I Was Swimming With An Ostrich Once, And It Sank.

[rionaleonhart]

I went to see The Unbelievable Truth being recorded yesterday with causethesounds and ihavecake! It was a delightful experience. For those who don't know, The Unbelievable Truth is a radio panel game, chaired by David Mitchell, in which each panellist has to deliver a short speech on a given topic. Everything in the speech must be false except for five true facts, which must be smuggled past the rest of the panel. If another panellist spots a truth, they gain a point; if they mistake a lie for a truth, they lose a point. The panellists on this occasion were Tony Hawks, Arthur Smith, Phill Jupitus and, to my surprise and delight, Catherine Tate. AND ALSO IT'S CHAIRED BY DAVID MITCHELL. I mentioned that before, but I'm mentioning it again.

(There's always a bit of a 'my goodness, they really exist!' moment when one sees a public figure one admires in real life. In the case of David Mitchell, it was 'my goodness, he really exists and he really is that quick'.)

Two episodes were recorded whilst we were there, and here are some things I remember! Spoilers for the broadcast in April, obviously, if you're worried about panel show spoilers (there's nothing major; no 'CATHERINE TATE SNOGGED DAVID MITCHELL' or anything, which in any case wouldn't translate well to radio), but I'll also probably cover some things that won't be broadcast.



- During Hawks' lecture on hats, Smith suggested that Mitchell might wear a Panama hat in his later years.

Smith: Men who are trying to retain a certain racy quality wear Panama hats.
Mitchell: What I want to know is when I'm going to develop the racy quality that I am then going to try to retain.


- Mitchell was incredibly fascinated by Jupitus' claim that hats were once blocked with lead, in response to Hawks' 'most ten-gallon hats nowadays are unleaded' line. "Oooh! Ooooh! I - ooooh! ...you've probably guessed from my fascinated 'ooooh'ing that that wasn't one of the facts Tony was supposed to smuggle past you."

I really like Mitchell's obvious love for facts.

There was then some confusion over what exactly 'blocking' a hat was.

Hawks: What do you mean, blocking a hat?
Mitchell: Sometimes, when a hat comes at you...
(all perform a cross-armed 'blocking' gesture that doesn't really work in writing and will probably work even less on radio)

When a researcher found and communicated that hats were in fact blocked with mercury, Jupitus asked the audience whether any of us had thought it was lead. No response. "Why didn't you say something? You were all just sitting there thinking 'it's mercury, the fools'."


- Apparently, the top hat caused immense shock when first worn in the street by John Hetherington in 1797. He was booed and jeered, several women fainted, and Hetherington was taken to court for 'appearing on the public highway wearing upon his head a tall structure having a shining lustre and calculated to frighten timid people'. I think that's amazing.


- Smith cracked up in the middle of his lecture on pigeons at his own claim that the largest pigeon ever discovered was a metre tall and weighed eighteen pounds. "It was very late when I wrote that."


- During Tate's lecture on hairdressing, Smith opined that, to a man with little hair, another man's luxuriant locks might be interpreted as a 'come-on', as a mockery.

Mitchell: But what do you mean by 'come-on'? Like a sexual come-on? Or an invitation to a fight? Or a sexy fight?


- Phill Jupitus' impression of a seasick Nelson saying 'Kiss me, Hardy': extensive and revolting. Mitchell congratulated him on managing to simultaneously capture the homoerotic tension and the vomiting.


- Hawks tried to bluff a couple of times with "That sounds plausible. I think that might be true. In fact, I know it." Smith, meanwhile, tended to back up his buzzes with personal experience: "I was in the Hat of the Year competition in Minnesota." (Said competition did not, in fact, exist.)

My favourite of Smith's claims is in the title of this entry. Hawks claimed that ostriches were poor swimmers. Smith buzzed in.

"I was swimming with an ostrich once," he said, "and it sank."

As it transpired, ostriches were in fact rather good swimmers. ("I didn't have my glasses on. It may have been a person.")


- One of Smith's subjects was 'toast', and Robin Southgate, the man who had invented a toaster that used information from the Internet to burn an image of the day's weather into one's toast, came up. (Apparently, the original plan was to use Ceefax, but it was abandoned because in that case, rather wonderfully, every toaster would require a television licence.) The panellists decided that Southgate would make a lovely boyfriend for Mitchell, waxing lyrical about the two of them making toast together. Mitchell sort of played along: "I think he sounds a very interesting man."

