteen pages of the book. The rest of it will be about the blossoming romance between the Strahl and the flying Ford Anglia.

Don't forget the chapter in which Jeremy Clarkson stalks Arthur Weasley in an attempt to get a flying Aston Martin.

You know, I'm actually going to be really disappointed now if Deathly Hallows doesn't turn out to be a great big multi-fandom crossover.

NO, BRAIN, WE ARE NOT GOING TO WRITE IT.

go, brain! if you let her dictate policy you will NEVAR be lord in your own house!

Well, you've done Harry Potter/Top Gear already...

Er, obviously Neville is the real Boy Who Lived, but Lord Dumbledore (in a moment of insanity while reading over the draft, I hallucinated a 'Lord' in front of 'Dumbledore', so obviously I had to insert it; those are the rules) made everyone think it was the baby Harry so that Voldemort would keep trying to kill the wrong person.

See, in your ridiculousness, you've quite possibly come up with the best theory ever. (And yes, really, why couldn't Harry's ability to speak Parseltongue just be...because?)

I was telling my sister a while back about my favourite theory:

ME: In the seventh book, I want it to turn out that Harry's still living
in the closet, making up stories about how awesome and special he is.
HER: Oh, god, that... that would be so bleak. They'd show him all old, and sweeping the closet with a ratty old broom.
ME: 'Firebolt' written on the side of it in crayon.
HER: Millions of children all over the world would hate you.

If you write Balthier/Fran/Harkness, uh, I may EXPLODE FROM AWESOME???

That is the best theory ever. ''Firebolt' written on the side of it in crayon' is the saddest thing I've ever heard; in fact, the whole idea is horribly depressing, but that does not stop me from really wanting this to happen.

Millions of children all over the world would hate you.

Ahahaha! Your sister is awesome!

And, um. Um. I'm really quite ashamed of showing you this, because it is so short and so rubbish and the characterisation is all wonky because I've never written Balthier or Fran and haven't written Jack for a couple of years, but, um. Yes. I wrote this for

cane_tie. It is not a promise of Balthier/Fran/Harkness to come.

"Sky pirates," the man says, folding his arms and cocking an eyebrow. "Dangerous ruffians. I wouldn't associate with us if I were you."

"Good thing you're not, then," Jack says, with his most ingratiating grin. "I'd probably miss out on a lot of fun." He looks pointedly at the bunny woman's less-than-adequate clothing. She gives him the look of disdain that the others he's met of her species seem to have refined to an art form.

"Fran has teeth and claws, Mr. Harkness," the man says, evidently amused. "I can vouch for their sharpness. You have a pen - one of very low quality, I might add - and a malfunctioning teleportation device. I would advise you to take your eyes elsewhere."

"You'd be welcome to join us," Jack offers, magnanimously.

The man looks somewhat taken aback, then looks with clear astonishment at Fran, who has started to make a quiet sound, not quite like human laughter but clearly equivalent to it.

"You don't often laugh, Fran," he remarks.

She quickly reassumes her composure, but there is still a hint of amusement in her voice when she speaks. "We are not often made such an offer."

SERIOUSLY I CANNOT GET OVER HOW BEAUTIFUL AN END TO THE HARRY POTTER SERIES THAT WOULD BE. (Er, your theory. Not Jack meeting our beloved sky pirates.)

But why is it not a promise of things to come, Riona? Do you, by any chance, hate things that are awesome?

In exchange, here is a completely retarded snip of the epic Harry Potter masterpiece I shall never write, Neville Longbottom and the Aggravating Portrait:

"I've got just the thing." It was a seed, a very small seed, and the markings on it neatly resembled a miniature skull and crossbones. "Vulture weed," said Neville, unable to keep the note of pride out of his voice.

Nigellus narrowed his eyes. "Vulture weed! You've been carrying vulture weed all this time? Have you any idea what that can do to canvas? Where did you get it?!"

"I found it in Snape's supply closet, back at Hogwarts."

"Stealing from the supply closet?! Thirty points from Hufflepuff!" Phineas bellowed.

"I've told you, Nigellus, I'm a Gryffindor."

"Thirty points from Gryffindor!" Nigellus bellowed, unphased. Back at Hogwarts, the hourglasses did absolutely nothing.

Neville sighed, putting the vulture weed away, and mumbled, "Don't know why I have to bring you along, anyway --"

"Because I'm the only one who knows the locations of all the Horcruxes!" Nigellus cackled. He really did sound a little too gleeful for Neville's taste. "That doddering old fool should have made certain he'd shared before getting himself knocked off! And of course all the other portraits are too addle-pated to remember their own family lines, let alone to pick out the clues in that old coot's mumblings. But Phineas Nigellus remembers!""

