rionaleonhart: final fantasy x-2: the sun is rising, yuna looks to the future. (get it? ...get it?)
Riona ([personal profile] rionaleonhart) wrote2009-04-12 07:52 pm

Banana You Glad I Didn't Say Orange?

HERE ARE SOME AMAZING THINGS:

- I have just discovered a song about Derren Brown, played on the ukulele, on YouTube. Glee!

- Here is a wonderful Sherlock Holmes fanvid, set to 'Read My Mind' by the Killers. It makes me want to sit down and watch the whole of the Adventures of Sherlock Holmes. Oh, Jeremy Brett, you were the perfect Holmes. Look at him leaping around and waving his arms!

- [livejournal.com profile] x_los made an entry from which I learnt that the Fourth Doctor once, upon escaping from a yoke by thrusting it at the guards who had captured him, said, 'I suppose you could say "the yoke's on him", if you were the sort of person who said that sort of thing, which fortunately I'm not.'

I have never even watched the Fourth Doctor, and this reported line alone has brought him very close to being my favourite incarnation.

- Yesterday, my brothers had a terrible pun war. Terrible jokes are some of my favourite things in the world. The theme of the day, apparently, was 'monkeys'.

Here are some of the jokes that came up:

J: Why did the monkey go out in the sun? He wanted to get an orangu-TAN.

F: What do most monkeys become when they grow up? A CHIMP-ney sweep.

J: Why did the monkey get sent to Hogwarts?
F: To learn magic?
J: Because it was a Howler.

F: What animal in the jungle do you use to get into your house?
J: A monkey.
F: What currency do they use in the jungle?
J: Monkeys?
F: ...yes.
J: Why was six afraid of the monkey?

I did warn you that they were terrible.

The younger of my brothers, F, was extremely secretive about the punchline of one of his jokes, on account of its being 'too good' and his fear that it would be stolen; he whispered it to the others at the table, but refused to tell it to me. I eventually learnt it about an hour later, and I think the resulting uncontrollable laughter was largely due to the great air of mystery about it and the amount of time I had spent musing on what the punchline could possibly be.

The question:
What is a monkey's favourite cereal?
The answer (blacked out: highlight to read; for full effect, you should probably consider it for a while before actually highlighting):
Rice monkeys.

I could not stop laughing. I'm laughing again just thinking about it.

Please feel free to share your favourite terrible jokes in the comments, monkey-themed or otherwise!

[identity profile] dracothelizard.livejournal.com 2009-04-12 07:42 pm (UTC)(link)
"I have just discovered a song about Derren Brown, played on the ukulele, on YouTube. Glee!"

I would've assumed that that was YOU except for the bit where I met you and know what you look like. STILL. Derren may very well be trying to play that song on his own ukelele!

[identity profile] draegonhawke.livejournal.com 2009-04-12 07:46 pm (UTC)(link)
This is quite possibly the worst joke I've ever heard. [livejournal.com profile] floraldeoderant told it, which may explain that Seriously, though, you lose, like, 9 xboxillion karma points for telling it or laughing at it, which of course we all did. (I think the reason you laugh is BECAUSE it's horrible, honestly; it's one of those taboo-breaking things where it just triggers the laugh response because it's so far removed from good and right.)

But.


What's worse than finding a dead skunk under your pillow?

...

... ...

... ... ...

The Holocaust.

[identity profile] timydamonkey.livejournal.com 2009-04-12 07:47 pm (UTC)(link)
The Fourth Doctor had some hilarious lines, though my personal favourite Doctor is the second.

And since I totally don't spend fragments of my time reading quotes from fictional characters on wikiquote... - oh, alright, I do - here are some comments from said two Doctors that are quoteable enough to... y'know, get on wikiquote. :P

Four (http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Fourth_Doctor) (I believe said quote features there!)

Two (http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Second_Doctor)

I will now slink off to read something that totally isn't about fictional characters on wikiquote... :P

[identity profile] dracothelizard.livejournal.com 2009-04-12 07:53 pm (UTC)(link)
Perhaps he can teach his parrots to sing it?

Also, I only know the REALLY bad jokes Alan Davies once told on QI:

Q: What's brown and sticky?
A: A stick.

