rionaleonhart | And Phineas Nigellus Will Save The Wizarding World.

There's not much time left in which to come up with ridiculous theories about the end of the Harry Potter series, is there? Er, obviously Neville is the real Boy Who Lived, but Lord Dumbledore (in a moment of insanity while reading over the draft, I hallucinated a 'Lord' in front of 'Dumbledore', so obviously I had to insert it; those are the rules) made everyone think it was the baby Harry so that Voldemort would keep trying to kill the wrong person. When Quirrel couldn't touch Harry, it wasn't because Harry's mother's Heroic Sacrifice was protecting him; it was because Harry had a horrible, ridiculously fast-acting contagious skin disease. And Harry's ability to speak Parseltongue didn't come from Voldemort's attack; it's just, er, genetic. Yes. Harry is, in fact, a direct descendant of Salazar Slytherin, but this has no plot relevance whatsoever, Parseltongue-speaking aside.

Apologies if I've spoiled Philosopher's Stone or Chamber of Secrets for anyone, but, to be honest, if you haven't read them by now, you probably don't care. It is a measure of how ridiculously overcautious I am that I actually considered a spoiler cut.

On an entirely different note: please tell me that somebody has written Balthier/Fran/Captain Jack Harkness (yes, I know I think of Balthier as being very heterosexual, but everyone makes an exception for Captain Jack Harkness). It could be the most amazing threesome ever. The sky pirates and the space conman, having morally-ambiguous adventures and fantastic glorious sex! You've thought about it, haven't you? Haven't you? If it doesn't exist, I may cry.

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Back at Hogwarts, the hourglasses did absolutely nothing.

I DO NOT KNOW WHY THIS IS SO BRILLIANTLY HILARIOUS, BUT IT IS.

And Phineas refuses to tell him where the Horcruxes are, and Neville has to carry him around, and oh, I cannot stop grinning!

'Oh, by the way, dear old Neville's on his way to say hello! Do have some tea ready for him, won't you?'

Ahahaha! I think it's the emphasis on 'tea' that really makes this.

the worst wizard ever (worst as in meanest and most evil, not as in worst like "Longbottom, you are without doubt the worst Potions student I have ever had the displeasure of teaching. Except perhaps for Potter, whose incompetence is only exceeded by his insolence,")

OH MY GOD, NEVILLE IS ADORABLE AND SOMEBODY NEEDS TO GIVE HIM A HUG. And he worries about having to say something heroic because he is useless at public speaking! I love him!

"I'd agree with you wholeheartedly if it weren't for that ridiculous prophecy."

I ALSO LOVE PHINEAS. INSANELY. HE IS WONDERFUL. Silent in obvious agreement!

SKETCHY SQUIGGLY DUMBLEDORE WHAT.

He tried to push the spectacles back up his nose, and was visibly surprised to find that he hadn't hands yet.

YOU ARE INSANE AND I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.

"Terrible," Phineas replied, before Neville could. "He's completely rubbish. Didn't you teach your students anything? Or were you too busy feeding them lemon drops and letting them swim about in your dusty old penseive?"

Phineas is so fantastic! Sorry, Neville. And Dumbledore somehow sounding genuine! You are a genius! ('An unimpressed Phineas Nigellus' sent me into an insane state of fangirling. You know, more so than I was in already.)

'Oh, boo hoo, I'm not the Chosen One! Oh, boo hoo, I lived in a closet!'

IT IS SO TRUE.

YOU ARE THE BEST PERSON EVER.

Thinking about it now, I am sort of mortified that I posted this! Though your comment had me grinning like an idiot. :D

IF YOU DO NOT WRITE MORE BALTHIER/FRAN/JACK I WILL CRY. DO YOU WANT ME TO CRY, RIONA? IS THAT IT? I knw you can do it awesomely and I just think it would be the most funnest charmingest hottest thing ever!!!

Dangerous ruffians! And vouching for their sharpness! Low quality pen, and Fran's laughter!!!!!lkjaklakljfklfds why must you tease me like this.

And Phineas Nigellus Will Save The Wizarding World.

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