"Why don't you just tell me where they are, then? I wouldn't have to keep carrying you around. This ornamental frame is very heavy, you know."

"Tell you! Oh, yes, why don't I run from portrait to portrait telling every simpleton I meet about He Who Shall Not Be Named's only weakness? Oh, while I'm at it, why don't I just pop into the frame over his mantelpiece and tell him, 'Oh, by the way, dear old Neville's on his way to say hello! Do have some tea ready for him, won't you?'"

It was then that the overwhelming horror of the whole situation finally struck Neville full-on. He was going to have to face Voldemort. Once he'd found all the stupid Horcruxes, he would have to walk up to He Who Shall Not Be Named, the worst wizard ever (worst as in meanest and most evil, not as in worst like "Longbottom, you are without doubt the worst Potions student I have ever had the displeasure of teaching. Except perhaps for Potter, whose incompetence is only exceeded by his insolence,") walk right up to him, and say... something. Something heroic, probably, about being the Chosen Whosits and, and, and Neville was useless at public speaking, and suddenly he felt like he'd swallowed about eight puking pastilles.

"Are you --?" Nigellus' voice seemed to come from very far away. "Oh, for the love of -- yes, put your head betwen your legs, go on, take deep breaths..."

"I can't do this," Neville choked, between deep, shaky breaths.

"I'd agree with you wholeheartedly if it weren't for that ridiculous prophecy."

"I -- I can't do this," Neville insisted.

Phineas was silent, in obvious agreement. Neville lifted his head to see that Nigellus was looking away. And rather bored.

Neville realized just then that he was going to die, alone and stuttering. He felt suddenly, vastly lonely, and terribly sad. "I wish Dumble--"

"Don't--"

"--dore were here."

"-- say his name!" Phineas finished, letting out a hiss that Salazar Slytherin himself would have been proud of.

Before Neville could ask why not, there was a skritching sort of sound from inside Nigellus' frame, and a sketchy, squiggly Dumbledore entered the picture. "Ah! Phineas. I suppose it was only a matter of time before we met like this. And Neville, my dear boy!" His voice was tinny and scratchy, as though it were coming from very far away, and though he looked like Dumbledore, he was missing that -- that spark that made him... well, that made him Dubledore.

"P-professor Dumbledore!" Neville squeaked. "I -- h-how are you?"

"Quite dead," Dumbledore answered, the squiggle that represented his spectacles sliding down his nose, and there was at least a bit of what was missing. He tried to push the spectacles back up his nose, and was visibly surprised to find that he hadn't hands yet. "And, er, somewhat incomplete."

"You look horrid," Phineas pointed out.

"How goes your quest, Neville?"

"Terrible," Phineas replied, before Neville could. "He's completely rubbish. Didn't you teach your students anything? Or were you too busy feeding them lemon drops and letting them swim about in your dusty old penseive?"

"Charming as always, Phineas," Dumbledore answered him, and somehow sounded as though he were delivering a genuine compliment. Neville felt oddly cheered, and not nearly so alone. "Neville, I trust you're doing a job that would make your parents proud."

"Th-thank you, sir, I --"

"Oh, go visit the Fat Lady," Nigellus interrupted. "Perhaps you can duel her for the treacle tarts she keeps hidden in her wig."

"I do believe my artist is returning," Dubledore said, serenely, looking at something out-of-frame. "Take care of yourself, Mr. Longbottom!"

And he was gone, leaving Neville to shout, "C-come back anytime to visit, I -- you can --" at an unimpressed Phineas Nigellus.

Nigellus eyed him. "What, are you going to blub, like your cowardly friend Potter? 'Oh, boo hoo, I'm not the Chosen One! Oh, boo hoo, I lived in a closet!' Try living in a frame for seventy years! -- And just what are you sniggering at, Longbottom?"

"That was a very good impression of Harry."

Back at Hogwarts, the hourglasses did absolutely nothing.

I DO NOT KNOW WHY THIS IS SO BRILLIANTLY HILARIOUS, BUT IT IS.

And Phineas refuses to tell him where the Horcruxes are, and Neville has to carry him around, and oh, I cannot stop grinning!

'Oh, by the way, dear old Neville's on his way to say hello! Do have some tea ready for him, won't you?'

