So You Think Cleopatra Was On The Jeremy Kyle Show?

[rionaleonhart]

I have been to another recording of The Unbelievable Truth, with anewcitylife and causethesounds! It was hosted, of course, by David Mitchell; the panellists were Fred MacAulay, Susan Calman, Liza Tarbuck and Charlie 'Charlie Freaking Brooker' Brooker.

I'll say that again: one of the panellists was Charlie Brooker.

I cannot express how excited I have been for the past week.

I was trying to be dignified whilst queueing with anewcitylife and causethesounds, and almost succeeded until we spotted Brooker nearby, taking a phone call, his dry cleaning over his shoulder. Charlie Brooker is a real person! I can confirm this because I saw him with my eyes. We all promptly became extremely giggly, which set the tone for the evening.

Here is my report on that evening! (This report may, I'll be honest, be slightly biased towards recording exchanges between David Mitchell and Charlie Brooker.)


Charlie Brooker's hair was astonishingly stupid. It brought me a great deal of joy.

David Mitchell and Charlie Brooker have such chemistry. They really do. I just want to sit and listen to them disputing things for hours.

Mitchell and Brooker were sort of monopolising each other's attention; they certainly seemed to have more extended exchanges than other members of the panel, although perhaps it just seemed that way because I was paying particular attention to the Mitchell-and-Brooker exchanges. I'd describe the tone of their relationship at the recording as 'playful hostility with occasional outright flirting'. I don't think I could have asked for anything better.



After MacAulay's lecture on skiing, Mitchell explained a type of uphill skiing called 'yak skiing', in which yak and skier are connected by a rope around a pulley. When the skier empties a bucket of nuts, the yak runs towards the nuts, dragging the skier uphill.

Mitchell: ...which is obviously the best sort of skiing, because not only is it anti-gravitational but it involves a hungry yak.

I have no idea why this amused me as much as it did. I just love the way Mitchell phrases things.

Speaking of Mitchell's wonderful phrasing: at one point he had a dispute with Calman over whether simply throwing oneself down a ski slope whilst wearing skis could technically be called 'skiing'.

Mitchell: It's certainly a subset of throwing oneself down slopes.

May as well gather together all the things I've quoted just because I enjoy Mitchell's wording, in fact; one of Calman's made-up facts was that Brian Blessed once played Cleopatra. MacAulay buzzed it as true.

MacAulay: If he shaved and dropped a couple of decibels, I think it'd be within his range.
Mitchell: Well, nobody is disputing that it would be within his range, but sadly no director has been blessed with that vision.

(Well, all right, I'm also quoting this because I enjoy the image of Brian Blessed as Cleopatra.)



Brooker occasionally commented on things he'd like to see made into television programmes, including:

- a show in which skiiers fling themselves down slopes in a bid to break the only bone in the human body that has not yet been broken in a skiing accident (a small bone in the inner ear, apparently), starring Vernon Kay and, MacAulay suggested, presented by Richard Hammond.

- a show in which elephants fling people twenty feet into the air with their trunks.
MacAulay: Imagine how far they could throw Richard Hammond.

- a show in which children crawl through the arteries of a blue whale.
MacAulay: And, if a child can crawl through a whale's artery, you know who else could fit in there...

There was a subsequent discussion on Richard Hammond's necklace, concluding thus:

Brooker: I never noticed his necklace; I was too busy being annoyed by his face.

(Apparently, a blue whale's artery is indeed wide enough for a child to crawl through. Brooker and Mitchell discussed this fact and reached the conclusion that the next whale to wash up on shore should be laminated and used as a children's playground.)

Later, Mitchell discovered that some parts of Tarbuck's lecture were missing from his script and had to try to sort it out.

Brooker: I love when he has to do admin.
Calman: That should be a TV show.
Mitchell: Admin Live! Tonight on Admin: filing receipts.
MacAulay: 'You sorted all the receipts into the correct order in one minute and twenty seconds, putting you just ahead of Jimmy Carr.'



