rionaleonhart | Your Vampires Don't Make Sense.

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Your Vampires Don't Make Sense.

reipan: Edward's got two degrees. School bores him senseless. Why does he still go there?
rionaleonhart: There must be some reason. Some sparkly reason.
reipan: I suppose having the vampires not go to school would sort of ruin Twilight. 'Here are Edward and Bella! They never meet! ...the end!'
rionaleonhart: Maybe, maybe the sparkles command the vampires to stay in school because they fancy the teacher or something.
reipan: The sparkles can't speak, Hats.
rionaleonhart: Maybe they can.
reipan: ...sentient sparkles?
rionaleonhart: When Edward is angsting, he runs off to talk to them. 'My sparkles are my only friends!'

rionaleonhart: Seriously, why isn't James gorgeous? Vampires are supposed to be gorgeous. She says in the books that it's a biological prey-attracting thing.
reipan: Maybe he's James of Team Rocket.
rionaleonhart: ...and the Team Rocket incompetence genes fused with the sparkly vampire gorgeousness genes to create something not quite so gorgeous?
reipan: Or maybe he was really ugly to begin with, and the vampire venom can only do so much.
rionaleonhart: That makes sense! Or... as much sense as anything in these books does.
reipan: It's in my brain now. I want Bella and Edward to join Team Rocket. Bella's Pokémon would fairly obviously be a Jigglypuff, or possibly a Chansey... what would Edward have? What sparkles?

reipan: I don't buy that the vampires can't sleep. I mean, sleep isn't just a physical thing; it's also psychological. Why haven't all the vampires gone crazy yet?
rionaleonhart: Are you sure they haven't? Maybe the vampires have some sparkly sleep-alternative.
reipan: Why aren't they having wild hallucinations?
rionaleonhart: Maybe they are! Maybe their brains try to cope with the lack of sleep by dreaming while they're awake.
reipan: Being in school can't make that easy. 'Excuse me, Miss, I have to go. There's a unicorn in the corner, and it's staring at me.'
rionaleonhart: 'Oh, Edward, I love you so.'
'That's great, Bella, but we have to save the townsfolk from the evil unicorns. To the Cullenmobile!'
'...Edward, you've just massacred another town of innocents. They're not unicorns! They don't even have horns!'
reipan: 'Oh, Edward, I love you so.'
'That's great, but... aren't you my mother?'
rionaleonhart: Oh, those wacky Cullens. I wish we'd written Twilight.

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More Twilight humour: Growing Up Cullen! (http://oxymoronassoc.livejournal.com/462027.html#cutid1)

In which Edward becomes an avid scrapbooker and knitter!

Not at the same time, though.

And I think one shouldn't think too hard about the logic of Twilight, as there is none. WHY DO THE VAMPIRES DRIVE A VOLVO? WHY?

Ahahaha, that is brilliant!

You know what someone needs to write? Twilight/Silent Hill. OH MAN, BELLA, YOU THOUGHT YOU HAD PROBLEMS BEFORE. GUESS WHERE YOUR BOYFRIEND IS?

SPARKLY PYRAMID HEAD.

Also, regarding Edward's Pokemon, I refer you to my previous OBVIOUS PROOF of what Pokemon Edward has (http://rionaleonhart.livejournal.com/151348.html?thread=4755508#t4755508).

But if it has to be a sparkly Pokemon, like

hippyjolteon says and is a fair point, it should be Articuno (http://bulbapedia.bulbagarden.net/wiki/Image:Articunoflyingnight.jpg) which is also appropriate because it is cold like ICE, just like Edward's skin.

I considered Articuno, but Ho-oh just wins out on sparkliness.

True.

He probably has both.

He does. Trufaxxx.

Bella may be the only character ever that wouldn't be interesting in Silent Hill. You could throw acid-spitting demons, weird squidgy things with no eyes (or way too many eyes) and Pyramid Head himself at her, and she'd only have two thoughts; "Woe is me, because I do not see Edward!" and "Edward will save me, hooray!"

Plus, she doesn't seem to care if she lives or dies, and people with no self-preservation do not last in Silent Hill.

Which is a shame, because if she reacted in a comprehensible human fashion, it'd be fun to make different Edward-gone-bad versions keep popping up (Evil Edward, Too Hungry To Think Edward, Crazy Edward, Gone Off His Diet And Doesn't Remember Her Edward), and have her worry about which one is real, and if any of them will eat her.

She could meet a guy who drives her absolutely mad with his possessiveness and his 'I know what's best for you' attitude, and eventually realise that he was exactly like Edward but she didn't love him because he wasn't pretty.

Okay, that would be awesome and needs to be written.

