If Miranda Hart Doesn't Have A Livejournal, She Should.

[rionaleonhart]

I was going to be responsible. I really was. anewcitylife offered me a ticket to last night's Would I Lie To You?, and I reluctantly turned it down; my deadline was approaching, after all, and I needed to work.

And then I got another offer from amandapear, and it turns out I have only so much willpower.

Whoops.

So, Would I Lie To You?! The guests were Rhod Gilbert, Rufus Hound, Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall and Miranda Hart.


Out-of-Context Theatre:

'I'm just going to take some cocaine and shag my rent boy.' - Lee Mack

'A Garibaldi and an anus are fairly different-looking things.' - David Mitchell

'Please don't use the bit where I compared paedophilia to drink-driving for the trailer.' - Lee Mack

At the end, David Mitchell got to his knees behind Rob Brydon's desk.



Mack: Hello. I'm Lee Mack; I play the dick.
Mitchell: The sexiest musical instrument.



Fearnley-Whittingstall's claim was that he sometimes put Marmite on his face and allowed his dog to lick it off for a treat. ('Is it a treat for you or the dog?' Hart asked.)

Mitchell and Gilbert got into quite a heated argument over whether it's possible to prove whether or not dogs like Marmite, despite being on the same team.

Mack: (to Gilbert) You don't want to get into one of these arguments with him. Just look him in the eye and say, 'David, you were right about the dogs and the Marmite,' and he'll drop it.

Mitchell: I'd be fairly confident in saying that no cats like baked beans.
Hart: Our cat was once shut in the fridge for two hours, and she ate half a melon and a bowl of baked beans.
Mitchell: The crucial question is: in what order?
Mack: (after a few questions from other panellists to Hart regarding what the cat ate) You are the only people in this room not wondering 'How did the cat get stuck in the fridge?'

(EDIT: After this story, Mitchell said he was already obsessive about checking whether he'd locked the door, and now he was going to obsessively check whether he'd accidentally shut a cat in the fridge. As Mitchell doesn't have a cat, Mack pointed out, that would be really obsessive.)

Mitchell: There are some things humans eat that certain animals won't. Flies eat excrement, but I'd say there are very few humans who like it.
(Mack raises his hand)
Mack: Well, I didn't really like it, but it was the only way my dad could get me to lick his face.

Brydon: I'm detecting an air of civil unrest here. I'm warning you once, David: keep your team under control. I feel I've just been parachuted in as the headmaster of a school for problem children.

Mitchell extended this metaphor to make himself a head of department. This was the first of many exchanges that reflected Mitchell-related prompts that had previously been made on the brookerfic anon meme.

When Mack described the fighting between Mitchell and Gilbert as 'sexual tension':

Mitchell: Oh, is that sexual tension? Well, I don't like it.



Hart was massively 'shipping Mitchell and Gilbert, actually. She is such a slasher. I sort of want her to appear on something with Mitchell and Brooker, just for the comments she'd make on their relationship.

Deciding the veracity of Fearnley-Whittingstall's claim (Hart and Gilbert were both on Mitchell's team):

Gilbert: I'll go with whatever our captain decides.
Hart: You can't see it, but he just touched David's knee. It's quite beautiful, actually; I feel I should go over to the other side and just leave them to it. I'll keep you updated on whatever happens under the desk.

During the 'This Is My...' round, in which Hound claimed that he and the guest, Steve, had visited almost every pub named the Red Lion within the M25:

Hart: I'm just not buying Steve and Rufus at all. (to Mitchell and Gilbert) Not like you two.



Hart claimed to always test the temperature of her bathwater with her ear, because it amused her and because she felt that the skin of her ear was more sensitive than that of her elbow.

Hound: If you were kneeling, how would you be able to get your ear down to the level of the bathwater?
Hart: Well, I'm quite tall and bendy... you can run my phone number along the bottom of the screen now.



If Mitchell were to test the temperature of his bath with his ear, he'd have to do it with his right ear because he wouldn't be comfortable turning his back on the taps. They're responsible for the temperature, so he wants to be able to look them in the eye and hold them accountable.

Mack twisted this into the image of a murderer taking sadistic pleasure in looking into the eyes of his victims.

Mitchell: I'm not going to murder my own taps.



Mack made a reference to treating himself with the occasional bubble bath. Mitchell was amused and intrigued.

Mitchell: I didn't have you down as a bubble-bath man.



Brydon told the story of how he used to piss in the shower, and it became Pavlovian conditioning to such an extent that he couldn't leave the house when it rained.

Mitchell has never peed in the bath, incidentally. Mack and Brydon can't understand why anyone wouldn't.



Hart was called upon to demonstrate how she would test the temperature of the bathwater with her ear.

