Riona (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
rionaleonhart) wrote2010-03-10 10:34 am
rionaleonhart) wrote2010-03-10 10:34 am
I Was Swimming With An Ostrich Once, And It Sank.
I went to see The Unbelievable Truth being recorded yesterday with ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
causethesounds and ihavecake! It was a delightful experience. For those who don't know, The Unbelievable Truth is a radio panel game, chaired by David Mitchell, in which each panellist has to deliver a short speech on a given topic. Everything in the speech must be false except for five true facts, which must be smuggled past the rest of the panel. If another panellist spots a truth, they gain a point; if they mistake a lie for a truth, they lose a point. The panellists on this occasion were Tony Hawks, Arthur Smith, Phill Jupitus and, to my surprise and delight, Catherine Tate. AND ALSO IT'S CHAIRED BY DAVID MITCHELL. I mentioned that before, but I'm mentioning it again.
(There's always a bit of a 'my goodness, they really exist!' moment when one sees a public figure one admires in real life. In the case of David Mitchell, it was 'my goodness, he really exists and he really is that quick'.)
Two episodes were recorded whilst we were there, and here are some things I remember! Spoilers for the broadcast in April, obviously, if you're worried about panel show spoilers (there's nothing major; no 'CATHERINE TATE SNOGGED DAVID MITCHELL' or anything, which in any case wouldn't translate well to radio), but I'll also probably cover some things that won't be broadcast.
- During Hawks' lecture on hats, Smith suggested that Mitchell might wear a Panama hat in his later years.
Smith: Men who are trying to retain a certain racy quality wear Panama hats.
Mitchell: What I want to know is when I'm going to develop the racy quality that I am then going to try to retain.
- Mitchell was incredibly fascinated by Jupitus' claim that hats were once blocked with lead, in response to Hawks' 'most ten-gallon hats nowadays are unleaded' line. "Oooh! Ooooh! I - ooooh! ...you've probably guessed from my fascinated 'ooooh'ing that that wasn't one of the facts Tony was supposed to smuggle past you."
I really like Mitchell's obvious love for facts.
There was then some confusion over what exactly 'blocking' a hat was.
Hawks: What do you mean, blocking a hat?
Mitchell: Sometimes, when a hat comes at you...
(all perform a cross-armed 'blocking' gesture that doesn't really work in writing and will probably work even less on radio)
When a researcher found and communicated that hats were in fact blocked with mercury, Jupitus asked the audience whether any of us had thought it was lead. No response. "Why didn't you say something? You were all just sitting there thinking 'it's mercury, the fools'."
- Apparently, the top hat caused immense shock when first worn in the street by John Hetherington in 1797. He was booed and jeered, several women fainted, and Hetherington was taken to court for 'appearing on the public highway wearing upon his head a tall structure having a shining lustre and calculated to frighten timid people'. I think that's amazing.
- Smith cracked up in the middle of his lecture on pigeons at his own claim that the largest pigeon ever discovered was a metre tall and weighed eighteen pounds. "It was very late when I wrote that."
- During Tate's lecture on hairdressing, Smith opined that, to a man with little hair, another man's luxuriant locks might be interpreted as a 'come-on', as a mockery.
Mitchell: But what do you mean by 'come-on'? Like a sexual come-on? Or an invitation to a fight? Or a sexy fight?
- Phill Jupitus' impression of a seasick Nelson saying 'Kiss me, Hardy': extensive and revolting. Mitchell congratulated him on managing to simultaneously capture the homoerotic tension and the vomiting.
- Hawks tried to bluff a couple of times with "That sounds plausible. I think that might be true. In fact, I know it." Smith, meanwhile, tended to back up his buzzes with personal experience: "I was in the Hat of the Year competition in Minnesota." (Said competition did not, in fact, exist.)
My favourite of Smith's claims is in the title of this entry. Hawks claimed that ostriches were poor swimmers. Smith buzzed in.
"I was swimming with an ostrich once," he said, "and it sank."
As it transpired, ostriches were in fact rather good swimmers. ("I didn't have my glasses on. It may have been a person.")
- One of Smith's subjects was 'toast', and Robin Southgate, the man who had invented a toaster that used information from the Internet to burn an image of the day's weather into one's toast, came up. (Apparently, the original plan was to use Ceefax, but it was abandoned because in that case, rather wonderfully, every toaster would require a television licence.) The panellists decided that Southgate would make a lovely boyfriend for Mitchell, waxing lyrical about the two of them making toast together. Mitchell sort of played along: "I think he sounds a very interesting man."
Later, the panellists somehow decided that they were all going to go with Mitchell to visit Southgate.