Ahahaha! I think it's the emphasis on 'tea' that really makes this.

the worst wizard ever (worst as in meanest and most evil, not as in worst like "Longbottom, you are without doubt the worst Potions student I have ever had the displeasure of teaching. Except perhaps for Potter, whose incompetence is only exceeded by his insolence,")

OH MY GOD, NEVILLE IS ADORABLE AND SOMEBODY NEEDS TO GIVE HIM A HUG. And he worries about having to say something heroic because he is useless at public speaking! I love him!

"I'd agree with you wholeheartedly if it weren't for that ridiculous prophecy."

I ALSO LOVE PHINEAS. INSANELY. HE IS WONDERFUL. Silent in obvious agreement!

SKETCHY SQUIGGLY DUMBLEDORE WHAT.

He tried to push the spectacles back up his nose, and was visibly surprised to find that he hadn't hands yet.

YOU ARE INSANE AND I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.

"Terrible," Phineas replied, before Neville could. "He's completely rubbish. Didn't you teach your students anything? Or were you too busy feeding them lemon drops and letting them swim about in your dusty old penseive?"

Phineas is so fantastic! Sorry, Neville. And Dumbledore somehow sounding genuine! You are a genius! ('An unimpressed Phineas Nigellus' sent me into an insane state of fangirling. You know, more so than I was in already.)

'Oh, boo hoo, I'm not the Chosen One! Oh, boo hoo, I lived in a closet!'

IT IS SO TRUE.

YOU ARE THE BEST PERSON EVER.

Thinking about it now, I am sort of mortified that I posted this! Though your comment had me grinning like an idiot. :D

IF YOU DO NOT WRITE MORE BALTHIER/FRAN/JACK I WILL CRY. DO YOU WANT ME TO CRY, RIONA? IS THAT IT? I knw you can do it awesomely and I just think it would be the most funnest charmingest hottest thing ever!!!

Dangerous ruffians! And vouching for their sharpness! Low quality pen, and Fran's laughter!!!!!lkjaklakljfklfds why must you tease me like this.

THIS. THIS IS MADE OF SHINY BRILLIANCE. I- SERIOUSLY. I want this to be the next book, because there's no way it can live up to this.

Back at Hogwarts, the hourglasses did absolutely nothing.

HAHAHAHA. OH GOD.

And the appearance of Dumbledore is so great, with his perfect reaction to his own scribbliness, and Phineas, ahahaha. It's this wonderful mix of sweetness and hilarity and quirky Dumbledoreness. And them poking fun at Harry together! SO MUCH LOVE. ♥

Heeheehee!!!! Thank you! ♥ ♥ ♥

You've thought about it, haven't you?

I have actually thought of it, and I haven't even finished the game yet. And it would be utterly amazing. I have no idea if it exists because I am terrified of spoilers for FFXII, and I don't even know if someone else has already told you it does exist because I am too scared of spoilers to read your comments. Lame? I THINK YES.

There are no spoilers in the comments, but, alas, there is not any EPIC BALTHIER/FRAN/HARKNESS either. Although

cane_tie is currently writing fifty Jack/Balthier(/Fran sometimes) sentence-fics for

1sentence, because she is a wonderful person.

1. Given that Harry is constantly told he must beat Voldemort with love, Harry proceeds to fall in love with Voldemort. The Deathly Hallows is the name of the seaside cottage Harry buys for the two of them. Harry spends the entire book pursuing Voldemort, buying him flowers and proposing and attempting to kiss him. This results in Voldemort exploding from his utter horror at Harry’s pursuit of him. Harry is very upset, and buries him at sea.

2. SNAPE IS VOLDEMORT; HAVE YOU EVER SEEN THEM IN THE SAME ROOM TOGETHER? ...by this logic, Jeremy is Voldemort. This pleases me.

3. Neville has to save the world because Harry's luck finally runs out, and Hermione/Ron/other people can no longer help him.

YAY FOR THEORIES. I do hope yours turns out to be true. Contagious skin disease is OBVIOUSLY PERFECT REASONING.

Oh, Jeremy is so Voldemort. I don't know why we never saw it before!

(Your first theory is hilarious! Oh, I will laugh so hard if that turns out to be true. I realise it may be slightly unlikely, but it makes so much sense. Voldemort's weakness is love! It is canon!

The Deathly Hallows is the name of the seaside cottage Harry buys for the two of them.

YOU ARE A GENIUS.)

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

And Phineas Nigellus Will Save The Wizarding World.

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

(reposted for HTML)

Re: (reposted for HTML)

Re: (reposted for HTML)

Re: (reposted for HTML)

Re: (reposted for HTML)

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject