Banana You Glad I Didn't Say Orange?

[rionaleonhart]

HERE ARE SOME AMAZING THINGS:

- I have just discovered a song about Derren Brown, played on the ukulele, on YouTube. Glee!

- Here is a wonderful Sherlock Holmes fanvid, set to 'Read My Mind' by the Killers. It makes me want to sit down and watch the whole of the Adventures of Sherlock Holmes. Oh, Jeremy Brett, you were the perfect Holmes. Look at him leaping around and waving his arms!

- x_los made an entry from which I learnt that the Fourth Doctor once, upon escaping from a yoke by thrusting it at the guards who had captured him, said, 'I suppose you could say "the yoke's on him", if you were the sort of person who said that sort of thing, which fortunately I'm not.'

I have never even watched the Fourth Doctor, and this reported line alone has brought him very close to being my favourite incarnation.

- Yesterday, my brothers had a terrible pun war. Terrible jokes are some of my favourite things in the world. The theme of the day, apparently, was 'monkeys'.

Here are some of the jokes that came up:

J: Why did the monkey go out in the sun? He wanted to get an orangu-TAN.

F: What do most monkeys become when they grow up? A CHIMP-ney sweep.

J: Why did the monkey get sent to Hogwarts?
F: To learn magic?
J: Because it was a Howler.

F: What animal in the jungle do you use to get into your house?
J: A monkey.
F: What currency do they use in the jungle?
J: Monkeys?
F: ...yes.
J: Why was six afraid of the monkey?

I did warn you that they were terrible.

The younger of my brothers, F, was extremely secretive about the punchline of one of his jokes, on account of its being 'too good' and his fear that it would be stolen; he whispered it to the others at the table, but refused to tell it to me. I eventually learnt it about an hour later, and I think the resulting uncontrollable laughter was largely due to the great air of mystery about it and the amount of time I had spent musing on what the punchline could possibly be.

The question:
What is a monkey's favourite cereal?
The answer (blacked out: highlight to read; for full effect, you should probably consider it for a while before actually highlighting):

Rice monkeys.

I could not stop laughing. I'm laughing again just thinking about it.

Please feel free to share your favourite terrible jokes in the comments, monkey-themed or otherwise!

Comments

[dracothelizard.livejournal.com]

LOL anyway!

[rustydragonfly.livejournal.com]

I finally remembered another!

How do monkeys make toast?
They put it under a grill-a!

[dracothelizard.livejournal.com]

- Knock knock
- Who's there?
- Cthul
- Cthul-who?

I'm hoping you know about Lovecraft and the Cthulhu mythos, otherwise that one isn't funny at all.

[rustydragonfly.livejournal.com]

Oh man, that's just BAD.

Here, have a long one:

So once the Pope was going to one of his many important events he has to attend and when his limo pulled up to the Vatican he asked the driver, "Would you mind if I drove myself. No one ever let's me drive." The driver had no desire to argue with the Pope so he agreed and scooted over to the passenger's seat.

The pope got in buckled his seatbelt and eased his foot on to the accelerater. *This feels good,* he thought as the car inched forward. It had really been a long time since he had driven any type of vehicle and soon he allowed himself to go a little faster. The more he drove the more excited he became until eventually he was speeding down the highway at 115 mph whizzing through traffic, yelling happy exclamations to the terrified driver who was clinging to his seat. Of course it wasn't long before he had a cop on his tail. He pulled over and rolled his window down slowly, praying he would get off with a warning, as the chubby police officer walked up. The policeman was about to ask for liscense and registration when he saw the religious figurehead sitting there in the drivers seat. He blinked a few times then instead said, "Excuse me, I'll be right back."

The policeman walked back to his car and spoke into his radio. "Hey chief, I just pulled over somebody for speeding and I don't really know what to do. He's sort of an important person."

"I don't care how important he is!" The cheif barked. "You give him a goddamn ticket!"

"I don't know," the policeman said. "We're talking really important."

"Is it the president?"

"No."

"Is it Madonna?"

"No."

"Well who is it, dammit?"

"This is going to sound crazy but I think it's God. He has the Pope driving his limo."

[dracothelizard.livejournal.com]

LOLS.

[rustydragonfly.livejournal.com]

Blame NaNoWriMo's joke threads! At least I think the alcohol is worn off now. Wait, that means I have no excuse for this.


One day, a bear and a rabbit were walking through the woods when they came across an old magic lamp. When they rubbed it, a genie came out and said they each had three wishes.

The bear said "I wish all the bears in this forest were girls!" And so they were.

The genie then asked the rabbit for his first wish, to which the rabbit said "I wish for a crash helmet" - and so he did.

Then the genie asked the bear for his second wish. "I wish all the bears in the country were girls!" said the bear. And so they were.

It was the rabbit's turn again, so he said "I wish I had a motorbike" and sure enough, a shiny new motorbike appeared.

"Now you each have only one wish left," said the genie. "What do you wish for?"

The bear immediately said "I wish all the bears in the world were girls!" And again, so they were.

The rabbit thought for a long time, before putting on the crash helmet and getting on the bike. He started the engine up, pointed at the bear, and said... "I wish he was gay!"


And if that wasn't bad enough, let me introduce you all to The Longest Joke In The World (http://www.innocentenglish.com/best-funny-jokes/longest-joke-ever.html).

[dracothelizard.livejournal.com]

HURRAH FOR PUTTING OFF ACTUAL WRITING DURING NOVEMBER. I'm glad Script Frenzy is coming to me easier, hurrah for movie script formatting with its plentiful white lines and wide margins.

And I am not reading all THAT right now.

[rustydragonfly.livejournal.com]

You might wanna set aside an afternoon for that one.

I came so, so close to deciding to do Script Frenzy this year and then pulled out. But that was mainly because I was going DAMMIT YOU HAVE THREE AND A BIT NOVELS WAITING TO BE EDITED INTO SOMETHING DECENT. YOU DO NOT NEED MORE. Maybe some day, though...

[dracothelizard.livejournal.com]

EDITING BEFORE FRENZY-ING.

A warning for when you do...

[lasayla.livejournal.com]

I don't know what accent you use when you read English, but you have to read that joke in an American accent because IT DOES NOT WORK PROPERLY IN BRITISH ENGLISH!