In Which Riona Has A Minor Fit.

[rionaleonhart]

In this entry, I whinge about Dan Brown. I have done this a couple of times before, but his writing is something about which I never tire of complaining. Just in case anyone genuinely wants to read Digital Fortress, there are no spoilers.


Generally I either like books or am fairly indifferent to them. Dan Brown is the only author I can think of whose writing I genuinely despise. At one point in Spain I was stuck in a hotel room for a few hours with nothing to read but a copy of Digital Fortress, and it made me so angry.

I mean, the main character is the beautiful Susan Whatsherface. She is the only female cryptologist in this sooper-sekrit elite cryptology thing (you will have to forgive me if I’m a little vague; we don’t actually own a copy of the book (thank God) and so I have to rant from memory), and I think she may also be the youngest. She is beautiful. This is constantly emphasised. She is beautiful and brilliant and oh-so-perfect and God she drives me insane. Everyone who dislikes her is obviously despicable. She hates the fact that all her colleagues find her attractive. Awww, Susan Whatsherface, you poor thing.

There is one paragraph that I laughed at for about ten minutes, in which a guard admires her as she walks away (oh, for God’s sake). He looks at her auburn hair, her white shirt (‘with the bra barely visible beneath’), her knee-length khaki skirt - and then he looks down at her legs.

Hard to believe those legs support a 170 IQ, he thinks.

I am not kidding.

Her boyfriend is fluent in nine languages - nine! - which is obviously just an excuse for Dan Brown to say ‘LOOK AT ME I CAN WRITE IN FRENCH AND GERMAN AND SPANISH LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME NOW’. Seriously, he has him say things in French and then repeat himself in English, so the language use is obviously completely gratuitous. He is hugely handsome and good at sports. He is very witty, according to Mr. Brown, but I don’t really see it. He is also apparently intelligent, which Mr. Brown attempts to convey by making everyone around him a blithering idiot, resulting in scenes like the following:

Nameless Characters Who Are Supposed To Be Genius Cryptographers: OMG THIS CHINESE WRITING MAKES NO SENSE
Susan’s Amazing Boyfriend: Perhaps it is actually written in the Japanese system derived from Chinese characters.
NCWASTBGC: You mean there are differences between Japanese and Chinese? Wow, Susan’s Amazing Boyfriend, you’re so smart.

Nameless Character: OMG I AM DYING
Susan’s Amazing Boyfriend: Perhaps you are forgetting to breathe. Try drawing air into your lungs.
Nameless Character: Wow, Susan’s Amazing Boyfriend, you’re so smart.

Also, he is a professor - yes, the youngest professor at his particular university - and his students gasp in awe and gaze in starry-eyed admiration. SOUND FAMILIAR? WHY, YES, THAT IS EXACTLY LIKE ROBERT-LANGDON-THE-BRILLIANT-PROFESSOR. AND, IN FACT, WASN’T DAN BROWN HIMSELF A PROFESSOR? GOOD LORD, WHAT AN ASTONISHING COINCIDENCE.

Did I mention that his one flaw - and the book actually says that it is his only flaw - is that he always insists on paying for meals? DEAR GOD, HE’S GENEROUS. WHAT A FLAW. OBVIOUSLY HE IS A FULLY-ROUNDED CHARACTER AND I WAS WRONG WRONG WRONG TO EVER CRITICISE DAN BROWN’S WONDERFUL WORK.

Ah, that feels much better. Please note that I couldn't make it through the whole book because I feared I would catch fire if I got any angrier, so if Mr. Brown redeemed himself by having it turn out that Susan was actually a twit (and I mean genuinely intentionally a twit, not clearly-a-twit-but-flawless-in-the-author's-eyes) or Susan's Amazing Boyfriend was secretly Hitler, I missed it.

Comments

[redscharlach.livejournal.com]

Hee hee. Thank you for freeing me of any obligation to read this rubbish. My love of badfic knows no bounds, but when it's badfic someone was paid a zillion dollars to write, it's more than a little depressing.

