'I Don't Understand Why Everyone Thinks Paedophiles Are So Funny.'

[rionaleonhart]

Here is a dilemma with which my brother presented me a couple of days ago:

Fred: Would you rather turn everyone who looked at you to stone or have snakes for hair?
Riona: I'd rather have snakes for hair.
Fred: But they bite you.
Riona: Oh. Are they poisonous?
Fred: No.
Riona: Right. I'd still rather have the snakes.
Fred: And they call up their vulture friends to peck at you.
Riona: I'd take away their mobile phones.
Fred: You've got no arms.

I love my family.

Whilst I'm recounting conversations, an exchange I had with a fellow English Language student on the bus:

Riona: I can never be allowed to have a child, because I'd just study its language and forget to feed it.
Nick: Social Services will come to take it away, and you'll just be going, 'No! It hasn't reached the jargoning stage!'
Riona: I've been watching the small child over there. I could kidnap it, write my dissertation on it...
Nick: 'The Baby I Stole', by Harriet Evans.
Riona: It'd make an impression.


I have now watched all but one episode of Derren Brown's old Mind Control series, and at the very end of one of the episodes, just after the credits, Derren Brown freaking poledances. I mean, all right, it's just a two-second shot of Derren revolving around a pole, fully clothed, but my reaction was still the verbal equivalent of '!!!!!' and a rapid rewinding.

You glorious lunatic, Derren.


derrenbrownfic, guys! I think all the people on my flist who would be interested may have joined already, but I thought I'd give a reminder just in case. (I maaaaaay be posting a Derren Brown/Robert Chase fic later today (EDIT: it's up there now!). It's got sex in it, and, as you know, I can't write sex scenes, so you can laugh at me.)

Comments

[misskass.livejournal.com]

Derren Brown/Robert Chase

Weird slash attracts me to things. I'm going to go join now.

[rionaleonhart]

Aha, so that's the key to getting members! The next step is somehow tricking you into writing Derren Brown fanfiction yourself.

[misskass.livejournal.com]

If you were Derren Brown I would be writing right now. I think you need to further channel him, then infiltrate my mind and tell me who to slash him with.

[make-a-move.livejournal.com]

tell me who to slash him with

EVERYONE.

[dracothelizard.livejournal.com]

Captain Jack Harkness!

[vzg.livejournal.com]

Tony Stark!

Zac Efron!

Adamo Ruggiero!

Apollo Anton Ono!

Stephen Colbert!

Dr. Horrible!

Gay Perry!

Brandon St. Randy!

Dr. Cox!

This guy (http://img133.imageshack.us/img133/8526/scaryguy.jpg)!

[misskass.livejournal.com]

I can just imagine that guy being mindfucked into wearing that costume... or Derren Brown doing bad things to Zac Efron for no reason.

I HAVE TO CONCENTRATE ON UNIVERSITY. I CAN'T DEAL WITH ALL OF THESE IDEAS STOP IT.

NO I LOVE IT KEEP GOING.

[vzg.livejournal.com]

Clearly what you need to do it put Zac Efron in that costume.

And then knock him out, put him in a bag, and leave him in Morocco. And then he comes back to sex Derren. OR SOMETHING, I DON'T KNOW.

Oh! Edward Cullen! Derren could fuck with his mind because he realizes he's a creepy stalker dude and then make him treat Bella better, but then she's all, "YOU ARE NOT THE MAN I MARRIED AND HAD A DEMONBABY WITH. I WISH YOU'D NEVER CHEWED MY WOMB." and Edward would sulk and Derren would comfort him.

Or... Tim Drake!

Jay (of Jay and Silent Bob)!

Topher from Dollhouse!

Peter Parker!

Gackt Camui!

The Beatles, inexplicably!

Ned the Piemaker!

Bradley James!

Frank from Little Miss Sunshine!

Kevin Jonas!

[misskass.livejournal.com]

I've only ever read Twilight, so I don't think I could truly capture Edward enough to write about him. Zac, though... I'm really intrigued by that. Maybe with a cameo by Kevin Jonas because they're ~*Disney*~ and ~*musical*~ together. And Tokio Hotel, because I'm an obsessive.

There are so many people on that list I don't recognise the names of. That's sad. D=

[rionaleonhart]

PLEASE DO WRITE DERREN BROWN/ZAC EFRON. That would be seventeen different types of amazing.

[rionaleonhart]

You have somehow managed to put the idea of Derren Brown the Sparkly Vampire in my head, and I really shouldn't want to read it but I do.

Also, Derren Brown/Zac Efron is genius.

[vzg.livejournal.com]

A lot of "should" and "shouldn't" things seems to come up with Derren Brown. I SEE A PATTERN.

:D

[rionaleonhart]

He just spawns wrongness.

Regarding your Brown/my brother comment on RD's journal: ...well, there's a fic I'm never going to write.

(One of my brothers did say 'YOU DON'T LOVE HIM LIKE I DO' when I first started watching Derren Brown, but that was not the Zac Efron brother.)

[vzg.livejournal.com]

...well, there's a fic I'm never going to write.

Didn't you say something similar about another Derren idea? Hmmm?

[vzg.livejournal.com]

No, the key is in the crossovers! Get them with something they know they like *cough*Tony Stark/Derren Brown*cough* and then trap them!

[rionaleonhart]

Speaking of Derren Brown crossovers, I love the fact that derrenbrownfic has been in existence for under a week and already has eight different 'crossover: [insert fandom here]' tags. Is there any fandom into which he cannot be thrown?

[bouncywild.livejournal.com]

Could you take away their phones with your feet?

*LOL because that was a question and my brain made me write it backwards.

[rionaleonhart]

Congratulations; somewhere in Brighton, a woman has just spent several minutes trying to kick herself in the head because of you.

The answer, it seems, is 'no'.

[bouncywild.livejournal.com]

Several minutes? That doesn't seem like you tried very hard!

At least you gave it a go. I applaud you.

[amy-wolf.livejournal.com]

I taught my niece to move her doll furniture with her feet.

I mean we've both got arms and all. She was in the middle of eating with her arms, and I was slightly bored.

[http://users.livejournal.com/_afterism/]

Derren Brown freaking poledances.
I HAD THE EXACT SAME REACTION WHEN I SAW THAT BIT. There may have been hand flailing.

[rionaleonhart]

IT WAS AMAZING. THERE NEEDS TO BE AN ENTIRE SPECIAL ABOUT POLEDANCING. NO PSYCHOLOGICAL TRICKS; JUST DERREN BROWN AND A POLE.

[amy-wolf.livejournal.com]

You are magnificently insane!

And I really want to meet your family some day. They sound impossibly fun.

[rionaleonhart]

I feel I was very lucky to be born into a family of such wonderfully odd people. ♥

[amy-wolf.livejournal.com]

I am still convinced that one day I will meet your family, they will act incredibly ordinary, and you will freak right out.

[make-a-move.livejournal.com]

Derren Brown freaking poledances.

Y SO AWSUM, DERREN BROWN?

Seriously though, I need to see the Mind Control series. Come on, [Bad username or site: @ livejournal.com], hurry up and accept me so I can see if you have it!

[rionaleonhart]

It simultaneously confused me immensely and absolutely made my year. He is so completely insane and I love him for it.

[dracothelizard.livejournal.com]

"Derren Brown freaking poledances."

And suddenly, I am INTRIGUED. Is this on Youtube? Are there screencaps? Seriously.

Also, if you're going to go for PROPER SCIENCE with linguistics, you need to steal several babies to study their language.

[reipan.livejournal.com]

(I maaaaaay be posting a Derren Brown/Robert Chase fic later today. It's got sex in it, and, as you know, I can't write sex scenes, so you can laugh at me.)

I may sort of be joining just to read this.

[rionaleonhart]

...as you are not a fan of Derren Brown, I can only conclude that you want to read this purely so you can mock me for my inability to write sex.

THIS IS NOT THE ACT OF A TRUE FRIEND, REI.

Except it clearly is, because we mock each other all the time. NEVER MIND.

[reipan.livejournal.com]

I wanted to see how you would pair up Chase and Derren Brown. Excuse me for taking an interest in my friend's writing *sniff* YOU'RE SO SUSPICIOUS OF ME. ALL THE TIME. I AM WOUNDED.

Plus you're never as bad at stuff that you say you're bad at as you say you are.

...I'm sure I could get some mockery in there if you wanted me to, though.

[rionaleonhart]

Ah. You'll probably be disappointed if you've already read it and seen that the leadup is essentially 'OKAY THEY'RE HAVING SEX NOW', then.

...er, well, mockery is certainly not compulsory.

[reipan.livejournal.com]

This is appropo of absolutely nothing, but I dare you to try and learn Hot'n'Cold (the song from the Twilight parody) on the ukulele.