Gilbert: Can I be the bath?
Hart: You can be the bath. Come here.
(Gilbert lies down and attempts to look bathlike)
Mack: Can I be in the bath?



I cannot for the life of me remember how this subject came about, but:

Gilbert: (to Hound) I've seen you bending over, and if you say your anus looks like a Jammy Dodger you're flattering yourself.
Mack: David's looks like a Garibaldi.
(later)
Mack: (facepalm) I'm just trying to get David's anus looking like a Garibaldi out of my head. I don't even know what a Garibaldi looks like!

Later, when Mitchell and Gilbert started arguing again:

Hart: It really is sexual tension.
Mack: Tonight, in a darkened room: 'It really does look like a Garibaldi!'



Gilbert had to redo the reading-out of his claim (that he once had a job in which he had to answer the telephone and say 'Hello, beef!') twice because the card on which the claim was written was covering his mouth.

Gilbert: Oh, and you think the viewers won't be able to work out who's speaking, do you? 'What's he doing behind that card?'

Mack began the interrogation whilst holding a card over his entire face.



I can't remember the context, but at one point Mitchell used the construction 'of whom'. He also described beef as 'cattle rendered foodstuff'. Half of the reason I love him so much is the wonderfully careful way in which he phrases things.



Brydon recited the names of a number of places in Wales.

Gilbert: You should be a train announcer.
Mack: Won't be long now.
Brydon: (outraged!)



EDIT: Here is an extremely strange Czech song played at the beginning of the 'Ring of Truth' round. It had essentially no connection to the actual claim. I think the man at the very beginning looks a bit like Robert Webb with silly facial hair.



Lee Mack is afraid of flying, moths and heights, ficwriters may be interested to know. Also, he is wary of Derren Brown because he doesn't trust anybody who can't spell 'Darren'.



In the 'This Is My...' round, Mack claimed that he and Steve, the guest, had been camping with the Scouts and woken to find their tent stolen.

Gilbert: Was it one of those tents with a built-in floor lining?
Mack: No. Because then I would have said 'This is Steve, and we were once kidnapped'.

Mitchell: How old were you on this camping trip?
Mack: I was twelve or thirteen, and Steve... (looks at Steve; Steve is clearly a fair bit younger than he is) ...Steve hadn't been born yet.

(Mack has amended his claim to say that Steve was seven or eight)
Mitchell: Seven or eight. So he wasn't in the Scouts; you were a Scout, and he was a random seven-year-old you dragged along with you.

Gilbert: Let's rewind: you said, 'We were a heavy sleeper.'
Mack: Well, we were!
Gilbert: I'm curious about the fact that you consider yourselves one person.
Mack: WELL, MAYBE WE WERE THAT NIGHT.

Mitchell has never been camping (sadly invalidating a meme prompt) and seems to be under the impression that tents are pitched in perfectly orderly rows. Also, he refers to tent pegs as 'nails'.



Mitchell had a possession to claim.

Mack: Is it my bloody tent?

It was the cricket ball with which Mitchell had allegedly bowled Jeremy Clarkson out.

Mitchell: I only had one over, and I managed to get him out in it.
Mack: Getting a bit street there? 'I managed to get him out, innit'?
Mitchell: God the fuck no.



Brydon claimed to have dressed as a woman in order to play in a football match.

Mitchell: Now, I'll be the first to admit I don't know much about football, but...
Mack: (Mitchell-voice) But I'm an expert on crossdressing.



After a pick-up of a joke, as Brydon had said 'similar' rather than 'sillier' the first time he had told it:

Brydon: That made no sense the first time, but it still got a bigger laugh.
Mitchell: They probably enjoyed it more when it was just a string of random words.
Hound: The Mighty Boosh-style humour. 'Unicorn Toblerone!'



EDIT: Oh, I forgot to mention! One person in the front few rows was always trying to get the last clap. Hart noticed this and began trying to foil her by clapping herself, leading to a last-clap battle between most of the panellists.



That was a rather disjointed recap. I apologise! My memory is somewhat impaired, because we were seated behind a camera and the autocue and so we had to strain to see anyone.

(causethesounds' recap is over here.)

And now I really am going to get some work done. No more recordings until my deadline! Unless a ticket for the Mitchell and Brooker Sexually-Frustrated Bickering Hour happens to fall into my lap, because I can't resist that. These things are terrifyingly addictive. TWO MONTHS AGO I HAD NEVER BEEN TO A COMEDY RECORDING BEFORE. NOW I HAVE GONE TO SEVEN. (My considered opinion: The Unbelievable Truth, You Have Been Watching and Would I Lie To You? recordings are all great fun, but the You Have Been Watching ones are my favourite.)


According to causethesounds, I sound very like David Mitchell online, and so seeing me interact with sos_your_face is a strange experience, as she sounds like Charlie Brooker. I was amused and rather flattered by this.

