You Know, He Wasn't Really On Fire.

[rionaleonhart]

So. Whose Line Is It Anyway US. I would have gone hunting for clips to link you to, but I'm much too lazy, so I am going to link you to gayjunglefever's post that has many fantastic clips from it.

The backstory for my involvement in this is fairly simple. gayjunglefever, rather pleased by my having taken to Top Gear like a Jeremy Clarkson to cars, said something to the effect of 'NOW WATCH THESE WHOSE LINE CLIPS, WENCH'. My first thought was 'ehh, I probably won't watch them'; my second was 'wait, when has she ever led me astray?'; my third was 'OH MY GOD THAT GUY HAS TO PRETEND TO BE VARIOUS CELEBRITIES BEING SLOWLY STEAMROLLERED?'; and from then on I was in love.

It is not shown on UK television, which makes me very sad. Therefore, any good clips on YouTube will always be greatly appreciated, as it's the only way I can see it.

I think that Wayne is probably the best individual on Whose Line, because he can be fantastic on his own. I can think 'OMG WAYNE IS AMAZING' (have you seen him being a novelty singing fish?), but when it comes to Ryan or Colin I tend to think 'OMG RYAN-AND-COLIN ARE AMAZING'. They're still great alone, but they feel somehow incomplete when they're not working together. Wayne doesn't need anyone else to be hilarious. (Ryan and Colin together beat Wayne on his own, though.)

(Shortly after reaching these conclusions, I visited gayjunglefever's journal to find that her opinions were pretty much exactly the same as mine. This is obviously further proof that we are, in fact, the same person.)

Whose Line is completely ridiculous, but absolutely hilarious. The contestants constantly make fun of each other and the longsuffering Drew Carey. They flirt shamelessly with each other and with the audience. In one clip, during which I almost died of laughter, Colin plays a man who is turned on by danger and Ryan a ravenous boa constrictor. I think you can see where this is going. (Everyone else teases them so much! I love it!)


On the topic of my shameful shameful newfound interest in RPS, I love the Top Gear boys. Clarkson, trying to work out what an odd little compartment in a car can possibly be for, eventually concludes that it is the perfect size and shape for a stick of celery ("And that's a level of thoughtfulness you don't usually find. In most cars I've driven the celery just rolls around on the floor, which can be quite dangerous."). They clearly didn't have a clue what they were talking about when they were trying to discuss the merits of different vans, and they looked so shamefaced about it! And then there was Hammond's van overturning - "if he is dead and you'd like to take his place, write to us at 'I'm Better Than Richard Hammond Was'..." - and May losing four million points, and oh I love them so.

Someday I may actually compile a list of all the thousands of stories that I desperately want to see written one day. For now, I will mention just one: if someone writes a Clarkson/Hammond/May fic, set in a car, in which Clarkson is thinking about the car the whole time, I will be a very happy person.

...I recently had a dream about Jeremy Clarkson being in the next Harry Potter movie. While I'd be very amused if it proved prophetic, I'd be rather worried that the other part of my dream - the part about my being kidnapped and posted to Scandinavia in a box - would come true as well.

Comments

[rionaleonhart]

"You couldn't have caught him," James said, staring at Jeremy's passenger. He certainly looked like Richard, but that was obviously impossible. "How were you able to see him in this light?"

Jeremy suddenly looked shifty, and, after a moment, James realised why.

"...Did you strap headlights to the front of your broom?"

"I wanted it to feel more carlike," Jeremy said with a shrug.

"That's cheating!" Richard said indignantly. "No modifications, remember?"

"That just saved your life! Do you really think I'd have seen you in time otherwise?" He switched them on, illuminating the space around them with a light quite adequate for spotting a falling Richard Hammond. "I'd sort of hoped you wouldn't notice, but you cunningly tricked me into revealing them by almost getting yourself killed."