Can there also be scary homicidal monster vampires that look exactly like Edward, except without the super-special golden eyes, and there's dozens of identical ones? So she's always running off going "My Edward! Oops, no."

Mwa, ha, ha...

I think Edward would have one of the Legendaries, because he's just ANNOYING like that.

CLEARLY THE TRUTH. That or a Dark-type, to represent the darkness in his soul.

In the first episode of Pokémon, doesn't Ash see Ho-oh flying overhead? Leaving a trail of sparkles?

Emmett probably has a Haunter. Esme has an Absol.

Esme has an Absol.

I misread this as "Esme has an ASBO".

...um?

CHAV VAMPIRES.

That is all.

I need to not read your LJ at work. I AM LAUGHING TOO LOUDLY. D:

And Edward would probably have a Mew or something just to be special. BUT HE DIDN'T CATCH IT, IT FOUND HIM. Or he stalked it and watched it sleep until its spirit broke, whichever.

No, wait. You know what Edward has? All the Pokémon.

Except Eevee. And he pretends to be in love with Bella so he can steal her Eevee.

I am thinking now I will have to read these books if only for research purposes... you know, kind of like you read badfic so you know what mistakes to avoid?

And I always thought James of Team Rocket was kind of attractive... and sparkly. Dragonaire is pretty sparkly. Maybe he would have a Dragonaire. NInetales is also fairly sparkly. Of course, Milotic is the sparkliest Pokemon ever. He'd have a Milotic.

the fact that I have an icon for that disturbs and amuses me at the same time.

They are entertainingly bad! Also, reading them means you'll understand what everyone on the Internet is either making fun of or praising with great praise. Alternatively, if you just feel like reading a parody instead:

xlormp.

James of Team Rocket is very pretty! I think she meant the 'really ugly' explanation as an alternative to the Team Rocket one. And yes, I can see Edward with a Dragonair!

Well I'm going to the library later today anyway, so maybe I'll check they have it, I don't like being out of the loop.

I wish you'd written Twilight as well. I want to see the version where Edward keeps hallucinating unicorns (ALL HIS HALLUCINATIONS SHOULD PROMINENTLY FEATURE UNICORNS!), and is compelled by the talking sparkles to go to high school forever. I think I'd like Edward better that way.

Do you think he's ever eaten a unicorn? And maybe he keeps hallucinating them because unicorn blood has some weird defense mechanism that means any vampire that eats one will be haunted by the hallucination of it forever?

This is nothing at all to do with anything in this post, as I know nothing of Twilight (except that it is poorly written, apparently, and the film poster made me rofl?), but I just needed to tell you: I'm falling for Supernatural and it is entirely your fault.

Longest sentence ever? I THINK SO.

EEEEEE YAY I AM ALWAYS SO HAPPY WHEN PEOPLE FALL FOR MY FANDOMS

Where are you? What do you think of the Winchesters? Talk to me about Supernatural.

Rofl I WILL. I just finished Scarecrow, which is 1.11, I think? I freaking love the Winchesters' bantery bantery relationship OF JOY, although have had a clear favourite since the very first episode and it is DEAN DEAN DEAN. What is the fandom opinion on a preferred brother? Is there one? Anyway, Dean is basically like a character engineered to tick all my "favourite character" boxes. Sarcasm! Snark! Fierce loyalty! Veneer of toughness hiding deep-seated issues! Etc! Etc! And he LOVES HIS CAR good god he's just Starsky from Starsky and Hutch and, fkgnwlknlr, I have always lovvvved Starsky.

CLEARLY I HAVE BEEN NEEDING TO GET ALL THIS OUT OF MY SYSTEM.

In other news, the show itself is terrifying. It's essentially like buddy cops with ~freaking ghosts~ and also a shitload of urban legends, which are all of the things that I have always loved. I have fallen SO HARD, Riona.

OH MAN AND YOU STILL HAVE SEASON TWO TO COME.

SEASON TWO IS AMAZING.

And then there's the third! Which has 'Bad Day at Black Rock', which is one of my favourite episodes of anything ever, and 'Mystery Spot', which is just ridiculous levels of awesome.

SERIOUSLY, SUPERNATURAL HASN'T EVEN HIT ITS STRIDE WHERE YOU ARE. Also, regarding Dean's deep-seated issues? You haven't seen anything yet.

(You are certainly allowed to have a preferred brother! I really can't choose between the two, though. Maybe, maybe Dean?)

If you guys had written Twilight, I'd actually read it. :(

ALSO CLEARLY HE GOES TO SCHOOL FOR THE SAME REASON THAT MAN WITH A BAG OF CANDY IN A VAN HANGS OUT AROUND THE PLAYGROUND.

ILU

Also, I'm buying more stamps today >D

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Your Vampires Don't Make Sense.

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