When the revolution comes, however, renowned author Dan Brown is going to find his professorial self facing a particularly gorgeous and brilliant firing squad. Hard to believe their delicately turned ankles can support the weight of all those Kalashnikovs, but they can...

[rionaleonhart]

Hard to believe their delicately turned ankles can support the weight of all those Kalashnikovs, but they can...

Hee! This, I think, is the perfect example of poetic justice.

(His writing is hilarious, but it does make me sad when I read a wonderful piece of fanfiction and realise that Dan bloody Brown is more respected than its author just because he's a professional writer. Argh.)

[memlu.livejournal.com]

BE WITH ME FOREVER.

[rionaleonhart]

Nobody ever comments on these 'shut up, Dan Brown' posts to say that Dan Brown is actually a good author. I don't know whether that means that his perceived popularity is a lie put about by the publishing companies, or just that I associate with particularly intelligent people.

By which I mean: of course!

[ladyofshallnot.livejournal.com]

I make it a point to declare how much I hate Dan Brown every time I walk past a display of his books, in the small hope that I will warn someone, anyone, of the mistakes they would make should they buy his book.

I had to listen to The DaVinci Code on CD. I nearly threw myself out of a moving vehicle.

HIJACK.

[memlu.livejournal.com]

(I totally make snotty comments when I pass the Dan Brown display - that's been up for months and months and months, why, God, why - at my local bookshop.)

[melata-fic.livejournal.com]

*dead* I am clearly missing on some hilarious stuff in his books. But so not worth it.

[dracothelizard.livejournal.com]

Why is this man so obsessed with cryptology? Why does he keep writing Mary Sues and self-inserts? Why is he writing AT ALL?!

"Hard to believe those legs support a 170 IQ,"

Is 170 IQ even POSSIBLE?

"You mean there are differences between Japanese and Chinese? Wow, Susan’s Amazing Boyfriend, you’re so smart."
"Wow, Susan’s Amazing Boyfriend, you’re so smart."

...Are these genuine examples from the book?!

"is that he always insists on paying for meals?"

That's not a flaw! It's not! It's stupid!

You're very brave for having gotten that far through the book. Well done.

[rionaleonhart]

The 'OMG YOU MEAN IT'S ACTUALLY JAPANESE?' example is from the book, but, er, if anyone actually did forget to breathe I stopped reading before it happened.

[dracothelizard.livejournal.com]

"The 'OMG YOU MEAN IT'S ACTUALLY JAPANESE?' example is from the book,"

There is no literary justice any more! Dan Brown gets published, Terry Goodkind gets published.

If you have never read Terry Goodkind, never do. He writer fantasy drivel of the worst kind, and denies it's fantasy.

[memlu.livejournal.com]

TERRY GOODKIND. *FROTHS*

My father adores him, which I guess shouldn't surprise me, given my father also believes Robert Jordan and Anne McCaffrey to be wildly talented writers the likes of which genre fiction has never before seen.

[dracothelizard.livejournal.com]

Robert Jordan is not that bad, it's just very generic fantasy and I've heard that the last couple of books are at a snail's pace. As for Anne McCaffrey... I've read some of her earlier books and they're not that bad, but they're not wildly innovative or something.

Does your dad like the S&M dominatrix lesbians in Sword of Truth?

[jkjules-87.livejournal.com]

This made me so happy, because Dan Brown is at the top of my Titanic passenger list.

If one more person says to me, "But Dan Brown has done wonders for the reading world, he has encouraged so many people to start buying books!" then I may explode with anger.

Dan Brown has done nothing except clog up the bestsellers list for FAR TOO LONG and write extraordinarily bad books that make my eyes bleed (although it can be quite amusing).

Did I mention that his one flaw - and the book actually says that it is his only flaw - is that he always insists on paying for meals? DEAR GOD, HE’S GENEROUS. WHAT A FLAW. OBVIOUSLY HE IS A FULLY-ROUNDED CHARACTER AND I WAS WRONG WRONG WRONG TO EVER CRITICISE DAN BROWN’S WONDERFUL WORK.