Brooker: (on the covers of ridiculous 'true life stories!' magazines) It's a bit creepy, isn't it? It's always some smiling woman next to the headline 'I WAS STABBED IN THE FACE FOR FOUR HOURS'.

I love it when he speaks in audible capslock.

Calman proceeded to regale us with the tale from one such magazine of a woman who found her husband having sex with a frozen chicken. The panellists were rather taken aback.

Later, one of my favourite lines from the recording:

MacAulay: I'm still thinking about the frozen chicken.
Mitchell: In a hungry way or a sexy way?
MacAulay: You wouldn't eat a frozen chicken.



After a lengthy digression in Calman's Cleopatra lecture:

Mitchell: We've got to get back to that thing, what was it...
Tarbuck: Brothers and sisters.
Mitchell: Yes! Incest!

This will be more amusing to me than it is to most of you, of course, because I have the way he exclaimed it in my head. It was a splendid exclamation. You'll just have to take my word for it.



During MacAulay's lecture on ducks (in which, incidentally, he did a remarkable impression of Donald Duck sneezing):

Mitchell: Many male birds don't have penises at all.
Brooker: Is that why Donald Duck sounds like that?



During her lecture on Mozart, Tarbuck wondered aloud whether she was pronouncing 'Haydn' correctly. The audience called the correct pronunciation in unison.

Tarbuck: Thanks.
Brooker: What a posh bunch you all are!

Charlie Brooker was mildly hostile in our general direction! Amazing!



During Calman's lecture on makeup, Tarbuck buzzed a little after her claim that an anti-male feminist used mascara only on her 'lady garden'.

Tarbuck: I'm going back to that woman's lady garden.
Mitchell: Are you?
MacAulay: The way you said that... (sexual) 'I'm going back to that woman's lady garden.'
Brooker: And David's interjection; it sounded like you were doing Victorian porn.
(...)
MacAulay: 'Next on Countryfile, we'll be looking at this woman's lady garden.'
Mitchell: Which of course is why it's called Countryfile.
(audience cracks up)
MacAulay: Broadcast this, BBC. I dare you.



The rest of this report consists largely of Mitchell and Brooker affectionately insulting and/or flirting with each other. Hooray!



During Calman's Cleopatra lecture, Brooker and Mitchell had an exchange about faces on coins, ending thus (sadly, I cannot remember what prompted Mitchell's opening remark):

Mitchell: I don't - I'm not saying I fancy the Queen, because that could be treasonous, but I'm saying we know that the face on coins looks reasonably like her actual face, so why shouldn't Cleopatra's?
Brooker: Because it was thousands of years ago!
Mitchell: ...that's very patronising, Charlie.



At one point, Brooker buzzed on a claim that had been made some time earlier. Mitchell explained that he was too late to buzz in, but that this was fortunate for him, as it wasn't true.

Mitchell: So, had it been true, your lateness would have prevented you from winning a point, but in this case it's prevented your losing a point. I'm saving you from yourself.
Tarbuck: We've gotta take you to Iceland and pick you up a couple of chicks.



The part of the recording that literally made me laugh until I cried: at one point, a discussion of elephants wearing hats led to Calman asking Brooker whether he had ever put a hat on a dog.

Brooker: I have never put anything on a dog.
Mitchell: I've put a collar on a dog. Not a human collar. A dog collar. (audience laughs; Mitchell becomes flustered) I mean, not - not an ecclesiastical collar. I have - I have put on a dog something that on a human would be kinky, but on a dog is just a collar, and not for reasons of sex.
Brooker: A lot of things you do to a dog would be kinky if you did them to a person.
Mitchell: ...like what?
Brooker: Lots of things! Making them eat from a bowl. Deworming.
Mitchell: What's kinky about deworming?
Brooker: If I did it to you backstage...

The rest of the sentence was mostly drowned out by our mad cackling, but I think it may have been 'you'd say it was kinky'. (EDIT, post-broadcast: it was 'people would say we were kinky'! We would indeed.)