Later, the panellists somehow decided that they were all going to go with Mitchell to visit Southgate.

Hawks: Robin Southgate, if you're listening to this: we really are coming.


- Hawks buzzed in some way into Smith's lecture on toast.

Hawks: I don't think anyone has got any of his truths yet, and I don't know if this has been done before, but I'm going to say the next thing he says is going to be true.
Mitchell: It has actually happened before, and it generally hasn't gone well, but I'll certainly accept your bid.
Jupitus: He could say anything now. He could say Hitler stabbed Roosevelt to death with a slice of toast.
Mitchell: That's true; Arthur is in no way obliged to say what he was originally going to say next.
Hawks: Ah.
Smith: Don't be ridiculous. (pause) Nelson stabbed...

(The actual fact to come next - and it was true - was that a book on housekeeping contained a recipe for a 'toast sandwich', which was a slice of toast between two slices of bread.)


- Tate included the statement 'It is widely acknowledged that red is the most beautiful of all hair colours' in her lecture on the colour red. Smith buzzed it as true and got a point for gallantry.


- Jupitus told an untrue story about the origin of the word 'spectacles' to mean eyeglasses, concluding with "...came to be referred to by the word 'spectacles', which is still with us today." Tate buzzed in on the fact that 'spectacles' is indeed still with us today (obviously not one of the official facts that Jupitus was meant to smuggle past the panel) and managed to browbeat Mitchell into giving her the point.


- On occasion, the panel called out to the audience for clarification on topics such as the reign of Queen Anne and the precise referent of 'Borneo'.

"I feel like such a fraud," Mitchell said, preparing to repeat the information on Borneo given to him by an audience member. "Then again, that's the nature of knowledge, isn't it? You must have learnt it from someone at some point. Why would it be any more valid if I had been pointlessly carrying that in my brain for six years?"

("God," Hawks said admiringly, post-repetition, "you're so knowledgeable.")

"An audience of this size essentially functions as a search engine," Mitchell observed later. "The question is, what happens if we put in 'porn'?"


- Mitchell often pushed his hand back through his hair. It made his hair stick up adorably. Just an idle observation.



After the recording, the producer thanked us for being a 'kind and patient' audience. The panel were affronted.

Mitchell: 'We know what you guys have been through. Sorry you had to sit through those twats.'

I had an incredibly delightful time sitting through those twats! Thank you so much for the ticket, causethesounds.

Comments

[amandapear.livejournal.com]

This is a fantastic writeup of the proceedings! Thank you so much; I'm so terrible at remembering things from recordings (usually my thought process runs thus: "Oh god. Funny people. Being funny. I'm in heaven. Was that it? I can't remember any of it now...")

I'm quite disappointed that David's not a fan of Marmite - though he's possibly the only man in the world who "doesn't really like it" rather than loving/hating it...

BTW, if you're after some tickets for the 23rd, I've got some spares (panic-ordered too many after I didn't get any for the New Year special, because I'm clearly a moron) so you're welcome to some. :)

[rionaleonhart]

Oh, my goodness, really? I would love to go to the recording on the twenty-third! Thank you so much! (I'd never actually been to a comedy recording before, and I may well develop a taste for it.)

Ahahaha, my memory is terrible, so I always have to write everything down immediately afterwards (not just everything that happens in recordings; everything that happens in my life). I'm glad you like the writeup!

[nomelon.livejournal.com]

Wonderful. And I can't believe you got to see Catherine Tate! I am jealous!

!!!

[rionaleonhart]

She is so gorgeous! And she seems a little bit scatterbrained, which is a trait that I always find endearing.

[fireholly.livejournal.com]

Hi, I'm just going to be sitting over here oozing jealousy at you.

[rionaleonhart]

I'm trying not to be smug, but I have to admit it's difficult.

[zeitheist.livejournal.com]

("I didn't have my glasses on. It may have been a person.")

I just laughed out loud. DAMN YOU ARTHUR SMITH.

This sounds fabulous! David Mitchell sounds adorable!