Richard, torn between relief at being saved and rage at the fact that he had been saved by a cheating Jeremy Clarkson, made an odd noise that could have been interpreted in a dozen different ways and hastily withdrew his arms from Jeremy's waist when he realised that one of them was lust.

"It's cold, Hammond," James said, with the subtlest of evil smiles. "Get back on the carpet. We can huddle together for warmth."

Richard's eyes widened. "Er, I think I'll just stay here with Jeremy, thanks."

"You will not," Jeremy said. "I want as little weight on here as possible, and even The Smallest Man In The World would be dragging me back. Get back to your boyfriend."

"This whole race is a bit pointless, isn't it?" James asked Jeremy, as Richard stepped gingerly back onto the flying carpet. "We're both going as the crow flies, so all we can really establish is which one's faster in a straight line. We could have done that without going to Japan."

"It's not just that. I mean, we already know that you're sitting on a silly rag with all the aerodynamic properties of a sheep, but in a long-distance race we can find out everything else that's wrong with it. It's already nearly killed Hammond, for one thing." He paused. "I'm not entirely sure that's really a disadvantage, though."

"Oh, thanks."

"Still," James said, "if we're going by essentially the same route - "

"It's a bloody good thing we're going by essentially the same route, James, because it means that I can save your lives when you fall off that deathtrap of a flying machine. Of course, I won't be able to do that for much longer, because in a few minutes I'll be miles out in front of you. I'm only back here now because my broom was a little bit on fire."

[dracothelizard.livejournal.com]

"hastily withdrew his arms from Jeremy's waist when he realised that one of them was lust.

"It's cold, Hammond," James said, with the subtlest of evil smiles. "Get back on the carpet. We can huddle together for warmth."

Richard's eyes widened. "Er, I think I'll just stay here with Jeremy, thanks."

Hahahaha. Evil, evil James!

"a little bit on fire"

Much like the caravan was a little bit on fire, I presume?

[rionaleonhart]

I'm backtracking a little, because I quite frankly haven't a clue what to do with the race. This obviously comes before it.


James was the one to suggest that maybe, just maybe, it might be an idea to get their hands on some wands. Jeremy approached wand-buying with the same courtesy and consideration that he did everything else.

"Right," he said, flinging open the door of the little shop. "What's the longest wand you've got here?"

Mr. Ollivander looked very slightly taken aback. "Seventeen inches, but - "

"I'll have that, then."

"It's not that simple, Jeremy," James said quietly, torn between amusement and mortification. "The wand chooses the wizard, you know."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Well, in the wizarding world you can't just barge into a wand shop and yell 'POWER!'. You have to try out different wands, and if it's the right one for you it'll work. It might be three inches long. You haven't got a choice."

"Oh, God. I bet you know all sorts of pointless trivia about 'the wizarding world', don't you? If cars chose their riders you'd have a Reliant Robin."

Richard moved quietly away and interested himself in the wandboxes lining the walls before anyone could make any Mini-related comments.

"So," Jeremy continued, turning on Mr. Ollivander, "it's all just trial and error? There's no magical scan, no better way of doing this?"

Mr. Ollivander cleared his throat. "This method has long been known to be the most effective, and - "

"Useless. And Hammond thought magic was better than cars. Fine, I'll wave a few sticks around if it'll make you happy."

Mr. Ollivander, who was disliking this customer more by the second, bowed and scurried off to find the shortest wands he had.

[dracothelizard.livejournal.com]

"What's the longest wand you've got here?" "What's the longest wand you've got here?"

Yup. HE SO WOULD.

Oh god, is he compensating for something? I DON'T WANT TO KNOW.

""Well, in the wizarding world you can't just barge into a wand shop and yell 'POWER!'."

*sniggers*

"Oh, God. I bet you know all sorts of pointless trivia about 'the wizarding world', don't you? If cars chose their riders you'd have a Reliant Robin."

I bet James secretly has read all the books and is engaged in shipping wars on-line.