Comments

[derryderrydown.livejournal.com]

Eeee, thank you for this! I love your recording reports.

Somebody needs to prompt Hart 'shipping Brooker/Mitchell on a panel show all three are on.

Also, somebody needs to write Hart/me.

[rionaleonhart]

I was actually planning to prompt Hart 'shipping them, but someone has apparently beaten me to it! I am quite pleased by this. It needs to exist.

I would be all for Hart/you.

[ruthi.livejournal.com]

Also, somebody needs to write Hart/me.

I couldn't. She didn't know what Elgin's Marbles were. You'd throw her out of bed.

[misskass.livejournal.com]

At the end, David Mitchell got to his knees behind Rob Brydon's desk.

This has happened on Good News Week (an Australian comedy panel show), though obviously not with the same people, and it was kind of amazing. xD So I can imagine how you were feeling, hee.

[derryderrydown.livejournal.com]

Knowing what I do of Paul McDermott, I am not remotely surprised.

[rionaleonhart]

I had a bit of an 'Oh, hello' reaction when I saw Mitchell getting to his knees, and then I realised that it was just for a promotional photograph. I take it this wasn't the context for Good News Week?

[marginaliana]

Pissing myself laughing here. Miranda Hart sounds brilliant. And Lee talking about David's anus, OMG WTF?!?

Mitchell has never peed in the bath, incidentally.

VINDICATION OF MY PERSONAL PREFERENCES THANK YOU DAVID.

Mitchell: I only had one over, and I managed to get him out in it.
Hound: Getting a bit street there? 'I managed to get him out, innit'?
Mitchell: God the fuck no.

Please god let this bit air.

[rionaleonhart]

I was very pleased that Mitchell raised his hand when Mack asked who could honestly say they'd never peed in the bath. (Fewer people than he and Brydon had been hoping shared their urinatory habits, or at least fewer people than they had been hoping were willing to admit to it. But why would you wee in the bath?)

[inappropriately.livejournal.com]

I can't remember the context, but at one point Mitchell used the construction 'of whom'. He also described beef as 'cattle rendered foodstuff'. Half of the reason I love him so much is the wonderfully careful way in which he phrases things.

I love him, with his words! I'm now reminded of something Catherine Tate said to him on The Unbelievable Truth, which was something like, "You said it with your words from your mouth." Wholly appropriate.


I am a little upset that the camping meme!fill is now redundant, even though I'd never really had Mitchell down as a camping person anyway.


Swear to God it was Mack who accused him of sounding street.



I look forward to see you being a free, happy Riona straight after your deadline. :)

[rionaleonhart]

You may well be right about the streetness accusation; the autocue was completely obscuring most of Lee's table, so I'm having trouble remembering who to attribute things to. My strategy when I'm not sure is 'go with someone who won't require me to type "Fearnley-Whittingstall"'.

Thank you! I look forward to being a free, happy Riona. For the moment, though, I suppose I'd better get cracking.

[thinkpink20.livejournal.com]

Hee! I always love reading these recaps, going to a recording sounds like such good fun. :)

[rionaleonhart]

It really is! I'd drag everyone on my flist along to these if I could.

[apiphile.livejournal.com]

God the fuck no.

THAT IS *IT*.

I HAVE TO MARRY HIM.

[rionaleonhart]

I think you may have some competition from me, my recording companions and my entire flist, but I'm sure we can work something out.

[suzie-shooter.livejournal.com]

*glee*

...this entry just made me laugh so hard I choked myself. You may well be the death of me yet :D

[rionaleonhart]

Sorry for the almost-manslaughter! But I'm glad this entry could amuse.

[thesh-t.livejournal.com]

1) this report is making my "ship david mitchell with every passing aquaintance ever" habit much much worse.

2) Miranda Hart seems to be an adorable otp-ing giant.

I love reading the recording reports, there's always something absolutely priceless that would never make it through the edit...

girabaldi

[rionaleonhart]

WE LAUGHED SO HARD IN THE PRE-STUDIO MARQUEE AND IT WAS ALL YOUR FAULT.

causethesounds: I don't understand Thesh T's username.
rionaleonhart: Me neither.
anewcitylife: Wait, do you mean... 'the shit'?
causethesounds and rionaleonhart: What?
anewcitylife: 'The shit'. With an underscore instead of an I.
(long pause)

And then we all cracked up.

(I still think of you as Thesh T. I can't help it.)

[dracothelizard.livejournal.com]

Hart was a MASSIVE Webb/Mitchell shipper on the Bubble with Shappi Korshandi, so I like how she doesn't have an OTP, but just ships Mitchell like he's the BBC Panel Show Bicycle.

[rionaleonhart]

She really is one of us! I think she'd be great fun to be LJ friends with.

[inappropriately.livejournal.com]

[rionaleonhart]

Thanks! I've linked to it in this entry.

