rionaleonhart | Death By Tiny Walking Tomato Is Just Embarrassing.

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Death By Tiny Walking Tomato Is Just Embarrassing.

Final Fantasy XII finally came out in Europe a few days ago, and I got my hands on a copy this morning. First impressions!

- Good Lord, this game is pretty. Although the opening video did make me think 'er, hang on, I didn't mean to buy a Lord of the Rings game.'
- Silver hair is obviously bad luck in this world.
- I cannot stop thinking of Vaan as 'Tidus Mark II'. Also, he sounds like a woman. And walks like one, too. I may just be picking up on this because I've been reading ~~and maybe possibly writing~~ too much genderswap lately.
- WHY DO ALL THE EVIL PEOPLE HAVE BRITISH ACCENTS? I had no idea we were so sinister! Well, all right, I did, because we have the grand tradition of being villainous in films. Still, I find it terribly amusing.
- I hated and despised the battle system at first - possibly because it is replacing the basic underlying battle system that has worked perfectly well for eleven Final Fantasy games and which I was very comfortable with, thank you very much - but I've only played for a couple of hours and, although I'm not exactly prepared to defend it to the hilt yet, I've already lost a lot of my hatred for it.
- Awww, Giza Rabbits! When I attacked one, it didn't fight back - it just ran away from me a lot and then cast Protect on itself, and then I realised that I would never have the heart to kill one ever.
- I am so desperately looking forward to Fran and Balthier showing up. All I know about them is that they are sky pirates and apparently awesome, and THAT IS GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME.
- Rogue Tomato? Stupidest monster ever.

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THE BATTLE SYSTEM IS SO MUCH MORE RUBBISH THAN THE ONES IN THE EARLIER GAMES. I DON'T FEEL AS IF I'M REALLY PLAYING; I'M JUST SHOVING MY STUPID CHARACTER AROUND AND HOPING HE HITS SOMETHING. HOW CAN IT BE A FINAL FANTASY GAME WITHOUT RANDOM BATTLES? NONE OF THE PREVIOUS GAMES NEEDED SILLY MULTICOLOURED LINES LANCING OVER THE FIELD.

I HAVE YET TO ENCOUNTER ANY CHARACTERS I PARTICULARLY LIKE YET, BUT I'VE ONLY PLAYED FOR TWO HOURS. WE SHALL SEE.

IT WILL TAKE SOMETHING TRULY AMAZING TO BEAT AURON, THOUGH.

...A Rogue Tomato? See, in roleplaying games based on the D&D system, you get the Gelatinous Cube, which, depending on which game, is either a complete BASTARD who steals your hard-earned short sword and then never gives it back even if you kill it, or a very laughable foe who makes you giggle for five minutes before KILLING IT TO DEATH HAHAHA.

Also, British accents + any person = twice the sinister/villainyness, much like Red + any car = twice the sinister/villainyness. Don't refute this, it's a FACT that red cars look more evil than any other colour!

Final Fantasy X and Final Fantasy X-2 (silliest game title ever?) had the Weird Floating Gelatinous Blob Thing, which would occasionally reshape itself into a big gelatinous slab and slam down on your party members, but I think the Rogue Tomato, which is a tiny tomato with legs and a skirt, is even sillier.

Oh, hurrah! I'm already British and have a cat who would be happy to sit in my lap while I stroked it evilly, so, presumably, if I drove a red Dodge Charger, I would be The Ultimate Villain?

...A tomato with a SKIRT?! I want to see a picture of ridiculous thing.

Is it a white, slightly long-haired one? Also, you need a big desk and a swivelly chair. Also, re the red Dodge Charger, if you're going for this (http://www.conceptcarz.com/view/photo/162784,12781,0,1119/photo.aspx), I don't think that works. You need a car that looks evil already. See this Ferrari, which already looks evil and then EXTRA evil. (http://www.conceptcarz.com/view/photo/94879,10705,0,0/photo.aspx).

I can't find any pictures of the Rogue Tomato online, alas.

Er, he's a short-haired tabby. Which isn't the best evil cat, really. Still, I've got the accent. It's a start!

I only suggested a Dodge because Hammond said that they're cars for villains. Oh, that Ferrari is wonderfully evil-looking.

Damn! How're we supposed to decide which enemy is more ridiculous if we can't compare their looks?

Exactly, all evil villains need to start small. You could start by taking over Ayr, or something.

I checked conceptcarz.com, and apparently they've made several dozen different Dodge Chargers, and one of them might be a villainy car, but I'd go with the Ferrari instead.

Er. I've looked at the in-game picture again, and it seems that I must have somehow imagined the Rogue Tomato's skirt.

It does have enormous fangs, though. So that's all right.

You hallucinating a skirt on a tomate slightly worries me, as do the in-game fangs. Honestly, what were they on? What does the tomato do, anyway? Does it vant to suck your ketchup?

Apparently it's been stopping couriers from getting through the desert to the city. I have absolutely no idea how it manages this, because it is rather pathetic in a fight and approximately the size of a normal tomato.

...Desert couriers are USELESS.

I have not played very much of it! But I have played it approximately 13 more hours than you, so I feel like I can say that while it took me a long time to get used to the battle system, I like it much better now. Although it feels like I'm in even less control, but at least I get to change party leaders so I don't have to see stupid Vaan and his stupid woman run!

NOT EVERYONE WHO HAS A BRITISH ACCENT IS EVIL! You just haven't met any of the cool characters yet.

GOD I HATE VAAN SO MUCH. PLUCKY ORPHAN SYNDROME, STAB STAB STAB. Er. I mean. Haha! Vaan. Man. It's definitely not just because of genderswap, it's one of the first things I noticed about him. Other than his horribly annoying voice!

Giza rabbits! I had the same reaction. Except, um, then I ran around attacking them to get good prizes. But I felt really badly about it.

I think I read somewhere -- possibly it was a VG Cats comic -- that the battle system was like peeing on your enemies. And now I can't stop picturing that with those funny lines going everywhere.

I like to think that the Rogue Tomato is actually another plucky orphan who dressed up as a tomato -- did you see the stitches it had on it?! CLEARLY IT IS A COSTUME -- who wanted to steal goods to get money to live, and that Vaan just went and killed it. ...I mostly think this because I hate Vaan. I'm a terrible person.

It occurs to me that most my reply is full of negative things, which is odd, because so far, I really like the game. It gets much, much better once you get some more people in your party. And you're right, it is so very pretty. And I actually really like the magic system! I use magic so much more here than with other Final Fantasies because your MP goes up as you walk around, so I'm not afraid to waste it. Hooray!

DAMN IT, GIZA RABBITS HAVE GOOD PRIZES? I was afraid of that. But I am going to try really hard not to kill them, because, er, I become far too guilty about making my bunch of pixels kill innocent other bunches of pixels, apparently. WHY AM I SUCH A FREAK?

I do not mind your Vaan-hatred, because I'm fairly sure already that I'm not going to be a fan of his. He seems stubborn and childish and generally rather too Tidus-y. But I am very amused by the Rogue Tomato-theorising extent to which you are prepared to go in your hatred of him.

Also, why do I need a licence to wear a bracelet?

Well, I'm not positive they have good prizes. I don't remember if they're pelts sold for more than the wolf pelts. SO DO NOT LET GOOD PRIZES SWAY YOU FROM YOUR PATH OF GOODNESS! I do it sometimes too! But apparently not with the Giza Rabbits. I'm unable to kill Mesmerizes, though, and become very angry at Odin when he appears randomly and Zantetsukens them off.

Hoorah! I sort of hope nothing happens later on in the game that makes me like him more, but I think that's just because I'm slightly immature about these things.

I know there is a VG Cats comic about the licences (http://www.vgcats.com/comics/?strip_id=215)! It's pretty idiotic.

I just loved "Rogue Tomato: The Hunt Begins" (ominous music). That is pretty much the only thing I loved about the game until Fran and Balthier showed up omg they are awesome and is my mission in life to finish the game entirely so that I will know more about how awesome they are and also so I can write fic where they run around having sky pirate adventures with Jack Harkness. And by 'sky pirate adventures' I mean LOADS AND LOADS OF SHAGGING.

I've only played about 10 hours so far, and then I got distracted by Rule of Rose, though, so I really don't have the authority to be saying that much about it.

No game has ever made me feel more guilty about killing enemies than Metal Gear Solid 3, though. HINT I AM STILL TRYING TO GET YOU TO PLAY IT HINT

Also, *ROFL* at the license system. I so want to be a cop in the FFXII world. "Do you have a permit to wear those pants?"

ALSO I LOVE THE RANDOM BRITISH ACCENTS, THEY ARE AWESOME

Oh, how could I forget that? 'Rogue Tomato Vanquished' made me snicker a lot. Oh, my God, I cannot wait to meet them.

"Do you have a permit to wear those pants?"

I can't stop laughing!

It is rather nice to have British accents, because they don't show up in games very often and I find them easier to understand than American ones (although, y'know, I've got subtitles on, so that's... not all that relevant, really. Well, at least the voices of my home are being represented! And, if it's mostly by villains, it's our own fault for being sinister).