In unrelated news: I saw an old re-run of Mock The Week last night with David Mitchell as a panellist, and I was completely fascinated at the fact that Frankie Boyle seemed to really like all of Mitchell's jokes. For some reason, this only made me love David Mitchell even more.

[rionaleonhart]

I had no idea who Arthur Smith was, but he was rather hilarious.

David Mitchell is adorable! I want to keep him in a box.

[misskass.livejournal.com]

Tate buzzed in on the fact that 'spectacles' is indeed still with us today (obviously not one of the official facts that Jupitus was meant to smuggle past the panel) and managed to browbeat Mitchell into giving her the point.

This is why I love Catherine Tate. ♥

[rionaleonhart]

'YOU SAID IT WAS TRUE. WITH YOUR WORDS.' It was a rather brilliant moment.

[urawrd.livejournal.com]

I am seething with jealousy over here. David Mitchell! On the radio!

[rionaleonhart]

It was such fun! I hope you have the opportunity to see one of his recordings at some point.

[thinkpink20.livejournal.com]

Eeeee! Sounds like this was lots of fun; I've never listened to The Unbelievable Truth but anything with David on/in is good with me. :D

Bless him for thinking he doesn't have a racy quality! *grins* He makes my heart race, anyway!

[rionaleonhart]

It was fun! I'm not sure The Unbelievable Truth works quite as well as one would hope on the radio, as much of it is comedians reading their pre-prepared speeches, but actually being at the recording was fantastic. (And it is still worth a listen.)

[marginaliana]

I am jealous like Jealous Joe McJealous, graduate of the university of Jealous. :P Davidddd! And Arthur Smith, who I love! And Catherine Tate, who I love! And... actually, there's not a single one of them that I dislike. It sounds like these episodes are going to be brilliant. Thank you for reporting!

[rionaleonhart]

Sorry for inciting your jealousy! I feel a bit guilty for not actually knowing Smith before I went; evidently you would have been more deserving of the ticket. He was great, though.

[derryderrydown.livejournal.com]

Oh, David Mitchell. Much homoeroticism and mention of porn. WE KNOW YOU WERE THINKING OF LONGINGLY OF THAT POSSIBLE NEWSNIGHT KISS WITH CHARLIE.

[rionaleonhart]

In my lunacy, I was actually slightly distressed when the panellists were trying to set him up with Southgate. NOOOO, MITCHELL ALREADY HAS A WONDERFUL BOYFRIEND WAITING FOR HIM. HE JUST HAS TO REALISE IT.

[dracothelizard.livejournal.com]

"Smith buzzed it as true and got a point for gallantry."

Awww!

TOAST SANDWICH LOL.

The combo of toasters and television licenses always make me go HEE because of The Young Ones!

I really should listen to this more often.

[rionaleonhart]

The toast sandwich is just a stroke of brilliance. I'm going to have to try that some day.

[apiphile.livejournal.com]

a book on housekeeping contained a recipe for a 'toast sandwich', which was a slice of toast between two slices of bread.

Most British Recipe EVER.

On occasion, the panel called out to the audience for clarification on topics such as the reign of Queen Anne and the precise referent of 'Borneo'.

I love Radio Four. :)

An audience of this size essentially functions as a search engine

...*blink* Excellent point, David.

[rionaleonhart]

Hawks also had to ask the audience for a pen, actually.

Mitchell: THIS IS THE STATE OF THE BBC.

[dancesontrains.livejournal.com]

Smith, meanwhile, tended to back up his buzzes with personal experience: "I was in the Hat of the Year competition in Minnesota." (Said competition did not, in fact, exist.)

I immediately c/p'ed this section to my friend in Minnesota so we could be disappointed together! (Also she informs me she would win.)

[rionaleonhart]

Evidently it is your friend's duty to start this contest.

[suzie-shooter.livejournal.com]

OMG Tony Hawks! I am sooooo jealous! *steals him*
(Also, Tony/Arthur = mildly fugly OTP 4evah :D)

[rionaleonhart]

Hawks was very good, but you can have him if I can keep Mitchell.

(Hawks/Smith didn't occur to me, but that was possibly because I was busy looking in vain for Brooker/Mitchell subtext in a Brookerless situation.)

[reipan.livejournal.com]

I am strangely reminded of that essay you wrote in Year Nine about why toast always lands butter-side down. Remember that? I still tell people that story.