[newbie1990.livejournal.com]

EXCUSE ME YOUR TITLE WHAT

[rionaleonhart]

It was something my mother said at a restaurant! I cannot remember whether it was in an appropriate context. Were we laughing at paedophilia? I don't know.

(Hello! ♥!)

[vzg.livejournal.com]

Doc Hammer said something similar at Comic Con, actually...

[saaski-moql.livejournal.com]

Your family is magnificent, I've just now decided. Except not really, because I reached this conclusion quite a while ago.

And it is entirely possible to take away their mobiles with your feet. THERE ARE ACTUAL ARMLESS PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD, RIONA'S BROTHER, HOW COULD YOU BE SO INSENSITIVE. (>.> I used to be able to comb my hair with my feet, because I saw a special on an armless woman when I was seven and Decided To Be Prepared.)

Also, I am now sorely tempted to write a full-length, first-person novella entitled The Baby I Stole, and I'm rather positive that it is all your fault.

[rionaleonhart]

I think I will need a little more practice before I can get my feet up to my hair. Obviously this is necessary, because one never knows when one will lose one's arms and have one's hair turned into telephone-wielding snakes. (That is an impressive level of preparation! I have practised things with my left hand, just in case I lose the right, but if I lose both arms at once I am going to be at a bit of a loss.)

I think you should do it. (Surely it is largely Nick's fault.)

[saaski-moql.livejournal.com]

Well, I was once quite bendy, so I suppose that that helped. (It is amazing what seems like a good idea aat age seven.)

Remind me to start it at some point. And see that I don't turn it into a NaNo project because I'm actually getting ideas now and that's taking this just a bit too far. Also I have to write something about squirrels and a retelling of The Little Mermaid first. You may not want to ask.

[amy-wolf.livejournal.com]

I used to suck my toes instead of my thumb. I was an odd kid.

I also had an exceptionally strange physical therapist teach me how to pick things up with my toes. Apparently, she thought the problem with my feet was that they couldn't manipulate objects well enough. As a result, I can now pick up pens with my toes, uncap them, and hold them for writing (I can't write very legibly, though). And I can still pick up a CD case, open it, take the CD out, put it in the CD player (provided it's low enough to the ground), and press play. Which is useless, but cool.

[vzg.livejournal.com]

I used to suck my toes instead of my thumb. I was an odd kid.

I think most kids tried that at least once. I mean, I know I wanted to know how my feet tasted. The answer was good, but I was lazy and it was too much work so I just sucked on the inside of my arm for a while.

[amy-wolf.livejournal.com]

Yeah! That's the odd thing! I liked the taste of my toes!

And I still grab things with my feet. Because I am lazy in the inventive way. And my niece is apparently doing the same thing because she wants to eat crackers with two hands at once and play with her dolls at the same time.

[cryforthemoon.livejournal.com]

P-pole dancing? *melts a bit*

[rionaleonhart]

Indeed! Clearly, this is something he needs to do more often.

[dictionary00.livejournal.com]

I read the first two-thirds of your post and did not see any mention of Derren Brown whatsoever! My world almost caved in before I was able to read the rest of that post, Riona. You can't do that to people without warning, it's not nice.

On topic? Oh, um. ImaybejoiningjusttoreadthatDerren/Chasefic. *hides*

[rionaleonhart]

HEY, I CAN UPDATE ABOUT THINGS THAT AREN'T DERREN BROWN. Just because my last... er.

Just because my last twenty entries have been about him.

...THAT'S ONLY ONE PAGE, OKAY, THAT'S NOTHING.

Ahem. Anyway. I hope you enjoy the fic!

[bubl.livejournal.com]

Your family is funny and the convo about the baby is fabulous. People leave babies in public bathrooms all the time, surely you could find someone to donate one to you?

I.. kind of want to join just so I can see how you got those two together.

[rionaleonhart]

I think I'd have to steal quite a few babies in order to get a meaningful sample. Perhaps I should (reluctantly) abandon this idea.

YOU'VE JOINED NOW. YOU CAN'T GET OUT. SOONER OR LATER THE SUBLIMINAL MESSAGES IMPLANTED IN THE COMMUNITY WILL WORM THEIR WAY INTO YOUR HEAD AND YOU WILL START WRITING DERREN BROWN FANFICTION.

[amy-wolf.livejournal.com]

If you wind up sleep-deprived enough, you start getting these weird waking dreams where people you're talking to sparkle for no discernible reason. I thought you'd like to know this.

Actually, it would explain Edward. Bella had really bad insomnia and made huge chunks of the story up!