Also, I had smiliar LOTR thoughts at the opening video. "Did -- did the Star Wars prequels and the LOTR movies have a baby together?"

I have no idea what this thing is you speak of, but I am intrigued by sweet-sounding Giza Rabbits that run away a lot!

Giza Rabbits are terribly silly-looking, but they will run up to you and look expectant and then the game will ask you whether you want to attack it and you will say 'What? What sort of monster do you think I am?' They never attack you; they just try to protect themselves. More games should have 'enemies' that do nothing but be adorable!

AAAAAARRRRGGGHHH!!! (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VjOsv3WlPWw) D-don't say 't-t-tomato'! There's nothing funny about Killer Tomatoes! (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attack_of_the_Killer_Tomatoes:_The_Animated_Series)

Gah, I've only just this weekend finally started FFX! oh well, now that I actually have a PS2 I can plough straight into XII immediately afterwards.

There's something extremely sad about the fact that the strategy guide arrived on these shores before the actual game did.

I actually hate random encounters, and I always have, so I am incredibly gleeful about their departure. I mean, they've been around since the pixel days, they break immersion, they're annoying and impossible to plan for. Besides, if they made eleven games with the same formula, SURELY IT IS TIME FOR SOMETHING NEW?

Of course my opinion on this is invalid because we still haven't got it yet. And when we do, I probably won't be getting it for a while. (Just like I still haven't got Kingdom Hearts. Either of them. So, er, there is somebody who finished it slower than you! I AM GETTING SO VERY SICK OF AXEL BECAUSE EVERYONE TALKS AND RANTS ABOUT AND DRAWS HIM.) From what I've seen, it looks like it's good? Feel free to contradict me. And hey, British accents! Can't go wrong with 'em unless you're Liquid Snake.

I am talking a lot to disguise the fact that I ran out of relevance the moment I admitted I can't play it. Whoo!

I will admit that this does have definite advantages over random encounters; for one thing, you don't have to suffer loading time every time you enter or finish a battle.

(Everyone talks constantly about Axel? Really? He, er... really doesn't appear for that much of it. I do rather like him, though.

AND HOW CAN YOU NOT HAVE PLAYED A GAME IN WHICH YOUR SPACESHIP GETS EATEN BY A GIANT FLYING SPACE WHALE? GO TO THE BACK OF THE CLASS.)

It worked for Knights of the Old Republic! I'm just a little irked by your assertion that the encounters worked for eleven games WHY SHOULD WE CHANGE IT? Because as much as I love the Final Fantasy series, I don't want to play the same game over and over, and I think it's good they're messing with the formula. As long as it has a big sweeping story and awesome characters and moogles and pretty men and magic.

On DeviantART, most of my favourite fanartists just won't stop drawing him and ffrants was inundated with rants about KHII and he is in icons. Everywhere! Everywhere! It's all I can do not to throw my hiking boots at my computer. CAN'T YOU PEOPLE FIND A NEW CHARACTER TO OBSESS OVER? I am probably bitter about the size of any game fandom with Japanese stuff in it as compared to all my tiny, tiny Western game fandoms. COME ON, SANDS OF TIME HAS PRETTY MEN! MAN. AND SNARK! AND A FEMALE LEAD YOU CAN DEMONIZE. ...On reflection, maybe it's for the best.

I have played a game where I'm an undead knight with no lower jaw who can pull off his own arm and beat things with it! And turn enemies into chicken roasts, which I can eat for health! And another one where I can run around in a circus made entirely out of meat! And one where I can pilot a giant robot monkey in a battle against my giant statue nemesis, who wields the power of the ULTIMATE INSULT.

Seriously, you don't want to get into 'Who's Played The Weirdest Game' with me. I've played Lucasarts adventure games.

Ah, sorry; I actually meant it in a less, er, 'IT SHOULD NOT HAVE BEEN CHANGED. THIS IS A FACT' way than I made it sound. Essentially, it's a personal thing; I was very much in love with the old battle system, and have a colossal aversion to change. (I will be interested in seeing what you think of the XII battle system! And the game still manages to feel like a Final Fantasy, which is good.)

I'm an undead knight with no lower jaw who can pull off his own arm and beat things with it! And turn enemies into chicken roasts, which I can eat for health! And another one where I can run around in a circus made entirely out of meat! And one where I can pilot a giant robot monkey in a battle against my giant statue nemesis, who wields the power of the ULTIMATE INSULT.