'Nuff said.

[rionaleonhart]

I absolutely agree with you. You, er, probably guessed that from my 'RARGH SHUT UP DAN BROWN' ranting, though.

Okay, now you've made me curious. Who else is on your Titanic passenger list?

[jkjules-87.livejournal.com]

Many, many people, most of whom I forget every day and add new ones. Julia Roberts has stayed on there for ages, and ... you know, I always remember the people I despise when I see them, then forget when they're not right in front of me. Michael Moore, if I've got the right name. The one who does all those anti-Bush things - I'm not pro-Bush but I hate him with unlimited passion! My flatmate next year, and ... why is this so hard? I have temper tantrums regularly about people! I will compile a list for you over the next few days, as and when I fly off the handle.

[neuralclone.livejournal.com]

You have a Titanic passenger list? I have a spaceship-with-no-toilets-in-a-decaying-orbit-around-Jupiter passenger list. %-} I want them to be nice and uncomfortable before they die. *EG*

[jkjules-87.livejournal.com]

You're completely right. Even if I made them stay in steerage (that's where the fun music is anyway) the Titanic really is too good for them. I think I shall adopt your list. As long as the spaceship also doesn't have windows. Because they don't deserve to actually see space!

[neuralclone.livejournal.com]

No windows, no toilets, and it's painted a sort of puke-green inside. Does that sound bad enough for you? Please do invite your passengers along. The more crowded and unpleasant it is the better! *EG*

[geekgirlofdoom.livejournal.com]

I'm almost tempted to find the worst books I can get my hands on and mail them to you. These rants absolutely kill me. You = brilliant. *gives cookies*

[rionaleonhart]

I AM SHOCKED AND HORRIFIED BY YOUR PLAN, SIR.

Don't tell anyone, but I actually kind of like reading dreadful books, just because I have so much fun complaining about them afterwards. And thank you!

[dracothelizard.livejournal.com]

Oh, well, if you LIKE dreadful books, then I very much recommend Terry Goodkind.

I'd give you my own, but they're in Dutch and would thus be useless for you.

[fireholly.livejournal.com]

Fantabulous whinerant.

Rrrr. Dan Brown has one virtue, and that's that his pacing is absolutely excellent. (Also his spelling is better than 40% of fanfiction, but I blame his proof-reader for this.) That's it.

My mother has a copy of Angels and Demons - whenever I need a laugh I open it on a random page and cackle hysterically.

[neuralclone.livejournal.com]

Pfftt. I once read a quarter of "The Da Vinci Code" (I found a copy in the library, I hurry to add. I didn't buy it.)

I stopped at that point deciding that life was really too short to read Dan Brown.

(What really alarmed me was when I heard a group of my colleagues praising the book. Well I suppose some of them had the excuse that English wasn't their first language, but why on Earth would educated people in any language find the tosh in "The Da Vinci Code" believable?)

[nano_moose]

You know what I find hilarious (says the girl who has never commented on your entries despite having lurked around them for months, hello, it's nice to meet you)? There is another writer, an Australian one, who is called Matthew Reilly. His books are. Well. They are the kinds of books that you don't actually need a functioning brain for - they are action movies on paper, full of explosions, very fast-paced and rather light on the plausibility.

Reviewers acknowledge this. Reilly acknowledges this. He has never pretended they are anything more or less than what they are.

His writing style and Brown's style? Identical, except his flows better. It infuriates me that Brown's controversy is what made him famous.

(I read Angels and Demons and The Da Vinci Code in their entirety and I continue to rage at them every time I walk past their displays in bookstores because they are still there and Infernal Devices is not.)

[rionaleonhart]

Oh my, you've played Silent Hill 2 and argue with your own brain in entries and hate Dan Brown and use the phrase 'blithering coward'. I'm afraid you are my new friend, whether you like it or not.