[rionaleonhart]

I did ask her whether that meant she 'shipped us. She carefully evaded the question.

[vergil24.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much for another awesome recap. It manages to both satisfy my desire to know what goes on at a British panel show taping, and fill me with envy that you get to actually see them.

Also, "God the fuck no"- I love creative phrasing in swearing. Like "fuck a Jesus" or "fuckity bye." It's the best.

I hope some of the sexual tension makes it into the broadcast. Also curious about the context for Mitchell's getting on his knees behind Rob's desk.

[rionaleonhart]

I wish all of you who wanted to see the recordings could! I'm glad these recaps can at least sate the curiosity a bit.

Also curious about the context for Mitchell's getting on his knees behind Rob's desk.

I was a bit startled when I saw it, because Mitchell didn't strike me as the type to do such things in front of an audience, but it turned out to just be for the promotional photoshoot.

Much more fun without the context, though.

[rhosyndu.livejournal.com]

Oh man, this is an awesome write up - a hundred thanks tied up with ribbons, Riona!

Gilbert: I'll go with whatever our captain decides.
Hart: You can't see it, but he just touched David's knee. It's quite beautiful, actually; I feel I should go over to the other side and just leave them to it. I'll keep you updated on whatever happens under the desk.
I want Miranda as a guest on more things with David. Especially if Charlie's there too.

[rionaleonhart]

I'm glad you enjoyed it!

I'd quite like to put Hart on a panel show with Brooker, Mitchell and Webb and watch her have a 'shipwar with herself. Admittedly, whilst I know she's a Mitchell/Webb 'shipper, I don't have any evidence that she would 'ship Brooker/Mitchell, but I am convinced that she would.

[suthnoli.livejournal.com]

I’m supposed to be forcing myself to STOP swearing! Phrases like ‘god the fuck no!’ are not going to help!

But yes, this writeup is awesome (as always!)

[rionaleonhart]

I used to say nothing stronger than 'blast'. David Mitchell and Charlie Brooker have had a terribly corrupting effect on my vocabulary. Shame on them.

[amy-wolf.livejournal.com]

It was the cricket ball with which Mitchell had allegedly bowled Jeremy Clarkson out.

That would be the silliest and most incompetent game of cricket in the history of the universe. It would be all ranting, and almost no actual cricket.

Also, I don't think Jeremy knows how to play, which would presumably make bowling him out quite easy.

[dracothelizard.livejournal.com]

Exactly, I can't imagine Jeremy Clarkson playing cricket. At all. It doesn't involve cars, he's not interested.

[bubbles-san.livejournal.com]

Eventually, you will go to SO MANY of these that they will begin to recognize you all and then they will ADDRESS YOU like, "back again?" or sommat and you will FAINT.

[rionaleonhart]

I AM GENUINELY AFRAID OF THIS. I don't want Mitchell to think I'm stalking him, and as Brooker has said that he tends to think 'what's wrong with you?' when people tell him they love his work he certainly wouldn't respect me for it.

[galaxysong9.livejournal.com]

TWO MONTHS AGO I HAD NEVER BEEN TO A COMEDY RECORDING BEFORE. NOW I HAVE GONE TO SEVEN.

That's what I've done with hockey. In the last year I've been to 8 major league games, including one on the other side of the country, at least 3 minor league games, and countless college games, including ones that don't involve the school I actually attend. Has the quality and, uh, completion of my coursework suffered because of this? Well, uh... yes. In a big way. :D

[rionaleonhart]

Oh, dear, that's not reassuring. At least you're having fun, though! Unless you are inexplicably compelled to attend hockey games despite disliking them intensely, in which case you have my sympathy.

[amy-wolf.livejournal.com]

Question - is Bradley James secretly the Tenth Doctor, or is David Tennant secretly King Arthur? Obviously, King Arthur can't be Ten, as Old School has actually established that the Doctor is Merlin (there were hints about Ace being the Pendragon, but that can be explained by inheritance.) But Ten could have bleached his hair and passed himself off as King Arthur to rescue that kid from Midnight and Reinette's friend from Girl in the Fireplace from whatever mind-control ray is holding them in the Incredibly Anachronistic Middle Ages.

[rionaleonhart]

I don't see why the Doctor can't be both Arthur and Merlin. That's one of the joys of time travel.

(Bradley James does look unsettlingly like David Tennant at times. Particularly in 'The Gates of Avalon', when he's being dragged out of the water.)

[xmoshbabyx.livejournal.com]

ramdom poster here OMG harts a a fangirl, i squealed so much at this post!!

[rionaleonhart]

Her fangirling is delightful! I love it when public figures clearly wouldn't be out of place in fandom. And I'm glad you enjoyed this entry!

Hello, by the way; it's nice to meet you!