Hawks: Robin Southgate, if you're listening to this: we really are coming.
- Hawks buzzed in some way into Smith's lecture on toast.
Hawks: I don't think anyone has got any of his truths yet, and I don't know if this has been done before, but I'm going to say the next thing he says is going to be true.
Mitchell: It has actually happened before, and it generally hasn't gone well, but I'll certainly accept your bid.
Jupitus: He could say anything now. He could say Hitler stabbed Roosevelt to death with a slice of toast.
Mitchell: That's true; Arthur is in no way obliged to say what he was originally going to say next.
Hawks: Ah.
Smith: Don't be ridiculous. (pause) Nelson stabbed...
(The actual fact to come next - and it was true - was that a book on housekeeping contained a recipe for a 'toast sandwich', which was a slice of toast between two slices of bread.)
- Tate included the statement 'It is widely acknowledged that red is the most beautiful of all hair colours' in her lecture on the colour red. Smith buzzed it as true and got a point for gallantry.
- Jupitus told an untrue story about the origin of the word 'spectacles' to mean eyeglasses, concluding with "...came to be referred to by the word 'spectacles', which is still with us today." Tate buzzed in on the fact that 'spectacles' is indeed still with us today (obviously not one of the official facts that Jupitus was meant to smuggle past the panel) and managed to browbeat Mitchell into giving her the point.
- On occasion, the panel called out to the audience for clarification on topics such as the reign of Queen Anne and the precise referent of 'Borneo'.
"I feel like such a fraud," Mitchell said, preparing to repeat the information on Borneo given to him by an audience member. "Then again, that's the nature of knowledge, isn't it? You must have learnt it from someone at some point. Why would it be any more valid if I had been pointlessly carrying that in my brain for six years?"
("God," Hawks said admiringly, post-repetition, "you're so knowledgeable.")
"An audience of this size essentially functions as a search engine," Mitchell observed later. "The question is, what happens if we put in 'porn'?"
- Mitchell often pushed his hand back through his hair. It made his hair stick up adorably. Just an idle observation.
After the recording, the producer thanked us for being a 'kind and patient' audience. The panel were affronted.
Mitchell: 'We know what you guys have been through. Sorry you had to sit through those twats.'
I had an incredibly delightful time sitting through those twats! Thank you so much for the ticket,causethesounds.
causethesounds and ihavecake! It was a delightful experience. For those who don't know, The Unbelievable Truth is a radio panel game, chaired by David Mitchell, in which each panellist has to deliver a short speech on a given topic. Everything in the speech must be false except for five true facts, which must be smuggled past the rest of the panel. If another panellist spots a truth, they gain a point; if they mistake a lie for a truth, they lose a point. The panellists on this occasion were Tony Hawks, Arthur Smith, Phill Jupitus and, to my surprise and delight, Catherine Tate. AND ALSO IT'S CHAIRED BY DAVID MITCHELL. I mentioned that before, but I'm mentioning it again.(There's always a bit of a 'my goodness, they really exist!' moment when one sees a public figure one admires in real life. In the case of David Mitchell, it was 'my goodness, he really exists and he really is that quick'.)
Two episodes were recorded whilst we were there, and here are some things I remember! Spoilers for the broadcast in April, obviously, if you're worried about panel show spoilers (there's nothing major; no 'CATHERINE TATE SNOGGED DAVID MITCHELL' or anything, which in any case wouldn't translate well to radio), but I'll also probably cover some things that won't be broadcast.
- During Hawks' lecture on hats, Smith suggested that Mitchell might wear a Panama hat in his later years.
Smith: Men who are trying to retain a certain racy quality wear Panama hats.
Mitchell: What I want to know is when I'm going to develop the racy quality that I am then going to try to retain.
- Mitchell was incredibly fascinated by Jupitus' claim that hats were once blocked with lead, in response to Hawks' 'most ten-gallon hats nowadays are unleaded' line. "Oooh! Ooooh! I - ooooh! ...you've probably guessed from my fascinated 'ooooh'ing that that wasn't one of the facts Tony was supposed to smuggle past you."
I really like Mitchell's obvious love for facts.
There was then some confusion over what exactly 'blocking' a hat was.
Hawks: What do you mean, blocking a hat?
Mitchell: Sometimes, when a hat comes at you...
(all perform a cross-armed 'blocking' gesture that doesn't really work in writing and will probably work even less on radio)
When a researcher found and communicated that hats were in fact blocked with mercury, Jupitus asked the audience whether any of us had thought it was lead. No response. "Why didn't you say something? You were all just sitting there thinking 'it's mercury, the fools'."