Your slightly alarming flirtation is not helping to make me any less tinhatted, Brooker. Not that I'm complaining.

(Shortly afterwards, Mitchell observed that, although putting a collar on a human would be considered kinky and putting one on a dog would not, the general response to having sex with a dog would not be 'oh, that's not kinky at all; it's just a dog'. 'Putting a collar on a dog isn't kinky. Having sex with a dog isn't kinky.')



A mildly confusing exchange on eyelids, which I include largely for Mitchell's wonderful wording and the fact that I enjoy it when Brooker calls him names:

Mitchell: If a duck's inner eyelid is transparent and protects the eye, why open it at all?
Brooker: Because it makes you feel alive! You know, when you put your head out of a car window - have you done that?
Mitchell: ...I have put my head out of a car window, but not for the purpose of ventilating my eyes.
Brooker: You're a coward.
Mitchell: ...yes, I am a coward.



Stolen from causethesounds' report, because this moment escaped my mind when I was writing up my recollections:

Brooker: (completely fucks up a line) Adjhnlakbf blah. (to Mitchell) Shall I read that sentence again?
Mitchell: No; it was perfectly fine.

I love it so much when they snipe at each other. They'd obviously have to be quite comfortable with each other in order to mock each other in the way they do. (On that note, Brooker called Mitchell a pedant at one point. I can't remember the context, but I enjoyed it, so I am noting it down.)



During Brooker's lecture on Edison, Tarbuck caught the true fact that Edison proposed to his wife in Morse code, which was sandwiched between two lies.

Mitchell: Yes, you've spotted a truth, despite Charlie's cunningly hiding it in a middle clause. (mockingly mimics Brooker's lecture)
Brooker: (sarcastic) Oh, I'm sorry; I didn't realise we were getting points for style.
Mitchell: Well, you're certainly not getting any points for style.
Brooker: Oh! You really are quite nasty, aren't you?

I can't remember what Mitchell said in return, but Brooker's response to it was, 'You tyrant! You've gone mad with power.'

Hiding something in a middle clause is a fairly common technique on The Unbelievable Truth, but I've never heard Mitchell make fun of it before. He clearly just likes to argue with Brooker. It makes me smile a great deal.



On the subject of communicating with the dead:

Brooker: Communicating with the dead's easy. It's getting them to say anything back.
Mitchell: 'Hello? Knock once if you're not getting this; otherwise, just stay quiet.' (pause) 'Glad you're dead.'
Brooker: You really are a bastard.
Mitchell: What? It's a nasty person. Like Hitler.
Brooker: Oh, you had to bring Hitler into it.
Mitchell: (rather petulantly, turning back to his notes) Charlie's sorry Hitler's dead.



One of the facts in Brooker's lecture on Edison was that Edison introduced 'Hello' as the standard telephone greeting, in preference to Bell's 'Ahoy-hoy'.

Tarbuck: It'd sound normal to us now, though, wouldn't it, if we were using it? 'Ahoy-hoy.'
Mitchell: Well, 'hello' sounds normal to us now, and I don't think it was something people were saying when they bumped into each other on the street. It'd be 'Good evening' or something.
MacAulay: It was an exclamation of surprise, wasn't it?
Brooker: You can imagine it in an adventure story.
Mitchell: (rather wonderful 'adventure story' voice) 'Hallo, what's all this? Strange place for a hooked man.'
Brooker: I think you should read all adventure stories.
Mitchell: What, read them to you?
Brooker: Yes. Beside me.

I am not imagining things; Brooker does flirt with Mitchell, and it brings me such delight. Boyfriends! ♥! (Well, probably not actual boyfriends, but such wonderful potential ones!)



It was an absolute joy. Thank you so, so much to amandapear for the tickets.

Comments

[amandapear.livejournal.com]

WOW! You've remembered so much from last night :D I have an awful memory and am totally in awe.

HOW amazing was it?! All the guests were fantastic, but I'm so with you on the David/Charlie dynamic. It was like a continuation of the You Have Been Watching recording. Also, I think a part of my brain shorted out when they started talking about collars... *is a dirty mare* ;)

You're very welcome for the tickets :) Anything we can do to share the Mitchellbrooker love XD

BROOKER'S HAIR: VYVYAN FROM THE YOUNG ONES Y/Y?

[amandapear.livejournal.com]

ITALIC FAIL. It's early (for me) *blush*

[rionaleonhart]

I spent so much of the recording just thinking 'oh my goodness I must remember that'. It was so amazing.

...ahahaha, oh, dear, there was something not entirely unVyvyanish about it.

[dracothelizard.livejournal.com]

"BROOKER'S HAIR: VYVYAN FROM THE YOUNG ONES Y/Y?"

PICTURES PLZ. SRSLY.

Oh, will this lead to some sort of Young Ones AU where Charlie and David and some other people - Robert Webb? Rob Brydon? - share a house as students? David is posh and polite! Charlie sleeps until noon every day and does nothing around the house!

[yumiboo.livejournal.com]

asdfghjk;l!!!! :D

.. I'll try and think up some witty sentance that makes sense once I've woken up, but this is a wonderful entry to wake up to~! ♥

Thank you for taking the time to type this up so that I can vicariously live the world through your eyes, even if it is for just one entry.

P.S: Tinhattery overload!

[rionaleonhart]

I'm glad you enjoyed it! (The experience really was very bad for my efforts to prevent myself from tinhatting, but I can't bring myself to regret it.)

[anewcitylife.livejournal.com]

I'm adding this post to my memories because IT IS BRILLIANT. I still can't get over just how great last night was, but my memory is woeful, so this rather helped.

[rionaleonhart]

It was such a great evening! My face literally ached from all the grinning. I'm still smiling now.

[amchau.livejournal.com]

*is totally not at all in any way thinking about kinky collar action*

[rionaleonhart]

What, does deworming not do it for you? I would be interested in that.

[th-esaurus.livejournal.com]

Delightful!

[rionaleonhart]

It really was!

[dracothelizard.livejournal.com]

"One of the facts in Brooker's lecture on Edison was that Edison introduced 'Hello' as the standard telephone greeting, in preference to Bell's 'Ahoy-hoy'."

I remember that from QI!

And oh, they DO argue with each other! It's like watching Team Top Gear except politer. I sort of want Jeremy Clarkson to decide he'll flirt with David Mitchell now in a worrying fashion, in some sort of flirting-competition with Charlie Brooker. Jeremy thinks it's about making David uncomfortable, Charlie genuinely wants to go out with David and just doesn't entirely know how to ask him out without insulting him in some way.

And ALL the mocking of Hammond! He wouldn't present the show about the people throwing themselves of a slope, he'd be too busy doing it himself.

Also: YAK.

[rionaleonhart]

Charlie genuinely wants to go out with David and just doesn't entirely know how to ask him out without insulting him in some way.

I made a ridiculous little squeaking noise at this. I love them so much! (Brooker already dislikes Clarkson; I can't imagine competing with him over Mitchell would improve his opinion of him.)

You're right; if anyone would fling himself heedlessly into Skiing Bonesnap Challenge, it'd be Richard Hammond.

[inappropriately.livejournal.com]

Oh fuck I forgot the admin bit - that gave me such a jump I found it hard to breathe.

AUDIBLE CAPSLOCK! That is the expression I have been looking for for days!

I'm going to steal a couple of things from this because your memory is clearly miles better than mine.

[rionaleonhart]

I am glad I wasn't the only one to have a '♥!' response to 'I love when he has to do admin'.

Steal away!

[serriadh.livejournal.com]

ALSO: David tweeted Charlie to thank him for being on the programme. SO IN LOVE.