Oh, damn, that's going to be hard to beat. Um. KINGDOM HEARTS HAS MAGICAL CLOTHES THAT TURN YOU INTO A LION CUB. AND DEFEATING A GIGANTIC FACE WITH SONG. AND WHEN YOU GET ARRESTED YOU ARE SUCKED INTO A COMPUTER AND HAVE TO FIGHT COMPUTER PROGRAMS WHILE RIDING A MOTORBIKE. AND THE SECOND GAME HAD AN ENDING SEQUENCE TO WHICH

dracothelizard's REACTION WAS:

'WHY IS GOOFY MOLESTING THAT KID? DONALD GET OFF GOOFY. STOP KISSING THE BOY AND CUDDLING HIM! STOP IT WITH THE ROMANTIC MUSIC PLEASE!'

AND I'M USING ALLCAPS SO EVERYTHING I SAY IS TRUER.

ALSO, THE OPENING VIDEO FOR THE SECOND GAME LOOKS LIKE THIS. DO NOT TRY TO PRETEND THAT THAT IS SANE.

Damn it, I cannot beat the circus made out of meat. But I gave it a damn goood try.

You have no idea how tempted I was to go out and get an Axel icon just for this comment.

Perfectly understandable! I just have all these capital letter Opinions about, you know, the games industry as a whole. One of them is about how much I hate it when the developer releases pretty much the same game with a different story (CRASH BANDICOOT, I AM LOOKING AT YOU), or when they go to the opposite extreme and change everything about the game that got it fans in the first place (SCREW UBISOFT AND WARRIOR WITHIN *cries hysterically*). Squeenix has been coming perilously close to the former. The change will probably annoy people, but honestly, if that made a difference, they'd have combusted long ago. An aversion to change is a really bad thing in the industry, because it's constantly warping and expanding and getting new technology.

You probably be unable to shut me up when I finally get it, so there you go.

KINGDOM HEARTS HAS MAGICAL CLOTHES THAT TURN YOU INTO A LION CUB. AND DEFEATING A GIGANTIC FACE WITH SONG. AND WHEN YOU GET ARRESTED YOU ARE SUCKED INTO A COMPUTER AND HAVE TO FIGHT COMPUTER PROGRAMS WHILE RIDING A MOTORBIKE.

Oh it is on.

Giant face? Been done. Defeating face with song? Okay, maybe not, but defeating a giant hand with song, this I have done! But what else have I done? DEFEATING A GHOST PIRATE WITH ROOT BEER. FIGHTING A FAT BOMBER ON ROLLER BLADES WITH ICE SPRAY, THIS I HAVE DONE. DUELING BANJOS, I GOT 'EM. CABER TOSSING, WHICH YOU WIN WITH A RUBBER TREE. MURRAY, THE TALKING DEMONIC SKULL! TELEKINETIC BEARS! BARBERSHOP PIRATE QUARTETS! LAVA SPIDERS INEXPLICABLY NAMED 'PHANTOM'. DRESSING UP AS A TENTACLE TO WIN THE HUMAN SHOW. SECRET SERVICE VAMPIRE COWBOYS.

Okay, the music is very pretty, but the rest of the video is WHUT. Does it make more sense when you've played the first game?

I am so not going to admit defeat ever ever ever, thus, WHOO!

You are evil. Except you didn't succumb. Er. Name me somebody you're sick of seeing of so that I can resist and get not!revenge.

AHA, DEVIL MAY CRY! AND, ER, A GAME CALLED MONKEY ISLAND, I THINK, WHICH I HAVE NEVER PLAYED, WHICH IS A PITY, BECAUSE IT SOUNDS HILARIOUS. FEAR MY GAME-IDENTIFICATION SKILLS.

Okay, Kingdom Hearts is clearly never going to beat this. It does have a level in which you have to break a curse by hunting down teleporting jellyfish that have been stealing pirate gold, and at one point Winnie-the-Pooh has an out-of-body experience, and when you defeat one of the bosses he becomes a living house and continues trying to kill you in house-form, and there is blatant teenage-boy/Mickey Mouse and other-teenage-boy/Donald/Goofy unholy-threesome, but its crackiness appears woefully inadequate now. Clearly you do not need to admit defeat, because your victory is obvious. But you obviously have a taste for odd games, and so Kingdom Hearts wouldn't be a bad thing to play.

(Also, there are puppies hidden in treasure chests. Which just seems cruel, frankly.)

You know, I think the video might actually make less sense when you've played the first game.

Devil May Cry, Monkey Island 1 - 4, Psychonauts, Metal Gear Solid 2, Day of the Tentacle, Sam and Max Hit the Road, Medievil and Darkwatch, to be exact. Man, Lucasarts used to be so awesome. And yes, play Monkey Island! I think it's actually really easy to ~~download~~ legally obtain copies of the original two Monkey Islands.