- Apparently, the top hat caused immense shock when first worn in the street by John Hetherington in 1797. He was booed and jeered, several women fainted, and Hetherington was taken to court for 'appearing on the public highway wearing upon his head a tall structure having a shining lustre and calculated to frighten timid people'. I think that's amazing.
- Smith cracked up in the middle of his lecture on pigeons at his own claim that the largest pigeon ever discovered was a metre tall and weighed eighteen pounds. "It was very late when I wrote that."
- During Tate's lecture on hairdressing, Smith opined that, to a man with little hair, another man's luxuriant locks might be interpreted as a 'come-on', as a mockery.
Mitchell: But what do you mean by 'come-on'? Like a sexual come-on? Or an invitation to a fight? Or a sexy fight?
- Phill Jupitus' impression of a seasick Nelson saying 'Kiss me, Hardy': extensive and revolting. Mitchell congratulated him on managing to simultaneously capture the homoerotic tension and the vomiting.
- Hawks tried to bluff a couple of times with "That sounds plausible. I think that might be true. In fact, I know it." Smith, meanwhile, tended to back up his buzzes with personal experience: "I was in the Hat of the Year competition in Minnesota." (Said competition did not, in fact, exist.)
My favourite of Smith's claims is in the title of this entry. Hawks claimed that ostriches were poor swimmers. Smith buzzed in.
"I was swimming with an ostrich once," he said, "and it sank."
As it transpired, ostriches were in fact rather good swimmers. ("I didn't have my glasses on. It may have been a person.")
- One of Smith's subjects was 'toast', and Robin Southgate, the man who had invented a toaster that used information from the Internet to burn an image of the day's weather into one's toast, came up. (Apparently, the original plan was to use Ceefax, but it was abandoned because in that case, rather wonderfully, every toaster would require a television licence.) The panellists decided that Southgate would make a lovely boyfriend for Mitchell, waxing lyrical about the two of them making toast together. Mitchell sort of played along: "I think he sounds a very interesting man."
Later, the panellists somehow decided that they were all going to go with Mitchell to visit Southgate.
Hawks: Robin Southgate, if you're listening to this: we really are coming.
- Hawks buzzed in some way into Smith's lecture on toast.
Hawks: I don't think anyone has got any of his truths yet, and I don't know if this has been done before, but I'm going to say the next thing he says is going to be true.
Mitchell: It has actually happened before, and it generally hasn't gone well, but I'll certainly accept your bid.
Jupitus: He could say anything now. He could say Hitler stabbed Roosevelt to death with a slice of toast.
Mitchell: That's true; Arthur is in no way obliged to say what he was originally going to say next.
Hawks: Ah.
Smith: Don't be ridiculous. (pause) Nelson stabbed...
(The actual fact to come next - and it was true - was that a book on housekeeping contained a recipe for a 'toast sandwich', which was a slice of toast between two slices of bread.)
- Tate included the statement 'It is widely acknowledged that red is the most beautiful of all hair colours' in her lecture on the colour red. Smith buzzed it as true and got a point for gallantry.
- Jupitus told an untrue story about the origin of the word 'spectacles' to mean eyeglasses, concluding with "...came to be referred to by the word 'spectacles', which is still with us today." Tate buzzed in on the fact that 'spectacles' is indeed still with us today (obviously not one of the official facts that Jupitus was meant to smuggle past the panel) and managed to browbeat Mitchell into giving her the point.
- On occasion, the panel called out to the audience for clarification on topics such as the reign of Queen Anne and the precise referent of 'Borneo'.
"I feel like such a fraud," Mitchell said, preparing to repeat the information on Borneo given to him by an audience member. "Then again, that's the nature of knowledge, isn't it? You must have learnt it from someone at some point. Why would it be any more valid if I had been pointlessly carrying that in my brain for six years?"
("God," Hawks said admiringly, post-repetition, "you're so knowledgeable.")
"An audience of this size essentially functions as a search engine," Mitchell observed later. "The question is, what happens if we put in 'porn'?"
- Mitchell often pushed his hand back through his hair. It made his hair stick up adorably. Just an idle observation.
After the recording, the producer thanked us for being a 'kind and patient' audience. The panel were affronted.
Mitchell: 'We know what you guys have been through. Sorry you had to sit through those twats.'
I had an incredibly delightful time sitting through those twats! Thank you so much for the ticket,
causethesounds.
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David Mitchell is adorable! I want to keep him in a box.no subject
(I just Googled and, yes, I do. This is presumably a side-effect of the fact that one of the few channels my TV actually picks up is Dave, hence why I have watched roughly every panel show ever)
I... I don't think he'd be very happy in a box, Riona. Perhaps in a basket?
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no subject