[rionaleonhart]

He did! Awww. He also tweeted Calman, of course, so I can't really take it as absolute proof that Mitchell and Brooker are in love for ever, but it still made me smile.

[thrennion.livejournal.com]

I AM VERY JEALOUS. BUT IN A GOOD WAY.

[rionaleonhart]

I fear I may have incited the envy of quite a few people. If I could have brought you all along, I would have!

[zeitheist.livejournal.com]

the panellists were Fred MacAulay, Susan Calman, Liza Tarbuck and Charlie 'Charlie Freaking Brooker' Brooker.

Not going to lie: I squealed and clapped my hands when I read this. I actually said "oh, how lovely for Riona!"

These quotes fill me with glee. I'm trying not to tinhat too much because I fear the Scorn of Brooker, but eeeee: Brooker's alarming flirtation!

Unrelated anecdote: I was in HMV the other day and a friend suddenly picked up a copy of Screen Burn and went "I didn't know he wrote books". For some reason, I went: "Yeah. Have you seen him on TV? He's adorable" and my friend was completely disgusted with me. She's a female friend and she was holding a copy of Twilight, so it wasn't like I offended her cynical sensibilities. I still don't get it, but I can't help but feel like the whole situation was partly your fault...

[rionaleonhart]

Afterwards, we reached the conclusion that the only possible response to the Scorn of Brooker was 'you started it'. IF YOU DIDN'T WANT US TO 'SHIP YOU, BROOKER, YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE THREATENED MITCHELL WITH A KINKY DEWORMING.

Brooker is adorable! People need to realise this. I am glad that you are spreading the word.

[marginaliana]

kldfhgkjdhfgkjhfdk

"I love when he has to do admin." - Okay, I'm sorry, but that really sounds like he hangs out with David all the time and has a sense of what he's like doing boring, everyday things like admin. Tin. Hat.

Also, sdjfhkhf collars! Deworming! Charlie, your disturbing flirtation techniques are disturbing. Also also, he wants David to read to him!

There is not enough :D in the world. Awesome. Thank you so much for reporting back.

[rionaleonhart]

Okay, I'm sorry, but that really sounds like he hangs out with David all the time and has a sense of what he's like doing boring, everyday things like admin.

It does, doesn't it? Certainly, 'I love when he has to do admin' implies that they have more of an acquaintance than 'occasionally appearing together on panel shows', which pleases me, because I really really want to believe that they are friends.

I'm glad you enjoyed the report!

[negativefish.livejournal.com]

"Audible capslock" is exactly what Charlie does, and I'm going to think that phrase more often.

I love all their little flirting arguments you've written down, I cannot wait to listen to this. (Also, your reports are so detailed and full of little exchanges, it's so much fun to read!)

[rionaleonhart]

I'm rather excited about listening to it again, I have to say, because I'm sure there must have been things I've forgotten. The series begins next Monday, I believe, and the Brooker episodes are to be numbers three and six. (Glad you enjoyed the report!)

[thesh-t.livejournal.com]

This report is the best thing ever! just... gah, how do they expect us to be normal people about them when they are clearly in love with each other.

I think my tinhat might be glued tight to my head by now!

[rionaleonhart]

Their relationship is so wonderful! Even when I set my tinhat aside, there's an obvious mutual liking and respect between them that rather warms my heart.

[nomelon.livejournal.com]

I do love your recaps of these. I miss ridiculous British humour and the good old Beeb. Not that I ever watched a lot of it when I was at home, but it was the knowledge that it was THERE that kept me warm at night, y'know? Um.

[rionaleonhart]

I understand that; I was saddened when the Circle line became noncircular, even though I'd never actually gone around the full circle, because there was something comforting about the knowledge that I could. Possibly that makes even less sense.

[derryderrydown.livejournal.com]

Damn, I really shouldn't have read this at work. I keep letting out embarrassing high-pitched noises and flailing my hands in the air.

And then I realise people are looking at me and try to pretend I sneezed.