Q: Why did the mushroom go to the party?
A: He was a fun guy.
Edited 2009-04-12 19:53 (UTC)

[identity profile] th-esaurus.livejournal.com 2009-04-12 07:53 pm (UTC)(link)
I--rice monkeys?
ext_235416: (Default)

[identity profile] littlemoose.livejournal.com 2009-04-12 08:05 pm (UTC)(link)
The best joke I ever heard - maybe it was just the rEally earnest delivery but it cracked me up for hours - was told to me by a six year old my mum used to babysit.

There were two sausages in a frying pan. One sausage says, "Blimey, it's hot in here!" and the second goes "OH MY GOD OH MY GOD A TALKING SAUSAGE!"

[identity profile] thrennion.livejournal.com 2009-04-12 08:31 pm (UTC)(link)
Q: What's red and stands in the corner?
A: A naughty strawberry.

[identity profile] apiphile.livejournal.com 2009-04-12 08:33 pm (UTC)(link)
Before I begin I should point out that since sending off my contract on Friday *I AM A PROFESSIONAL COMEDIAN* and I cannot be held responsible for any broken ribs that may result from my INCREDIBLE HILARITY.

*clears throat*

What do you say to a grizzly with a stutter?





(are you ready for the hilarity?)





(really?)





...



THAT BEARS REPEATING.



baddum. tish.

[identity profile] apiphile.livejournal.com 2009-04-12 08:34 pm (UTC)(link)
Ahahahahahha see I always heard this one:

What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?
Finding half a worm in your apple.
What's worse than finding half a worm in your apple?
GANG RAPE!

[identity profile] cryforthemoon.livejournal.com 2009-04-12 08:35 pm (UTC)(link)
Everything in this entry is made of awesome. Also, what goes 'bonk-ninety-nine, bonk ninety-nine'?

[identity profile] thrennion.livejournal.com 2009-04-12 08:38 pm (UTC)(link)
So, once upon a time, there was a family of balloons. Now, the youngest balloon was very frightened one night, so he ran into his parents' bedroom and asked if he could sleep in their bed, too. The balloon parents said that he could, but he would have to curl up or something so they could make some room for him. So, he deflated himself a little, but that wasn't enough, because the other balloon child was scared too and wanted to sleep in their parents' bed. So the balloon child who got there first deflated his sister. But he also had to deflate his mum, so there could be enough room.
Once he'd done that, his father turned to him and said:
"Well, son. Not only have you let your mother down, you've also let your sister down. But most of all, you've let yourself down."

Q: What does a cat on Prozac say?
A: Me.

"I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy. "

"I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it. "

[identity profile] apiphile.livejournal.com 2009-04-12 08:39 pm (UTC)(link)
To be fair, none of the members of Comedicidal Lolocaust [Camden Fringe, 9-11th of August!] are in the business of jokes, per se. We have one joke each - Rose's is about Latin Grammar, Holly's is about cytogenetics, and continuing the theme of education women being eloquent on subjects that interest them...

... mine's about a bear with a speech impediment.

Oh boy.

*face*

[identity profile] dracothelizard.livejournal.com 2009-04-12 08:41 pm (UTC)(link)
Q: What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A: A carrot.

[identity profile] timydamonkey.livejournal.com 2009-04-12 08:51 pm (UTC)(link)
That was pretty much my reaction. -looks bewildered-

[identity profile] apiphile.livejournal.com 2009-04-12 08:55 pm (UTC)(link)
You imagine correctly! I also give an enthusiastic double-thumbs up like Buddy Jesus. So far it's about 50/50 "hysteria" and "horrified staring" in response. :D

[identity profile] galaxysong9.livejournal.com 2009-04-12 08:57 pm (UTC)(link)
I started a hurricane of puns with a friend yesterday. By the end you could hardly punderstand us because we were laughing so much as to be punintelligble, and his roommate was so punamused he wanted to punch us for continuing to punish him. We continued in this vein so long it was really punforgiveable, but in the end he was able to beat me, so I remain... his punderstudy.

You're in good company. ;)

[identity profile] black-regalia.livejournal.com 2009-04-12 08:58 pm (UTC)(link)
...wait. Rice? I don't get it D: What does that mean?

[identity profile] apiphile.livejournal.com 2009-04-12 08:59 pm (UTC)(link)
M: It's his own fault, he should have been wearing sunscreen to protect himself from harmful rays.

The look of genuine pain on my boyfriend's face when I read that to him made me laugh approximately three times longer. THANK YOU.

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