Of Ruffians In Fine Clothing.

thebaconfat HAS WRITTEN ABOUT THE ADVENTURES OF BALTHIER, FRAN AND CAPTAIN JACK HARKNESS AND IT IS WONDERFUL.

Time-Travelling Sky Pirates of Ivalice: In Which Our Heroes Spend Some Quality Time in a Dungeon.

I love it so much. It contains the following exchange:

"He has offended your virtue?" Fran asked.
Jack grinned rather widely at both of them.
"He's rumpled my collar," Balthier intoned.

This is obviously a thing of joy. READ IT. NOT KNOWING WHO BALTHIER AND FRAN ARE IS NOT AN ACCEPTABLE EXCUSE.

I was planning to expand this post by digging out all the fic ideas that have come up but never got off the ground in dracothelizard's and my e-mail discussions, but then I realised that Draco and I have sent each other over 3,500 e-mails in the past year and that's rather a lot to dig through at this time of night. Maybe another day. (SHUT UP, WE ARE NOT GAY FOR EACH OTHER.)

And 'How on Ivalice?' Just Sounds Silly.

When it seems as if the phrase might fit their speech patterns, it is incredibly difficult to remember not to have characters say 'How on Earth?' or 'Where on Earth?' when they are not, in fact, from Earth. Argh.

This is apparently going to be an entry of Laments About Writing. Hurrah!

- Getting the tenses clear is bloody confusing when characters have travelled into the past and are talking about their present.

- The Captain Jack Harkness in Torchwood is far too different from the Captain Jack Harkness in Doctor Who for me to feel entirely comfortable when writing the character. I don't know how to reconcile the two characterisations.

- Fran is far too quiet and also incredibly difficult to write for. She just sort of fades into the background while the other two take over the story and make it into the Balthier and Harkness Show. This is entirely unfair, because Fran is awesome and should really have a larger part than she's getting.

- In fact, although I feel fairly all right when it comes to Balthier, I find myself completely at sea when it comes to characterising any of the other characters from Final Fantasy XII. This is an enormous shame, as I had sort of hoped to be able to have the Balthier/Fran/Jack team encounter them occasionally.

- Why can't I work out how Withnail and Jeremy Clarkson would interact? They obviously need to meet (in order to put the fear of God into their long-haired friends, if for no other reason), but I have no idea what would happen. I really want to write this crossover, but I can only actually come up with the tiniest of snippets:


He reaches over, appropriates Jeremy's scotch and downs it, apparently entirely ignorant of the fact that this is a fairly large violation of the rules of etiquette.

"James and whatsisname seem to be getting on well, don't they?" Jeremy observes. "What is his name, anyway?"

"How the fuck am I supposed to know?" Withnail asks, irritably.


- I wish I'd stop accumulating Inappropriate Real-Person Threesomes. Clarkson/Hammond/May (Top Gear) is - well, it's completely insane, of course, but on its own it's all right. Then, of course, I had to fall for Morgan/Holden/Cowell (Britain's Got Talent (the shame!)), and now I find myself thinking about Alex/Jess/Paul (The Real Hustle). This latest is probably at least partially due to the fact that, when they're talking about the psychic scam, there's a point at which it looks as if Alex's hand is on Paul's leg; I realised after looking more closely that it was actually Paul's hand, but by then it was too late. I think that the lesson here is that I really, really need to stop watching non-fiction programmes with any sort of trio at the core. (This may not strictly be a lament about writing (unless I ever actually write Alex/Jess/Paul, which would be an awful thing to do and please don't let me do it), but that does not stop it from being true.)

Suddenly, Everyone Was Run Over By A Lorry.

Oh, dear, I'm completely doomed. I've just watched the part where the hustlers walk away with arms around each other's shoulders and adorable hair-ruffling after the jewellery shop scam about six times, and, yes, I am now completely smitten with Alex/Jess/Paul.

I hate it when I fall for something that has literally no fanfiction. Why can't I just watch this to keep myself well-informed about scams and thievery, like normal people? (Or to find out how to perform 'lol cool scams', if by 'normal people' we mean 'commenters on YouTube'.)

I suppose that perhaps the most logical thing to do with The Real Hustle fanfiction would be to treat it as if they are genuine con artists, rather than just demonstrating tricks and then returning the gains. WHAT NO I AM NOT GENUINELY CONSIDERING THIS WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

My only consolation is that none of you, to my knowledge, actually watch The Real Hustle, so you can't force me to write it. And that's not even much consolation, because it also means that I'm not going to be able to persuade Alex/Jess/Paul out of you. Blast.

On an entirely unrelated note: A New Hope may be the only one of the Star Wars films I've actually seen, but that doesn't mean I'm not absolutely convinced that Han Solo needs to be paired up with Captain Jack Harkness.

(Good Lord, three updates in one day. I don't think that's happened since... well, since I got a Livejournal, actually. But one was just after midnight, so it doesn't really count as 'today'. BECAUSE I SAY SO.

To be honest, half the reason I tend not to update multiple times in one day is the fact that I'm a bit of a comment-addict and I fear that people may not comment on posts if there's a newer one. THERE, I SAID IT. I'm such a filthy useless-at-commenting hypocrite.)