rionaleonhart | Pining For What She Could Not Have.

Right now, I'm sort of between fic-writing periods, which is never a good thing, because it means that my mind will desperately hunt for a writing project and suggest ideas regardless of how utterly terrible they are. Right now, it's telling me that I should write about Top Gear Dog's slow realisation that Jeremy is her One True Love, when she had previously believed it to be James. It would be utterly ridiculous, overblown angstfic, and it would contain the line 'She gazed through the Doggles and felt the wind in her fur and dreamt of speed and power and Clarkson', and it would be written purely to annoy

dracothelizard after our ridiculous Jeremy/Top Gear Dog versus James/Top Gear Dog 'shipwar, and it would be the worst idea ever.

I have no idea what purpose this entry serves. Essentially, it's a glaring 'HEY, IF YOU WANT TO FORCE ME TO WRITE CRACKFIC THAT I WILL ETERNALLY REGRET AFTERWARDS, I AM ESPECIALLY VULNERABLE AT THIS POINT.' Which means that, er, it would probably be a very bad idea to post it.

But I suppose that any ideas distracting me from 'But he was a human and she was a Labradoodle; alas, their love could never be' can only be a good thing.

(EDIT: I can't believe I haven't recced

lakester's amazing Jeremy Clarkson/Bugatti Veyron fanvid here yet. WATCH IT, DAMN YOU. It makes man/vehicle astonishingly hot.)

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"I can't believe you actually expect a shag on the first date," James said. He made a face. "I can't believe I just referred to it as a 'date'. This is ridiculous."

"I actually expected a shag before the first date," Jeremy pointed out, "so I'm hardly going to lose respect for you if you put out tomorrow."

"Oh, well," James said, giving him an exasperated look, "obviously the only reason I've been holding back is because I was worried that you'd lose respect for me." He paused, a possibility occurring to him. If Jeremy was this desperate for sex, it gave James a certain degree of power over him, and control over Jeremy Clarkson - although, perhaps, not in quite this way - had always been an idea that rather appealed to him.

"James, I never had any respect for you to begin with," Jeremy told him.

"You could at least TRY to flatter me, you know."

"I want to have sex with you, how is that not flattering?" Jeremy exclaimed. "Hammond was never this difficult."

"Then why don't you sleep with Hammond again?" James replied snippily.

"He's busy today, and I got bored. And you clearly don't have anything else to do this week, so I don't see why we shouldn't give it a go," Jeremy said.

James was baffled, although he thought he shouldn't be surprised that Jeremy wanted to have sex out of boredom. He supposed he should be happy Jeremy didn't want to set something on fire out of boredom.

"I know for a fact that Hammond isn't doing anything tomorrow," James said, swatting Jeremy away when his mouth got a bit too close to his neck, "and, as you're going to have to wait at least until then anyway, you may as well just stick with him."

Jeremy suddenly looked terrifyingly interested by a prospect that had just occurred to him. "What if I brought him along to your place?"

James stared.

"Are you suggesting what I very much hope you're not suggesting?" he asked, after a pause.

"Well, you might not put out after all, so if I'm going to go through the trouble of bringing takeaway AND a movie, I at least want to get something out of it, even if that is Hammond rather than you," Jeremy explained. "And if you do decide to put out, well, your bed's big enough for the three of us."

"Are you suggesting... are you saying... are you saying you want..."

"A threesome, May, a threesome. It's not a terribly difficult concept to grasp. Come on, it'll be fun."

James closed his eyes. Took a deep, calming breath. Opened his eyes abruptly and made a muffled, indignant noise of protest when Jeremy seemed to take the fact that his mouth was open to be an invitation to snog him again.

"Jeremy," he said, planting his hands on Jeremy's chest and pushing him firmly away, "I'm only just getting over the shock of having been propositioned by another man. What on Earth makes you think that I'll be any happier about this if you start bringing threesomes into it?" He paused. "What on Earth makes you think that Richard would agree? Although it obviously wouldn't stop you if he didn't."

Jeremy looked distinctly uncomfortable at James' mention of Richard's opinion. "We may have, er, discussed it."

"You discussed it? With him? What?" James stared at him.

"It came up," Jeremy said defensively, as if discussing threesomes with your colleague was a perfectly sensible topic of conversation. "He was all for it, and so was I."

"But... what... why aren't you convincing me together, then?" James said, and then wished he hadn't, because if Richard and Jeremy teamed up, James would be entirely unable to keep their hands off him. He was just with Jeremy now, and he couldn't even keep Jeremy's hand where it belonged. Which, he reminded himself sternly, was not on his crotch.

"I lost the rock, scissors, papers," Jeremy admitted.

James wasn't entirely convinced that Jeremy had 'lost', as the man seemed to be enjoying himself a rather disturbing amount, but he barely had time to think that before the full absurdity of the situation hit him.

Jeremy and Richard - his close friends, his close male friends - were both willing to have sex with him. Jeremy, in fact, seemed utterly set on it. If it was a joke, it was one that Jeremy was willing to give him something approaching a handjob for, which was a level of dedication to unnerving him that James wasn't sure even Jeremy had.

"I can't believe you're actually suggesting this," James muttered, pressing his hands over his face.

"Can you believe that you're actually considering it?" Jeremy asked, maddeningly smug.

"I was trying to forget about that," James mumbled, still not willing to look at his friend. "It'll be a disaster."

"It'll be fun," Jeremy insisted.

"You'll end up setting something on fire, or blow something up," James replied. "That's what usually happens.

Jeremy leered at him. "Well, I can't guarantee blowing *up*, but..." he trailed off suggestively.

James shuddered. "Please don't try to be sexy, Jeremy; it doesn't suit you. And I know that something's going to go horribly wrong. More horribly wrong than a threesome with you two is in itself, at any rate."

"I can be sexy!" Jeremy protested. "And it may be a disaster, but everything we do is a disaster."

"That doesn't mean that disasters are all right, Jere-- ah - Jeremy, why are you - Jeremy, please stop kissing my neck."

"I'm showing you that I can be sexy," Jeremy said, glaring. "I'd be seductively unbuttoning your shirt at the moment if that blasted jumper weren't in the way."

James had never been happier with his jumpers, and he vowed to wear one all the time if it stopped Jeremy from trying to be seductive. "You can't, Jez." He pushed the other man away again. "I actually prefer you being loud and sarcastic."

"Brilliant, because that's what you'll probably be getting from Hammond too," Jeremy told him. "That, and he'll be utterly wowed by me having convinced you to give a threesome ago."

"I...what?" James spluttered, and wondered when exactly he had agreed with the insane plan.

"I know you're just stalling because you don't want to look easy, but I think we both know you'll agree, because otherwise you'd have fled by now," Jeremy said, and went back to mauling James' neck.

Pining For What She Could Not Have.

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