[rionaleonhart]

So was I, actually. I can't believe I wasn't marked down for writing such complete nonsense in that exam, but I suppose it was more a test of English language skills than of scientific accuracy.

[yumiboo.livejournal.com]

omg! The Unthinkable Truth! asurgajhvef!!!! I love that show! :D

Soooo unbelievably jealous of you at this right moment. In a good way. I guess. If there can be a good way of being jealous of people.

[rionaleonhart]

Sorry for the jealousy-inducing, even if you were jealous in a good way! I hope the writeup could convey a little of the joy of being there, at least.

[rhosyndu.livejournal.com]

Eee! I am rather fond of TUT though, as you say, its biggest weakness is that the panelists are reading pre-prepared speeches - though at least they're written by themselves - when the best thing of any panel show has to be when it dissolves into nonsense and teasing each other off the cuff.

Thank you for the write up -- if you've not got all the episodes already I do believe I have uploads of all of them kicking around on my MU, should you want any.

[rionaleonhart]

That's exactly it. The Unbelievable Truth presumably has to cut a lot of banter out to fit in the scripts, which is a shame. Still good fun, though.

Ooh, uploads would be great! I'm sure there are episodes I haven't heard; it's more something I catch when I remember than something I listen to week-by-week. Where might I find your MU?

[inappropriately.livejournal.com]

- Mitchell often pushed his hand back through his hair. It made his hair stick up adorably. Just an idle observation.

I -- yes. Lovely cactus hair.

(God, your memory is good! I'd forgotten most of this by the time I got home! And you're welcome, my dear.)

(Also, with regards to the Southgate setup conversation, can David please get the hint? In fact, I'm sure he does get some kind of hint (I think "get laid now" rather than "get laid now with a man", tbh) and it makes him terribly paranoid and flustered so he feels too miserable and annoyed with people for bringing it up (and with himself for prefering being alone) to do anything about it or at least figure out what the hints he's detecting really mean.

The man needs hugs, clearly.)

[rionaleonhart]

I like to think the hand-through-hair thing is an impulse he constantly has to try to suppress when he's on television.

(I actually spent the entire Tube journey scribbling recollections down before they went, because my memory is, in fact, rubbish.)

(I need to stop feeling that a relationship with Brooker would be good for him. It's the most dreadful tinhattery. But it's truuuuuuuue.)

[negativefish.livejournal.com]

I'm so jealous, I really enjoy what I've heard of The Unbelievable Truth. I wish awesome radio shows taped within any reasonable travel distance from me...

And if there isn't a Hat of the Year competition in Minnesota (where I happen to live), I shall make it so!

[rionaleonhart]

These comments are really making me appreciate being a Londoner! Not that I've ever particularly disliked it, but it often doesn't occur to me that I'm really quite lucky to have access to such things.

I can't imagine that any place would be unimproved by a Hat of the Year competition.

[picaropicara.livejournal.com]

I didn't know this existed, but it sounds quite delightful! What channel is it on?

(That sounds really awkward in my mind. How do you ask that question? Perhaps what frequency is it on is better? I don't know. Are you able to answer?)

[rionaleonhart]

It is rather delightful! When it is on, it's on Radio Four, but I don't know when the new series is actually going to start. I've managed to find an episode on YouTube: parts one, two, three.

[mythtaken.livejournal.com]

YAY comedy radio recordings! I was lucky enough to see David Mitchell at a recording of The News Quiz last year, but I haven't been to one for ages. They are so much fun. I'm very impressed with how much detail you've been able to recall here.

And I'm envious you got to see Catherine Tate! I watched the episode of Never Mind the Buzzcocks she was on recently and I just adored her - she was so wonderfully useless - I am dearly hoping she gets invited onto QI one day.

[rionaleonhart]

I'd never been to a comedy recording before! It was great. (I had been to a chat-show recording before just because Catherine Tate was on it, so I was obviously delighted to see her again. Hooray!)

[draegonhawke.livejournal.com]

I'm developing this theory which says that you people get all the best media, possibly of every form.

You even have Cory Doctorow now. Bastards.

[rionaleonhart]

Hmmm. I'd say that, on the whole, although we have our moments (Life on Mars), the US does television drama better than us. When it comes to comedy, though, we do have the huge advantage of a David Mitchell.