[rionaleonhart]

I apologise for making you look silly, but I'm glad this could make you flail! I'm not sure how I managed to keep myself from squealing in the theatre.

[the-wanlorn.livejournal.com]

Oh god, they make me lol and lol.

[rionaleonhart]

I am irrationally delighted by the fact that you like these two. They are wonderful.

[mythtaken.livejournal.com]

This is GLORIOUS. Do you take notes or something? How on earth do you remember all this?

[rionaleonhart]

My memory's generally not great, but I did go in determined to remember things to report afterwards, which helped, and then I spent the entire Tube journey home frantically scribbling recollections down before they faded. Because I love you guys. (Well, yes, and also because it was an awesome day and I'd like to keep a record of it.)

[ihavecake.livejournal.com]

I AM CONFLICTED

One hand, very very glad and grateful you have written this so I can read it. Other, I AM NOW SQUIRMING UNCONTROLLABLY IN MY SEAT AND BARKING THINGS AT CHARLIE AND DAVID THROUGH THE LAPTOP SCREEN.

Brooker: (sarcastic) Oh, I'm sorry; I didn't realise we were getting points for style.
Mitchell: Well, you're certainly not getting any points for style.

THIS BIT IN PARTICULAR. GOD, HOW ARE THEY EVEN REAL???

My tinhat is very much on my head.

[rionaleonhart]

I try and try and try to be sane, but I can't deny that I do quite want them to get married.

It - it's fine if you don't want to get married, guys. I'm just saying.

[nixwilliams.livejournal.com]

we spotted Brooker nearby, taking a phone call, his dry cleaning over his shoulder

OMG. OMG. WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT CHARLIE AND HIS DRYCLEANING? AND HIM TRYING TO DO DAVID A FAVOUR BY DOING HIS, TOO? ASDLFJKKDFSLJK WHUT WHUT WHUT THIS ENTIRE POST MAKES ME SQUIRM WITH GLEE!!!!!!!!!

[rionaleonhart]

Oh, my goodness, I'd forgotten about that! Life imitates art! And by 'art', of course, I mean ridiculous Livejournal comment threads.

[amy-wolf.livejournal.com]

I want them to do a show with Richard Hammond now which consists entirely of Charlie Brooker consisting of ways they can have Richard Hammond thrown by things (like elephants and trebuchets) or off things (like cliffs and elephants) and David Mitchell providing running commentary.

The prize being, if Richard lands without breaking any bones, he gets to blow up a caravan.

[rionaleonhart]

That's just Top Gear with Clarkson and May replaced by Brooker and Mitchell, surely.

[rhosyndu.livejournal.com]

Brian Blessed once played Cleopatra

I figured something tasteful, like this (http://www.completelybonkers.co.uk/images/cleopatra.jpg) would suit Brian more than the more usual tits-out pose. Er.

Absolutely green with envy over here; though damn you, Riona - I am trying not to ship them! I fear I may be slipping. I started contemplating random snarky exchanges and demented AUs at work today.

[amy-wolf.livejournal.com]

Aw, that's lovely!

I want to hear Come, thou mortal wretch,
With thy sharp teeth this knot intrinsicate
Of life at once untie: poor venomous fool,
Be angry, and dispatch. O, couldst thou speak,
That I might hear thee call great Caesar Ass
Unpolicied!

bellowed out in a Brian Blessed voice now.

[marginaliana]

Having just listened to this, I am truly saddened that neither the Admin Live! nor the Richard Hammond trying to break the ear bone whilst skiing bit was in the final edit. However deworming was every bit as brilliant as I'd hoped, and "Yes! Incest!" was fantastic.

[rionaleonhart]

Admin Live! was actually in the second half, so it may yet appear in the sixth episode! Although perhaps they'll need to cut it out to make room for all the wonderful Mitchell/Brooker banter.

I wasn't sure whether they'd keep the deworming in (although I realised they probably would when I discovered that they'd kept in the bit about the frozen chicken, goodness me), and I am delighted that they did.