"Mr. Ollivander, who was disliking this customer more by the second, bowed and scurried off to find the shortest wands he had."

Hehehe.

And speaking of Reliant Robins:

-------

“I’m not entirely sure about this,” James said as they walked over to the Reliant Robin. “It’s a Reliant Robin.”

“It’s a spaceship,” Richard said. “Driven by the Stig.”

“Shut up, Hammond. You only wanted to ride with the Stig ‘cause you were worried about your bits,” Jeremy said.

“I still am, actually!” He replied. “Wouldn’t you?”

Jeremy was slightly worried about his bits being driven around by the Stig in a spaceship, but he wasn’t going to admit it. “Of course not.”

The Stig was waiting by the car, and opened the door for them in a ‘come in’ gesture.

“There’ll be no leg space at all!” Jeremy said, only now realising the full horrors of the vehicle.

“I call shotgun,” Richard said quickly.

“Oh, great, so instead of just having no leg space, I will have no leg space *and* and May on my lap in every short corner!” Jeremy said, as he got into the car.

“Stop moaning Jeremy, you decided that we’d take the bloody spaceship.” James followed him into the car.

Richard wasn’t looking forward to this trip at all. Jeremy was already complaining before it had even begun, and they would be travelling in one of the silliest cars ever made.

Or perhaps not. “It’s, wow. It’s a lot more spacious than I expected,” He said, looking around in the huge room they were in now.

[rionaleonhart]

(Dammit. Reposted because I made a really annoying typo.)

Hee, I love it! Clarkson is sneering at the spaceship! Heeeee!

And seriously, the Stig's TARDIS being a Reliant Robin is just the greatest thing ever. And I have to mention Clarkson's complaining again (“Oh, great, so instead of just having no leg space, I will have no leg space and and May on my lap in every short corner!”), because it is so fantastic.

As a quick note, I'm almost certain that 'I call shotgun' is not a phrase used in England. If 'shotgun' means what I think it does, he'd probably be more likely to say "I'm in the front" or something similar.


"So, this is your broom?" the repairman asked, taking it and examining the damage. "An MX? What happened to it?"

Jeremy carefully averted his eyes. "I may have sort of set it on fire," he confessed.

The repairman raised his eyebrows and laughed before turning his attention back to the broomstick. "It'll need a full tail replacement." He frowned. "We've actually had a lot of these in lately. I'm not sure we've got enough MX twigs left for a proper tail. If you can leave it with us until Monday - "

"There is no way I'm waiting until Monday. I'm in a race, and even May would have got to Tokyo and back by then. I'll give you fifteen minutes."

He looked askance at Jeremy for a moment. "Well, I suppose we could put in a couple of Nimbus twigs. The models are quite similar."

"Oh, great. Just like giving a Lamborghini one wheel from a Rover. I'm sure that'll work."

"If you want a quick repair, it's your best option. You need a full tail, because otherwise the balance'll be off. I promise you, you won't even notice the difference."

"Really?"

"Really."

-
Sitting astride his broomstick with its permanent list to the left, Jeremy Clarkson swore revenge.

[dracothelizard.livejournal.com]

"As a quick note, I'm almost certain that 'I call shotgun' is not a phrase used in England. If 'shotgun' means what I think it does, he'd probably be more likely to say "I'm in the front" or something similar."

I'll get on that, thanks!

Technically he's sneering at the exterior. He won't sneer at around) because it's a TARDIS. You don't sneer at a TARDIS.

Oh, and speaking of sneering: The Dutch Donald Duck magazine has a website, which also gives the Duckburg TV Guide, and one of the programs is called Top Sneer. Hosted by Jeremy Claxon. (A claxon being the car horn thingy. That the same in English? I don't know. I'm a horrible anglicist.)

Jeremy at the broom repair shop! And of course there's arguing.

I worry for that repairwizard, y'know. I must say, you really sound like you know what you're talking about. Full tail for the balance. Hee!

