Riona (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
rionaleonhart) wrote2008-08-31 11:47 am
rionaleonhart) wrote2008-08-31 11:47 am
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Your Vampires Don't Make Sense.
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reipan: Edward's got two degrees. School bores him senseless. Why does he still go there?rionaleonhart: There must be some reason. Some sparkly reason.reipan: I suppose having the vampires not go to school would sort of ruin Twilight. 'Here are Edward and Bella! They never meet! ...the end!'rionaleonhart: Maybe, maybe the sparkles command the vampires to stay in school because they fancy the teacher or something.reipan: The sparkles can't speak, Hats.rionaleonhart: Maybe they can.reipan: ...sentient sparkles?rionaleonhart: When Edward is angsting, he runs off to talk to them. 'My sparkles are my only friends!'rionaleonhart: Seriously, why isn't James gorgeous? Vampires are supposed to be gorgeous. She says in the books that it's a biological prey-attracting thing.reipan: Maybe he's James of Team Rocket.rionaleonhart: ...and the Team Rocket incompetence genes fused with the sparkly vampire gorgeousness genes to create something not quite so gorgeous?reipan: Or maybe he was really ugly to begin with, and the vampire venom can only do so much.rionaleonhart: That makes sense! Or... as much sense as anything in these books does.reipan: It's in my brain now. I want Bella and Edward to join Team Rocket. Bella's Pokémon would fairly obviously be a Jigglypuff, or possibly a Chansey... what would Edward have? What sparkles?reipan: I don't buy that the vampires can't sleep. I mean, sleep isn't just a physical thing; it's also psychological. Why haven't all the vampires gone crazy yet?rionaleonhart: Are you sure they haven't? Maybe the vampires have some sparkly sleep-alternative.reipan: Why aren't they having wild hallucinations?rionaleonhart: Maybe they are! Maybe their brains try to cope with the lack of sleep by dreaming while they're awake.reipan: Being in school can't make that easy. 'Excuse me, Miss, I have to go. There's a unicorn in the corner, and it's staring at me.'rionaleonhart: 'Oh, Edward, I love you so.''That's great, Bella, but we have to save the townsfolk from the evil unicorns. To the Cullenmobile!'
'...Edward, you've just massacred another town of innocents. They're not unicorns! They don't even have horns!'
reipan: 'Oh, Edward, I love you so.''That's great, but... aren't you my mother?'
rionaleonhart: Oh, those wacky Cullens. I wish we'd written Twilight.
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In which Edward becomes an avid scrapbooker and knitter!
Not at the same time, though.
And I think one shouldn't think too hard about the logic of Twilight, as there is none. WHY DO THE VAMPIRES DRIVE A VOLVO? WHY?
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You know what someone needs to write? Twilight/Silent Hill. OH MAN, BELLA, YOU THOUGHT YOU HAD PROBLEMS BEFORE. GUESS WHERE YOUR BOYFRIEND IS?
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But if it has to be a sparkly Pokemon, like
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He probably has both.
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Plus, she doesn't seem to care if she lives or dies, and people with no self-preservation do not last in Silent Hill.
Which is a shame, because if she reacted in a comprehensible human fashion, it'd be fun to make different Edward-gone-bad versions keep popping up (Evil Edward, Too Hungry To Think Edward, Crazy Edward, Gone Off His Diet And Doesn't Remember Her Edward), and have her worry about which one is real, and if any of them will eat her.
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Can there also be scary homicidal monster vampires that look exactly like Edward, except without the super-special golden eyes, and there's dozens of identical ones? So she's always running off going "My Edward! Oops, no."