And I've never read Reilly, or indeed heard of him up until now, but I think I like him because he is apparently able to happily acknowledge what his books are. I wouldn't hate Dan Brown nearly so much if it weren't for the fact that everyone seems to think he's such a bloody genius.

[nano_moose]

Horray! You know, it occurs to me I've never heard anyone actually say the word 'blither'. What does it mean? I mean, seriously. "I think I will blither. I am blithering. I have blithered." Explain this!

He has interviews in the back of his books, and he's such an enormous action movie dork. He seems so enthusiastic, and he also admits that his characters are described with actors in mind. Something tells me he miiiight have some trouble pitching the Meteorite-Powered Explosive Device though. It's adorable, in a ludicrous sort of way.

When I read your first SHUT UP DAN BROWN entry (Anthony Horowitz for the...er...mildly-entertaining pap? I love that word. Pap!) I told my brother and now whenever we get into a bitch session about The State of Literature Today (admittedly not that often) someone will round it off with SHUT UP DAN BROWN. Also I rant for hours at people who tell me they won't read anything except him because ALL OTHER READING ARE BAD. And then I punch them.

[rionaleonhart]

'Blither' is a wonderful, wonderful word meaning 'to prattle on about nothing'. I think that people should use it more often. (But then again, I also think that 'thou' is a lovely pronoun that should be revived, so you can't trust me on these things.)

I am so ridiculously proud of myself for inspiring people to say 'SHUT UP DAN BROWN'. Yes.

(Meteorite-Powered Explosive Device? Now I'm curious.)

[nano_moose]

Thank you! I am informed.

(It's not quite as insane as it sounds. The American army had a Top Secret Project to build, essentially, a really large bomb. Except to work it needed some kind of sooper-dooper element that only comes in meteorites. Now the only specimen on earth has been found, and it's a race against time to prevent the bomb from being used and destroying the world!...There is also one about the Invisible Government Plane. That pretty much explains itself, I think.)

[dracothelizard.livejournal.com]

Because you MUST see some bits from Jonathan Creek, I have searched far and wide (youTube) and have found clips! Yay!

Jonathan and his mad l33t lockpicking skillz (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i5jNAVoqwQY).
Adam Klaus and his, erm, mad l33t sexual harassing skillz (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9SoMPsQwSdk).

They also have bits of an episode, but I think you should avoid that unless you want to strangle an actress because of her annoying Dutch accent.

[rionaleonhart]

Thanks for the links!

...Jonathan actually sort of reminds me of James May.

Oh dear.

[dracothelizard.livejournal.com]

"...Jonathan actually sort of reminds me of James May."

You what?

[saaski-moql.livejournal.com]

What. The. Grek.

Oh man...*dies laughing* I love your rants. So much. They make me almost want to read the book just so I can see all that is bad of it and make fun of it.

Note the "almost."

(and by "almost" I mean, "hahahleiknothebookwouldmakemybrainbleed")

...I need to send you a copy of Murder Duet.

Its narrow streets were jammed with lines of cars, their impatient drivers shouting and impotently shaking their fists. Yet he was moved time and again to see how even now, on every holiday eve (especially Rosh Hashana, Passover, and Shavuoth, but also on Friday evenings, and if only for a few hours, until darkness fell), sudden peace and quiet would reign, utter calm after all the commotion and vociferousness...

[rionaleonhart]

...what?

Um, is the book entirely about traffic jams? Because that's the only possible reason I can think of for that much detail to be put in. Is the main character a taxi driver?

I am glad that you're not quite compelled to read the book, because I would hate to be an unintentional advertisement for Dan Brown.

[saaski-moql.livejournal.com]

The main character is this SUPA-GENIUS detective who is also, apparently, a SUPA-GENIUS in music. He is assigned a murder case incolving an orchestra. Oh, and somewhere in the book he finds a baby in his apartment, takes care of her for a few months, meets a woman who ALSO owns a baby (le gasp) AND is in the orchestra, and the babysit and blah.

This. Went on. For four hundred pages.

Oh and by the way, that "paragraph" ? First. Page. Of the book.