[dracothelizard.livejournal.com]

And more crossover stuff:

“Welcome to Notharia!” Jack announced happily as he exited the wormhole. “The sky is clear, the sun is shining and… what the hell are you doing here?”

There was that weird three-wheeled car that had been on the SGC car park. The spaceship. The Stig’s spaceship. And it was here. And what was even worse were the two smug men sitting on its bonnet. Well, one looked smug anyway. The Stig was still wearing his helmet, but Jack knew he was smug too.

“Took you long enough,” Richard said, grinning.

“But… how? And where are the other two?” Jack asked, deciding there was time to go crazy later.

“Oh, they’re off filming something,” He replied, waving vaguely. “You know Jeremy, he saw strange vehicles and immediately made James the cameraman.”

Daniel made a strange sound. “They can’t film around here! This is an alien planet! They can’t! It’s top secret!”

“This means we can shoot them now, right?” Jack said nonchalantly, as he watched Daniel run off to find the duo. He turned to Teal’c. “Right?”

[rionaleonhart]

The Stig was still wearing his helmet, but Jack knew he was smug too.

Hee!

Daniel made a strange sound. “They can’t film around here! This is an alien planet! They can’t! It’s top secret!”

I actually burst out laughing at that. This is just the sort of thing the Top Gear team would end up doing.

[dracothelizard.livejournal.com]

I love making Daniel flail about. It's even MORE fun than breaking Richard's brain with the videotape, believe it or not.

Have some more:
--------

“How?” Jack asked. “You had to get all the way back to the car park! We just stepped through the Stargate!”

“We had the Stig,” Jeremy simply said.

“And did we mention that it also travels in time?” James asked, putting the camera on the bonnet.

“It’s a time machine?” Jack asked, incredulous. “We didn’t know that! That’s cheating!”

Richard shrugged. “We didn’t know either.”

“Perhaps it is wise to take the Stig to the racing officials,” Teal’c said. “He will need to prepare.”

“Good idea! While you do that, we’ll film some more things. Come on Richard, we found this amazing… thing. We’re not sure what it is, so you get to test it for us,” Jeremy told the other man. “Let’s get going.”

Daniel made that strange sound again. “You can’t do that!”

“Daniel, go with them and make sure that whatever they get on film is destroyed,” Jack ordered. “Teal’c, we’ll bring the Stig to the official.”

[rionaleonhart]

"Come on Richard, we found this amazing… thing. We’re not sure what it is, so you get to test it for us."

Hee, poor Richard!

I love them breaking rules left, right and centre while Daniel splutters in helpless outrage. Fantastic. And time machines are cheating!

[dracothelizard.livejournal.com]

"Hee, poor Richard!"

He does crazy things in Brainiac, therefore he can do crazy things in my fic. I'm sure he'll do some protesting before they get in him whatever the thing is. I still have to make that up.

Jack will probably threaten to shoot them a bit later on, but for now he's happy to have Daniel deal with them, because it means he won't have to deal with them.

Once again, I love Daniel being powerless. He's such a smarmy git who talks the natives into doing whatever he wants in the tv show, I figured it was time he came across some people who aren't swayed by him.

[littlemoose.livejournal.com]

"It's cold, Hammond," James said, with the subtlest of evil smiles. "Get back on the carpet. We can huddle together for warmth."

Richard's eyes widened. "Er, I think I'll just stay here with Jeremy, thanks."

*snerk*

I'm in all kinds of love with this, it's just too funny!

[rionaleonhart]

Hee, thank you! I'm amazed by how well the team seems to take to the wizarding world. Whoever would have thought that Top Gear would be so crossoverable?

[dracothelizard.livejournal.com]

Well, I think it's because the wizarding world is just incredibly crossover friendly. Just like Stargate and Doctor Who. You can throw anyone in those fandoms and it'll work quite nicely.

Although I suppose Top Gear can be fairly crossover friendly provided you throw them in a fandom with some form of transport they can test.