I think it might be less that I have a taste for odd games and more that games are just odd. They don't have to deal with plausibility or anything, just be fun. And have cool stuff to put on the back. And some game boss music just came up on my playlist. Neat.

Really? Huh...maybe Kingdom Hearts just has the combined crack of being a Squeenix game and crossed over with Disney, who used to be pretty cracky themselves in the old days. It would explain a lot. Or maybe it's just that it's Japanese. Gotta love the Japanese.

Oh, yes, I've just remembered! I may not have played anything quite as insane as your games, but I have played a game with the greatest evil robot ever. (She rallies the other robots through ridiculous pop music! And you can't tell me that you haven't always wanted to hear a song with the lyrics 'Don't stop until we dominate; won't you feel great/When we exterminate all organic life?'.)

Monkey Island is LOVE.

Just interrupting your little comment war for that.

At least Tidus2.0 doesn't bounce when he runs? Because Tidus bouncing in time to the music on the Mi'ihen Highroad made me want to stab him a lot.

The sad thing is, Final Fantasy XII and I refuse to get along half the time! Really, it is a pity, because it is a very pretty game, and I want to play it! It's just, arg! I play Final Fantasy XI and there are so many annoying almost-similarities! The save crystals look like home points (which is fine - it's still where you go when you die), but the combat system is just... arg. There's the auto-attack, and the delay on spells, and then there is absolutely no group dynamic because everyone is controlled by you or the game's AI. Also there is no auto-target-lock, and you can't crouch to recover health, and a monster with a red bar means it's going to AGGRO, not that someone else is fighting it already!

So I keep confusing myself. WAIT, THIS IS NOT XI. STOP THINKING IT'S GOING TO WORK LIKE IT. And then I flail. Endlessly. (Though I am so glad we don't have to deal with "licenses" in XI, because that is possibly one of their worst ideas yet.)

Ahahaha, I'd completely forgetten about Tidus' silly bouncy run and now I am wondering how I could possibly have forgotten that. Hee!

Also, I am suddenly very glad indeed that I never played XI. (And yes, I'm not sure I approve of the licences. I hate having to decide between everything. And I'd mind it a lot less if it were more like the Sphere Grid and so buying an ability licence gave you that ability, but no, you have to buy both.)

In my ~~incredibly biased~~ opinion, it's implemented a lot better in XI (but I also think everyone ever should play XI, so perhaps I should not always be listened to), but then I'm only about two hours into XII, so maybe it gets better or my brain stops trying to muck me up eventually.

It is the ATTACK OF THE KILLER TOMATOES.

...

Odd tv program, that was.

The battle system is kind of fun. And lots better than getting into nuisance battle screens. Still not quite sure how to work it, but I'll get there.

Where does one find these adorable little rabbits? *lip wobbles* I'm afraid I might have to slaughter them.

You died by the Killer Tomato? Hee. I killed that one easily. It was the four-on-one wolf fight I had trouble with.

Fran is worryingly hot. Except, ew, aninal ears.

I didn't actually die by the Killer Tomato, I hasten to say (my reputation as a gamer must be protected! YES, ALL RIGHT, I SPENT THREE HOURS ON FINAL FANTASY VIII LOOKING FOR THE FIRE CAVERN ON A TINY ISLAND AFTER HAVING BEEN TOLD IT WAS TO THE EAST AND THEREFORE HAVE VERY LITTLE REPUTATION TO LOSE). I was just mentally searching for some ridiculous post title, and that was what occurred.

The Giza Rabbits live on the Giza Plains, so you've probably already encountered them. ~~Probably killed them as well, you heartless monster.~~

Hee. I died by scary bird-thingies though. And almost by weird boss-monster.

I could never get past that robot dude the first time... I never really figured out how to run away properly. ;S

Have you met Balthier yet? Only way he could be better is if voiced by Cary Elwes. Dude.

I have slaughtered many poor little bunnies. So cute. Not as cute as that little rabbit the guy pets like Mr Bigglesworth, though.

Robot dude? What? Perhaps I have not explored the desert enough.

I have known Balthier for two hours and have already made an entry in which I 'eee' a lot about how awesome he is! Dashing, sarcastic sky pirate. You really can't go wrong with that.

Robot dude on FF8. :(

Exactly. I got up to where he talked about soiling his cuffs and had to go express glee to someone. :D

I'm glad I'm not the only one that hates to kill the rabbits. :D

What about the cacti? :D

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Death By Tiny Walking Tomato Is Just Embarrassing.

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I know I'm going to miss her/A tomato ate my sister

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